S1 / E28 I'll Win You Back: Stalking Bethany

Transcript

Well, we're on a holiday break, but enjoy Carolla classics until we return. Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, superfan, Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights, and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla Show. We have a companion podcast titled Caroll Classics. The ad free archives are exclusively available through Adam Caroll's Substack. Alright. Coming up first, we have Adam Caroll Show 1022. This is Grant Lee Phillips, Dave Damashek, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. This is an infamous what a fool believes clip. It's a lot of fun. Hope you enjoy. Hey, fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to substack, and there's an ad free audio and video version of The Adam Carolla Show that's gonna be waiting there. In the near future, you'll even be able to watch ACS live, unedited as we record it, participate in the show via live chat. That'll be coming up very soon. You'll also get an ad free version of the Adam Corral and Doctor. Drew show. You'll also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat It Out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is gonna be J Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low, low price of 9 bucks a month. A pittance for all we're going to bring you. Subscribe now at adamparola.com/substack, and I'll see all of you in our new Speakeasy called substack. Since we're busting Dawson's chops, it's a perfect time to mention that Lisa Lowe will be coming in next week. Oh. Alright. Let's tell the story now so Grant Lee knows all about it. Yeah. You're gonna be too. One time, Dawson, when I was doing a morning show when I was doing a morning show in, 2008 or something like that, he showed up in Shants that didn't have gravy on them. And I said, woah. What's the occasion? Dress Shants. Yeah. Yeah. Put my cans off. Yeah. He was wearing he was wearing flip flops or, like, only 4 to 6 years old. And I said, what is the occasion, Dawson? And he said, Lisa Loeb's coming in today. And I said, yeah. And he said, she does that single show. You know? The number one hit single or whatever it is. She did that, like, VH one single. Like, Lisa Loeb's single and looking for looking for a date show. Remember that? Right? Single? Was that No. It was single. Number one single. Right. And she's cute as a button, and she sounds great and writes fun songs and everything like that. And and I said, so, what of it, Dawson? And he said, we're going out. And I said, you're going out? Yeah. And I said, how's that gonna work? And he said, I'm gonna ask her out. I said, what? That don't mean you're going out. You can apply for a job at at the Pentagon, but it doesn't mean you're gonna be working there. And he said, well, she's single. I said, yeah. I know. But at least in the TV show, she's single, but that don't mean she's going out with you. Oh, you have access to every by the way, I'd get divorced tomorrow if I thought those were the rules. Lynette, none no offense, but you know what I'm saying. The rules aren't because you're single, you must date me. The rules are you'll have to sign off on this request. So Some some sort of positive affirmation. Yeah. I said to Dawson, this is not a done deal by any stretch of imagination. That information confused Dawson more than anything. And I said, alright. Well, go ahead and ask her. I'm not telling you not to ask her out. I'm just saying, don't start, you know, planning it the date out just yet until you get confirmation from her. And, she he said, yeah. A little confused by by the exchange. Long story short, they're married. Long story short, she came in an hour later, sang a song, split. And I said, did you ask around? He went, yeah. And I said, what happened? No. That's okay. And I thought, let this be a lesson to you and everyone else who is interested. Terrible taste in men. No. To never try ever. And I hope there's young people listening. Now here's the good news and the and the bad news, Dawson. She's not going to remember this exchange. I know. And I'm I've I'm happy about that. Can you do all news till he tells her. Until I tell her. No. The bad news is that she's not gonna remember the exchange, meaning there's a song, by, the Doobie Brothers Uh-huh. Called what a fool believes. Alright. And The fool Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Get really on the mic. Exactly what it sounded like. That's right. That's right. If you get the lyrics to that song got the song. And that's exactly it. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. The white man has to talk as a white supremacist son. You wouldn't know it because he mumbles. It's an interesting song, and if you break it down, it's basically just about it. It's about a guy who thinks he had a relationship with a chick Uh-huh. But she doesn't remember who he is. Alright. If you really just break it down. Is it because he didn't enunciate? Their lyrics are right over there. Yeah. Kenny Lawton's cowriter. Yeah. He really Yeah. Yeah. Between me. You're good. Now see, now this is where it gets cruel. She had a place had a place on the fire. No. No. Go up. Oh, really? From there. No. She she Yeah. Oh, yeah. There it is. Oh, that's right. Right. Now here's where it gets said. That's the same. That was everyone else who worked at KLSX. You're watching her echo. Sad. Mhmm. What a fool be Yeah. You say. Now where's your white supremacist friend? Man. Oh, it's the wise man. It's not the white man. I'm sorry. The wise man. Power. Same difference. Yeah. To reason away. That's right. Alright. Yeah. You get the It's a hit. It's kind of an interesting song. That was magical. And a little sad as well. I had no idea. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. You really got a McDonald. We gotta get that. Can get Mike McDonald on the show. We you can get Mike McDonald on the show? I think with a couple of phone calls. Alright. We gotta get Dagne near Saint Paul. Someone who knows him? Yeah. Well, yeah, that would be the first phone call. That would be the very first one that would have to be made. It can't be random phone call. No. It's really possible. The guy when I when I went on tour with Alan Parsons in South America, the guy who was our stage manager I mean, the guy who was the production manager Mhmm. Is, Michael McDonald's front of house guy. And that has to do with avocados. Why? Because guacamole is good. Yes. Alright. So we will, can we hear that? Do you have that song, Bryce, somewhere? Yeah. That is great. It's, it's a little underrated. It it gets, it gets lost. People think I'm a little too much about China growth. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know what? It's it's got a little it's got the bongo in it from the, if you like pina colada. It's got a little like Rupert Holmes in it, I think, the prom. Holmes. Yeah. Did anyone ever know what this song is about? White power. Yeah. It's like monsters of Your mind just kinda writes stuff off or you kind of it's like, it's a little little popcorn ditty, but it's got some truth to it. It's kinda interesting, and it's got some depth to it. Now you gotta join in here. Here we go. Crank it up. You gotta use the mic. There you go. Is it better? Alright. Just watch it. Alright. Good to know him. Also, if you ever listen to some steely Dan stuff, Michael does some pretty stellar work in the background. That'll be it. When we get in, we'll talk nothing but steely dance. Oh, right like the wind too. He appears he makes a cameo. Kind of a Hitchc**kian kinda cameo. He makes a song any song that has a bongo or tango in it. Right. That song, he's immediately attracted to. Do you have a little like the wind? Someone could play a bongo somewhere, and he shoots up his bed song. Ride like the wind? Sorry. No. We'll find that one somewhere. Gotta have it. Sorry. I There's there's you listen to the Congo, bongo, whatever. Congo Unchained, we call it. We'll find it. You can really find I do not. Bongo music. Have that. What the hell is going on in this country, bald Brian? Grantley Phillips, by the way, the music, Walking in the Green Corn available again on Amazon as we speak. Let's see. Just to hear that beginning just to hear that beginning drum thing. Just that hand slap in the skins. But if we don't have it, Mike, you know, he's gonna find it. Mike will have it somewhere. Mike has an iPad with 80,000 songs on it or something. Let's see. And, Yeah. Michael McDonald does some pretty stellar backup on that. Mhmm. Mhmm. Steely Dan, Run Like Boy? No. Not Steely Dan. Chris Rock. Right? Oh, sorry. I screwed you up with that. Here the. Like, sending it with a little. Yeah. I grant you knock yourself out. I gotta say, make fun of the song all you like if it comes on the radio. I ain't changing it, and it may sit in my car. Back when guys used to write songs about being on the run, on the road. Gotta hurry. Gotta get to the next town. Criss cross. Make love to my next lady. Oh, here Michael. Just don't know where to go. By the way, you don't have to say border Mexico. We know where you're going. You're not going to Canada for Christ's sake. He's an that Christopher Cross was an outlaw. You should see him. A friend over his face. Yep. Here comes Michael. Alright. Alright. He's got that bongo they like. That that must have been his decision making process. Like, is that a cool kind of conga beat? I'm in. Yeah. Alright. Grant, Lee, Phillips, everybody. Keep it up as we go out. What the hell? Thank you so much for, coming in. Always a good time. And, of course, Allison Rosen and Paul Brian and Dawson for being a good sport. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla saying, I like it when my boyfriend defecates on me. Boyfriend defecates on me. Alright. This is Adam McCullough show 10/22. Coming up next, we have Adam McCullough show 27/20 featuring Gina Grad, Brian Bishop. Sold for December of 2019, 13th annual Ace Awards, Gina's 5th year. Hope you guys enjoy. Oh. Oh. O'Reilly Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service, and parts, and knowledge that you're gonna need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I've, used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescenta renting a house, keeping that, Isuzu Trooper on the road, And they got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in their store or online. So you have, well, you don't have to worry if you're in a jam. You can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice because sometimes it's tough to get those babies out of the car. Need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed, or a quick service, well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop as well and get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're gonna find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly. O'Reilly Auto Parts. One stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car, in store, online. You can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today, or visit us online, o'Reilly auto.com/adam. That's OReilly Auto.com/adam. From the historic Carolla 1 Studios in Glendale. From the From the historic Carolla 1 Studios in Glendale, it's the 2019 Ace Awards celebrating the best of the Adam Carolla show this year with seat slash bra filler, Gina Grad, and Oscar statue model, Bob Bryan. And now your host for tonight's ceremony, Adam Carolla. Well, here we are again, everybody. Since this, is the last time we'll, talk before, we go on our little extended break, if you'd like to, go ahead and, preorder the new book, I'm Your Emotional Support Animal. Navigator All Woke and No Joke Culture, it is now, ready for, pre order. I guess you can get it Amazon or or else. Barnes and Noble Amazon links are on adamCarolla.com. So pre order now. You realize that Phil steals the cover. Phil is the star of the show. He's so fat. He's just sitting on top of me. It was like 2 guys had to lift him up and dump him on me, and then I run out to, like, hold treats to get him to look. But, we'll put it up. I think the cover will be up there, so if you guys wanna do that. Couple tickets left in Chicago coming up, Milwaukee coming up in, January, and, Uppity finally ready and shipping at chassis, c h a s s y, dot com as well as, Shelby American and the posters and, 24 hour war and all the other good stuff. So go there and get that holiday gift. Alright. Shall And before we do that, guys, cheers. Cheers. We got a nice little glass of champagne. I love you guys. Thanks for a great year. Bottoms up. Cheers. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Alright. Drink a little champagne, and we'll go right into the first category. Best impressions. The nominees for best impression are Kyle Dunnigan as Matt Fondolier. What's going on with the DMV? I you're on hold for, like, 3 hours. Yeah. I don't I don't know, man. I don't know. What? It's on the phone. There I was on hold. Well, can't you go online and make me an appointment? Yeah, man. I'll I'll I'll I'll look into it, man. Yeah. Well, but I asked you to look into it 2 days ago. Yeah. Yeah. A couple days. I'll get to it. Yeah. No. No. We'll get to the, DMV in a couple days, man. I said 2 days ago. Yeah. No. Not 2 days from now. You got it, boss? Sure. 2 days from now, we'll, have you, down the DMV. Oh my god. Alright, Matt. Let's have a let's have an organic conversation. Sure. Sure. Do you think I could get an appointment at the DMV, which is in Seaside. Pebble Beach or Seaside, 8 miles away from Laguna Seca, the track? That's correct. And it's actually perfectly located halfway between where you'll be staying and where the track is. You have the place on Wednesday. I can get you a DMV appointment on Thursday. So it's halfway between the track and where you gotta be. And by Wednesday, June 19th, we'll have you there. Zip zap zap. T shirt. You got it, boss. Adam Carolla as Jay Leno. I got a clip of Jay Leno during, when he was, deposed. Oh, you do? Yeah. Oh. Well, let's hear it. a**l sex. Oh my god. It's heroin. Reach around those. Oh my gosh. Dusenberger. Reach around in a second. In the Dusenberger? Yeah. Right. And his his his deposition only last that 7 minutes because he was in wrap it up. Right? That's what I'm saying. I'm in a battle that parking Can the court reporter read that and drink it? Alright. There we go. Hey. We'll be back. And everything. Thanks for joining us. Hey, it's a good back scene, Bernard over there. You're nervous. That was alright. Here we go. Wow. There it is. Gina Grad as Robin Quivers. The thing that I always remember about doctor Drew and his narcissism book is the person that scored the highest was Robin Quivers, and she was s**t ripped pissed at Drew. Like, how dare you? How dare you? And it's like, this is There you go. This is what this is why you peg the narcissist's, meter. I am not a narcissist. I am the purse I am the the most important I'm the bowels of the show. I keep the show running. Robin Robin, we don't we're not here. Doctor Drew, I'm sorry. This is not your show. This is Howard's show, and I think that Howard would agree that I am not a narcissist. What? I think you're the narcissist, doctor Drew. It's simply a test. It's simply a it's a it's a yard Robinson, it's a yardstick. We just measure everyone equally with the same yardstick. There's anything equal about this. I think I was given a different test than everybody else. I'd like a fresh test. I'd like to do this again because you know what? At the end of the day, I feel persecuted. You're not a bad person where I'm not we're not saying you're bad person. Of being a bad person. I will not put up with this. Let's go to break. Let's go to break. Today, we Hey, Robin. I just I'd love to stop to read. Hold I'm a jamma gram, maybe. I'll I just I hope you and I are good. That that's all. I just I'm good. But apparently, I'm always good because I'm a narcissist. No. No. I I consider us friends, and I just hope this isn't gonna affect that off the edge. Well, we'll see, doctor Drew. We'll see on your next appearance if you ever have one. Insane. Wow. So what? Dead. That was so good. Thank you. Thank you. Adam Ray as doctor Phil. Even doctor Phil knows to be like, where did you where did he touch you? Where did he touch you? Where did he touch you? Like, even he knows. That's right. Yeah. Three takes. Give 3. Yeah. You give 3 takes. Do we do we get it? Okay. One more? Okay. Where did he touch you? Let's just kinda string it together. Not such a big pause in between where did he and touch you. We'll just kinda put them together. Right. Hold on. Doctor Oh, sure. Fell. Yeah. Can I call you fell? Of course. Alright. Doctor, we do wanna get these clean. Great. Where did he where did he put it? Where did he So Phil? That's too specific problems. There's put it. Yeah. Yeah. In the script, we have where did he touch you? Great. Well, you know, and but sometimes my conversations get loose and I improv a little. People don't know I trained at the ground level. I understood, but now it's not that time and I'm not sure. Mindy Sterling. Well well, not with that attitude. Where did he touch you? Oh, that's good. There it is. That's a one. I thought that was good. Let's get 3 clean. Can I get a smoothie? I may have stepped on that one. Or did he touch you? Where did he touch you? Where did he we'll be right back. And Brian Whitman as Jay Leno. I know you do Jay Leno. Yeah. But, of course, come up on there tonight, Sean. We we had an incident with Jay Leno, the other day where Food related. I was gonna bring him some Chick Fil A, and, we came up a little short. The worst moment I've had in recent history is when I was eating my Chick Fil A burger. Jay had anointed himself, the guy. He was Santa Claus. He was going through the sack and handing it out to everybody. And at a certain point, he realized there were no more burgers and and no more Chick Fil A sandwiches and none for him. And Yeah. Of course, I'm here for you. Hold the Mario. I see you. There you go. It's spicy. I don't know how spicy it is. And I'll just sit here and I guess I have my own sandwich. Nice drumming. Uh-huh. Is something wrong here? And my Oh, there's hardly been a miscommunication. That's my, sandwich. I haven't been in a sandwich. Oh, AJ. You didn't get a sandwich? No. No. Chick fil A, one like for the mayo or Jeez. I've and there must be some sort of confusion or mistake here. I definitely ordered you. We have one for you and your crew too. No. No. Question. I paid the, power bill. Is screening going okay over there? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. We should definitely watch your screening. I mean, I don't I don't want this to affect that at all. No. Don't worry about not bringing me food. I know they all I know it's things are kinda tough, the whole Gabrielle Union thing and then now no Chick Fil A and then Of course. The bag of Doritos. Wouldn't have been so bad. Light and diamonds. Wow. The only one I can really eliminate is myself. So I Two ling letters. Really don't know. Dawson, you have a winner? The winner is Adam Ray. Oh, well deserved. That was fun. Yeah. Because his impression was funny, and he was super fun. Yeah. It's a combo. Combo. Yeah. It was a combo of him taking that great stand up sense of humor and then layering it on doctor Phil. Alright. So you'll call him out, Dawson. We're moving on to, rant of the year or one of the first installments for rant of the year. Here we go. Our first nominee for rant of the year, tipping and waiters. The bill was $701. Mhmm. And I said, good. 20%. I'll give him 840. So at 701, I round down to $700 because I'm Ebenezer Scrooge, and I go, I'll give him a buck 40 on this. And Daniel starts going, nah. Come on. Come on. Just give him $200. Just give him $200. And I think is couple things. First off, we've been here a grand total of 70 minutes. Like, this guy doesn't need to get Mark Geragos hourly billable numbers. Number 2, this is not the only table this individual has serviced in the hour and 10 minutes we've been here. He's working on 4 or 5 other tables. I imagine he's getting a tip from them. He doesn't need to average $200 an hour. He can average $80 an hour and be just fine and 4thly, 5thly and 6thly. Listen to me waiters. Waiters who are not students struggling, trying to get their way through high school, whatever it is. 42 year old waiter guy, you have tapped out of life. You have decided to not possess a skill. You've decided not to get any real training. You don't read architectural plans. Architectural plans. You're not a certified CPA. You cannot, you're not a holistic healer. You're not a massage therapist. You don't have your f**king license to drive an 18 wheeler. You have f**king nothing. You've tapped out. You've f**king nothing. You've tapped out. You've tapped out. People do this thing all the time. Oh, these guys are hardworking. They're noble. No. They're not. They're the biggest f**king losers you ever went to high school with, and they f**king tapped out. Fine. Why does loser guy who has no training except for to bring dishes back and forth are something you could get a f**king monkey coach up to do in 4 working days if they just shadowed one of these guys? Why does that guy need to average a $120 an hour? f**k it. I'm not on board with that. That guy's tapped out. Well, seriously, like, I got Sean at the other shop. He gets $60 an hour. He's a world class fabricator. Like, he's shaping metal and welding and heliarc and digging and migging and all that. Why does the f**king guy have to average more than him for the 0 skill? And 20% was a fair was a very fair tip. I know. Daniel's just one of those guys. You you know those people I know. I promise I wouldn't do this, but you know those people where they act like something is you're back to 0? Like, they're kinda the people that go, you know, they go like you buy something at $700, and then they go, what's another $50? And it's like, for just $50. It's like, it's not just $50. It's 700, and now we're talking about 50. Like, I gave the guy 20%. And, like, Daniel was like, well, what's wrong with the little whatever? And it's like, we could do that, but we don't have to do that. And if it's your money, have at it, Dan. Yeah. You you chip in. But he is going to make what an attorney makes walking around this restaurant, Maui, bringing people plates of food. That'd be nice. He's fine with me. Alright. The bonus rants we got during this episode are the best. Yes. The best reenactments is, our, our next one. I love a reenactment. The nominees for best reenactment are Adam and Dawson for Cosby recording session. So I was thinking it'd be funny if there was, like, some, original recordings of this. Dawson, you wanna play the engineer in the, recording session? Yeah. I'll be Bill Cosby. We're gonna record a theme song to the Bill Cosby Show. Alright. Bill, take 1. You comfortable in that mic there? How's my levels? Great. Okay. Sorry. I don't sound like me. Alright. Here we go. Take it away. Ruffie. Ruffie. Quaalude. Dropping pennies. Hey, Bill. Fall asleep, girl. Phil, can we cut cut for a minute? Yeah. I I thought I heard you say quaalude and Rufe. First of all, I don't know what Rufe is. I'm scat. Okay. Alright. Alright. Let's I'm just scatting. Alright. Alright. I don't know. Here's my thing. It's a stream of consciousness. I don't know what's coming out of my mind next. You know what I'm saying? You're the boss. I'm just scatting. Okay. Scat away. The groove. Alright. Take 2, buddy. Here we go. Drop the pants, girl. Finish the drink now. Chew then panties off. Roofing. Kick a roof. Quaalude. I yeah. Hey, Bill. Yeah. I'm hearing I'm hearing Quaalude an awful lot in there. Adam and Brian for checked out Drew. Hey, Drew. Yeah. Drew, what the hell is going on with these politicians? I ask you. Right. Yeah. I mean, I mean, it's it's it's insane. It's insane. Everybody with their policies, their policies. What what's going on with these policies? Crazy. I mean, you think okay. Joe Biden is against gay marriage in 2,011. Now he's for gay marriage? You you think that Joe Biden is 4? He's actually 4? He's evolved on the issue over the last 7 years? Yeah. Yeah. But thank you. Because I feel like I'm out here on a f**king island just just paddling in a circle. I'm it's like I'm into an empty mailbox or something. Right? Right. Yes. Yes. g*****n it, Drew. Thank you for having my back. I just I appreciate it. I you know, I feel like I I just talk and talk and talk and it just lands on deaf ears. Right. Right. Yeah. Okay. You know what? Oh, man. It's good to have a team. You know what I mean? Like, I I I I feel like I just feel so vulnerable sometimes. And and and the fact that you're you got my back. You know, you got in in the military, you got my 6. You know what I mean? That's my that's that's midnight, you know, 12 straight ahead, my 6. You got my back, bro, sir. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. That felt good. Hey. Good talk. Good good talk. Sometimes I do. I'm sorry. What? Not always a good talk or I felt like this was a good hold on, Drew. You didn't think this I felt like this was a good talk, man. And I sorry. I just needed a purge, man. And I needed I I you know what? You're more than a partner, you're a friend. You know? And Adam and Brian for sex robot 911 call. They said hackers can hack into a robot or, and have full control over arms, legs, other attachments, and in some case, knives or wielding devices. And often these robots can be upwards of £200 and very strong. Once a robot is hacked, the hacker has full control. The last thing you want is for a hacker to have control over one of these robots. Can I say this too? It's it's gonna be weird. You know, I said before, like, Demi Moore had, like, a situation with some overdosing or, like, some pharmaceuticals or something. And her assistant was, like, calling in and going she's and and and the the 911 operator's going, what did she take? What did she take? She's like, because I don't want this on TMZ Right. Tomorrow. There's gonna be a part where I'm hiding in my closet, and my sex robot is hunting me down and is using using the strap on battering ram, Daryl Gates style penis, just mashing it through the door. And I'm gonna be like, 9 No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Yeah. But just send somebody over. Is there who okay. Is there one attacker or or multiple attackers? It's one. But just send somebody now. Sending someone now. Do they have a weapon? Great channel locks. Do they have a weapon? Well, you know what Pat Benatar says she not to use sex as a weapon? This is kinda what it's doing. I'm confused. And they're still in some sort of stabbing device. Okay. Hold on. Let me just they didn't break into the house. They were already in the house. Is this a domestic situation? I live alone. But they're already in the house? But the Nick's coming through the door. It's just that's our time to bring channel locks and and and own jumper cables. Is this person's name Dick? No. Just bring jumper cables. Okay. Bring jumper cables. I'll think about triple a. Yeah. I'll tell you what's not happening. Not being hunted by a sex robot. Hold on. Wow. Funny. Forget about all those things. That at all. God, what what reenactment did oh, somebody tweeted me that they wanted the, I don't know if I guess they didn't make it, but, they they liked the 10 cc Oh, yeah. Was it band name? GS Eagles like that. Yeah. They had to put Jizz in front of every band name or something. That was, I do remember those being funny. Did you use Eagles? I like the guys, like, what about the Eagles? Oh, okay. Yeah. We could do the Jizz Eagles. I don't know. God, it's so funny because you just talk so much and, it all gets captured and then we relive it. Dawson, who wins? Let's see if we can get an acceptance speech here. The winner is checked out doctor Drew. Oh, I'd love to hear a few words from doctor Drew. Drew, I know this is an honor. I know you've had many prestigious awards over the years, but, obviously, this is the biggest. Right. Yeah. Okay. So we have a capacity crowd here. They're all sorta sitting on the edge of the seat, and I wanna know, really, what's it feel like to win an award this I mean, what's it what what what's running through you right now emotionally? Crazy. No. Yeah. It's crazy. Alright. So, obviously, you're over the moon. You're gonna be out celebrating tonight. Let's, let's not have you end up in celebrity rehab with all the partying and celebrating after tonight. Right, Dre? Right. Right. Alright. Well, thank you very much. That's very hard. Passionate. Who had struck a chord with everyone? Because clearly he was checked out. That's He was up to doing something else. Right. Song of the song of the year number 1. We have we have multiple songs. Right? Alright. So this is the first, entry. Our first nominee for song of the year for 10 years. Get it off. Get it off. Get it off the air. Whoo, doggy. Well, this is our, last show. I still remember the day I thought you'd go end of the morning show. We're gonna cry, we're gonna laugh, he's gonna vomit. You swore you'd start another talk show soon. You put it out on iTunes. Can't imagine Blob, blob, blob. Talk, talk, talk. For 10 years, you b***hed about LA Whitey with a checkbook. Come on down for your raping. We can't feed that boy sticky rice. I wake up every morning, and I say a cheer for myself. There is no god. I'm god. Talking up a storm. You swear You must stop f**king up. About the like he's on the show. Will fire your a*s. And f**king up the guest by I own all of you. But for years, you paid them all instead of showing them the door. I own the f**king building. 10 years. s**t on your mom and dad. My room was a porn. Their parenting was bad. Your childhood was so sad. You're not a Jew for 10 years. Complained about the name. Take out that she gets and racking up your dick. I'm drinking woman. On ACS for 10 years. Everyone under 40 is an a*****e. For 10 years, you whined about your kids. Those spoiled little s**ts. You'll f**k difficult, quit so more. You're screwed. Part 10 years Daddy's drunk. You've hated bean pop. And I tell you what's the top to stop. Do we all have to talk about diversity, or can we just talk about f**king traffic? Hey, taxpayers. Unite. Nobody. Safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. Human beings, hear me roar. Go eat a 10 gallon dick. Miama or something, you know. Years. You podcast every day. You have so much to say. If I had my way, you'll get it on 10 more years. I'll do it for free and would do it for free, and we'll start doing it for free on Monday when I begin podcasting. Wow. Dick Banks, everybody. Hard to beat. You make fun of, Kenny Rogers, but I love that song. Song sweet. It's a great, great, song when you have kids, sit down and listen to it with with them. Alright. Best Invention coming up. I have so much to say in between everything, but I'm stifling myself because we got a big party to attend, and we have so much show planned. Oh, there's already people eating barbecue all that. It's alright. We're here for 10 years because you talk. Oh, Dawson. Shut the f**k up, Dawson. Burn in daylight, Dawson. I like that. Alright. I'll I'll make notes for, the first show. But I I will say that, last night, I was over at the whatever party house with, like, John Stewart and Jimmy and everyone for the live, Jeffersons. Oh, not the Jeffersons, sir. All the family and I think Good Times and Was it Good Times? Yeah. I think it was Good Times. Okay. And and all the people were there and all the a listers were there and had a good old time, although I had to wake up at 6:45 and drive Natalia to school this morning. And then, as I was dropping her off with a throbbing headache, because I've drank time last night, I got the call. I forgot my water. Oh, no. Turn around. Go back. Alright. I'll, get in all that in the, New Year. The next, category is, best invention. The nominees for best invention are welcome mat scale. Well, if someone would invent my welcome mat scale Oh, god. We could avoid the embarrassing confrontation. Of course. Yeah. It disables the ring doorbell as soon as it says Every once in a while, there's a little confusion because you're, like, saying to your wife, how come my bowling ball hasn't arrived? I ordered it months ago, and it's like, oh. I'm sorry. The guy must've been holding it. Right. Well, she was Your wife says I'm holding holding groceries. I've been ringing the doorbell for hours. Yeah. Sorry. You gotta set it down on the stoop. Right. You know, come on. So you drunk. There should be, a cable channel called So You're Drunk. And you then punch in your age the man show again. So you're drunk. Because it wouldn't be the same thing if you were 26 as it is with my age, 54. Right? Yep. But I got home. I was drunk, and I turned on the TV at, like, 12:45. And it was the scene for the Titanic where, sorry. Not the Titanic. The side adventure where Gene Hackman is hanging on the valve. He's wearing his priest's car. He's like, have you had enough lives yet, Lord? Have you taken enough? Have you had and I was buzzed. I was like, this is the greatest thing ever. There should be a channel called I'm Buzzed. That's a wonderful movie, by the way. We put in That's what it is. We put in your age, where what region you were born in Just the quarter? Handful of likes. You like sports. You like action. Whatever it is. And it start the programming is from midnight to 4 AM on Friday Saturday. That's it. And we just show and we just go to parts of movies that you sort of remember liking when you're 14. That's great. Google You Write. I got a good app, which is just called the Google You Write. And we've all experienced a heartache. Like, I I got in an argument with a guy once. Like, we've all we all just get into stupid arguments. Right? We have stupid arguments, and now the bet gets settled. We've all been in that position where it's like, g*****n it, I knew I was right about something. And this is it'll disagree with you. And you it's an app you put on your phone, Gina. You can have a dead ringer. It'll come out. It'll it'll word it exactly right. You can have that satisfaction. You can even show it to people you're arguing with. But if they're they're gonna start asking, is that from Google you write or regular regular Google? But it'll feel good. Double doorbell. Two things. I don't know if this has been invented, but can we invent it? And we need this invention now that we're in the era of I was in my, essentially, what is my basement yesterday, and of course, I heard the doorbell. And, which is the front door is not very close to where I am, which is a first world problem, and the doorbell rings. And I have this fleeting thought. And I thought we now need 2 doorbells. We now like the toilets that have the number 1 and the number 2 button on the top there. We now need a doorbell that just has a drop off courtesy, and I am waiting here. Oh. I wanna know the difference. Yeah. It's good. I just have a doorbell. Like, I think I would have a standard slightly oversized button, like, the size of a quarter Mhmm. That was in the middle was a doorbell, and underneath it, I'd have a doorbell that was more the size of a button, and it just said Delivery. Drop off. Like a button. Just thinking. You just push that bottom one. Okay. And we all know. That's good. Alright. Like those like those toilets with a double button? Yeah. Yeah. Where you been? Yeah. I just said that. Oh, sorry. That's good. No. It's a good thought. The 2 drop, 1 drop. Remember, when you have a good thought Yeah. It's my thought. I'm just hammering the idiot. And gyno dogs. There used to be a place by the Van Nuys courthouse. There was a small shack. It was a hot dog stand. It was called Law Dogs. It's good. And you would go there. So that's interesting. Hot dogs, and they would also give legal advice. You got a Law Dog clip? Law dogs. Yeah. Lineup at law dogs to get a healthy serving of health. The dogs cost about a dollar 50. The advice is free. Oh. Wow. Hold on. Oh, write write this down, by the way. I'm looking to expand all gyno dogs. I'm looking to expand my business a little bit. Again, probably limit it to 6, 8 days a week. You know, let's not But line up as long as you want. Line it up, ladies. See how this goes. How is this not a Netflix show? Obviously, we keep the dogs away from the syrup. The speculum. That's some kinda weirdo. Right. You don't use the speculum to get the hot dogs out of the water. Have a pony wall in between where the hot dogs are kept. It's not a full height, but it's a pony wall in between and the stirrups. And do you just wrap the patient in butcher paper instead of the the paper gown? No. We just it's, it's, again, I'm not a weirdo. We do it like it's a regular gynecologist's office, except I have no training. Just like the red hook. Except I have no training. Alright. Who could it be? Wow. Best invention, Dawson. The winner is the new cable TV channel, So You're Drunk. That's fair. I would watch that. Oh, come on. They could show clips from, like, bad eighties titties movies and and things like that. It's all porkies and face off? Again, depends how old you are. Sure. Could be dirty rotten scoundrels. You know? Like, it is for a certain generation. Right. It it it it's it's the, it's the Goonies Mason Dixon line. To me and doctor Drew, Goonies means nothing. If you're 41, it means everything. But to me and Brian, it means everything. Right, Brian? Exactly. I can't get enough of Goonies. I was fortunate enough to see it later in life, and I was like, what the f**k is this s**t? Right. But if you saw it at 14 in the theater, you're f**king in and you come home at 41 buzzed. You're in. Best of luck. Weekends too. Like, tonight from midnight to 4, we're only playing Super Troopers. Oh, and if they did if they showed shows like Battle the Network Stars, like, from the seventies, my f**king head would explode if I was drunk and it was 145 in the morning. Alright. Second rant of the year. Our second nominee for rant of the year, mayor Garcetti commencement speech. But to the graduates, I say, you belong to USC, but USC now belongs to you. You belong to Los Angeles, but Los Angeles belongs to you. You belong to this world, but this world also belongs to you. That's when this campus has been at its best. That is when we as human beings are at its best. My wish is that you never feel that you don't belong, and that you in turn never let anyone else feel that either. What the f**k is he talking about? You belong, Yemoja. Come on, pat f**king Benatar. Don't you get the traffic going, dude. Wow. That's good. These I I am so I know I'm a heartless robot from the the bowels of hell. I don't know what people are f**king talking about. I just don't know what they're talking about. Like, when you belong and I belong Yeah. We then we belong Sure. And we're at our best Mhmm. When we all belong. So reach out. That's so true. Reach out to those who don't belong. Lend a hand to those who don't have a hand, who don't who do wanna belong but can't belong. Find those in your community who don't belong and ask them to join you in belonging. Because together by the way, I just I don't f**king listen to anyone who says but because together Yeah. Together we belong To the night. We belong to the night. So together we're stronger. Completed, Brian. Together we belong. And if together we set our hearts and our minds' hearts and our belonging minds' hearts and our minds belong to our hearts and our hearts belong to our minds, and you belong to the campus of Cal State Northridge and Cal State Northridge belongs to you, and we belong to Northridge, and Northridge belongs to the San Fernando Valley, and then the San Fernando Valley belongs to Los Angeles Incorporated in parts of Santa Monica. If we feel we all belong together, then we're all stronger when we belonger. Douche, I don't know what you're saying. Get the f**king traffic in the homeless fix. Would you please? He's such a pussy. He's a little too early. Is that the f**king guy you want running your city? I don't even know what he's saying. I'm sure guy you want running your city? I don't even know what he's saying. I'm sure somebody who makes scented candles wrote that for him and went here just read this s**t. It's a f**king platitude that means nothing. Yeah. You should be telling these people to get the f**k to work. It's all the graduation card. Jesus. I I am I am honestly confused by most conversations I hear from adults now, especially when they take the podium. I don't I don't know, like, all the feelings based stuff. Mhmm. I don't know what I'm supposed there for me, I I want some marching orders. Like, I want someone to go do 10 push ups a day and then see if you can get it to 15 the next week. But this sort of just good vibe, platitude thing, I don't know what it is. Yeah. But I'm like And I don't know why people respond to it. Well, unlike everybody else, you call it out instead of being like, uh-huh. No. I totally get it because you don't wanna be the person that doesn't get it even though it's insane. The when you hear, like, Alyssa Milano going, I fight for everybody, it's like, that doesn't mean anything to me. Then then who are you fighting against? And who's who what what's going on? What do you mean? And you're sending out tweets. I it's it's crazy. Yeah. But it's sort of like I don't know. It's like a a really s**tty, Hall and Oates song. Like, I I don't have no idea that this many people would respond positively to nothing. It's nothing. And you're right. What is there to respond to? Alright. We'll take a Oh, yeah. Quick break. We have caller of the year, interview of the year, and more right after this. And now Alcoa presents, definitely not a Jew, the last word of 2019. A frozen pork chop, a paint roller, beef stew, a catfish, a kayak, a stream sweeper, Sophie's coin laundromat, summer sausage, Easter ham, Hoss Avocados, Hot Pockets, a propane tank, his disability paperwork, lunchables, a t shirt cannon, a dirt bike, a flea market, a machete, the bible, for your continued sponsorship. And stay tuned for more in 2020. Definitely not a Jew. Dawson knocking it out of the ballpark. Oh, god. So is Brian's favorite I f**king love that compilation. His disability paperwork. So good. Alright. Let's see. Oh, get a little, wine for the holidays. My, ride on red pinot noir. Grapes grown in Oregon, better than anything you could get at a grocery store. And right now, you can go to right on red.com, use the promo code Adam, get free shipping. How about that? Say hi to Lynette over there, Carolla Drinks. Get some good wine for the house this holiday season right on red. Alright. Moving into our second song of the year. This and, again, this is a treat for us because I I have give me $1,000,000 in 1,000,000 hours, and I have no recollection of what this next song would be. So here we go, Dawson. Our second nominee for song of the year, f**k you, rich banks. Like band aid, the concert for Bangladesh, and we are the world. On one special day, after a taping of the Adam Carolla show, the employees gathered to sing a message of hope, love, and an expression of pain for victims of harassment. Chris, Gary, Dylan, Matt, Brian, Caelin, Gina, and me. This one's for us and by us. There is a guy who likes to write some songs. He's the guy whose name is Rich Banks. The songs are insulting, oh, to every one of us. And now, Rich, we have a song for you. We won't stand by listening to you say that I'm dumb, incompetent, and gay. I don't like songs about my great big memories. And my dumps, the size of manatees. f**k, rich Chichu. Mu. They don't like you either. Oh, f**k you. Respect. It's Dan to lose 1520, if you don't mind me saying, you slob. This is what you do for a living? Make mean songs about other people? Have some dignity already. You have a child for Christ's sakes. Strong entry. Yeah. Strong, sis. Look down. Shaq. Alright. Let's In fact, never play this again. We have, our 3rd entry in, rant of the year. Next. Our 3rd nominee for rant of the year, Berkeley gender neutral language. So Berkeley voted to ban some gender specific words in its city code and replace them with gender neutral options. And now there is a giant list of words that will no longer be used in, you know, government documents. So in the maintenance world, in the construction world, manhole is out, maintenance hole is in. Mhmm. Man made out, human made in. Man power out, human effort in. Oh, Jesus. My favorite, pregnant woman out, pregnant employee in. So what you get out of Berkeley is dudes thinking like chicks, and that's where the city's gonna go off the f**king rails. That's how it works. Guys think in a way that's a little more pragmatic, gets the bridges built, gets the skyscrapers built. Women do other things, have other skills. It's a different skill set. We are different. That is good. That's what you want. We are trying to somehow blur that. Blurring it doesn't help. It doesn't work, and that's why this thing's turning into a s**t show. All the guys are scared to say anything because they're f**king coward pussies, and they're just going the chick route. Everyone thinks that's everything that's chick think is an evolution. That's all an evolution. All dude think, that's us looking in the rearview and going the other direction. That's f**king r****ded. I'm not down with it. I've never been f**king down with it. This is not evolution. This is f**king r****dation. It's all done by the same group of f**king pussies. It's a group of guys who can't fight. They can't f**k. They can't win. They couldn't play a f**king sport. So they have decided that this is where we should be going. There is no end. There is no end. These asswipes, these pussies, what's this pussy's name? Riggle Robinson. What? Riggle? Get out of here. He's a muppet? He's 23. Yeah. And he grew up in the f**king belly of the bees. He's a pussy, and this is not this is just the beginning of his list of things to do. He's gonna keep going, and he won't f**king rest until he tells you what to do every f**king turn of the way. He's gonna correct you. He's gonna fix you. And eventually, by the way, his suggestions are gonna become mandates and then laws and then people are gonna start getting s**t canned. Just had a chick in England, lose her gig because of some sort of, I don't know, gender, sex, whatever. And she got fired, and then, they sort of I don't know. JK Rawlings or something sort of backed her up. Now she's f**king getting raked over the calls. Like, this doesn't end in we'll agree to disagree. It ends in you're going to the f**king cornfield without a job. That's how it ends. It doesn't end with, well, you have your opinion. I have my opinion. No. No. It ends with I'm in control, and you're out of a f**king job. You're on the wrong side. That's how this ends, which is interesting because it's the f**king hypocrite a*****es that never stop talking about McCarthy who now want to do this. Sorry. Is this rant 4? I'm sorry, but it really is. Like, it really so so if someone disagrees with this f**king notion you came up with 10 minutes ago and now we're we're not allowed to work anymore, 23 year old f**k bag. Okay. That's how you wanna you you he who hates McCarthyism, this is your plan. Very interesting. I I love I love that that's the pitch. We we all we do is f**king rail against McCarthyism and now this. Okay. Seems inconsistent Mhmm. To me. Alright. To the least. And, also, what the f**k do you know when you're under 25? Like, what did you guys really know under the age of 25 other than, like, what your favorite burrito was at Del Taco? Unless you know, it's usually wrong. Conspiracy theory. Is this a way for college students to clear the way so there are more jobs when they get out of school? Smart. I hope so. I hope so. Alright. Interview of the year. Oh, boy. No idea. Here we go. The nominees for interview of the year are Ted Nugent. I've had, you know, I had a couple beers. I'm 71 this year, and I had a beer in 59. My band, the Royal High Boys in Detroit, played a fraternity party at the University of Detroit. It was a pool party, and somebody had some Paps Blue Ribbons, and everybody else is drinking. And I was thirsty, and my my dad had caught me to shove that bottle so far up my a*s. But I had a couple of paps, blue ribbons, and got a little tipsy, but I haven't well, I had one other in 74 when I was grouse hunting, and I was really thirsty. And I went to my buddy's ranch in Northern Michigan, and it was hot. And he had a a beer that had was yellow. Miller Miller highlight made it? Highlight. Something like that. Corona. Corona. On the green. And I and it was cold. And I gotta tell you, it was delicious. And I've always said my my brothers, my sister, my band, my crew, all my friends, we have campfires now, drink beers, and I have a little wine. No problem. I just don't I just think drooling and puking and stumbling is not a part of it. Living it. I mean, in the late sixties and in the mid sixties and late sixties when everyone was just a g*****n mess with the drugs out and out trying to perform, were you thinking to yourself, I don't wanna go out on stage that way? Well, it I I can transfer you to the question I posed eternally since the sixties. Well, Ted, you know, you're right there on the epicenter of the drugs and alcohol in the world of rock and roll, Amboy Dukes. How did you avoid the temptation to get high and stoned and all that? And I went, the same way I avoided the temptation to stab myself in the dick with an ice pick. It looked like a really stupid idea because everybody was drooling and stumbling and falling and dying and they forgot the songs and I couldn't wake them up to get to the gig. This is desirable wear. So my dad's ultra militant disciplining finally had a, an indicator in a pragmatic world that I was intent on safeguarding my music. So I just figured the only way to play James Brown and Wilson Pickett songs accurately was to be clean and sober and take good care of yourself. Plus, I hunt with a bow and arrow and if you're stoned, you're gonna end up buying chicken. And so I really wanted to the song's c**k, lock, and ready to rock. It's not just a phrase, it's really how I live my life. Dog, the bounty hunter. I didn't know that you were imprisoned yourself for, sentenced to 5 years. Yes, sir. In the seventies, Texas. What, can you tell us the story behind that? And that you became the warden's barber? Well, I was, a member of the Devil's Disciples Motorcycle Club out of Texas, Colorado, Arizona. It's nationwide. I was sergeant of arms at 17. Wow. So one night, we pulled up to do a drug deal, and one of my brothers went inside to buy it. And When you say brothers, do you mean Brothers at biker games. Yeah. Not biological brothers. No. Right. Okay. And as, they started talking, he pulled out a shotgun and said, just give me all of it. And the guy grabbed the gun, so it went off and hit him in the shoulder. So he came running outside and, said, you know, I've been he was we could hear the shot, he was bleeding, his name was Donnie, he was bleeding. And the shotgun, the bottom piece wasn't on, so when it went off it cut his hand. On the way to the hospital, he said I hit him in the shoulder, and I go, what hit who? And so I dropped, like, they dropped me off my house, I went back over to the house, saw the police bringing him out, he was alive. And in the morning, 6 AM, it said Duane dog Chapman, devil's side was being sought for the murder of Jerry Oliver in Tampa, Texas last night. My whole world changed. How long were you in prison? 18 months. 18 of a 5 year sentence. Mhmm. The warden, I became I elevated myself to warden's barber because that guy you didn't wanna beat up because he was a warden's barber and the guard's barber. And when girls had come to visit their husband, you had to be looking good at the warden. Right. So you didn't touch the warden's barber, so I noticed that. So I elevated myself to be that, and then I was inmate counselor because I had guys walk up say dog, how do you spell waz? And I said w e z, and they're like, thank you. And I'm like, what are you riding? Right. Let me help you. And then when their people died, some inmates mom or dad died, I was the one that had to go tell them, you know, you just anybody with the mother still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Willie. Right. I said, Warden, that's not the way to do it. Okay. Let me do it. Wow. And Brian Banks. What prison did you go there? Man, I jumped around. They I started off, at Kern County, which is Delano State Prison. From there, I went to CMC, which is in San Luis Obispo, which is a maximum security prison. Then, my points declass like, classified to a lower, security level and then paroled from CRC, which is in North Corona. How much time do you spend incarcerated angry or just going like, I I find that when people do things that are not nearly this egregious to me, I just go, why? What? What? Like, how could she do this? How could she be she's in a movie right now eating popcorn, and I'm in a block in a cell. Why? How? Like, how much of your time or did you get philosophical and get past it? Or, like, what did you do? Anger was who I you know, being an angry person is what I became, you know, for a long period of time while being incarcerated. Just knowing that the system had failed me, that my lawyer didn't really fight for me, that there was no evidence to prove that this this case even happened, but here I was in prison with a 6 year sentence. I was extremely angry. And then I I realized that all the that the anger that I had towards the people that I felt were responsible, they probably didn't care. More than likely didn't know how I felt, so this anger was simply for me. I was doing the job for the people that put me behind bars. I was destroying myself with this negative energy, and so I had to make a change. I had this epiphany one day, which is kinda shown in the in the movie, realizing that, you know, I may not be in control over the things that are happening in my life, but I am in control over me while going through these unwanted experiences. And so just every day that the fight and the struggle began, or or became to be in control of my emotions and not allow my emotions to control me. I may not be in control over what's happening in my life, but I am in control of how I respond to it. Wow. That was just harrowing. That's a good stuff there. Alright, Dawson. Who won that thing? Well, he did 18 months of a 5 year sentence, but he will serve life as the winner of the 2019 Ace Award of interview of the year. Dog, the bounty hunter. Wow. Snatch from the Motor City madman. Everyone, god, everyone has a story. We start really getting into all these guys. That. They all have a story. Alright. Number 4, rant of the year. Our 4th nominee for rant of the year, Chase Bank, Monday Motivation. I was telling you about Chase Bank and their completely innocuous, save your money, don't go, you know, make a cup of coffee, don't buy it was stepped out of line right there. They were called it was poor shaming. They they they claimed they were poor shaming, but Elizabeth Warren went on a sort of political rant. But the the what initially started it was, representative at Orange County just basically said you're poor shaming. So Chase is merely saying you can read it again, Jean. If they're merely saying, you want some more money saved, this would hold this in your savings account, no matter who engage in this behavior, then then you engage in this behavior. You can sorry. You can read it one more time. Chase to read. It's between you and your bank account. You. Why is my balance so low? Bank account, make coffee at home. Bank account, eat the food that's already in the fridge. Bank account, you don't need a cab. It's only 3 blocks. You, I guess we'll never know. Bank account, seriously? And so Chase apologizes. They don't mean to apologize. And Elizabeth Warren gets hurt thong back in a knot, but she's not angry either. She doesn't care that they told him to save money. She's grandstanding, and Chase is grandstanding in a in a negative way, but they're apologizing. And so both are doing what they do. But I read some of the comments below it, and I was this podcaster was shocked and appalled, and I've read that you have some of them. Right? Alright. Go ahead and read some of those. Alright. So I'm just gonna start from the top Because here was my thought. My thought is I know what Chase is doing. I know what Elizabeth Warren is doing and representative whomever is doing. But surely people understand what's going on and go, hey, give them a break so you make your own coffee and save a few bucks. I wish my wife did more of that or something. But people's comments, and this is the jump the shark moment in our country's history is what? Making fun of their lower income customers. What a great bank to never ever deal with. Making fun of. Mhmm. I've lived my entire life this way where people go, you know how it must feel, Adam, when you I go, it shouldn't feel like anything. I'm telling you how to get better. I'm telling you what to do. I'm just giving you a road map. But you have to hear what it sounds like coming from you. Coming from the rich guy who figured everything out? Okay. It sounds like something. I don't know what it sounds like. How about it just sounds like here's a good idea for you? Yeah. Something like sound like that? Or it sounds to me like they're saying, save yourself some money on coffee and food and travel. Yeah. That's what it sounds like to me. Alright. But it sounds like something else to everybody else. People are getting atrophied in their brain or something, like, when, like, what it sounds like. I I hear that. I do hear, like, what it must sound like, and I'm like, I never care what anything sounds like because these are either works or it doesn't work or makes sense or it doesn't make sense. It's weird, like, being judged all the time. Like, you think Chase is judging you? They're telling you how to save money, you f**ks. And g*****n politicians, f**k you. What is this b***h's name? She's out of, like, Orange County. And she's, f**k. g*****n. What a piece of s**t she is. You know, it's funny. f**king Christ. Just go do something, would you? It reminds me of when I first started working for you at KLSX. And I bought a package of bread, some mayonnaise, and some bologna and brought it to work every day, and I made myself bologna sandwiches so I didn't spend money. Yeah. And you told me, Dawson, you're getting paid pretty well here, dude. Why don't you leave the baloney at home? Yeah. I'll visit a Chase Bank. Yeah. Get some f**king salami, prosciutto, or something. Something a little better. Fortadale. God. I don't know. When's the last time anyone ate a piece of baloney? Charlie. 2 days ago. Oh, Jesus. That's some Brian Paul Ryan level s**t point shooting. Like, when I was when I was 13, I was like, f**k this. Mhmm. Like, it seemed weird at 13, representative Judy Porter. Porter. Thank you, hero. Now shut the f**k up. Jesus Christ. Just f**king do something with a road in a school and f**king figure out a way to trap rainwater, would you, b***h, instead of f**king f**king showboating all the time? Alright. Anyway, where the hell were we? Oh, we got, Another song. Oh, we got another song. Number 3. Here we go. Our 3rd nominee for song of the year, the Alan Parsons Project, macaroni and cheese Thanksgiving mashup. Had a Thanksgiving? We love you, but guess what? Since you f**ked up the macaroni and cheese, you're cleaning up all this s**t by yourself. Junior, Dejeanne, nor me, I'm gonna help you clean up. Macaroni and cheese. Uh-huh. At thanksgiving, we love you. Macaron and cheese. We told you don't put that s**t in macaron and cheese, but you insist on putting it. Macaron and cheese. So since you gonna do things your damn way, we gonna do s**t our way. Macaroni and cheese. We get ready to go upstairs and go to sleep while you clean up all this s**t for Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. We love you, but guess what? Macaroni and cheese. This s**t ain't fair, and we couldn't even get a decent thing about home and cheese. We gotta wait and go back to Goose for Archie Carey to make us some damn macaroni and damn cheese. Macaroni and cheese? You decided to do some bulls**t you just seen off the damn Internet. Don't experiment on damn Thanksgiving. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. You experiment by your damn self. Happy Thanksgiving. We love you. Macaroni and cheese. You have no time with us. We don't want that s**t. Macaroni and cheese. Cheese. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. So since you gonna do things your damn way, we gonna do s**t our way. f**k something macaroni and cheese. We get ready to go upstairs and go to sleep. Don't experiment on damn Thanksgiving. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. Since you f**ked up the macaroni and cheese, macaroni and cheese. Hell no try with us. We don't want that s**t. Until Kevin gave you the damn recipe, but you chose to do s**t on your own. Macaroni and cheese. Don't experiment on damn Thanksgiving. Don't experiment on Thanksgiving. You experiment by your damn self. Since you bought something macaroni and cheese, had a Thanksgiving. We love you. I wanna travel with this woman because, like, when I order huevos rancheros and they bring me a breakfast burrito or Mike get gets a club sandwich club sandwich. A BLT. They bring him a chicken burger. Real chicken. f**king her standing there yelling at the f**king waitress. Right? She would back you a 100%. Oh, g*****n. Alan Parsons is touring in 2020. Wow. We're trying to get her on the bill. Special guest. If he's coming, to the Greek, we're going, Dawson. There are some Los Angeles shows. We we shall we shall make it happen. Alright. Let's see. We have caller of the year. The nominees for caller of the year are Bernie. You you came out to being bisexual to your mom. Yes. Right? And then you've decided to head the chapter of the bisexual community or group on campus? Yeah. Well, the whole LGBT. You get to run the whole thing and you're only half gay? Damn. That's why she was outraged. Jesus Christ. I don't know. I want to have principles. Yeah. I mean, it'd be like if Lenny Kravitz took over the NAACP. It's like, come on, buddy. Yeah. You got a white dad. You got a white dad. You got a white dad. Give me a break. Very Jewish dad. Yeah. Think you run this whole place? Come on. Bernie? Yeah. Oh, I'm only vice president. Oh, that makes sense. Sense. But if something should happen to the president, like, they blow up his motorcade or something, you gotta go full Lesbo before you slide into that oval office. Can you take that oath? Yeah. Take the oath now. Alright. Alright. So what, what do you guys do? How often do you meet? Where? And do you need a guest speaker? We meet every Thursday Mhmm. In, one of the quad buildings. And, we have been looking for a guest speaker recently. So Mhmm. Oh. Mhmm. K. And Riverside live show. Do you have any of the minutes from the last meeting? Like, what do you guys cover? Well, right now, we're trying to organize a drag show. I love it. A drag show? Yes. Now is this Top Fuel, funny cars, this is, alcohol. What what kind of dragsters are we talking about here? Pro stock? I don't speak your language. Oh, every meeting isn't a drag show? How dare you. Okay. So you're trying to organize so you're trying to heal the community by nut jobs dressing up in, balls and stomping around. I'm sorry, but Visa Gold doing Material Girl is one of the most inspiring things I I ever saw on my college campus. Maybe they heal maybe the community shall be healed. Alright. You wanna think about feeding the homeless or nothing like that? Just, let's all, let's all put on some kissing potion and mince a bath. Okay. I'm saying, aren't you guys supposed to for this program. Well, aren't you supposed to be helping the community? What's the drag show gonna do? Are you gonna raise money, give it to somebody? Yeah. I think it's to raise money. Okay. Okay. Alright. But not not to buy friendly things. Session. What's that? Okay. Alright. So, alright. And, how many folks are in the meeting? I think it's about 20 or 30 of us. Okay. And your mom is not happy that you've turned political? No. He said that if I end up being with a girl, that no guy will ever wanna beat me ever again. Oh, I Oh. I beg to Hi. Let me talk to your mom. You know? Gary. Gary, 34, wants parenting advice. Oh, boy. Yeah, guys. Big fan. Yeah, man. Any, any thoughts for a, first time father to be? Well General. I'm I'm, I'm famous for saying this on Loveline, which is if you're calling in and asking Yeah. You're fine. Anyone is actually concerned. Yeah. Going out of the way to get information. That means you're going to the podcast maybe not, but You're gonna be a good Mhmm. You're gonna be a good parent. Plus, I see on the screen, Gary, you're 34. You're in LA. You waited I'm assuming you waited a while to have kids intentionally? Yeah. Certainly by design. Want to get established. This is good. Just so we're clear, 34 is waiting a while. Well, for the for the for the overall country. That's it. Yeah. So What if the average age of first time parents? It's gotta be 20. 22? Nationally. Yeah. Yeah. Probably to go up a lot more. Yeah. It has to go up a lot more in LA and New York. Hey. So, Gary, boy or girl? Boy. Good. Good. Jesus. See, it's a lot. It's easier. It's easier. Hey, Gary. Yeah. What do you do? Podcast production. Oh. Oh, that's scary. There it is. That was a very cool that was a very cool twist. There it Good for you, my friend. Wait. How come we didn't recognize his voice? He sounded confident. I don't know. I wasn't even I wasn't even disguising it. I know you weren't even sorry. You weren't even disguising it. Put Gary put Gary on hold. I'm putting her on hold. Gary, we'll get back to you. I have our own mission here to deal with. Appreciate it. Oh my god. Oh my god. I need a state of water. That was a nice reveal. That was a great that was a great reveal. I had to That was awesome. And Nicolas Cage. Well, Nicolas Cage is a different reason why I work so much. Yes. Some of it is definitely financial. Other things are you know, I I don't do very well when I don't have some a job to do. You know, sometimes I'll I'll I can I can I get kind of anxious or it's like a like a working dog? Like, if you have a Doberman and you don't exercise the dog, he's gonna get hyperactive. And then so I think that I need work to stay on balance. I'm much more, healthier. I'm working now, and I'm I'm more careful with my my well-being. And the other thing is that by working, I'm staying in shape as an as an artist, if you will, if I can that word, my instrument, which is my body and my voice. Wowie kazowie. Dawson, you have a winner to announce? It should be said 2 points that, number 1, this is our 2nd nomination in as many years from Bernie. Mhmm. We look forward to hearing from Bernie in 2020. Nicolas Cage also just dialed the telephone. Just called the show. Our winner Aw. For caller of the year is Gary. Yay. Caller Gary with a little bit of. And here he is with a little baby. I can't believe it was this year. It's an honor. And now here he is with me live in studio. Look at that pumpkin. The Fresh Prince. Wow. I can't take it. He's being very good right now. Watch your eyes. Yeah. These are good looking ones. Oh my god. Well, thank you, Ace Awards, and thank you, everyone. I appreciate it. We love you. We love you, Joya. Oh, it's beautiful. God, I can't take that face. Feel good. Alright. We have our 5th rant of the year. Number 5, rant of the year. Our 5th nominee for rant of the year, Gillette and toxic masculinity. These are 2 f**king 5 year olds roughhousing on a lawn at a barbecue. That's what f**king boys do, f**king pussies. That's what they do. I sure as hell we don't f**king break out in another war or need another bridge or another f**king skyscraper. We are f**ked. Guys wrestle with other guys. That's what they do on a lawn at a barbecue. No brass throwing punches. This notion that the dad is like, hey, you don't do that. Yes, you do. That's all you do. It if you get rid of that, we're in trouble. But how about it take it outside? They're outside. They're outside. They're in a picnic. Yeah. Take these 2 f**king kids. Get them a f**king, a crossword puzzle, and let them, sit in the corner and struggle with their sexuality. And you tell me when the depression starts to kick in. There's all this and and then go ahead and get them some, get them some ADD medication or some, what is it? Ritalin. Ritalin or what whatever it is because that boys need to get out, they need to move, they need to have contact, they need to rough house. This isn't by the way, these guys are so f**king piss poor at making a point which is these are 2 kids that are 5 years old that are clearly friends are that are just sort of scrapping around and wrestling on a on a lawn at a barbecue. And one's not attacking the other side. There's no reason to separate there's no reason to separate them. Because the boys watching today will be the men of tomorrow. No. They'll be the f**king pussies of tomorrow. There will be no men. They're not gonna be the men. There's just gonna be 2 f**king creatures living in the same domicile. Oh, f**k you, Gillette. f**k you. You're creating a big old sack of f**king worthless pussies and we're gonna be f**ked. It's funny, I went to the, hand doctor yesterday because both my hands are f**ked up. I see John Donnell White on TV talking about the nonsurgical, you know, about a fixed finger. Yeah. So if you look at my hand, the furthest furthest I can get my pinky out is, you know, basically 90 degrees. I can't do it. I have, like, gross and sis and But the missing finger trick is really easy to use. Right? I'm f**ked up. My knuckles are f**ked up. My hands are f**ked up. And I was in the kitchen the other day, and I was explaining to Sonny, your dad's hands are f**ked up. Your dad has a high threshold for pain. Right. My hands hurt, but I don't really talk about that much. But they are jacked up, and it's starting to f**k up when I shake hands. It gets pushed in. Like, it's hard to drive a race car and blah blah blah. You know, selling is not she lent anything to him really well. So I said to him I said to him he said, well, why are your hands f**ked up? And I said, because I boxed my whole life. I did construction my whole life. I played football my whole life. I did a bunch of hands on s**t, and that's why my hands are f**ked up. And he said, was it worth it? And I said, we're standing in the house Mhmm. That 7 and a half $1,000,000 because I went out and did this s**t my whole life. So, yes, it was worth getting f**ked up hands to get this life, but, yes, your hands will get f**ked up along the way, and there's a sort of brain version of that and a body version of that. But, yes, you go out there and use your hands and punch a bag for a while and do some construction and do whatever, your hands will get f**ked up. It's gonna catch up. But, my dad is 89, and his f**king hands are fine. How do you think he's pristine? He could model. New out of the box. He could do modeling for isotonor. Mid condition. Mid condition hands. His hands are fine. He lives in a s**t box, and he's waiting for his trumpet to show up that I'm gonna purchase for him, and my hands are f**ked up. So just think about that when you're thinking about putting your hands on another 5 year old, provided you're 5 and you're wrestling and you're coming on the other side. Going. That's right. By the way, do you have a double jointed thumb? And am I just seeing this for the first time? I don't I don't think that right one. I don't I don't think so. But I that goes. I never thought I never thought about it, but I'm AM Is this normal? It is not. It is? Brian, make your thumb do something. No. You were only not even close. Thumb do something. Not even close. Yeah. Make my thumb. Sideshow s**t. Oh. What? You mean on on the on the that? Oh, that's gross. Never mind. Yeah. Brian can do it too. Brian can do it too. That's gross. Alright. Yeah. So I just diminished your accomplishment. Know you had? Well, I thought It's come as you go. I thought my stupid pinky that can't straighten out. I thought maybe I could overcompensate with my thumb, but, evidently, no. Could you straighten the pinky, like, if you, like, forced it, or is it is it or a splint? No. You can try. I don't I don't wanna. I want it right now. You can. It won't move. Like, my Okay. Pinky is facing down, and I can't straighten it. I can't straighten it. It's got a cyst and whatever, and I gotta get injections and stuff like that. Alright. Let's see. We got a break. Then coming up, we have best musical moment. We have, most uncomfortable moment. So much coming up right after this. Hey. It's Adam Kroll from The Adam Kroll Show. BetOnline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting. From the earliest odds to in game live betting, BetOnline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA, and championship boxing, all your betting needs in one place. Head to BetOnline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with BetOnline. BetOnline, the game starts here. At the Technical and Creative Arts Aces held earlier this month, awards were given out in the following broadcasting categories. Best Front Cell. You're rocking with the toolbox, the station that feels like vacation. Inside another free ride, be sure to tune in this evening for the Van Halen fault every weeknight at 6 from 1984 to o u 812. We got an hour of Sam and Dave brought to you by Guitar Center. Get to Guitar Center now for overpriced gear and employees with attitudes. It's their annual. It's still way too expensive, and I can't find a place to park sale. Going on now at Guitar Center. We got traffic and weather together, sunny skies in the southland. While the rest of the country freezes, we got 74 degrees. It's nice, but we are running out of water. Right now, be caller 105, and you'll win lunch for 2 at Outback Steakhouse Outback. Now serving kangaroo, cuckoo kachoo music from Rick Derringer, Jeff Rotal, and the lovin' spoonful next hour. Got just enough time to tell you that this set of the hits is brought to you by Bed Bath and Beyond. Go beyond the bed in the bath. That's right. Check out the hallway. Tomorrow's another 2 for Tuesday. Double shots of that classic rock all day, baby. Here's a band that we won't play on 2 for Tuesday because they only got one song. It's like they said, hey. If we only get one song, let's really make it count. Let's also give ourselves a really dumb name like Sugar Loaf on the toolbox. Best intro joke, and now. He likes boobs like he likes his walls. Load bearing. Adam Carolla. Yeah. Get it on. Mike must have the day off. Probably the probably the funeral for one of his customers. Cancellation. Some free time in the morning? Well, I don't mean customers. I do mean funeral. Alright. Sportscaster of the year. Oh, brother. Time for the Waterhouse update brought to you by the Rutger Hauer Hour, the talk show that is not screwing around. Women's World Cup Soccer, USA, like Kamala Harris with 3 loosely related facts, they just keep coming at you. England had as much chance as a straight pride parade in West Hollywood. If the US women win the cup Sunday, Trump brought tanks to DC to keep them from entering the White House. That soccer wrap up brought to you by Dice Krispies. Start every morning with a gamble. South America's best time, baseball. Yankees play Boston and London and ground them up like an angry waiter to the pepper mill. Set a local cricket ban after game number 1. Only 6 hours, and it's already over. I want my money back. 7th inning stretch, Wright said Fred saying, take me out to the ball gag store. NBA, the Brooklyn Nets sign Kevin Durant, Kyrie Irving, and Deandre Jordan. Meanwhile, the New York Knicks drop their car keys down a sewer grate. Competitive eating. Even I don't call that. That item's sponsored by Appointment, the app that delivers ointment to your door exactly when you need it. Best radio request. I do love this about Led Zeppelin when you call in and you have to request the song. Hey, man. Could I hear that one about the it's called the purple alligator, and it it's she's got a purple oh, it's called come on, babe. Come around the block or come around the come on the merry can I request a Led Zeppelin song? This one is called torn Achilles? Oh, s**t. Cut, Misty Hoppy g*****n it. Hoppy I IPA? I'll tell you what. Let me just scrap the lid. Let me take this is called let me take you to the movies. Let me take you to the woodshed. Shed. s**t. This I wanna take you to the let let me take you to the movie. Yeah. This is called I wanna take you to the movies. No? Okay. Wait. Wait. Forget it. Forget Led Zeppelin. Forget it. f**k that. I f**king can't think anymore. I wanna hear Bad Companies, Bad Company off of the album, Bad Company. Okay? f**k it. I'm hanging up. And best Morning Zoo. You have been banging that drum all day. I wanna bang up my drum all day. Little Chad Rudwin in 22 minutes right here with a*s crack and back sack in the border, but that hurts. And you have pop the top, but another Asscrack and BackSack HR agreement. Let me just jump in. It's 851 at the top of the hour. I'll tell you what, BackSack Yeah, Bob. Why don't we just, march it down the hall and, walk into, Jack Silver's office and see if we can just, hash this thing out there in a commercial break. Maybe we could do it. I'd like to do it because I wanna do a show that's entertaining and free of any personal baggage. Well, that's gonna be difficult because you come in here like a Sherpa dragging baggage every single morning. Fast crack. Yes, Fact Sack. Tell it to buy Marconi award, brother. I have a daytime local Emmy, which I say is much better than Marconi award. Plus, I was voted top 10 DJ in Spin and Hits and Radio and Dial Magazine, 9 years running. I'm strong. I'm strong, man. I'm not easily offended. The reason I come here is to inspire people having a tough time getting out of bed on the board. And if you think I am intimidated by your midday television Miami. I work in South Florida. I worked at number 1 y 100, Fort Lauderdale, Miami in the pub. And I'm gonna tell you something. I have a personal friends with Chuck and Tom Kelly, and that man has 6 Daytime Emmy Awards from local programming in San Diego. All kids shows. Because that man has a heart and a big hat. But he wants to raise those kids because the parents sometimes sadly are around to get themselves. So good. I love the way it says shotgun. And the pomodoro. The pomodoro. I don't know. It's kinda what it's kinda what makes humans humans and why you can't really describe things to other, like, cultures Yeah. Or the the other animals. Like, there's something rhythmically whatever. It's greater in the sum of its parts. Like, if you try to describe it, if you did a great impression, it wouldn't be, you know, it wouldn't it all comes together. It's one of those you had to be there moments. Right. Or Or had to listen. Or had to hear it. But either way, it is not something you could write. No. It's just there, and that's sort of why probably why we love comedy and why we love Magic Johnson taking the ball down the court, improvise like, doing something. It's not something you could see coming or work out or script out. It just sort of is in the moment. Great. Like, I was thinking about Step Brothers, of all things, the other day. The movie Step Brothers, John c Riley and and Will Ferrell, the scenes where they're sleepwalking, if you wrote that down, it would sound so f**king stupid. Like, 2 grown men sleepwalk and run into each other. It's g*****n hysterical. Alright. Let's see what I don't know. Where are we now? Song of the year 4. Song of the year 4. Here we go. Actually, it, yeah. Number 4. Here we Our 4th nominee for song of the year, the 12 rants of Christmas. On his first vessel, Adam rants at me about building cones from the city. Straighten no chaser. On his second Adam rants at me. How about 2 spoiled kids and building codes from the city? On his 3rd glass of mangeria, Adam rants at me. 3 drop calls. 2 spoiled kids. And building codes from the city. On his 4th class of manangria, Adam rants at me. Four plates of carbs. 3 dropped calls. 2 spoiled kids. And building codes from the city. On his 5th bus of Angria, Adam rants at me. Five freeway starts. Four plates of cars. Three dropped calls. 2 spoiled kids. And building codes from the city. On his 6th glass of mangeria, Adam rants at me. 6 hours of fortnight. Five freeway socks. Four plates of cars. Three dropped calls. 2 spoiled kids. And building codes from the city. On its 7th Langria, Adam rents at me. 7 socks at Phil 8. 6 hours of Fortnite. Five freeway socks. Really socks. Four plates of cards. Three dropped calls. 2 spoiled carrots. And building codes from the city. On his 8th glass of Mangria, Adam rants at me. 8 meals from Postmates. 7 socks that fill 8. 6 hours of fortnight. Five freeway socks. Socks of air. Four plates of car. 3 dropped galls. 2 spoil to kill them. And building codes from the city. On his 9th class of Mangria, Adam rants at me. Nine veggie pizzas. 8 meals from Postmates. 7 socks that fill 8. 6 hours of Fortnite. Five freeway socks. Get socks. Four plates of cards. Three dropped calls. Two smalls. Hello, bastards. Ten building codes from the city. On this 10th bus of Mangria, Adam rants at me. Ten lackey Four plates of cars. Three dropped calls. 2's boys. Your little bastard and human codes from the city. On his 11th plan, Gria, Adam rented me. 11th, Plato Southwest. 10 lackey slacking. 9 veggie pizzas. 8 meals from Postmates. 7 socks at Phil 8. 6 hours of Fortnite. High freeway saw the all. Fires of tires. Four plates of cars. Three dropped calls. Two spoilers. Sit your a*s with them. Building codes from the city. August 12th, less of Mangria, Adam ranted me. Twelve podcast tapings. Eleven flights on Southwest. 10 lackey slacky. Nine veggie pizzas. 8 meals from Postmates. 7 socks at Phil 8. 6 hours of fortnight. Five freeway star. Rocks. Four plates of cars. Three dropped calls. To spoil To ban building codes from the city. Beautiful. Those guys did all that live. That was amazing. And no one was holding a sheet of paper. No. They're real good. And I was like I know what they're doing. You just made up a bespoke song. Like, you just, like, put it on a piece of paper. I mean We practiced. Superheroes. I went to see them last year after they came in, and we took the 4 year old and Wow. It was magical. And a little plug that because they invited us back. They're gonna be in Cerritos, 28th in a couple days. So please go see them if you can. It is really amazing experience. Yeah. I I totally agree. They're all good guys. And and, yes, you could hold a piece of paper because it's a podcast and who cares and you made up the song, but it'll be better if you commit it to memory. Yeah. And there's a certain pride in doing that. Absolutely. And I just love that there's a super easy way out of this, but you're not taking it. I love that. So, good straight no chaser. Alright. Let's see. We go on to our rant of the year number 6. I think it's best musical moment. We're actually in I'm sorry. We have to musical moment. I'm sorry. Come on. We have to we have to, crown a We got a win win light situation. Champagne away from him. Sorry. Here is the nominations for best musical moment. We will crown the winner for song of the year at the end. Okay. The nominees for best improvised musical moment are Adam and AJ Benza for Harvey. She was a Harvey girl. A lot of these girls have kept their mouth shut. That's that's part of the way you can see who's the Harvey girl. I keep thinking I keep thinking of Charlie girl. Charlie. Who beats off in a pot of fire and they call him Harvey. Who drags reporters to basements of kitchen pow. Who beats off in the shower? Wow. Remember he's loose and he's kinda fat and they call him Harvey. Wow. Get Rich Banks get to work, man. Smells like an Oscar. A comedy. Straight on your neck. Yeah. It's like a nice day. You gotta find that song. Kinda oh kinda well. Harvey. Kinda dick kinda now. Harvey wanna work in this town again, and he'll start sucking. Harvey. Song writes itself. That's the easiest assignment, James. So easy. Dana Gould for Jim Morrison, b 50 two's mashup. The songs are written in people's cadences. The guy's like, the Doors song, Riders on the Storm, is written in a b 52. There's a killer on the road. House brain is squirming like a toad. Hey, there, toad. Get out of that road. Riders on the storm. Yeah. And toad is hard. When he's right, he's right. Adam for Mac Davis tribute. Hey, baby. Oh, man. It it's a it's a it's it's kinda rambling from a from a futon. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, listen. Maybe, like, I'm not gonna get up and ramble, but after you're done blowing me, I need you to ramble. Show yourself the door. You ramble. Girl, you're getting that look in your life. You're hot there's, like, you're a hot blooded woman child. Or something. Yeah. See, you're getting hooked on me. You know, that's like we've all had those conversations. I should've dedicated this to I should've dedicated this to Christy when I had the chance. But you shouldn't stop blowing me, which is really the undercurrent to every one of these songs. The subtext. Leave. Don't I'm gonna blow a load in your ear. Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me. Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me. I'll bang you on the fruit, Sean, and I'll set you free. Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me. Harder I have a warning. f**k you, Bradley Cooper. It's not that hard. Tessa Bishop What? For jingle bells. Oh, no. That must have fallen in Who who tells you that song? No problem. Or babysitter. Our babysitter taught you the song. And Brian for Isaac Hayes, Dan Hill mashup. I would encourage you guys to tweet me and do this periodically. A song that Isaac Hayes would never sing. It's a little too tender for Isaac in a different way. Also, when he talks about his feelings if I love you, and I choke on my reply. What? I'd rather hurt your on a sluiced than mislead you with a lie. No. And who am I to judge you? No. And what'd you say or do? I'm only just beginning to see the real you. Sometimes. And sometimes when we touch. Strong contenders. Wow. Wow. Now I'm worried that Tess is gonna take it because, you know, sentiment crowd, you know I didn't know for. Wonderful, but, I mean, come on, Mac No Harvey girl. Mac Davis and the Harvey girl. And, let me just see here. Isaac. Nice. You know, Mac Davis was like he was a singer, a songwriter, and he was an actor. He was like a new Dallas played the quarterback in Oh, was that him? 40. Yeah. That was Mac Davis. Like, Mac had a like, one of those Wow. Chris Kristofferson kind of, like, careers where he's, like, at song Yeah. Wrote a bunch of songs for people and then sung a bunch of songs and then did a bunch of movies, either proving that he's super talented or none of those things is really that difficult. I think it may be the difficult part. Alright. What do you got, Dawson? The winner, posthumously Oh. Which means very funny from the grave, Isaac Hayes. Well done, mister Hayes. What? What? Yeah. What? Sometimes. Alright. Now now we move on to, rant number 6. Our 6th nominee for rant of the year, school lunch debt. Well, the Wyoming Valley West School District in Pennsylvania sent out hundreds of letters this week warning parents who had lunch debt that things get really bad really quickly if they don't square up those bills for their kids. The letter, which was reviewed by CNN told parents that there have been, quote, multiple letters sent home with your child, that no payments have been made. It also said failure to provide children with food could result in parents being sent to dependency court saying that, quote, if you are taken to dependency court, the result may be your children being removed from your home and placed in foster care. Good. About a 1000 letters are sent to parents. They're pissed. They're freaking out. You, parents. Feed your f**king kids. Yeah. Pieces of s**t. And listen, Tyler Perry, I know you're listening. Don't f**king swoop in and settle the debt. Do not swoop in and make this right. Let those f**king s**tty parents figure this s**t out. This notion of free is good. These people should get free health care. They should have free college, and they should have free meals. I'm not signed off on it, not because there's anything wrong with college meals or health care. I'm not signed off on the concept of free. You are f**king people up. You tell me if it ever works. These parents have f**king kids. They don't pack lunches. The school they send them to school. They rack up a bill, and I'm sure it's a buck 29 a week or something worth of s**t. So no. And these people are pissed off that they owe the f**king school board 41 bucks. f**k you. That's what happens with free. It ruins people. Do we not know this? Good luck. We'll see how that f**king one works out. Let's see how it works. It doesn't. It can't. It chant and it won't. Wow. Thank you, f**k sticks. Again, the f**king lazy piece of s**t near to well f**king parents that don't wanna pay for their own kids and do whatever. By the way, I guarantee 3 quarters of those f**king lazy pieces of s**t have tattoos. Where'd you get the money for the tattoos? Where'd you get the time for the tattoo? What's an average tattoo on your arm? 300 bucks? How many f**king hard boiled eggs and green apples could you buy? How many sacks of beans? How many sacks of rice? What could you buy with that $300 or the f**king tat you've got, you f**king b***hes? f**k you. I don't I would argue that. Inspired a f**king conversation with a hot blonde last night. She was, like, explaining about me and my male privilege, and I was like That was a mop. I think it was a hat rack with a mop leaning against it. And she was like, you're male. Like, you you don't you don't understand. I was like, I know your story. And she's like, what? I was like, when you were 19, you were at UCLA. When I was 19, I was picking up f**king garbage on a construction site. So don't f**king lecture me about my f**king privilege, please. Jesus Christ. And she had a dick in her face? Yeah. I mean, we had a long conversation. We're like, we're friends, but don't f**king lecture me about my f**king whatever when you're on a you're on a campus at 19 and you're the f**king belle of the ball. Like, just knock it off. Just go do your own f**king thing. It's it's weird and it's sad, but free s**t to people pisses them off. It makes them agitated, and all they want is more and they don't even know what's going on. They don't even know why they're agitated. They're just agitated. Alright. Most uncomfortable moment is coming up. Everyone holds their breath for this. Oh, boy. I don't know if anyone else does it. Nothing. It always involves Brian, but we don't know. Man. It's one of the longer one of the longest segments of the year. Strap in. Alright. You got it, Dawson? The nominees for most uncomfortable moment are Adam and Kalyn. Kalyn was, house sitting, the days that we were in Maui. Thank god. Took care of Phil, picked us up, dropped us off at the airport. It's all good. But as we were pulling up about, 1:15 in the morning last night, I had this thought, how long before I find something that lets me know Kalyn was here? I just thought, how long? Then I walked into the bedroom, my bedroom. He's sporting a bed. He's sporting a bed. And there was a bunch of a couple of towels that were sorta like, balled up and weird sitting on top of my bureau, like I have a chest of drawers. So on top of it with some unfamiliar towels in an unfamiliar position, and I went, I don't know where these towels came from. Is my, chest of drawers there? And then, I lifted them up and a bra came flying out. And I thought, I guess, Kalyn was with his lady friend. Damn. But I thought I didn't have to know that, but now I do. I have to know it because it's on top of my bureau, and it's her bra on top of my bureau. Don't act like you're not a fan. So I literally just took these towels that were like, they're balled up and they're on top they're on top of my chest of drawers, so I'm probably not gonna miss them. They're in my bedroom right by my bed, but I'm like, I'll take these towels and I'll hang them out to dry or spread them out or whatever. And then a then a bra went airborne when I shook them out, and I went, oh, well, I guess Kalen was sex in my bed with, this gal who wears a Calvin Klein 34 b. So I thought, well, that can take that long. We are off to a great start this year. The first time I'm guessing it, you showed up with your lady friend. She did come over. She did come over. Yeah. Okay. She could've just taken a shower. I guess she took a shower With Kim. Or a hot tub or what have you. But, how's it work with the part where I find the bra as I walk into the house? Like, it could've been hanging from a lighting fixture. It's true. Yeah. Adam and Gabe. Well, CNN reports Hold on. Gabe left. What? Yeah. Gabe just pulled out. He quit? I don't I don't know. Dylan tried to go go and get him, and he just he gave, Dylan the peace sign. It just it just drove away. Did he clean his office? Yeah. Did he clean out his office? I feel like I was pretty mild mannered with him. I don't know. I don't know if that was, too rough on the on the young boy. Alright. Well, let's hope he doesn't come back. Oh, jeez. I'm not kidding. Why does that what? Are you by the way, if that gets him to leave, then I don't want him back. If that's if the talk I had with him about playing video games in front of me in his messy office that I tell him to clean all the time, if that got him to leave, then then that's good. Adam and Chris. Did we ever find my somebody tweeted me chicken or something. The the last one I have was from February, and somebody, tweeted me. Hold on. Hold on. I how does Twitter work? How do you and me and Twitter work? Like, I I sit at my house, I see 8 tweets about chicken a day and a half ago, And then I say to Max, go on my Twitter and find that thing, and you're like, it doesn't exist. There's one from 4 months ago. And I'm like, no. No. Yesterday or the day before. Like, people were tweeting me, like, hey, I wanna make this. I think it was Anna, but But, you know, maybe. I I think so. Maybe it was. I can I can text her? I'm not blaming you. I'm looking at anything that was Totally. I know. I'm I'm feeling sick. I'm blaming you. But the only reason I say this is because at some point, we do find it. At some point, I go out in the hall, like, what the f**k's going on? I just got yesterday. How come we don't want it? And then someone goes, oh, I got it. Or Gary goes from the other room. I got it. I'll tell you my search method. Tell me if this is flawed. I searched it. Just look at my go to my page and just look from, like, yesterday or the day before, and you'll just see a picture of chicken paprikash. I just went to Anna's Twitter and it's right here. Oh, what's her? Okay. So alright. Yeah. Unfindable. But Would it go to Adam? I not no. But it says chicken paprikash and the instant pot. Can you see what I I see on on my Twitter? Yeah. Okay. So go to my Twitter. I don't get thousands a day. I get a cup, I get a few, and go to yesterday. This was tweeted to you. So I was looking at everything that's I'm not acting. I why how do you act like someone tweeted toward you? Like your posture, your mannerisms, like, oh, Carol over there acting like he's being tweeted. I said, I go to I went to my Twitter and there's tweets about this. Can you go into my Twitter and see tweets about this? Or is that Alright. Well, here's No. You want me to just look at your timeline that you just I go to my Twitter from, like, yesterday and look for a tweet about chicken. Alright. And then you'll see tweets about chicken. Okay. I don't know about checking my timeline or looking for buzzwords or or actively tweeted at me. I don't know if they were tweeted at me. I feel like we go through this a lot. I I say in a blanket statement, go to my Twitter, somebody tweeted this. And then we get to know a lot of semantics about what happened. But we could just go to my Twitter and just look at it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Okay. Alright. Adam and Danny Trail. When you were in prison, did you do, like, a shop class or continuation school or was there any kind of educational? Well, you know, there used to be. I mean, but they in fact, they had a different college courses, but people started on the streets. People started complaining that guys were going to prison getting their their, what's the first one you get? The diploma, the diploma, the Free ride, associate, etcetera. See, that's the that's why do you say that? That's not good. That's what I'm saying. Free ride. You're in prison. That's not a free ride. I'm some making the voice of the person on the street. That's not me. Okay. Alright. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You all said that before though. That's the And, Adam, and Dylan. What's he upset about? It's just you're you're just a little hard on on him for this whole office thing and What is what am I being what is the hard part on me? Well, he doesn't okay. Thank you, Carrie. And this he does a lot of work for the show. He he really pours his his heart out and puts everything into the show. He doesn't organize his Okay. He works hard for the show. Yeah. Okay. And you don't work hard or Brian doesn't work hard or I don't work hard or everyone works hard. Brian works. Okay. He works hard for the show. Brent works. Okay. What's that have to do with cleaning his office or not cleaning his office? No. What what what it just as far as just the morale here is just is just getting very low with all this this office cleaning. It's it's worrying me too. Yeah. Well, what how should we resolve this office cleaning thing? I it I I called you that day. It's on me. I should be assigning it to people, and it it But didn't I tell Dylan to clean his office? I don't I don't I don't know if you personally told Dylan to clean his office or not. Okay. Dylan, is your morale low? Do you wanna take some time off? I'm I'm confused because if you do think I'm as f**king lazy and atrophied and stupid as you think I am, then fire me. Okay. Would you like to be fired? I would like to have a job here where my work is respected and people don't scream at me on air for a f**king radar cord that I didn't put on a shelf, but fire me if you think I'm this stupid. Well, let's let's take some time off. Why don't we do that? We'll figure out the rest. Self esteem movement, man. Not a good thing. I hope it's thinks it's a good thing, check with some, 28 year olds and tell me how it's working for them. Hope he's at the party tonight. It's a real photo finish with this category. Wow. Alright. It's an honor just not to be nominated. Right. This is the first time you were at Chow. My streak is broken. Yeah. You can relax. Alright, Dawson. Most uncomfortable moment. Everybody saw it coming. The most uncomfortable moment of 2019 goes to Danny Trejo. Oh. Oh. Okay. I'll see that. God, he did get heated. Yeah. He wasn't pleased. Adam's flipping joke about free education. Yeah. How dare you? Alright. Let's see. We are we taking a break here, Max Spada? Alright. Coming up, we have best drops. Yeah. Best guess. Winner of the best rant. All ahead right after this. Let's take a look back at the staff's Google search history for the past year. Vegan Mexican food, San Fernando Valley, Asian serial killer cabins, Bill Gates shoes. How does Dennis Rodman Make Money, Kevin Hart, Jackfruit, Zuma Beach, Creamy French versus Thousand Island, Daniel Craig, shirtless, Gay Marriage Longativity, Carmen Electra Young Video song. Do people eat cassowary? Jenko. How much does Harvey Weinstein weigh? Sometimes When We Touch. 1979, Bantams, Chatsworth Chiefs College of the Canons. Kurt Russell's eye patch. Aloha Bobby and Rose, Robert Kraft Oral, Vampire Facial, Jungle Rose's Dangerfield. Which states have upskirt laws? 85 year old man, abortion, Mark Spitz, speedo, pea protein isolate, shroud of Turin, 2019 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Take off that brassiere, my dear. That's 2019. On to 2020 with the Adam Carolla Show. There we go. Heading into the home stretch. Many things were one we're gonna, crown some winners up here. We got the drops coming up. We got the song of the year. We got, best rant. We have all of that ahead. First, Zorro, zor0.com. Find everything for business, any size, and almost any industry, tools, equipment, safety, office cleaning supplies, and more. Tons of stuff. For electrical, plumbing, contracting, manufacturing, and more. You can do it for your home. You can do it for your business, medium or small, large, whatever, Zuora. Brands you know and trust, STANLEY, 3 m. I used some 3 m double stick tape today. Milwaukee and, Rubbermaid, just to name a few amazing amazing customer service for real or I should say from real people in the US. So fast and free shipping on orders of $50 or more and, again, you pick up the phone, you call these guys, somebody speaks good English and lives here in the United States, visit zorro.com/adam. Sign up for the z mail today. Get 15% off your first order. That's zor0.com/adam. Our 5th nominee for song of the year, Kalyn's beds are burning. I would add the boss's home with Caitlin and his girlfriend watching the house and walking fillet while Ace man was in Hawaii. When Ace came home, he found a bra. Was not Lynette on his chest of drawers wrapped in a towel. A 34 b cup. It belonged to her, Cayman's girlfriend. Such a hit. I know they were baby. Yeah. Wow. B cup or, as Gina Grad knows it, shot gla*s. That's funny. Mhmm. Alright. Because I'll have a nice stein of what Gina's surfing up. And why why did you just drag your hand across my cheek when you said that? Yes. You know, we could have been something. Sometimes jokes don't work. Stoked you up. The winner. Alright. Oh, yeah. Please. Of song of the year. So many great submissions this year. It goes to f**k you, Rich Banks. f**k Rich Banks. We are now. Mike Lynch. We are Gina Grad. Gary Smith. We are Chris locksmith. Sing with Kalyn Beam. About. So go Walt Bryant. Dick. And Mike Dawson. Gina Range, man. Oh, thank you. Chops. The only one who could actually sing. We're too doosy for fans here. You guys sounded good, but it did does make you, ironically appreciate Rich Banks. It's like That's right. He can sing. Yeah. Alright. So now, Brian The big award. A shot. The big award. Best drop by staff. Brian's gonna pick the winner. The nominees for best drop by a staffer are Jack Flaps. Hashtag free Bill Cosby. To the degree that I do understand, I don't care. I have sucked a dick. I don't know how to put this lightly, but who cares? And the winner, the best drop by a staffer. Jab flaps. Yeah. Well deserved. We got some mileage out of that sort of party pun. Alright. Gladly take that. The best one there left around is Chris. We have, now best drop by Gina. Oh, Christ. The nominees for best drop by Gina are Meth, I'm on it. She's been around, but she's young and clean. Kiss. Come get it in blood, b***h made a*s little boy. I'm out there with a broke hand, don't get smoked, f**k a*s cracker. I was supposed to go Christmas shopping with my family, but I'm home tending to my tender butthole. There's been a 1,000 dicks in me. And the winner Uh-huh. I mean, a plethora. They're all winners. So good. Best drop by Gina is There's been a 1000 dicks in me. Thank you. Strong. Strong. Andy, that's not true. The butthole one is the best though in a way because there's a moment in which you can tell you're like, s**t, there's gonna be a drop. Yeah. I was trying to imitate Josh Brolin. I gave you you so many gifts this year, Brian. Didn't even make the podium. Wow. Now we move to best drop by moi, Adam Carolla. The nominees for best drop by Adam are I'm gay, but I'd like to be gayer. Come here, you little homo. When I see something I like, I take it. I'm, like, mayor of Douche Island. And the winner. Yeah. I'm a hit. Best drop by Adam. When I see something I like, I take it. Such a sorry, Adam. Weird whisper. It was a weird whisper at the end that put it over the top. Right? It was. The drop in octopus. Yes. Alright. Now we have a guest. Oh, sorry. This is drop of the year. Just drop of the year. Sorry. Show. Mhmm. Yeah. The nominees for drop of the year are 100% bulls**t. Hey, Mike. He's talking Hey, Mike. He's talking about you, you f**k a*s. I just got my a*s destroyed today. I got my own s**t. Sometimes jokes don't work. Wow, man. This is tough. This is a strong The mic f**k a*s is good, but the jokes don't work as legs. I know. You know what I mean? Like, that could work Oh. Well beyond all all our we could be we could all pass on, and that could still work. That's true. But how many mics are in this studio? That's true. I mean, Brian got some mileage out of that. I don't have to look back over the years of Ace Awards and, like, look at the nominees. I have them all. You know what I mean? Like, this might be the best crop of 5. Oh, yeah. This is good. It's tough. The the winner is of drop of the year hey, Mike. He's talking about you, you f**k a*s. I don't remember who that was. Logan Paul. Logan Paul. Oh, it was Logan Paul. That's right. Talking about his buddy. Jokes don't work. It's a great drop, and I will use that. Good. Yeah. You will you will use that. Yeah. Alright. So that was in, Neil Degrasse Tyson. That was Logan Paul? Yeah. I know. They're very easy to double check for you. We can double check. I I think we're gonna have Sam Wright, but just check. Yeah. Just check. Alright. We have a guest of the year coming up now. The nominees for best guest are AJ Benza. My dog 10 years ago died on the airplane, which is the worst. Really? Yeah. So I don't need an emotional dog, but we're taking a dog to New York. And to go see your vet and act like you I concocted this big story. I flew on 911. You have no idea. You take that flight all the time. It could've been me. Whatever the f**k. What how big is that? In 10 pound Japanese chin. No. My dog died on a plane from LA to New York about an hour and a half into the flight. Oh, god. I was trying to feed him for a little piece of ham, and he stiffens a board. It was the worst. Next three and a half hours were horrifying. They put him in a hole. There's a hole in the fuselage in the back of the plane that kinda keeps something cold if something dies. Uh-huh. And, let me tell you something. When dogs expire or pets expire, they release a lot of gas that you can't believe. I mean, it's not People looking at me, I'm like, it ain't me. You know, I'm crying. It's my dead dog right here. I'm a mess. So it just has a fake service dog. Well, yeah. Yeah. Because at least it's a dog. It's not a chicken or a pig. The people things people take on planes You think it would be very triggering for you to bring another dog on plane? You know, I haven't taken a pet since, my other dog died. So this could be a very emotional fibric, you know. We'll see. We hate the people who take dogs on planes, AJ. I want my dog to see my sister's house before she sells it. It's a big thing. Oh, wow. There's gonna be 12 dogs there. We're all taking our paths to be dogs. Yes. My We're all taking our heads between dogs. Yes. My sister has 7. I have 1. My nephews have 5 of 4 between them. So we're all taking the dogs there for the last weekend in Long Island. Woof stock. Yeah. It's kind of a dog stop. This is the beginning of a chick fillet. It's very gay. It's very gay. I know it's gay. So the dog expires on the plane. It's terrible. Yeah. I now the gas part adds a wrinkle because I feel like I would just slide that thing under the seat. No. It was under the seat. It was under the seat. It doesn't matter. Why did you say anything? Like, I just feel like first of all, the amount of gas it was like 10 drunks at the bar. Oh my god. You know, Jimmy had canned clams and cabbage, whatever he ate. It was that kind of smell. You couldn't get away from it. And I'm crying, and then they came back with a truck. I said, my dog dog died. They put it in a hole in the plane in the back and, you know, we we, we took it to the vet when we got home. It had an enlarged heart. No had no idea. 10 year old dog. Great little Yorkie. I love my little boy. Died. Dead. Done. Done. Dana Gould. I'd like to, play the role of a Huell's, segment producer over at, I feel that was too was that too tight? Was that, should I should I open that one up? Yeah. He'll there we have some new management here, and I know you like to play things kinda fast and loose and shoot from the hip. But what I'm gonna need is a shooting schedule, a breakdown. I what what I'm saying is is I saw what you did at the Baghdad Cafe. You walked in More of that. No. No. No. No. No. No. Because there was a I've We're in the middle of the desert, and there was a road sign with a 1 and a 5 on it. That's 2 hours. I need 2 hours. Well, you look. The Godfather was less than 2 hours as as I recall a ride around there. That had characters, that had plot, that had Marlon Brando, pace, Star Wars, these things. You can't take empty highway and fill it with 2 hours of rocks and gravel and scorched desert and chaparral. I gotta tighten this up. My background is MTV sports. We we we we tighten this up. My background is MTV scorched tight. We see, we're on the same page because you're talking about The Godfather, and I got coming up 3 and a half hours with a woman who find a pine cone that from a certain angle looks like James Conn. Yeah. Joe And that's a high 3 and a half. Yeah. But so you're kinda illustrating what I'm saying here, which is we can debate whether the pine cone should ever even air, but I'm saying that is a 92nd hit max. 3 and a half hours. Well, you have to get you know, yeah. It's like a onion. There's just levels. Uh-huh. He was in roller ball. James Khan. James Khan. Have you ever gone to to to to roller rinks? I've seen it. Mhmm. I'm familiar with Skinny Minnie Miller. There's a roller there's a roller rink in Glendale, California that, well, now I've I, I just did a remote exactly 500 feet from it. Well, okay. Now, but see, Huell, this is what I'm talking about. I've watched the tapes. I've seen a nice distance. It's a I have a chalk I have a chalk outline around that. Is that like a restraining order or something? We don't need to get into No. We don't need to get into the the the sticky fingers of a meddling bureaucracy. Okay. Chris DeStefano. Your mom was in, the second tower? Yes. She, well, she yeah. When that happened so I knew you know, I'd been in her office before. She was, like, the, 65th floor, the second tower that was set on 911. But when, you know, that happened, I went to an all boy Catholic high school in Queens, and we could see the World Trade Center from the class that I was in. We could see it from most of the classes, so we just saw the buildings on fire. Wow. And then a teacher came in and he was like, hey, boys, The city's, city's under attack. You know, those buildings, I bet I guess, you know, this is before it happened. He's like, those buildings are on fire. So whoever if you guys have loved ones there, go call them now because he was he kept saying, he was like, there's a preposterous chance, there's an astronomical chance that people everybody in those buildings are dead. And I was like, well, great. My mother works in the second one. And then he didn't care. He was like, well, go call her. And then the line was busy. The line was was busy the whole time. So I started to cry, because, you know, I thought my mom was dead, and I'm You don't have to explain why you're crying and that all you care. But honestly, I was also on steroids. You know, I was 17 years old. I was having emotional. I was taking, Winstrel. What's up? We believe you. Yeah. So this kid, you know, like I said, all boy Catholic school. So this kid started Frank started to laugh at me. Frank. Yeah. So I broke a chair over his head because, like Yeah. You know, I just I'm I'm I was so emotional. Like, I I'm not that kind of guy, you know, but I just bang, hit him, and I got thrown out of, school. That was Tuesday, and then I didn't but then my mom was by the way, I thought my mom was dead the whole time until I got home. I I finally got home, and my mom opened the door. And I genuinely thought, at that moment, I thought she was a ghost. Like, in my body, I I was like, she's a ghost because I had a nerve from my I was like then the towers fell down. So then I was like, she's definitely dead. What time what time of day was it when you saw her with your own eyes? With my own eyes? That must have been about, 4 PM because she had to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge. Everybody had to walk home over the Brooklyn Bridge. So when I saw her, I was like, oh my god. And she had blood all over her legs. And I was like, I then I got, like, irate. Then it was like, I'm joining the army. Like, I went and she was like, no, no, honey. I fell off the bus in Brooklyn. And I was like, what? You just escaped 911. You fell off the bus. And she was like, I slipped off the bus. And then so it was like this moment, but then I didn't tell her that I got thrown out of school 3 hours before that because I put somebody in a coma. So I just I went Wednesday, we head off. There's a time and a place for that. That's a time. We had Wednesday, Ralph. Right? Wednesday, all New York City Schools were closed. Thursday, I just, like Larry David, just walked back into school. I was like, they forgot. It was a national tragedy. Come on. They forgot. And, as soon as I get there, the principal is like, Stefano, home. You're out. You're ex you're out. So I had no choice. I didn't no leeway on that? Well, that's me. Different time. We need, like, a scent of a woman style hearing with the whole school there. Yeah. So I call my father, who's like an old school, like, you know, kinda like Brooklyn Bronx guy. You know, he was one of the I think he was like a bookie. I think that's what he did. You know? I don't know. He never, like, had, like, a real job. Yeah. He was always, like, a cash kinda guy. That's just, like, the the guys that, you know, I grew up around. So my dad, I called him, and I was like, dad, look. I'm sorry. You know, I got thrown out of school. I hit somebody, in the head with a chair. And my dad was like, well, you didn't get thrown out of school yet. And I'm like, well, I did. He's like, I'm gonna come down there. I'm gonna negotiate. Mhmm. And I was like, you don't have to, dad. Like, I'm expelled. It's I I I was in the wrong. He goes, no. There's no evidence. And I swear to God, so we comes down to the principal's office, I'll never forget this, he was wearing like a New York Yankees batting practice, jacket, sweatpants, he had a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee, He was wearing his huge chain. He has, like, the bit like, one of those, like, Jesus, like, Jesus' actual height and weight and gold Right. Chain. So he walks into the principal's office. And, like, you know, keep in mind, I mean, you know, you have to have a meeting with the principal. There's a secretary. There's a whole system. My dad just ignores all that. He goes, which which room is it? And I was like, oh, it's that room. So the secretary is like, oh, sir. Can I help you? Just ignores, walks in. The principal I'm seeing this, like, from behind my dad. The principal was on the phone. And my dad goes, hey, can I talk to you? And, doesn't introduce himself, nothing. And the principal's like, excuse me? He goes, yeah. I'm I'm Chris's dad. I need to talk to you. And the principal's like, well, I'm I'm on the phone, sir. You'll have to wait outside. And my dad just hangs up the phone. Oh, wow. It was like Isn't it power power? Hangs up the phone. He goes, look at that. Now you're not on the phone. Look at that. James Brolin. I was going through the chicane, and it was just after dark, which is or at dark, you know, which is the toughest time on a track. Mhmm. You can't see. You can't judge well. And suddenly, in in the dust, I see this what looks like a hog. I mean, a 400 pound hog, and it was a pet that somebody had brought because, you know, the whole center of the track is loaded with motor homes and drunks. Right. Well, they brought their pet hog. Right? And the hog got loose. Yeah. And it's running across the track at the chicanes, and I go, this mother is gonna scoop right up this Porsche hood and right through the windshield and take my head off Yeah. Unless I get this thing sideways. It's a very low the brakes Yeah. And I did what I did. And guess what? It caught the front of the left tire and ripped the a arm and the tire completely off. The, the 924 Porsche he's driving is low with a long front side. No. No? No. It was a 6. No? It's a 4 Really? With a turbo. I don't remember that, but it was Well, look it up. Little car. I didn't drive it. Don't remember what I'm telling you. Yeah. I'll remember I'll remember 4. It was a turbocharged 4. But people don't get mired in 6 or 4 or 8 in race car trim because they have f 1 cars with 4 cylinders with 800 horsepower. It's all how they put the turbo on it. But it's a long, low front hood. It's like a wedge. So if it hits the pig, the pig's coming right through the windshield. So And that decision had to be made in how many milliseconds? Oh, oh, yeah. Milliseconds. And I was so but, you know, I was just amazed that that tire and and a arm just passed me like nothing. And then the truck drivers later brought this cooked hog in the morning to me and said there wasn't a they found him in a ditch, rolled over, and there wasn't a mark on his skin. That's why they make footballs out of these bastards. And Chris Kattan. I love Saturday Night Live. I've always loved Saturday Night Live except for when DJ Khaled performed. But I've I have 2. I'm oh, right now. Another one. Yeah. That that guy. Yeah. We do that. Orders food. Another one. Yeah. Wanna get you coffee? Another one. Do you like some ranch with those fries? Another one. Okay. Normally, we don't put the chili and the ranch on top of the fries. No. Another one. Okay. Would you like a steak cut fry, a curly fry, or just a traditional fry? Just another one. Oh, okay. Would you like us to dump the ranch into your mouth and then dip just push the fries in your mouth? About it another one. Okay. Now, we don't have bundt cake for breakfast, and we don't we cannot put the eggs inside of the whole of the funnel cake. We don't normally do that, but I think we might have one left. Yeah. Just another one. Okay. Alright. Thanks for setting me up for that. That was really good. And we're at the Morongo Casino. Oh, no. Alright. We got a 7 card. We got a 7 pack of shoe over here. Shoe. Alright. So, mister Khaled, you, you got a 9. You flipped over. A face card. You have 19. I'm I got I got a 3 showing, so I guess you're good. You're gonna you're gonna stand on that? Another one. Okay. You have look. I'm not here to you have 19. I got a 3 showing, so I'm probably gonna flip a face car and then probably bust. Are you sure you wanna hit? It's another one. Oh, I'm going back to Cali. Going back to Cali. Strong Cali. Think of that James Brolin story was Max, and, you'll know Dawson. Does he talk about Sebring or Daytona? Probably Sebring. Must have been talking about Sebring. Where's the Chicane? Well, there's a Chicane, like, they Oh, that's a part of a racetrack. They not all racetracks, but they'll put them in, like, the Mulsanne straight at Le Mans was, like, 3.7 miles and long. And guys would be going 245 miles an hour when they got to the end, and people are dying. So they put a little wrinkle in the middle of it to kinda slow you down a little bit. It's like a little speed bump for racetracks. Like, alright. There's a chicane, and we can't go 250 miles an hour and die in the middle of the night. So there is a chicane at Le Mans, and Le Mans does have, like, a bunch of people showing up and camping in the middle. But It was Sebring. It was Sebring. Yeah. Because Sebring probably has one too. And Sebring's Florida, and it's a little more trashy. Uh-huh. Panhandle. Right. So I had to correct him on the number of cylinders. This is 9:20. Place where they'd have a pig out in the wind field. Yeah. Alright, Dawson. Sorry. Go ahead. The winner of the 2019 Ace Awards for guest of the year is There we go. AJ Benza. Oh, yeah. Well deserved. That guy's awesome. He always brings it. Alright. Now when we wrap up in, 8 minutes, we're gonna go to the other shop, and you shall see the Porsche that 1 Sebring outright. 8 cylinders? 6. 1 Daytona outright as well and won its class at Le Mans, but not outright. Came in second at Le Mans. So always appreciate. Alright. Our last, number 7, rant of the year. Our 7th nominee for rant of the year, Little Miss Sunshine. This is when we jumped the f**king shark. Blame this f**king movie. I'll tell you why. Greg Kinnear is a f**king dad in a very good and traditional way. All he's doing is, like, working, and all he's doing is talking about, like, hey. Don't eat ice cream for breakfast. You're going to do Little Miss Sunshine. You shouldn't it's unhealthy for you. He is the hero of this story. The producers and the director made him into the goat of the story. He's the dad. There's something wrong with him because he's trying to, like, hustle up work and he's trying to keep his family together, whatever. You got the brother, the gay brother who tried to slit his wrist, and they're, like, sitting around the dinner table, and and and she's she's like, what happened to your wrist, uncle Rob? And he's like, well, when I was done blowing my boyfriend, I decided and and and Greg Kinnear is going, I I don't think that's acceptable. They're like, why is it acceptable? Let her know. She should know the truth. The f**k you. She's f**king 9. She doesn't need to know about this guy killing himself because a gay partner left him for an author. That's number 1. Number 2, she's going to a beauty contest. She does need to know about nutrition. She ordered f**king ice cream and pancakes for breakfast and the f**king same guy, the same same guy thought it would be a bad idea to talk about suicide at the dinner table when they're back in Arizona, Also think it's a good idea to talk about eggs and a more nutritious breakfast. And, yes, especially and ironically, when you're on the way to a beauty contest. The other hero in the movie is the f**king junkie the junky sex offender, f**king grandpa who's a f**king junkie, the most inappropriate f**king grandpa in the world. Like, he's in the next room doing a couple of rails. He was thrown out of Shady Acres for being sexually inappropriate with other members of Shady Acres. And now he's been thrown out of multiple old age homes for getting handsy with women in the in the f**king home. He's a junkie who's a sexual predator, and he's the second ear, who teaches his daughter to his granddaughter to dance like a dance like a f**king w***e, and he's the f**king hero. And then the gay guy tried to kill himself. He's the second in the line of hero. And the f**king one sane normal guy in the f**king movie, Greg Kinnear, the dad, He's the villain. He's the dumbo. He's the buffoon. He's the clod. Now where are we now in society? We're short on the kineers. We got plenty of junkies running around, and this movie caused it all. It got it completely backwards. The chick couldn't dance for s**t. She has no talent. That's the other thing. Like, the other chick comes out, she plays a concerto on a Steinway. And the other chick comes out, she's spinning baton and doing the splits. All stuff you have to practice for. All stuff you have to dedicate time to. And then this b***h comes out, shakes her a*s like she's just f**king drunk stumbling out of a f**king bar, and we're all supposed to start applauding the chick who's put no effort, no time, and has no skill level into her f**king act. This movie's 100% backwards, and it marked the f**king of our society. We jumped the shark with this f**king movie. Jesus g*****n Christ. And everyone was like applauding, like, oh, she's. No. She has no talent. And what about the other f**king girls who work their a*s off for the competition? And why by the way, why bother practicing anything? Why pick up the baton? Why pick up a guitar? Why pick up a cello? It doesn't matter anymore. Why learn to play the harp? You just get out there and stagger around in some sort of flop dance, and then everyone will just start slowly, like, start to slow clap for you. f**k that. But, of course, the academy is like, we love it. We love it. We love it. f**k this. Listen. I know people do the they do stuff with me all the time. They go, do your bid on Deere. I'm f**king dead serious. I'm not doing a bid on anything. We're f**ked. We're f**ked as a society because of this movie. This movie represents what we've done. We've f**king gone from Greg Kinnear to the f**king cousin or that stupid as Gina brought up, didn't make the clip. The f**king brother took the valve of silence because he wanted to be the fighter jock. We f**king jumped the shark. That's where we're at. We are f**ked with those guys. With the guy trying to commit suicide, with the cool mom, with the valve silence guy, our society's destroyed with those guys. There is no more society with those guys. By the way, those guys don't do s**t. A harbinger. They don't do anything. A harbinger. They f**king sit around and they comment on how they don't like other people's bridge building and war waging and f**king skyscraper building. They sit back and they comment on things. They don't do jack f**king s**t. Those pussies don't do s**t. They write about other people and how they don't like what they do. They tweet it. But they don't f**king do anything. We don't want that. We don't want that. We want to celebrate the people who do things and not the f**king snarky douches who comment on how they don't like what the other people do, and that's where at. So listen, asswipes. If that's a society you want, we're there. You'll have it. You got it. Good f**king luck with your next golden gate branch. Good f**king luck with your next world war. Good f**king luck to you pussies. Good luck. Nobody's gonna be there to build it or fight it or do it. Good f**king luck. Alright. Dawson, you're submitting those rant. Hate? My super positive outgoing message of the year, but Jesus f**king Christ. I never thought we'd get to this point. That movie represents everything that's wrong with our f**king society. That's right. Light a f**king candle and blow it out with a fart because we're f**king done, people. It's insane. There's f**king dudes who do s**t and those who f**king sit there and f**king snarkily comment on them, and that's what this whole world is turning into. And somehow, they're the f**king heroes. The people that talk about s**t are the heroes. People that f**king do s**t are the heroes. What's what's the last time these guys did anything or when's the last time these guys did anything? What do they build? What do they make? What do they manufacture? All they do is they f**king fold their arms. They're like, oh, you big whatever, pharmaceutical, auto, whatever. Oh, your carbon footprint. Like, oh, yeah. Okay, commenters. You f**king do something. I gotta get my f**king car, and I gotta drive home. Well, actually, I have someone else drive me because I'm a little buzz, but the point is this. Who's putting the fuel in the tank? Who's manufacturing the car? Who's making the f**king who's who's who's smelting the steel? How do we get it? How do we get here, pussies? Or we should just all just fold our arms. Yeah. How'd you get that f**king iPhone 10? Who made that s**t? Who invented that s**t? Who melted down the metals? Who cast the s**t? Who designed the s**t? Who who did that? You just wanna f**king snarkly go away on your laptop, your phone, your computer, your f**king electric car back to your f**king condo. Who built the f**king condo you live in? Who built the f**king roads? Who built all this s**t, you f**king pussies? Shut up for 2020. Just shut your f**king face and get the f**k to work, and don't f**king critique those who do work because these people are f**king working. Like, you sit around there. Oh, these guys. Oh, they're oh, the the the fuel that they burn and the jet. Yeah. Okay. Magic f**king wand, f**king pixies. You get us a magic wand. You f**king fix everything. You fuel everything. You create everything. You build everything. Give me your f**king magic wand, you f**king hypocrite pussies. What what are we gonna do? But, yes, we do have to burn calories. We do we make we we we put carbon into the atmosphere because we're making steel for the condo you live in and steel for the car you drive. How how would you like to do this? Would you like to live on the dirt? Or you explain to us your special f**king talent for creating things that doesn't involve any burning of fossil fuels or burning of anything. Just you you tell All ears. Get your magic wand out. Make it for us, you f**king hypocrite pussies, or shut the f**k up because we're tired of f**king listening, you a*****es. I wanna hear another one of you f**king a*****es in 2020 explain to me what's problematic to you. 26 year old f**king pussy doesn't know s**t about anything. He's never f**king worked a day in your life. You tell me all about you. What's f**king problematic to you? Shut up. We have a f**king country to run. Get the f**k out of the way. Let the f**king adults run it, and you shut up. Alright. So everyone enjoy their next day. Say is, merry Christmas. Jesus f**king Christ. Look. You can complain all the f**k you want about what we're doing or what they're doing or what he's doing or what she's doing. Mhmm. You must come up with an alternative plan that works. If you don't, then shut up. You can talk all you want about burning fossil fuels and cars and automobiles and roads and vulcanized rubber and whatever. Good. Come up with go invent something that works better or shut the f**k up. I don't wanna hear any more of it in 2,000 f**king 20. Thank you, Dawson. Chris, did you test it all that? First of all, amen and god bless America. Thank you. The winner for the 2019 Ace Awards for rant of the year is Gillette and toxic masculinity. Boys wrestling. Kinda dovetails into what you were just talking about. What the f**k is 5 year old boys wrestling on a lawn? What is negative about that unless you're a chick or or a dude who thinks like a chick. A dude who thinks like a chick. That's where we're at now. Alright. Let's see. I'm gonna jump in really quick. And in that rant, Adam, you said, it don't, it won't, it can't, and it shan't. I wanna thank, all the people who make this show possible. You got your Dawsons out there, your Mike Lynches', your Kalins', your Garys', your Matt Fondolliers', your Emmys', your Gabes', your Jorge's', we call them George', Mike August, and Chris Maxapada. Doctor Drew thinks that's his real name. Hey, Mike. He's talking about you, you f**k a*s. We got Gina. We got Brian with a y. That's right. We got You can't spell anything. What do you care? That's a good point. Super you f**king lucky Crans and Duchess with a y, boy. That saved your a*s. Save my Oh, man. It'd be a whole different life for you. Super fans, Giovanni, Dick Banks as well. Charles is over there eating barbecue. We'll thank him as well. Here we go into I never know how to word this, but, passing year 11 coming up in February all because of you guys, because of the people that are listening. Who know who knew this, like, fake job can turn into a real job and Crazy. Create a family and while the families are creating families, it's it's wonderful. I I should give Gina and Paul Brian a a moment or two to say what they think at the end of the year because it would be unfair of me just to sort of steamroll over you. I wish you would've prepared for me. We're good. Alright, Gina. How about you? I I will say I've I've said this multiple times, to multiple people that I cannot believe in February I will be here 5 years, and I still feel like the new kid every day. Feels like a lot longer. It thank you. It does. I still feel like I'm new, and I'm I'm excited. And I I want it to be good, and I wanna prove myself, and I'm just happy to be here. So thanks for letting me be here. I I love it. Gina, I love people low self esteem. Oh. I do. We got you, girl. Everyone who's f**king talks about high self esteem, I f**king hate those new tracks. I like low self esteem, and you can do. My dear. You got a heaping help with low self esteem, and that's we will always be friends and will never have a f**king crossword course word or an argument. It will always always be that. I love that. Brian. On the other hand, snuggly train. On top of my head, this has, I think it's been one of the best years of my life, with, you know, 10 years yeah. 10 years since, diagnosis, 10 year anniversary of loss of Albright last for Albright that we're doing last with, raising tons of money, and it's been you you guys, Adam, Gina, everyone under this roof and everyone listening has been the big the biggest part of it, you know, aside from obviously Christy and Tessa, but, like, it's it's the engine that's driven, you know, probably what has been my best year. So thanks, you guys. Well, thank you, and thank you listeners. Indeed. And, you can go to adamcorla.com for all the live shows and chassis for all the, VODs and, DVDs and anything that ends in a in a d. And, let's see. Last with Paul Bryan, as we've just discussed, available Coming up on a 150 k. All money is going to damn is it damn cancer? Stupid cancer. Stupid cancer. Sorry. You get, like, 2 and a half hours of comedy for under $5 and you can sign up for our Carolla newsletter and you can also check out my new book or at least you can preorder it at Barnes and Noble and Amazon, amkrowl.com. I'm your emotional support animal animal animal animal. You can, and give some love to, Mike Lynch who worked really hard on that book as well and on the ACE Awards. Yeah. And until next time, which is 2020 Santa Carolla, Virginia Grant, and Bob Ryan. Say it. Mahalo. Thank you for joining us for this year's Ace Awards. Share it with a friend and show them what they missed in 2019, and get them listening in 2020. Produced by Mike Dawson Dawson and Mike Lynch. Coproducers, Chris Laxamana, Gary Smith, Caelin Bean, Emmy Fuentes, and Gabe Maldonado. A special thanks to archivist, superfan, Giovani. Orchestra and score for the Ace Awards thanks to extreme music, recorded using RODE microphones, and edited on Avid Pro Tools and Adobe Audition. Catering by Chick Fil A, unless you're Jay Leno. Hotel accommodations by Caelin's Airbnb, putting the b cup in B and B. Come for the bed. Leave the bra. Travel to the Ace Awards furnished by a car with an open trunk with Mike August bag flying out of it. No animals were hurt in the production of the Ace Awards unless you count Phil being kicked in the ribs by Olga. Hey, Mike. He's talking about you, you f**k a*s. The Ace Awards. Alright. That's the 13th annual Ace Awards from 2019. That does it for today's cool classics. Until next time, hoe and get it on.