Transcript
Straight Up with Stassie. Hi, everyone. I'm Stassie Schroeder. She's the star of Bravo's Vanderpump Rules. I'm here to talk about pop culture, reality TV, celeb gossip, relationships. Stassie's new podcast is a hilarious look at the world and everyone in it. I wanna give my opinion on everything. And she's never one to hold back on any topic. Because that's what I do best, judge. This is straight up with Stassi. Dracaris, b***hes. Welcome to Straight Up with Stassie. Alright, Seize. So I recorded a podcast yesterday with Rachel O'Brien and our friend Matthew Payne, and the sound quality on it ended up not being very ideal. Maybe I'll be able to release it at some point. Maybe I won't. We shall see. But so because of that, I have decided, I'm just gonna do, this week's podcast by myself because I feel oddly inspired. Ever since Monday rolled around, yes, this past Monday, I was getting messages, tweets, you know, emails, lots of different shizz from people asking me what I felt about the Bachelor reunion. Yes. So I will say this is the 1st Bachelor season that I have not seen. Normally, at least, like, if there's a Bachelor season that I don't like, at least, like, I start watching it and at least, like, watch, like, 1 or 2 episodes, and then I'll kind of just like fall out of it because I've already seen a few and just made up my mind. This one with Ari, I didn't even try. I found out he was The Bachelor and I was like, not interested. I remember Emily Maynard's season, and I like Emily Maynard a lot, but Ari wasn't really, like, a standout for me whatsoever. So I didn't understand this choice that ABC made, with The Bachelor. Therefore, I forgot to watch it. And again, like I'll say, Monday night rolls around and I am getting so many people asking me my thoughts on the finale. So then I go to Daily Mail and I go to, like, you know, some websites. I'm like, what the hell is everyone talking about? And I work in reality TV, so I feel like I'm allowed to talk about this. And I've heard. I heard that the I heard that the ending was going to be shocking just from being in the reality TV world. Okay? I had heard little rumblings, but I didn't really think about it because, again, I wasn't watching this season so it didn't really matter. So again, I check Daily Mail, I read what happened, and I'm like, holy mother f. So fast forward to right now, I turn on my television, I go to Hulu and I watch the finale episode and the after the rose ceremony. And I am horrified, legit, deeply freaking horrified. Like, reality TV has taken a turn for the worse, and I feel like I was watching relationship Hunger Games. Like, it was a fight to the death. Like, I feel like the next reality show that comes out, like, next year we're gonna, like, bring back the gladiators in the coliseum where people legitimately fight to the death and we enjoy watching it as a as a viewer. Like, it it that is how I felt watching this finale and the after the rose ceremony. I felt so physically uncomfortable. Like, I started itching, Itching. I'm in the comfort of my own home. You know, I'm a Cancer. Not to be a basic b***h, but Cancers really love their home. You know, that's like, we're craps. Like, that's, like, our thing. My home is my sanctuary. It's my safe spot. And do you know who violated that safe spot? 2 types of well, a, b, c and Ari. They violated my safe spot, and I just don't feel safe. So let me just start from the beginning. In case you have not seen this season of The Bachelor, in case you've never seen The Bachelor, well, no, if you haven't seen The Bachelor, you still know what it is. K? Everyone's competing for love for somebody's affection. Why Ari deserved anyone's love or affection? No f**king idea. That one's lost on me. But so this season is Ari, oh, oh, oh, someone who was a race car driver. And listen, I'm not about making fun of people's physical appearances, but because of the ending, I feel like I'm allowed. Who the hell thought, you know what? I think Ari's a really hot guy and he should be on The Bachelor, said no one ever. Who are the people out there who find Ari attractive? I'm baffled by this, and I would like someone to hit me up or, like, I don't know, just tweet me pleading your case as to how Ari is an attractive human being. So before I even watched anything, I'm turning it on, I'm like, ew. Like, if I, like, showed up for The Bachelor or some s**t and I saw that he was my The Bachelor that I'm supposed to be, like, trying to fall in love with, I would tap out and be like, yo, I'm out. Someone else could do this, like I'm obvs not gonna fall in love with him. So, again, didn't wanna rip on anyone's appearance but I feel like I can with him because he's a major douche. Okay, so besides that initial thing, I'm going past the scenes where the girls, you know, what Lauren and Becca, they're meeting his family, all that. They're both lovely girls. I don't have a bad thing to say about either one of them. I thought they were both very likable. And I'm just watching this. I'm watching him tell both of them he loves them. Do you know how hard it is to say I love you to someone? One of the hardest things to do. Much less do it on national television. And on top of that, to 2 girls at the same time when you know that one of them, you're gonna have to end up with. So you're gonna have some explaining to do after the fact. How do you even, first of all, tell 2 people that you love them? I I just I don't. How can you you have to be a special type of of of creature to be able to convince 2 people or manipulate 2 different people into thinking that you're in love with them at the same time and look in love. Like, he looked in love as he was saying that to both of them separately. Weirded me the f**k out. K? God, I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about this. I just, I just, maybe it's because I work in reality TV, so I feel like I have a responsibility to say this isn't how it's like and this isn't how it should be or, or just because I'm somebody who is in love and and I'm in a relationship and if some, if, if my partner was doing that to me, I would, well, I would probably find a very creative way to murder him. Yeah, like maybe like boil him alive. Like I would boil like a giant human sized pot of Mountain Dew and then just throw him in it and boil him. So there's that. So I'm not really, yeah, I'm working through this. I feel like I'm doing a therapy session right now on this podcast episode. Like, why am I so affected by this Bachelor finale? But then I check Twitter and I check social media and I see everybody else is affected by it. Okay. I'm not alone. I'm not alone. Regardless, okay. I'm gonna skip ahead. So I watch the scenes where he's telling both the girls that he loves them and he's in love with them and they both have nothing to worry about and all that s**t. His family likes both of them, easy enough, whatever. Then he dumps the blonde one, I can never remember which one is which, dumps the blonde one and proposes to the brunette one. So I'm gonna go blonde and brunette. It's Lauren and Becca, I just can't remember which one is which. Pretty sure Lauren is the brunette. But so, blonde and brunette. Dumps the blonde one, proposes to the brunette. Then ABC and the producers over at The Bachelor decide, 'I'm gonna do a montage of how happy they are. So I'm sitting there being like, this is I know what what happens because I read it on the Internet, but this is not making any sense. So Ari actively participated in this montage. He legit was like, yeah. I think this would be a really good idea. I think we should just film a lot of stuff of me and the brunette really happy, like the perfect couple. Let's take this up a notch, said the producers. I wanna get interviews with the brunette talking about how happy and blissful she is, how engagement life is the best ever, and how much she loves Ari. Those interview bites made me want to die. I legitimately was sitting there thinking, there are actual producers right now that are looking at her, knowing what's about to happen, and they're making her talk about how in love she is. I will say this, Vanderpump Rules is nothing like The Bachelor. Like, there's no, like, super, I mean, listen, any reality show, there's gonna be a little bit of manipulation. We all know that, we sign up for it. Bachelor's next level s**t. My producers, my crew, or our crew, all, everyone, some of the nicest people, and they're our family, and I am so weirded out that I was watching a show where I could, I know that Ari went to his producers and said, Hey, listen, you know, I'm really not feeling this brunette engagement thing but I really do miss the blonde. And he purposefully blindsided her on national television. Like, any decent, normal human being would have had that conversation off camera and then had to talk about it again on camera. Do you know what I mean? You have to just bring it up. You have to talk about it. But no one should ever go on national television and just without telling their partner and full on say, you know what? I thought I wanted to be with you, but I don't. I really wanna be with that other chick, the blonde chick. But, again, the producers had to just, like, I don't know, bring it up a little bit, and do a split screen that was unedited. My heart fell into my a*****e. Like, this is the most voyeuristic thing I've ever seen. Not sexually voyeuristic, I mean, like, inappropriate for me to watch. Like, it was, I felt, again, physically uncomfortable in my own home. Like, I couldn't, like, I was doing something wrong or being a bad person by watching what I watched. Like, I felt like I was watching, like I'm somebody who just walks past somebody who's in need of help. Like, if someone was being robbed or if someone had just been stabbed or something and I just walked over them and ignored the situation. That's what I felt like I just did by watching this split screen situation. Because if this is now what reality TV is, if if we're just gonna film a scene and just have it split screen, unedited, you see everything. It's it's gross. And if you watch The Bachelor, I I I would imagine that most or a good number of you feel the same way. That's not really entertainment. That is just peeking into somebody else's live life. Like, that is that is like dropping yourself. It's like putting on a Harry Potter invisible cloak, dropping yourself into somebody else's home, and witnessing a conversation that should be so private. Now I'm not saying you can't have the breakup talk on camera. Again, I'm on Vanderpump Rules. I understand what it's like to be on reality TV. I know this, so I feel like I'm an authority on it. But there are ways to be a decent human being while going about it. I don't think any of my producers, I don't think my network, I don't think my cast members, my friends, I don't think any of them would do what Ari did. That just to trick his fiance into talking so glowingly and lovingly about him and about how happy she was, only for him to do his f**king walk up with you know, they showed him, like, within walking in the rain with an umbrella. Think about what went behind that. He had been having these conversations with producers behind her back, behind her back. So he's telling her he loves her on the phone every night or seeing her on their little getaways, but meanwhile, he's calling producers and saying, yeah, okay, so what day are we gonna shoot this where I break up with her? What day are we gonna shoot this where I walk in the rain looking pensive, looking melancholy? Wait, listen, you know what? I have a great idea. What day is it raining? Because I feel like that would be a really good shot because raining is it's moody, it's, like, sad, it's depressing. It's like, let's not film my walk up in the sunshine, let's film it in the f**king rain. Ari might be Lucifer, and I think that blondie should shave his head or someone and see if we find a 666 birthmark because I'm petrified. So I'm watching this, sitting on my couch, drinking a curial like the 89 year old woman that I am, and I see Chris Harrison then comes back, and pretty much no one's clapping. You know there's, like, probably, like, someone who's, like, everybody clap, clap, and everybody just looks, like, physically ill. Like, I'm surprised that they didn't have barf bags, like, when you go on an airplane. I feel like every chair should have had a barf bag. That's how disturbing this footage was. And so, yeah, so Chris Harrison's, like, that was it's still not over. It's still not over. No. Because it's not it's not over. It was, like, the longest scene in the history of the f**king world, the longest unedited scene, especially. Everyone's really messed up about it. You can look at everybody in the audience, like, all of their faces. They're all weirded out. Then they go back to the scene because, again, it's not over, and he sits down, and Ari sits down with his, brunette fiance after he did his, rainy, moody walk up, which was probably 2 days before, some s**t like that, and he says, oh my god. There it is, talking about her ring. So Burnett thinks Burnett fiance thinks that she is going on a trip with him to this beautiful house in the hills in Los Angeles, gushing about him, can't wait to see him. He walks in. She loves him and adores him. He sits her down, and he goes, oh my gosh. There it is. Like a f**king a*****e. Knowing what he's about to do, like a f**king a*****e says about her ring. God, it's like every time I think about this it just gets worse and worse and worse. So then again, the split screen thing happens, and then there's this line that I wrote down in my notes. He says, the more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of reconciling things with Lauren. So, yeah, Becca oh no, so I got it wrong. So Becca is the brunette, Lauren is the blonde. Whatevs. So he literally says to his fiancee, the more I hung out with you hung out? The more I hung out with you, the more I realized I was probably gonna lose that other one. What? Like, if somebody said that to me I'm sorry. What did it it would be weird if a boyfriend said that to me right now, like, without being engaged, without, like, having that whole level of seriousness or whatever you wanna call it. That level of commitment and engagement is a huge f**king deal. So without that, I'd be like, wait, why are you even in a relationship with me if you were thinking about maybe reconcile Like, that doesn't even make sense. He's kind of dumb, I was seeing. I just couldn't believe that line. Like, that he said, you know, so like if he hadn't have hung out with her that much, would he not think about reconciling with Laura? None of it makes sense. Basically, Ari is worse than, and I thought that Juan Pablo was the worst bachelor, like the meanest bachelor, and now I think that Ari might be worse than anyone I've ever come into contact with. Listen, and I've dated some real douchebags, you know what I mean? Remember that dude Frank who tried to sell sex tape of me for $900? Pretty sure Ari's worse than that. So after this whole thing happens, the longest scene in the world that I felt disgusting for for watching, feel bad about myself that I watched it, you go to the after the rose ceremony. Because basically, what do you say? What do you say? What what does Becca the brunette say? Like, you obviously don't want me. I'm camera get out of my face like this sucks a*s. Like, it was awful to watch. I feel so badly for her. And, well, congratulations. She's a new bachelorette. And I feel like I'm just gonna watch it, even if it's boring, just to support her, because b***h has been through a lot, and that sucks. So after that whole scene, and you could tell, he was just itching to get out, but he kept sitting around. She kept saying, Please just leave. Please just let me be alone. Please just leave. And he just kept sitting there and wouldn't leave, but you knew that, like, he was only sitting there because he wanted to look good on camera, he wanted to to look like a good guy in some way, but you you could see in his face that he's like, f**k. I really do just wanna leave. I'm just thinking about banging that blonde chick. That's just, like, totally just what I'm that's all I really want. It was just, I don't know why I'm so affected by this. It's just so f**ked up. It's it's so messed up, this whole finale episode. So after that, it's the after the rose ceremony where Becca gets to be interviewed and we hear from her, and then she gets to confront Ari for the first time since this happened, which I found out what, they announced that it was in February, so it was only a month ago. Cool. So this happened a month ago and Ari and Becca confront each other, then Lauren comes out. Again, love both of the girls, nothing bad to say about them. I think they're both delightful, but Lauren comes out with Ari and he starts, I don't know, talking about how this made their love stronger. I'm like, what? Said no one ever. Like, how does dating a bunch of chicks on national television, choosing the other one and then going back to the runner-up, make your relationship stronger? No. No. No. No. No. Yo. This just happened in February. It's only been a month. So, like, calm yourself. It's not even a month, actually, now that I think about it. That's kinda wild to think about. So they're, like, parading their love around, talking about how it made them stronger and it's only been a few weeks. Yeah. Good luck to you. Wait till you move in with each other or wait till you, like, get into your normal routine where you don't have all of this excitement and Chris Harrison being a weirdo all around your relationship and people giving a s**t, and then tell me that this made your love stronger. Kaysies? So then, this is the real kicker, he proposes. So he proposes to Lauren Because he is just like a bachelor slave. I mean, you can just tell, he's a bachelor nation slave. He went to the producers behind Becca's back and said, I wanna film these scenes and just mortify her on national television. This was premeditated. Okay? This is my problem with it. I understand a breakup on national television. I've gone through breakups on national television. Those weren't premeditated. Whether I was being broken up with or I was breaking up with somebody, that's not this was so premeditated and well thought out that I just feel it felt so inauthentic and and gross. You could just tell how inauthentic he was and how I don't even know who he is as a person. But he still decides, because again, Bachelor Nation slave, to propose to Lauren on the After the Rose ceremony, and he decides to quote, I think, scripture or the Bible, because he goes, you have shown me a love that is patient, that is kind, and I'm listening to it like, pretty sure that's scripture, pretty sure that's, like, you know, the passage that people read at at people's weddings, you know, like, during the ceremony and stuff. Yep. You should not be doing that on ABC television on Tuesday night right now with a microphone on. You're back. Like, just don't, Ari. Like, please back up. But Lauren says yes, and they're together. And Chris Harrison, who, perfect timing, walked off at the right moment off the screen, off the stage, then walked back on at the right moment and said, Woah, I didn't even I didn't see that coming. And catch them later on Jimmy Kimmel. Seriously? You didn't see that coming? People don't just, like, get up on national television and just, like you you guys orchestrated this perfectly. Don't lie to us, Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison, do not lie to us. I see you. I see you. I know what you're doing, and I will not be manipulated. Oh, Chris Harrison. So that's pretty much what goes down. Then we find out Becca's the new Bachelorette. Again, super stoked for that. I think she deserves it more than anyone in the world. I go on Daily Mail again and I see that there's a new tell all book out, about, it's like a behind the scenes of The Bachelor where they say that the producers would keep track of the girls' menstrual cycles so that they knew when to interview them. I think that's bulls**t. I don't believe that for a second. And I said a lot more other, a lot of other things, but, I'm very excited to read this book. I love Bachelor Nation. Didn't watch this season. Very thankful that I didn't. Thankful I saw the ending because I now feel differently as a human being. I feel like I am truly transformed and changed. Like, I went through this experience that has really made me, it's like I was a moth or a caterpillar. I was a caterpillar and now I'm a f**king butterfly. And in those like few hours that I was watching the Bachelor finale and the After the Rose ceremony, I was in my f**king coc**n. But I'm reborn. So thank you, Ari, for making me appreciate every single person that I have around me in my life, including Jax Taylor, because I very much appreciate him now compared to you. That is how I feel about The Bachelor. I do wanna say a couple things because there is this Facebook group, this, Straight Apostasy Facebook group that I check-in on every now and then, and I saw that someone posted that there was a Cruise of Thrones sitch. So let me just say, it's a website called cruiseoftthrones.com, and it would be a cruise that is Game of Thrones themed. I went to the website, and so they would take you to all of the place, like, to a bunch of places where they filmed. I think it's a scam, and I'm scared that my listener that that are going to fall for it. I went so if you go to the website, super sketch. Okay? First of all, this would be a dream if it was real. I would I would do it in a second. But the website's kinda sketch, and then instead of just, like, booking it, like a, like, normal 2018 type of website, they make you submit, like, a request, And then they, I did that because even though I think it's a scam, I still have this like 1% hope that I'm gonna be proven wrong. So I submitted for it with my real email address and everything and they emailed me today. And they basically, in the email said, you are eligible to sign up. You have to put down $500 now or something. I'm like, what the f**k is this s**t? This is so weird. You're not even I don't even know what the plan is. I don't even know, like there's no info about the cruise. There's no info about anything. What do you mean I have to put down $500? Because it's a scam. The 99, the rest of the 99% of me is like, why, Stasse, are you even reading this email? Like, you know it's a scam. But I just want everyone to beware. I don't want anyone to sign up for it. Spread the word, I truly believe it's a scam. Until I am proven wrong, it's a scam, stay away from it. I don't want you guys losing any dinero. You know what I'm saying? Okay, I also wanted to recommend this TV show on Netflix. It's only 1 episode, but it's almost like a long television show, like one episode or a short movie. It's called Darren Brown's The Push. Y'all, so it was raining over the last weekend in Los Angeles, and I was at my boyfriend's home and I didn't we live in walking distance to each other, and I didn't feel like walking home in the rain. No. Not interested. My dogs are at his place. I'd rather just, like, stay there. I didn't have I didn't, I I was disgusting. I was like, can I just be a let's just be degenerates and watch TV all day because this weather sucks, major ass? So we're trying to find something to watch, and he goes, have you ever, did you hear about this, the push? I'm like, No, haven't. I watch a trailer for it and my mouth is agape. I am mesmerized. So I say, Put this on right now. I will do anything for you to put this on right now. I need to watch it. Y'all, Darren Brown is a professional manipulator. That's legitimately his job, okay? He knows how to manipulate people into doing crazy things. So this show, the whole point of it is to see if he can manipulate random pedestrians, random citizens of the world to murder someone by pushing them off a roof of a high rise building. It is not as disturbing as The Bachelor finale, but close. No. For real, it's, like, way more disturbing, and I just really need to, like, get the word out there because I had to get up multiple times while watching Darren Brown's The Push and just pace around the room because it was so intense. Watching some, I know you don't understand what I'm saying when I say he can manipulate someone into doing crazy s**t But if you just watch the first 10 minutes or watch the trailer, you will totally understand and it is totally great and awesome and cray. So just wanna give you that little nugget, that little gift. I'm gonna sign out right now. Thank you for listening to me, b***h, about the bachelor finale. ABC, better luck next next time, I guess. Ugh, god. Can we just I don't know. Can't it just be about love again? Can't The Bachelor just go back to, like, not being about fit tea posts? You know, I just want it to be about finding love again. Whatever. Have a romantic. Alright. Thanks, Khleasies. I will talk to y'all next week. Bye.
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