Transcript
So are we supposed to start the podcast ready one, two three? Is that my best ever? I think it is a great day. Perhaps looks so beautiful in her pink. She's grinning from ear to ear about her cla*s. I'm so proud of it. I mean, nothing makes you happier than a great clap. Yeah. How's that espresso machine working out for you that I recommend it? I love it. I absolutely love it. I'm doing the four shots like you told me. Yeah, it's just been a huge difference maker in my mornings. You know, that's the deal. You got to go pharmaceutical strength in the morning. You can't do this Americano watered down crap coffee. You have to go full throttled Italian pharmaceutical strength espresso. Espresso Lazaretto came before we get into what we've had it with. I was in the shower this morning before we came in effect, Mary Kale came to my mind. Okay, good. It is a really good one. OK, OK, f**k, marry, kill. Hassan Piker, OK. Jerry O'Connell, OK. Ben Meiselas, oh my gosh. Oh, these are all good. Well, they're all your boyfriends. They're all my boyfriends in one place. Mm hmm. OK, here's what it is. OK. And I don't feel good about it. OK, but I'm going to kill Hassan because he's too young for me. OK, I'm going to f**k Geri 100 percent. I knew you were going to affect Geri, going to f**k Geri. I knew you were going to ride that pony. I knew you were f**king I'm f**king Geri and I'm marrying Ben. Yep, that's exactly. I played the tape through in the shower. It's why we are soul mates. I immediately knew it was homicide with Hassan. Yeah, I immediately knew that he is a candidate for any of the three. He's a candidate for any of the three and he'd be. I'd love to f**k him if he wasn't so much younger than me, right? I think it'd be weird, but I knew that Jerry O'Connell was going to get the ride of my life. I knew that was coming, and then I knew that you would marry Ben Meiselas because you all could just be left up in bed watching all the algorithm s**t. And you could be like, You're on my algorithm, you're next to me. All right. Well, he's so smart. I love to hear him talk like it would be perfect. That would be my ideal situation for pubs and been sitting in a tree kissing. I knew it. What have you had it with? OK, what I've had it with and this has happened to us a lot lately. Let's hear it. It's when Kaso is not hot, when they give it to you. So it's supposed to be steaming, piping hot. And I would say four out of the last five times we've gone somewhere in order case, so I've had to send it back not once, but twice. You have carried the s**t out of that case, so I've never seen anything like it and I would have gone back for a third time, but she wouldn't let me know. I mean, I had just had it. I was like, This is not rocket science. Throw it in. f**king microwave. Worst case scenario listener surprised. I like to go to lunch together and we go to lunch about four out of five days of the week. Yeah, and we both like to get there around 11:00 a.m. We have an early launch before the crowd hits. Yep. And sometimes that Kaso has not been sitting in its pan long enough. So we order it and it comes out and it's lukewarm and I could push through. Yeah, you always are like we could push through and I'm like, No, Pam's cancer. She grabs the case, walks it back at. They bring it out again. She takes one bite. No can do. Not going to happen. She kierans that s**t right back up. This guy brings it out like the third time, and he's like, OK, I checked. The temperature was 130 degrees, and it kind of basically was like, This is the s**t it's going to be. Yeah, and I could tell she took a bite and I could tell like she wants, that she had to be 200 degrees hot, right? And it was like they were profusely apologizing. And I thought after the second time, wouldn't you just as a precaution or a pre-emptive challenge? Wouldn't you like put a spoon in it to see what the temperature is and to test it? So let me tell you what they did. Your back was to them. My face was to them, right? Had one of those, you know, like when your kids are little and you could do those little like laser thermometers. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Like on the temple, he had like one of those. Oh, nine, he was checking the temperature. So when he brought it back and said it was 130, it checked the temperature with one of those thermometers. I think that thermometer might have been off a little bit. Or maybe Casey's supposed to be served at one hundred and seventy degrees, whatever it was. I just it is striking to me how many times we've ordered Kaso in recent days and we've had to send it back. I just I find that odd and it not just at the same restaurant, different. You know, I when I dine with you and Josh, there's just a lot more interaction with the kitchen and the restaurant staff than with anybody else that I dine with. It's a higher dining standard. It is a higher dining standard, and you two are borderline unhinged about getting your needs met at the restaurants. That's true. Josh, for example, yesterday we were going through a drive thru to get like an ice cream, and Josh said, I'm just so tired of fighting with these restaurants and I go, What's been going on with the restaurants? And he said, Why go to this sandwich shop all the time? And I like to order an Italian sub and I get extra pastrami right? And I'm always battling with them because I don't have a button on the register for extra pastrami. So they have to charge me for extra turkey. And then they explain to me, Hey, you're going to see extra turkey, but it's really for the pastrami. He said that was about 25 orders ago. Finally, yesterday, the day that he's telling me this, he says to the sandwich shop, Listen, I know the deal. I invented this thing. I'm the guy who who decided I wanted extra pastrami and that you have to do the turkey. You don't have to even explain it to me anymore, right? And he looks at me and he's just exasperated and he goes, It's gotten to the point where I just don't even think I want the double pastrami anymore. I think I'm just and I can be a normal person. Right? Yeah, I experienced this with you and with Josh, every meal that I eat, there's really only two people on the planet besides my children that I eat with consistently. One is you, my wife, and the other is Josh. My husband and I just have to sit there and just accept they're going to really push this restaurant staff to the limits. And I just have to sit and watch because I can't really partake in it because you guys have an agenda. You guys have needs that want to be met. You're assertive about those needs. And I just sometimes like the hot case. So I am going to say when he brought it back the third time, it was more enjoyable. Well, I'm just that's what I was going to say. It's like high standards I feel like are the bare minimum. Let me tell you what I've had it with, and I think you're going to chime in on this with me. I've kind of had it. With Kylie editing our video episodes to where we must look like hammered dog s**t, yeah, because listener, we meet people in person at our hot s**t to her. And when we met Pepsi's f**k buddy Jerry O'Connell wannabe. Everybody's like, wow. You look really good in person, and it's such a shock. They're shocked and taken aback, and it's not one person. We've been to 22 cities now. Yeah, and it is every city. And then when we do in person, guess it is this surprise stand that we don't look so bad that we don't look like him or dog s**t. Yeah. So I think what's been going on since the beginning of this podcast is Kylie's Katniss up on the Instagram and on Tik Tok and on all this s**t on YouTube, and we look like haggard f**king lunatics. Now, of course, we lean into that with our behavior. I'm not saying that we're not aiding and abetting the situation, right? But there's this relief, and I know you've experienced it because we kind of look at each other and we're like, What the f**k is going on? What kind of f**k is Kylie up to defend yourself? Kyle's adding a hammered dog s**t filter just to be liked. I don't know if it's the light's bad. There is something going on because this is a regular thing, and I'm not saying we look good by any stretch of the imagination, but whatever we look like on these videos, they're pleasantly surprised to see us in person pleasantly. I think maybe they're bracing for impact, right? They like, Oh God, we're going to have to see the hammered dog s**t podcast Girls and they see us. And they're like, Not as bad as I thought. Not near as bad. And then they're coming good. You look great in person. Remember, Jerry O'Connell was like in person. You guys look really great. Yeah. Don even said, So yeah, I think it's Kylie. I think it's all Kylie. I think you're welcome. Sounds like I'm doing a favor. I have a whole theory, and we've talked about the dating app theory, right? Would you want to look better on camera and then they meet you in there like, Oh, I thought you were going to be prettier? No, I agree with that. I do think if you're going to have a dating profile, you don't over. What do you call it when you doctor up a photo? Photoshop Photoshop it. You don't photoshop it to such a degree. When you sit down at the table, they're like, Oh my God, she's a hammer. I thought she was pretty like, You're not recognizable. So I I do think it's better to have a less attractive picture and then knock their socks off when it's called what? This is the reverse catfish. It is the reverse catfish that we're doing here. You're putting us out on the internet. We look like camera dog s**t. Our behavior sadly probably matches that. So we're aiding and abetting this fraud that you're perpetrating. And then people meet us in public and in person and they're like, God, y'all actually like somewhat normal. You don't look a hundred and fifty years old. Yeah. So Kylie, I guess this is not going to change. I guess we're not going to take any proactive measures to help this situation. No, no, no. I think it's working. Here's what I think. I think we see people online and they're always photoshopped. They look incredible on Instagram, on TV, on film. You meet them. You expect them not to look is good because a lot of times they don't. Mm-Hmm. People just expect you to be uglier than the beauty that you look like on the screen. Mm-Hmm. And when you don't, you exceed their expectations. They let you know. Jennifer, I don't know about you, but I think that sounds like an excuse. It's the reverse catfish and also a jet stream of bulls**t from our executive producer, Kylie. I would fire on the spot, but we don't know how to do jack s**t with it. We can't do anything. We'd be lost. That's right. So we'll just look like s**t on the internet and keep moving and just roll along. All right, welcome to I've had it podcast AK Girl. Please perhaps say it. Say, Welcomed a girl. Please, welcome to girl, please welcome to rock hard c**k chats. I still don't know where that came from. Well, I think we all know where it came from. I think that's been established. Yeah. You got to get late. Got to get laid, that's it. Full stop. Yeah. Then maybe you'll quit trying to rename our podcast rock icon. All right. All right. I want to talk before we kick it to Kylie. I want to talk about this trend that I saw on Tik Tok. That is so bizarre, and I probably spent about an hour on this feed. This this algorithm, so bizarre. You couldn't turn away. I couldn't stop. It's called the trad wife Tik Tok trend, and trad is short for traditional. Have you seen this? Is that a rhetorical question? No, I haven't seen it. OK, so there's these gals on Instagram and they're like baking bread and their kids are kind of, you know, around them as they're doing it. And then they have like a voiceover and it's like, I'm a traditional wife. Women these days are all about trying to make their place in the workforce, but I'm trying to make my place in the home. I bake homemade bread for my children. And I believe in being a submissive wife for the Lord and teaching biblical principles. Yak yak, blah blah. I go in. I've got about 15 of these girls clocked right because I've spent an hour of my life never getting back. You're in. So here's what I thought about the whole thing. Number one, it's such bulls**t and it's a total scam because they're acting like their traditional wives. Yet they're producing these highly edited in like clipped TikTok videos, right, that are going viral. This one gal has, I would say, a set of breasts that probably yours look like when you were probably in your early 20s, late teens. A dynamic duo? Yes, a dynamic duo. She's all dolled up, and she wears kind of 1950s style dresses with kind of a low scoop neck, a real tight cinched waist. She's kind of a blonde bombshell, right? And she's always on there grandstanding and for makeup tits out, making all this homemade s**t, talking about the Bible. And to me, I'm watching it and I'm like, This has got to be some sort of fetish thing that people are watching. Got to be, you know, and I'm like, there's nothing traditional about all this grandstanding and putting it on social media. It's traditional wife fraud. Yeah, for starters. And number two, like the fact that like this is kind of trying to make some comeback when we all know you and I listener, we had a lot of young listeners. When you get to be our age, we tell you what happens to women that go all chip it all chips in on their husbands income. Actually, I'm going to let the divorce attorney tell you what happens when a woman is college-educated, has a job, quits her job and then stays at home for 15 20 years. And then the husband f**ks around. What is this broad? Find out that she's f**ked to death, that she will. It will take her 10 years to make an equivalent of the income that she and her husband made together, that she will never recover financially from that. And I can speak not only divorce lawyer, but personal experience, because that's what I did, and it was an abject disaster. And not only that, then a lot of times women accept unacceptable situations, absolutely so that they can survive, right? So this is number one, it's total fraud grandstanding that they're doing. But number two, it is a very dangerous message for women. And when you get to be all right, not everybody's marriage is great and typically the ones that are grandstanding on the internet about how great their marriage is. Those are the most f**ked up out of all of them. No, I agree. And it always. Any time someone says I submit to my husband, I'm always alarmed. Anytime anyone says they're submitting to anything that they take away their own. Intellectual and intellectual autonomy. I mean, financial autonomy, it it's dangerous is a good word. It's really dangerous because you become dependent on that and then you're in a situation where you're financially trapped, you're emotionally trapped because you think, OK, well, I need to submit somebody else makes better decisions than I do of their bragging on their. My husband makes 100 percent of all financial decisions, right? Which is and I stay at home and it's got these kids and they're in these girls. Some of them are like young, some kind of granola, and they're cute. But then they always slip in all this Bible stuff with it, too. And it's just like. Women are progressing to a state now where we are able to have autonomy and have an exit strategy, if you're find yourself in a situation that is unacceptable, abusive, controlling, toxic, not productive. And when you submit to your husband, you submit to all of it, all of their crazy and it's unhealthy and all of this s**t's going completely viral. So my take on it is number one, the one gal with the dynamic duo brass, right? I think there's some sort of sexual fetish thing going on that she's getting all these guys because it's it's it has all of these kind of like sexual undertones. Well, then there's kind of like the granola hippie with a tinge of Omeish kind of granola that's baking these breads and the talking about the Bible and her husband makes all of these decisions and how empowering that is for her. What? That's fraud. That's not even what. Yeah. And I just imagine if you're doing this, you can't both be a traditional wife and then have this side hustle producing these tok things. I don't know if you've ever tried to make one of these Tik Tok rails. I haven't kids listener those of you that know how to do this blindfolded. Good for you. We didn't grow up with computers in our house. We had encyclopedias, OK? And it's very complicated to make these Tik Tok videos. That's why we can't fire Kylie for making us look like s**t on the internet because we need her. We need her. It's very complicated. And so they're doing all this s**t. It's the same with these performative moms who are like, Look at what a great mom I am. I'm like, Well, we know you're spending at least eight hours a day editing all these TikToks, right? So shut the f**k up. I'll tell you where that that is worrisome. I mean, in the back of my mind, when you first started talking about it, I was like, Are they serious about it? And I guess the answer's yes, but it's just it's so far outside my realm of comprehension. Why that would be a good idea that I just am like, Are they serious? Oh, they're serious. I mean, it just it's mind blowing. They're serious. And there was this one gal that made like a contrarian point of view. She was a black woman, and she said, Oh, isn't it so nice these trad wives talking about taking being a wife back 50 years ago? Right? Let me tell you something. Black women have had to work in this country since they were brought over on the slave ships. These black women worked in the homes of these traditional wives, right? And we've had to work this whole time. So this traditional wife, this trad wife trend, is nothing short of just flexing what white women are able to do because black women have had to work from the job for the last 400 years. It's not an option to, you know, be at home and manage your staff and make all this bread and blah blah. So I loved her like I liked and favored it, and I did all the stuff on tech. Talk with her video. Loved it. Yeah, I love that she did a good job, and I'll tell you what else. You know, who else is the traditional wife? Serena Waterford on The Handmaid's Tale. Yeah, she's also a sociopath, also said, I'm going to tell you, you do kind of get these sociopathic vibes from these videos. They're like, it's it's like a Stepford slash sociopathic vibe. I'll show them to you. When we quit filming, it's nuts. It is psychotic. It's dangerous. And then here's the thing you have so many people that are so maybe insecure and impressionable in their early 20s that see that and they make it look so ideal, like their crime baking. You don't see the kids, you know, going crazy with grain snot coming out of their nose and s**tting their pants all over the house. Yeah. You know, and then the husband, you know, God making him do God knows what. And I just think it's just this really backward dangerous thing to glorify. Like, it's a free country post whatever the hell you want to on the internet. But the trad wife, s**t, I've had it up to my eyeballs. I think it's a total fraud. And and. If you're a trad wife spinning all of these hours, curating all of these videos, getting super dolled up for your Instagram, you're just a grifter on the internet. Like the rest of us writing, you're no different than pumps in me, right? We're all about your grifting on the internet, so get the f**k over yourself. Own it. You know, like, I'm a grifter drifting out like I'm a traditional wife, but really, I'm a TikTok influencer or an internet influencer. That's what that's what they're doing. It's no different than the get ready with me, you know, which is everybody's out grifting on the internet trying to make a buck? No, I totally agree. Top of the list us. All right, Kylie, have you seen that trad wife stuff? I have? It's really scary. Do you think there's any lesbian trad wives? There's got to be, but not as many lesbians are better. Lesbians should rule the world. They said lesbians are better. I don't know that there would be like a lesbian trad wife. That's about all this submissive, right? That's in the Bible stuff because, you know, you get when you get with the gay stuff and then you get the Bible stuff there, those things don't mix well. They've tried. They're trying to make loopholes and what whatnot for it. But typically, if you're that kind of a Bible follower, your only option if you're gay is to pray it away, right? And we all know how well that works. Lindsey Graham failure? All right. Perhaps it's no secret that I take being a pet owner incredibly serious. There is absolutely no doubt about that. It is a journey that I'm on with my dogs and I want their lives to be as carefree and wonderful as they deserve to be. 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Perhaps I have to tell you, you never stop needing therapy, and just when I think nailing it, I've got everything on lockdown. I end up thinking something crazy or doing something crazy or have some sort of internal conflict. That's why I love better help so much. I love better help because it's so convenient and I can do it in my own home, which causes me more. Causes me to be more comfortable and open with my therapist. Absolutely. And I think that as we keep ageing in life, there is a desire to just get better and make your life easier. And that's why I love better help. The therapists are so incredibly talented, and the idea that we can do this in our own homes on our own schedule makes me so much less inhibited. To be brutally honest, to get to my core issues, listener become your own soul mate, whether you're looking for one or not. Visit BetterHelp.com/ had it today to get 10 percent off your first month. That's better. Help LP.com/ had it. I want to talk about liars on the internet today. Oh, God, that's. That's right. You know, what's a great Segway? Because that's what the trad wives are liars on the internet. I planned that really good Segway. This is a good lie, I guess, but we posted a promotional reel for an episode that had not come out yet. OK, so you put a rail up to promote that? It's coming out? Like what tomorrow? Yeah, the next day, no one had seen it, except the three of us in this room. OK. Someone named Maureen. And I'm not scared to call her out because I know she's not listening to the pod commented and said. This was such a funny episode, and it hasn't aired yet, it hadn't aired yet. So she's just flat up straight out lying in the comments section slide. Well, maybe she just thinks that our episodes are just reels online. I just don't think so, pops. I think she's lying on the internet. I think I think she wanted praise. And what did the comments say? What did you write in the comment when you did the promotional? The caption said, Episode drops tomorrow. OK, that's worse. So she's not reading it. She's not watching it. She's not paying attention and she's lying. But at least she's lying in a positive light. I'll give her that OK. I also have a DM that we received that I want to read to you. OK. This is from Aaron. And Aaron writes an ode to Jennifer, Princess di Kylie, plus new b***h on behalf of my wife and your self-proclaimed number one fan. We want to thank you for saving our marriage. How did you do that, you may ask? Well, it's quite simple. You stopped being lazy twats and started taking your real job seriously by delivering more content on YouTube, Patreon and by adding I hip news to YouTube. My wife and I have gone back to our nightly ritual of not speaking to each other unless we pause the video to agree with something funny, you said. However, before you get too high on your own supply. This is absolutely not the time to rest on your laurels and revert back to old patterns. Divorce will still happen without pumps, and blue clay furniture will still thrive without Jennifer. And now that I've expressed my feelings, I need to go have my daily men tbh. How cute was that? Saving marriages, saving marriages with the addition of girl, please welcome to our news channel. Girl, girl, please, no listener we have. We start on Mondays and Fridays and I because we're both very political, right? Both consume a lot of news and read the news. Nobody on the planet consumes as much news as pops, right? But so on Mondays and Fridays on YouTube, only we do our take on the news. For those of you who for some bizarre reason that might still be hanging around that are MAGA followers you would not like at all. The Monday Friday news segments? No, not at all. But you know what? They could write hateful comments, and that would make him feel better. Yeah, and it would help no one give us comment. That's a dramatic readings. No, to help the algorithm, right? And number three, you know, I can't imagine when you just start going off in the comment section that you feel good. Obviously, people do, because they like to just go ape s**t crazy, let their freak flags fly. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. Speaking of freak flags flying, I saw a Washington Post article that I have to tell you about. People are now having something called the Buddy Moon instead of a honeymoon. And it's where they invite their friends along with them on the honeymoon, on the honeymoon. So this girl, for example, she can't, she wrote. We literally went from welcome party to rehearsal dinner, then wedding day. Then the buddy boom where everyone came along and some people are even doing family moves. Oh God. Oh, shut the f**k all of their families coming on their honeymoon with them. Now that is just a recipe for disaster. Psychotic. Here would be my take on it from personal experience. I one time took an anniversary trip with my ex husband, and I took it to a place that I had a really close girlfriend. And so she stayed with us the whole time. But that was by design. So there was no alone time with ex-husband on an anniversary trip. So that to me screams, I don't want to be with my spouse alone. I mean, that's and maybe that's just my projection, because that's what I did. But I just don't think it's normal. Aren't you just supposed to like breed like rabbits the whole time on your honeymoon and just be in La La Land Goo-Goo for Gaga love? Well, I mean, I would just think that it's a time after you have done all of these group activities, right? You've gone through the showers, the rehearsal dinners, the welcome parties, the receptions. Everybody's around you all the time. It's a time to just go and kind of decompress. Like you said, have sex. Have a nice time together. Bringing the friends is problematic, right? Bringing the family is an extra layer of concern. No, that's alarming. I mean, I can kind of see if you're going on a great trip and another couple wants to come. I mean, kinda sorta. Maybe you could tell that to me. Maybe do a couples trip at a later date. Right? This is the honeymoon. This is the honeymoon. But bringing your family that just that just tells me your mother and father in law are going to be in your bedroom, your entire marriage. That is a terrible idea. Buddy Moon, Buddy Moon, I don't know. I just think that's not a good way to start. And listener, in case you're new here, will you please remind the listener how your marriage ended after the buddy bursary trip? And went down in a ball of flames, sank like the Titanic. It was a train wreck. I mean, it was just every bad metaphor you can come up with. Yeah, is applicable disaster city. I think that that is all a symptom of this anxiety of the same thing. When you're when you don't want to be alone and if you don't want to be alone as a couple, it's this anxiety that something's off, right? And I just think it's a huge red flag. Huge. So how do we charge people for that diagnosis that we just gave them? What's a therapist like 250, 300 dollars an hour? Yeah, Venmo POM at pubs pumps part because that is just if you find yourself in a situation where you've planned all this stuff and then you're leaving town and your friends are going with you on your honeymoon. And if your family is going with you on your honeymoon, that is just an extra layer of. Disaster is just weird, it's weird. Who wants their family to go on their honeymoon is so creepy. Creepy, creepy. Yeah. Well, I mean, God, I'm just, you know. You know, one thing that I enjoy about bringing up all this stuff. It just highlights. How healthy we are. Which is not easy to do. We're not trad wife, tick tock influence. No, we are not. We're not going on Buddy Moon's not going on, but we're not going on family matters. I can't imagine anything worse. Hmm. The only thing we have going for us is we look like hammer dog s**t on camera. Right? The upside is we look less like him or dog s**t in person. The reverse catfish is going on here, and I've had it. Up next, we have one of our favorite features that Kylie and Seth and I prepared. We have not shared these with paps because as the listener has grown accustomed, pumps laugh is best when it's natural and just letting us all in on the giggle. So we're going to read from the next door app. Okay, this year, one of my favorites. OK. Pampas. And this is the entire thing is cap block. OK, so she's screaming it Donald Trump true social cap block. 2:45 a.m. Bender OK, OK. Important information contained below. If you own a locking mailbox and if your box was pried open with a tool, it is absolutely legal to rig your mailbox to detonate a small, nonlethal explosive device to scare the would be theft from stealing your mail. There are tutorials on YouTube. And don't worry, the mailman will be safe. If that doesn't solve your problem? Send me your address. And when you most frequently experience mail theft and I'll hide in the bushes and stake out your mailbox until you are satisfied. If you absolutely can't figure out how to do this yourself first and I assure you it is legal. Second, I can help and can be contacted on this website. If you need help setting up the contraption. Stay safe and screw the mail thieves. I think we found who's breaking into the mailboxes, right? She's doing it herself so she can make all these bombs and stop people's mailbox. I mean, that is some A-plus crazy right there. What about just let me know when this happens and I'll take it out and hide in the bushes? I mean, that's kind of a profile in courage. I mean, just selfless neighborly actions right there. Like, if you can't blow the criminal up by making this bomb on YouTube, right, that you got the directions. Don't worry, I got you. Even though we don't know each other, we're neighbors. We're both on the neighborhood app. I'll stake it out and hide in the bushes. And here's the deal she's telling people opening a mail bomb in your mailbox. No worries. It's legal. Who the f**k are you? Karen, have you heard of the Unabomber? Dumb ass, right? Like, people don't go around bombing people over f**king snail mail. I mean, that just doesn't happen. What a freak. You know what? She needs something to do to get laid. To get laid. Right? If, like three or four months from now, this is what I'm staking out mailboxes. We'll just hire a gigolo. I think we're going to I think we're going to have to because this is the downside of not having sex. That's what we've jumped right into. We're bombing people's mailbox high and ambitious. We're giving legal advice when we're not lawyers yet. We're spending 24-7 staking out other people's mailbox and it might remind you over snail mail. Yeah. Kylie, do you have anything good for us? I do have got Tina, who lives in Austin, Texas, OK? She writes on Next Door and says, I would love to have a Trump and Cruz sign in my yard. Where do we get them? Ryan responds. Jim Crow's campaign office has some. Tina says. Where's that? Ryan says 1950s segregation street. Tina says it's not coming up on navigation. Is it awesome? Tina, the Tina is exactly who I think of when I think about a Donald Trump and Ted Cruz supporter and educated. And conscious and incompetent. Here's what here's what just blows my mind. If you were kind of an if you were a nut, you're like totally in on Trump and Cruz, right? Whatever the psychology is that gets you there, let's just say that I'm going to accept it. The part that I can't accept is that you advertise about it, right? Why aren't you embarrassed? You know what I mean? If you're like one of these, I'm a fiscal Republican and I'm just voting for my tax bracket bubble. Shut the f**k up. Don't tell anybody you're doing it right. Don't put a Trump sign in a Cruz sign in your yard. But this level of crazy is so unhinged. I mean, they're like ripping their clothes off. Peyton Cruz, MAGA Photoshop in pictures of both of them. And it's just like this weird homoerotic worship that they have for these politicians. It's just this that watching observing that level of crazy is really fascinating to me. Now, I'm totally fascinated by the whole thing. I love the fact that the guy stuck with it in answering the questions, though if you watch on on TikTok or on Instagram, those reels were like the good liars and Jordan. What's his name? Jordan something Klepper Clapper. Yeah, they go to these Trump rallies and within the second question, they have these people in an intellectual headlock. And the people don't realize it. No, they do not. They've just contradicted themselves 17 times, right? Got them in like this intellectual headlock. It's the easiest thing in the planet for them to do. Perhaps normally I think bras are so uncomfortable, and I dread that time in the morning where I'm getting ready that I have to put on a bra. But ever since I've discovered scams, I absolutely enjoy it. I love their bra and panties so much because they're so incredibly comfortable. I don't feel like I have to rip my bra off every time I get in the car nowadays. Absolutely not. Let me tell you what I love. I love the fits everybody T-shirt bra. I can wear these bras to work under my clothes, and I can also wear them as sports bras when I play tennis or pickleball because they're all the support I need. And you absolutely feel like you're not wearing one. 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Factor is less expensive than takeout, and every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious. There's no prep. No Mass Factor's meals are 100 percent ready to heat and eat, so there's no prepping, no cooking or clean up needed, which is why I'm totally all chips in on this deal. Now I understand why you're cooking. Yes, had to factor meals..com/ had it 50 and use code had it five zero to get 50 percent off. That's code had it five zero at factor meals.com/ had it five zero to get 50 percent off. All right, this one's titled Naked Neighbors, Hey, guys. Has anyone else seen the elderly couple who are walking the streets nude around 6:45 a.m. every morning? I know when they're walking by because my dog starts going crazy. Please let me know if you know them or if you've seen them. I would like to join them. It seems super liberating and fun, as there aren't many people out at that time. Thanks. What on earth is going on in that neighborhood? Two 65 year olds naked walking down the street at 6:45 and this guy's not horrified. He's wanted to jump in. I mean, I just am kind of like, you know, whatever. That does not sound good at all. I mean, I like the liberation factor like run around in the backyards together, have a swinging single naked party all day long. But I just for me personally, I don't want to see it. All right. I want to play. Would you rather? Real quick. OK? Would you rather go on a cruise? The world's largest cruise ship, 8000 passengers. Lots of children. OK. And you have to dine with people, you have to interact, you have to do activities for 10 days or go to an exclusive all nude resort for 48 hours. Easily the new resort for 40 hours. I don't have a problem with the nudity, but just on the street. All right. Let me let me let me let me sweeten the deal here at the nude resort. There are group activities such as nude volleyball, oil wrestling, mud wrestling, you know, bubble time where buddies in the hot tub with bubbles. All of those freak show things that they do with these nude resorts, and you have to do a full nude yoga, you know, fluffing massages where you, you know, you're like a fluffer to get people ready for sex and whatnot. 48 hours. And I mean, you have to do a full itinerary if all the naked s**t or 10 days on the carnival. I'm going to the spa, I mean, because when you said that, I thought I could probably in if I were oral oil at the dragons and then I could do like a volleyball. You know how you survive, although I bet by the end of 48 hours I could serve volleyball with the dragon that I could. I mean, I really do. I mean, that's immediately what I thought I could work. Would you just would you just kind of just be like, OK, I'm here for 48 hours and I'm naked, so I'm just going to oil up and I'm just going to be loud. I'm in a shimmy at which what would you do with your boobs, with my pubes? Yeah. Prior to your to your 48 hour debut at the nude resort, I would be a high and tight complete trim job. Would it be? Would you have any or would you go for Brazilian? No, I'd have some not full Brazilian little landing strip. Just a little tiny patch. Yeah, for for maybe Jerry O'Connell if he were there to play on the plane? Yes, just a few directions. Guiding direction. Yes. Yes. Oh man. But there's just very few things that I would not do to avoid a group activity people a cruise ship of 8000 people for 10 days. I mean, you can't even imagine what do you think we can do, Kylie to make this 48 hour at the nude vacation? Hotel happen, I think we could post it on Patreon. It sounds like the hanger trick is going to be whipped out if we're doing volleyball. Oh for sure, I'm doing the hanger trick. I might even be the star attendee of the nudist call of the nudist colony. If I could go around and teach the group how to hang a hanger on their nipples, on their nipples, maybe I could do a neth hanging on the nipples with wire hangers. My goal could be to get back to a wooden hanger or even a big coat hanger. OK, let me ask you this. Let's say that like you go to nude morning yoga, right? Then you have nude breakfast. OK, right there, serving like sausages and all this phallic s**t, right? Hot dogs. You got to eat all that. You got to eat all that s**t. And then they have. You have a choice for your mid morning activity. You can either go to booty twerking cla*s. OK. Or. Hot tub, circlejerk, massage where everybody sits in a circle and a hot tub, massage each other in oils, or you talk in your booty, are you doing the circlejerk massage? CircleJerk massage? I thought you were going to say I had to stick a hot dog or a sausage in my vagina. That's what I was preparing myself for. I was like, Oh God. I mean, here's the deal. I'd still go to the resort. I just take a sausage link and just f**kin own that s**t. But you've got to get over there. Cravings, just like dogs up your what get consider to go on a cruise ship desperate. But no one asked you to do that. That's what I thought she was going to do. That's what I was prepared for. Have a microphone and you just went ahead and volunteered that you're cramming hot dogs and wienerschnitzel zap your twat. Well, in the interest of full transparency, if it's a would you rather I just can't be it would you rather that was. It might, wouldn't you rather. That's all your idea that came from that, from the depths of your psyche. I'm just picturing you twerking, you know, to baby got back and stuff, and I'm thinking how fun that would be and how much I like to watch and dance. That's why it would be so fantastic. I had no idea where your mind was going, where you had no idea where you're eating stuff through your vagina instead of your mouth at the breakfast, at the all inclusive nude camp that Kylie and I are clearly going to sign you up for. With the help of our Patreon members, those filthy animals over at Patreon love it. Yeah, yeah, that's what I that's what I thought I was going, Oh my God, I just love pups, Kylie, what about you? You simply mentioned breakfast. She's no, she said phallic reference. And I thought that sausage sausages. I just thought, stuff it up your jaw. But I thought that was not at all. Mine didn't, either. That's just I was. I was. I was using a narrative, a descriptive narrative for our listener to explain that like, this is a naughty. You know, there's a lot of sexual innuendo at the nudist vacation hotel. And so I'm just painting the picture in a descriptive way. Babs is grabbing those sausages and hot girls gone wild, like cramming them up her vision and then telling everybody that's what she was thinking about to all 10 of our listeners admitted it. Yeah, it it. Yeah, that's where her head went. And I mean, she didn't even bat an eye about the nude thing. And then the next thing, you know, she's cramming the tip of her vagina. You know what? I think you would probably. I think you'd probably get laid a ton. I think you'd probably think I actually do. Yeah, it would be great. I probably f**king love it. When you go back the next weekend, you could just get laid, left and right. I could just I mean, I could do like three or four in a weekend. Yeah, maybe a day. Yeah. The dragons are out there playing volleyball there, oil that's been ready anyway. Yeah, I moved up from head to toe. We shot in and out. No, not breakfast. I'll just take the weenie like at the sausage and just be nice. Our who else coming? I was sorry. It always. This is what always happens with us. Yeah, we're just not. This is what always happens with us so that to our young, younger listeners. You never really grow out of fun, potty humor. No, you don't. And if you do, then I don't want to be the dear friend. Now the crass parts of the fun part. Yeah, if you don't have a friend that would go to a nudist hotel and during breakfast, cram hot dogs and wine or schnitzels and sausages up through vagina just for kicks. And it would you rather bet than get new friends. You've got the wrong friend. Got the wrong friends pumps has already taken. She's mine. I'm not trading around today. Not today. OK, Jean posted. People, when you are sitting in the comfort of your own home watching porn, apparently on a sound bar from what info I can get, you may not realize that you are broadcasting it through my Samsung Smart Hub refrigerator. Please disconnect from my device. That's fantastic. So this is a neighbor that's got their porn going, and it's coming out on this woman's refrigerator. Yeah, so it probably has a Samsung soundbar. Right? So it's Bluetooth connected. So he just click Samsung for a soundbar and the neighbors got a Samsung Bluetooth refrigerator, which I could only imagine is something like this happened at the pumps residence at Porn's heard coming out of the refrigerator. I don't know. I mean, with all of this, you know, the Sahara Desert Drought years going through no sausage would be safe. No sauce, no sausage in the neighborhood would be safe. I mean, we just have to appreciate like her refrigerators playing porn for that's pretty amazing. I mean, that's we have come a long way with technology, the marvels of modern science. How about that? That's funny. Well, I really like that. All right, Joel writes. Can one of you guys that drive 50 miles per hour down my street run over that lady that walks her dogs at 4:30 in the morning? Thank you. I'm with him. I think that's a great comment. OK, here's one to the little girl that threw a fully grown adult potato at my head this evening. I hope you are happy with yourself. I hope you had a good laugh when that potato bounced off my car and hit me again. I am a proud family man and Lexus owner and don't deserve vegetables flying at my head. This town has taken a turn for the worse. Thank you. That's just a big, fat titty baby, right? I didn't realize that Lexus owners had a preferred treatment over other car owners, did you? No, I didn't, either. And I f**king love the fact that the potato bounced off the car and hit him again. Yeah, he deserved it. He deserved it. What I mean, who gets mad at a kid does something stupid like that. I mean, that just happens. s**t happens. Yeah, titty baby deluxe, teddy, baby city, baby, baby city, baby. All right, this one says hello. I might be in need of a summer nanny. I have an eight year old daughter and an 11 year old son. Pam responds, Do not have Joe Biden watch kids. Thank you for that update. Do not have Joe yet, because that's what Joe Biden's going to do as a side hustle. He's going to be an au pair. He was about to respond to this right and take the job. You know what, President? I've got some downtime in the summer. I'll be a nanny as a side hustle. I just. How about somebody that may need a nanny like you either need a nanny or you don't? This is so unhelpful. This is so unhelpful on so many levels. Here's one very angry. I'm very upset at some of my neighbors. In fact, I am completely disgusted and disturbed. I cannot believe the disrespect that I have encountered in this neighborhood when I am walking my pet iguana. I expect to be greeted with joy. Thank you so much, Brad. My lovely teenage neighbor for calling me a weird lizard lady and telling me to go home and proceeded to then call me a waffle stomper. What does that even mean? I will walk my iguana with confidence. Never again will me and John McCain, my iguana be disrespected. Next time, I will be calling the proper authorities. Brad was mean to John McCain. The iguana. And she had had it. She's had it with that. She has had it. Nobody is going to disrespect John McCain except for Donald Trump. And that's right, everybody knows that. I mean, he's the only one allowed. Here's what my thought is if you're a weird lizard lady and you walk your lizard. Why don't you just own being that weird lizard lady? It's highly unusual to walk a lizard. It's highly unusual. I think it's a weird name for the lizard John McCain. Maybe she had a crush on him. Maybe she admired him because he was a war hero. Here we are back with the crushes on men. All right here. I think this woman's a not and for sure. And then if a kid, teenage kid Brad Scania, weird lizard lady. I mean, let's just grow up. Aren't you a weird lizard lady? I mean, the facts indicate you are a weird lizard lady. Yeah. So I mean, I think I think he probably has a classic situation. Let me ask you this. Are you a weird nudist colony, lady? Is that what you are? Breakfast. So you are pumped in that scenario? Absolutely. And you know what? Here's the deal. f**king own that. What about the volleyball, either weird volleyball serving off your titty? Here's the deal. If I could surf volleyball of my oiled up and dragon, I would be so proud of that. I might posted on Instagram if I knew how you'd be the star of the company intranet. Honestly, I'm here for it when my kids be delighted. You know what? There are so many ways that we, as mothers, can make our children proud of us. Absolutely. You know, and I think that's one thing we have. I don't think anybody's ever discussed that, right? I've never heard that on a podcast or in the news. Highly of you. I have not. Yeah, we could maybe even turn it into like a trial Olympic sport. Yeah. Get one of the triad moms out there. What do they call triad moms? Yeah. Triad, mom. See if she can. We could compare her serve if her husband lets her after discussion from her husband, of course, and after the bread's rising. Right, right, right. Well, I mean, we could go on and on, but we need to save some of these for the next time we whip out a neighborhood app episode, but I think that was great. We learned a lot of great stuff about pimps today. We have some goals for you. You have some goals. We have some new outdoor activities I could be trying. I just, you know what? I can't believe. I can't believe how hot you are that we haven't received just a deluge of applications of suitors chomping at the bit. Oh yeah, it's ready. We'll take you out and razzle dazzle you. I'm dead serious. I mean, I see it in the comments section, right? Well, maybe one has a friend they can set me up with. Well, all right. Let's continue this conversation about your dating arc and our Patreon in our aftershow. If you've not joined our Patreon yet, we do after shows, after each podcast for more content and when we get one million subscribers, pumps is going to strip down naked and balance a wire hanger on her nipple. I'm also going to add to that. Also, with volleyball off one of the dragons, or at least attempt to. Oiled up, oiled up, butt naked, butt naked. Oh, God, that's great. We're so short of this goal, but I mean, that's why I mean, I might even say I'd put a sausage in my vision if we got a million. Why not? Why not throw that in? I mean, sky's the limit for us on Patreon. Yeah. All right. So join us on Patreon. Come see us on the hot s**t to were still pretty butthurt that the number of downloads we have do not correlate with the number of five star reviews. Just a little side grievance of mine that I guess I'm going to continue to have as long as we have these lackluster and engaged listeners. What else do we tell them? Subscribe to all of our stuff, subscribe and send a voice memo about what you've had it with too. I've had it podcast on Instagram. And if you're in Patreon in the top tier of our patron cult, you have a direct line to Kylie for your grievances to be featured on an episode of this hammered s**t podcast of ours. Perhaps tell them we will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I've had it with that.
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