Transcript
Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the Fairtrade organic lip balm keeping these chops of life advice nice and moisturized, Gabriel Mizrahi. One of those lip balms you find in your pants pocket, like, months later, and you're like, oh, cool. Bonus lip balm. Exactly. But, you know, maybe I should have gone with the lip balm you forget in your pocket and then run through the washing machine staining all your other clothes with coconut oil and then debate whether to throw out. But then you're like, I'll just keep using it even though it kinda tastes like Tide Gabriel Mizrahi. Oh, I've done that. I've definitely done that. Yeah. But that one doesn't hit the same, does it? Not quite. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long form conversations with a variety of amazing folks from undercover agents and former jihadis, Fortune 500 CEOs, and rocket scientists. This week, we had the one and only Mike Rowe, host of Dirty Jobs and Somebody's Gotta Do It, and author of the new book, The Way I Heard It. This is actually him interviewing me, and we discuss uncertainty, various social and economic issues, education and a whole lot more. A bit of a reverse episode of the show in that respect. We also did a skeptical Sunday last Sunday on food packaging. On Fridays though, we share stories, offer advice to listeners, and compare Gabe to various essential cosmetics, which to be fair, you know, he kind of is, both essential and cosmetic. I cannot argue with that. So you just got back from Asia, my friend. Yes. What was that like? Was it awesome? Well, yeah. To say the least, look, I got I went to Laos and Vietnam, and I went with a group of business owners. There were 25 of us. It was 2 and a half weeks long. It's really hard to explain what happens in 2 and a half weeks. This is one of those trips where there were therapists on the trip also in their professional capacity and also just taking part in the trip. But you do some work on yourself and your relationships and your thinking, and then there's, like, woo woo crap that I usually don't go for, like yoga and breath work of which I'd leaned into this time because it was fun and interesting. Music to my ears. I love to hear that. I know it is. You'll be happy to know I was shirtless 95% of the time. Makes me so happy. Are you, like, into holotropic breath work now? It's so funny you should mention that. I did do that. Yeah. And it was, that stuff's real, man. Oh, yeah. When you hyperoxygenate your brain, weird stuff happens. Stuff in there lights up that's not supposed to light up. People swear by it. People say that they can't do creative work without breathing for 10 or 15 minutes first. I've tried it. It really helps. Yeah. I won't bore everybody with my experience there, but I had trouble standing up at the end of it, and I also had, like, a massive kind of emotional release that I was not expecting at all. And I you know me. I am not mister, like Not a cryo. Woo woo deep meditative whatever guy. I'm just not, but the it's there's something going on there. Wow. So we hiked a bunch. I mean, 6 hours up a mountain. Lots of really cool jungle hikes. A lot of cool fun ziplining and ATV ing and hiking and all kinds of, there's workouts in the jungle. We went tubing down the Mekong River. They were just really awesome. I I don't even know how else to explain it without taking half an hour, which I am not going to do to our listeners. And then at the end, we topped it off by going to Long Bay, Vietnam, which is one of those UNESCO crazy UN protected sites, and it's just breathtakingly beautiful. And if if you Google Long Bay, you'll see it. It's just it's one of those bucket list things that most people have once they find out it exists. And we were on a nice boat. We had the whole boat to ourselves. There were 18 of us at that point because some people had to go home earlier. Funnily enough, one of the waitresses on the boat, she was always looking at me. And one day, I got up early in the morning, and I went to go do Tai Chi with, like, the Tai Chi master they had on the boat in the morning at 6:30. And I ordered a coffee. Hold up. Yeah. Yeah. My boy did Tai Chi Mhmm. On a hippie dippy small business owner retreat. I did. And you know what the Tai Chi master said? Tell me. You're not a beginner. That's what he said. I've never done Tai Chi in my life. This is the greatest I'm loving this. This is vindication to me. You have mocked me for 2 years for doing stuff like this. I will continue to mock you. Don't worry. That's gonna explain. Self loathing. It's reflected self loathing now. I'm so happy to hear this. Okay. You did Tai Chi. You're on the boat. Then what happened? Right. I ordered a coffee from the waitress, and she goes, you're so handsome. And I was just, like, taken aback by this. And the bartender's there, like, polish awkwardly polishing glasses and, like, looking up to see my reaction. Okay. And then she said it again, and then she did this weird hand gesture where her hands were over her breasts. What? And then she just looks at me and goes, you are handsome boy number 1. What is that? Goes, oh, you know that that's your nickname. You're so lucky that it didn't happen earlier in the trip because everyone is gonna call you that for the rest of the trip, the next, like, 3 days. I'm gonna call you that for the rest of our partnership. You're handsome boy number 1. Wait. What did she mean by that? Like, you are the most handsome person I've ever seen? Or Something like that. Because at the end, we thanked all the staff, and they, like, lined up in this very formal way to, like, salute and shake hands with us and all this stuff. And then she goes, can I hug you? And I was like, sure. And she gave me the most awkward hug in I've probably ever had in my life where she, like, leaned way down, and she was already, like, 53. So she's basically hugging my waist. And then she looks at me, and she goes, handsome boy number 1. And my friend was just standing next to me also thanking the staff and was like, what the hell was that? You're like, awkward embrace number 1 is what that is. Yeah. It was so bizarre. I've never had anything like that happen to me in my life. Actually, was she ranking you? And the people Maybe there's a handsome boy number 23, but nobody capped to that one. That is so funny, dude. Well, you're my handsome boy number 1 now and always. Thank you. I'm gonna call you that forever. Thank you. It's like something grandmas call like, your grandmother calls you. Like, oh, you're number 1 handsome boy. You're my handsome boy. So that's my new nickname with that particular tour group of business owners, and we're going to Patagonia in a year. And I'm darn sure someone's gonna be like, oh, well, if it ain't handsome boy number 1 as soon as I walk in. Do you think you'll be handsome boy number 1 in other countries? Or you're gonna get the most? What if you go there and they're like handsome boy number 9? Oh, yeah. That means I gotta step it up, I guess. Get it make sure I could show up with a fresh haircut. Alright. Handsome boy number 1. Should we get into this? Alright. Handsome boy number 2. What's the first thing out of the mailbag? Dear Jordan and Gabe, My brother got married to a woman 2 years ago and at the time of the wedding they were living in Canada with our dad who was helping them build a 2 bedroom house. He's a contractor and he used his connections to get them deals on materials. Since the wedding, however, things have been off with her. First, she talked about being transgender but she did nothing about this fact. She then started to rearrange my dad's house and invite people over, sometimes even overnight, without his knowledge. He often just stayed in his bedroom because he no longer felt welcome in the rest of the house. She even wanted my dad's guests to inform her when they came for a visit, including the family. Okay. So she's just like squatting in her father in law's house and taking over? That's not cool. She made sure to never be alone with my dad, even getting people to come over to watch when she thought my dad might come home since she claimed she was scared he would trigger her. All of this came to a head one day when my dad was making breakfast for his dog while she was making lunches for her friend's kids who had stayed over the previous night. She told my dad to make the dog's breakfast elsewhere, and he said that it was his house and he would make the food where he wanted to. Yeah. What is this woman's problem? Jeez. She then moved out and into a tent on the property with their unfurnished house. What a weirdo. I but okay. Good. Right? I mean, it sounds like a rough roommate to have. She then became pregnant with twins and she no longer seemed to be fearful of my dad. She even apologized for her past behavior. She gave birth to 2 beautiful little girls and things seemed to be going well. Until the twins were 6 months old. One day, she grabbed my dad's dog and spent the day with him. After she brought him back to my dad's, he noticed he wasn't wearing his collar for the invisible fence. My dad asked why and she replied that she had been training the dog and the collar interfered with this training. My dad told her the collar HAD to be on him at all times since he's a large dog and he's accidentally scared people. This caused her to have a tantrum similar to a toddler. She punched walls inside the house before heading outside, then threw herself on the ground drumming her feet and crying. Okay. I don't mean to laugh, but she's legitimately unstable. This is like, you need to talk to somebody or go on medication ASAP. This is so weird. We found out later that she had had another tantrum not witnessed by her family which led to the police being called and child aid doing an investigation. Now she's not allowed to be left alone with her daughters and child aide instructed that she had to get counselling. For the past year, my brother and his wife have been using my dad's house as storage as their house is too small for them and using a shower and laundry since their hot water tank hadn't been installed yet. They've been avoiding him when they go over. He only notices that they've been there when he comes home to a glass on the counter or my brother calling wanting to know where something is and saying they don't appreciate him moving their stuff. Yeah. I okay. These people, man. Whatever. There's something about the glass on the counter that just rubs me the wrong way. We're gonna come into your house when you're not there and leave crap. But then if you put our crap away, we're gonna scold you for it. Gonna yell at you. Yeah. These people, I honestly I'd be done with these people, and I'd be like, if you come over again, I'm calling the police. My dad feels that he's been taken advantage of Yes. And has changed the locks so they can't use the house when he's not at home. Bravo. Yes. Thank fair. Plea thank goodness. This man has some sense. Good. The situation at my brother's house is now very tense. He's currently on unemployment because his wife is unable to be left alone with the girls or provide adequate care because she's always self medicating by smoking weed. Oh, bad combination. Due to self diagnosed mental health issues, she has not held down a job for any significant period of time. She's been jumping to conclusions and yelling. She's disrespected her friends' requests which has caused them to drift apart. She's even made her godfather, who owns the property that their house is on, to move out. She then started to isolate my brother by saying my dad is abusive, that she didn't feel safe taking the girls there, that he was abusing my brother so he shouldn't even speak to him. I am done with this woman. She sounds like a nightmare. Yeah. You look angry, dude. Look. Legitimate family drama, I can understand. Deliberately driving a wedge between people and pushing them away because you're a selfish a hole and unstable and won't do anything about it, absolutely not okay. And I'm sorry. I know this woman is suffering, but she is a major problem. And also, Gabriel, what is self diagnosed mental health issues? Does that just mean I didn't go to a doctor, but I know enough about my situation to know that I just can't work and I need to sit around all day and smoke pot? Is that what I'm hearing? Well, what worries me about that is, like, she's self aware enough to know she has mental health issues and her answer is I just have to smoke weed all day Yeah. To, like, calm down. But she's not self aware enough to go, there's something wrong. I need to fix it. Right. Ugh. This woman. It's not like this person is suffering so much, and I have sympathy for them. I do have a little bit, but whenever you won't do anything about it and you expect the entire world to just bend to your crap, No. I mean, at some point, people should draw the line and that line is, you know, screw you. I don't know. Then one day, she decided she had to clear her head at 11 PM by going for a drive. She was pulled over for going a 172 kilometers in an 80 kilometer two lane highway. So for anyone who doesn't use that system, that's 107 miles per hour. She didn't pull over for long enough that 3 cop cars were following her. When she did pull over, the cops noticed weed on the passenger seat and found that her license had been expired for half a year. At that point, she threw another tantrum, blaming the cops and even kicking at one of the officers. 1 of them had been involved in the child aid investigation and she managed to calm my sister-in-law down enough to not escalate things. But my sister-in-law is now under a psych evaluation. Good. She's out of control and recklessly endangering other people's lives for absolutely no reason. She's so lucky that the cop that she ended up kicking or whatever was somebody that understood her situation because she would've just caught another charge of resisting arrest. What are the odds of that? That's so crazy. This woman does not understand how lucky she is sort of short term for getting cops that are understanding, having a husband that puts up with her crap, having a father-in-law that until recently put up with her crap. I mean, she's surrounded by enablers, which is part of the reason why she's such a piece of crap and treating everyone horribly. It always seems like some of the worst people have some of the best luck, doesn't it? Since she's been away from the house, my brother has reached out to my dad, and that's how we know what happened. We're waiting for the results and to see if she'll face any charges which includes stunt driving, in other words reckless driving, driving with a restricted substance in reach, and driving with an expired license. The problem is, she's not cooperating with a psychologist and refusing all meds, only wanting to smoke weed. As a result, her evaluation was extended. But she's now home and we're back to radio silence for my brother. My dad informed me that between the house and my brother's wedding, he's already spent over $17,000 on them. Now he's looking at the cost of getting the car out of impound and is even talking about getting her a lawyer and paying off any fines she might incur. My brother doesn't have the money to cover any of these costs due to him being unemployed. Their problem, not his. She did this to herself. By the way, my evaluation, you belong in prison. You're welcome. Stamped shut. This woman, man. I'm afraid that my brother is in an abusive and controlling relationship. Yes. Obviously. What should we do to support my brother? Should my dad support them financially if this does go to trial? Signed constantly in awe at all the flaws that my sister-in-law is laying at the feet of my papa. Oh, man. Well, this is quite a mess. Truly. There's so much to talk about here. I think you can already tell where I stand on all this because I can't keep my mouth shut even while you're reading the letter. To cut to the chase, your brother was clearly in a controlling relationship. Whether it's actually abusive, I don't know. Could be, could not be. I'm not sure that it even matters really. What I know for sure is that it is stressful. It's chaotic. It's compromising. And, yes, it sounds highly manipulative. It sounds like your sister-in-law tries to control a lot of people, and your brother-in-law and your dad are now paying the price for it. And like I said, this woman is out of control. I have some minimal degree of compassion for her because she's obviously unwell, But she is doing nothing to help herself get better. And she's fully taking advantage of your dad and her godfather from the sound of it. And Lord knows who else. It's just this is not okay. So, no. I feel very strongly that your dad should absolutely not support them financially if this goes to trial and otherwise. I don't know who that would be helping at this point. In fact, the more other people support your sister-in-law, bail her out, prop her up, overlook her crazy nonsense. The more they're enabling her to continue being a very chaotic and dangerous person to your brother, your dad, her godfather, and her daughters. Oh, and the people that wanna drive on a road without having a maniac who's high off her a*s speeding a 107 miles per hour on it, just recklessly endangering all those people too. And, also, she is not your dad's child. This is your dad's daughter-in-law. But even if she were your dad's child, I'd probably say the same thing. She made her bed, which apparently is a sleeping bag and a tent on the ground in the backyard, and now she's gotta sleep in it. And, yes, I know that might mean she'll be even less available to her children, and even more responsibility will fall on your brother, and that sucks. But with a partner like this, I'm not sure that's actually the worst outcome. If she ends up getting prison time, or being forced to attend a drug rehab program, or to have to see a psychiatrist again, that might actually force her to confront how problematic her life has become and highlight all these bad choices. And hopefully, it'll push her towards the help that she desperately needs. Although, hey, candidly, I have low expectations here. Things would probably have to be pretty severe for her to wake up. I mean, at what point are you getting arrested by cops that you are kicking while you're high after you got caught driving a 107 miles per hour and you still think like, oh, they're out to get me. How much worse does it have to get? You know, her anger, her tantrums, her paranoia, all this reckless behavior. They're symptoms of her confusion, her mental illness, and or their defenses against having to confront the implications of her behavior on everyone else. And that is just a lot to overcome if the person doesn't actively want to work on this stuff. So, no. Let her car sit in impound or claim it and then you sell that thing. She shouldn't be driving anyway. Not that it stopped her not having an a license in the past. And let her hire her own lawyer or work with a public defender. That is literally why these people exist. Okay? Public defenders are here to protect the rights of people like this. They shouldn't cost your dad money. And let her find out what happens when you drive away your father-in-law who has literally helped you build a house for yourself. This woman does not deserve his help. And frankly, I'm a little shocked that your father is even considering bailing her out. Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Their dad sounds like a super generous person, such a kind guy, perhaps to a fault, and the idea of standing up to this objectively scary woman and watching his own son potentially struggle as a result, I imagine that's quite painful. But his job is to bear that pain because the alternative is literally insane. Literally insane. That's right. And so my first thought is I think your father could use some perspective and some support here more than your brother, really. I think your dad probably needs to be educated a little bit on how his support has inadvertently enabled this woman and what kind of precedent paying for her car and her lawyer is gonna set. And part of that conversation is also gonna be reassuring your dad that he's not a bad person for letting her deal with this stuff on her own and that he's not necessarily abandoning his son by refusing to enable his wife. My guess, and I know I'm speculating here a bit, but my guess is that your dad's kindness makes him very vulnerable to a person like this, obviously. And people like your sister-in-law know that. They gravitate to that and they exploit it or they at least use it to continue coasting as long as they can. I mean, that's basically what's happening here. I think the really hard part is gonna be helping your dad cope with her reaction when she finds out that he's not gonna bail her out because I gotta imagine that is gonna get ugly. She's relying on this. Right? There might be more crazy tantrums in the driveway. Yeah. Yeah. Multiple tantrums. And he needs a plan for how to handle and respond to that when it happens. I think he's gonna get it from his daughter-in-law. He might also get it from his son. And that's gonna hurt and it's gonna be uncomfortable and weird. It's gonna be part of the process. But that's where you can come in and say, Dad, standing up for yourself is probably gonna set her off. My brother might call and text you begging you to help them. It's gonna be difficult but that doesn't mean that you have done anything wrong by saying, I'm sorry but I can't continue to support you guys if you guys are gonna make these choices. It doesn't mean you're cruel, you're just drawing a line and protecting yourself. It just means that they're angry that their lifeline isn't there anymore. And if they wanted that lifeline to be there, they should have treated you better and been more responsible. Exactly. And also if you ever feel like giving in and supporting them again, it's okay for you to say, let me think about that and I'll get back to you. And then you can call me, you can talk to your friends, other people, objective people, we can talk about it together and we could decide what to do. But you don't have to give in to anything just because they're mad. Yeah. I like that script, Gabe, because part of me is also worried that this is turning into elder abuse a little bit. I don't know how old the dad is. And I'm not saying their dad is, like, demented or helpless or something like that. He might have all his faculties and just find it really hard to say no to his family. No. But I know what you're getting at. Like, as an older person with some resources, a house, some money, relationships that are apparently useful to them, he is vulnerable. Yeah. And vulnerable older people, whatever their mental state, they can get confused. They can operate out of fear and guilt, and they often need someone looking out for them. And I think our friend here is that person in this situation. Yes. I agree completely. As for your brother, I find it interesting that when his wife was out of the house, he started reaching out to your dad more. He started sharing all of this stuff with him. Yeah. Pretty textbook and it does suggest that his wife is the reason that he's not close with you guys. Yeah. Well, then as soon as she's back home, it's back to radio silence, which sounds controlling to me. The best thing you can do, we talk about this all the time, is keep the door open to him. Make it safe for him to come to you if and when he decides to reevaluate his marriage and repair things with you guys. And you can do that while still being firm and honest with him, right? You can say, Listen bro, your wife has caused immense chaos in all of our lives. She's treated dad terribly, she's isolated you, she's endangered tons of people. I don't think you or dad have done her any favours by supporting her while she behaves this way. Now, I can only imagine how difficult all of this must be for you, for the kids. I feel awful about that. My sense is that your wife is exerting a lot of control over you and that it's hard for you to stay close with us when she's around. And if you ever want to talk about how to make sense of that and what to do I am here for you. But in the meantime, I just can't participate in enabling a person who has been very damaging to everybody in her life especially dad after everything he's done for you guys which I really hope you appreciate. And I'm sure that this is very tricky and confusing for you, and I feel for you, but I hope you see that you should not be enabling her either. Certainly not until she makes a genuine effort to get better. That's exactly right. Her brother needs to feel that they still love him, that they're still there for him while also recognizing that his wife has exhausted their generosity and goodwill. Yeah. Because, you know, in a way, he needs to go through a kind of recovery process too, you know. And right now, being unemployed, watching his wife spin out, this could be his rock bottom, so to speak. That's very scary and painful, but it could also be a huge turning point. I also wanna point out that you and your dad can find other ways of supporting your brother that feel fair to you and don't enable your sister-in-law. For example, if your brother needs someone to watch the kids while he goes to work or he needs somebody to pick them up while he takes care of something, maybe your dad agrees to babysit or you guys tag team that sometimes. That's something he could do for his son and his grandkids, not so much for her. I totally agree, but I would say if your dad does that, I think he needs to do it with very good boundaries. Yeah. I hear you there. Because he he needs to make sure he doesn't become essentially a full time nanny to these kids. Maybe he says he'll only interact with your brother, not the wife, that kind of thing. Because helping in this way for somebody like your dad, I could just see that becoming a very slippery slope. So that's our take. Support without enabling. Be honest without escalating. Your brother and his wife, man, I think they're in for a bit of a reckoning, as they should be. Your sister-in-law needs to realize how unwell she is and get the help that she needs. And your brother needs to realize the damage he's helped cause by staying married and allowing her to behave this way. Watching them spin out without saving them, watching these kids grow up with a mom like this, that's gonna be really painful sometimes. It's like watching a house on fire and not putting it out. But that's when you gotta remember, not my house. And find ways of empowering your brother to put it out himself, or at least keep the proverbial fire to a minimum. And I'm sorry you guys are going through this. It is awful, but something has gotta change here. Sending you and your dad a big hug and wishing you all the best. You know, Gabe, one thing I didn't fully understand in this question is she sits home and smokes weed all day and he can't work because he has 2 kids. There are 100 of thousands of single moms and dads out there taking care of kids that also work. So what is the deal? There's 2 parents here. Neither of them can work? I'm just confused. Unclear. Yeah. I'm sure there's more to that situation. Yes. That's what I think. But if they wanted to make it work and take care of themselves enough to take care of the kids, they could. Yes. So they just don't have any income now and they're on disability? I don't think that's good for the kids. Honestly, this woman adds zero value and stresses everyone out and makes their life harder. I hate saying something like this without knowing every detail of a case, but give me one good reason why she should even have access to her children. Well, I think you're starting to understand why child aid is looking into all of this. Right. Imagine throwing a temper tantrum so bad that you had to call DCF Yeah. In the States. Like Yes. That's like an emergency situation. So the idea of her being around these young children is very worrisome. Well, one of the reasons I think he can't work is not just to care for the kids. I think he literally has to almost protect them from stoner wife who's sitting around maybe having a breakdown at any moment. There's so much more to this, I know, and they probably just didn't have time to write at all or didn't even see how it was obviously all related. And now for some deals so good, you'll be kicking and screaming like a toddler in the driveway. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Dell and AMD. Episode 4 of the cybersecurity tapes is here and it's a wild one. This time, the show dives into Silverwood Heights, a small town that embraced its identity as a smart city. But on election day, their tech forward approach turns into a nightmare. Systems they rely on, parking meters, voting machines, and more, they all start malfunctioning all at once, plunging the town into chaos. And at the heart of it is Edgar, an everyday resident trying to cast his vote. What should have been a normal day quickly unravels into a full scale digital meltdown with Edgar battling one glitchy system after another. And as tech becomes more embedded in our lives, I feel like this episode couldn't be more timely. The cybersecurity tapes does a really good job highlighting the side of tech that we rarely consider, vulnerabilities, hidden risks, the domino effect when things go wrong. Edgar's ordeal on this podcast is more than just a cautionary tale. It's a wake up call about the potential consequences of our growing digital dependence and the urgent need to safeguard our smart, so called smart systems. You can find the cyber security tapes on your favorite podcast platform. Got a cyber security story of your own? You leave them a review and it might inspire a future episode. You can tell that show is made by guys my age because they called it tapes. Do kids even know what those are anymore? This episode is also sponsored by Shopify. You know those huge brands we all know, Heinz, Mattel or Allbirds. Yeah, we think their success is all about having killer products, right? But here's the thing, it's not just the products, it's the engine behind the business that's driving the success. Those brands didn't just sell, they scaled and for a ton of them, their secret weapon is Shopify. Shopify is the number one checkout platform in the world. It's no joke. Shop Pay alone can boost conversions by up to 50%. That means fewer people abandoning their carts, way more sales actually closing. If you're serious about growing your business, you need a platform that can keep up. What's great about Shopify is that it lets you sell anywhere. Your customers scrolling on their phones? Covered. Seeing your ad while doom scrolling social media? Covered. Walking into the store? Still covered. That's why when businesses are ready to grow, they grow with Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout Mattel uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com/jordan in all lowercase. Go to shopify.com/jordan to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com/jordan. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps the lights on around here. All of the deals, discounts, and ways to support the show are all searchable and clickable over atjordanharbinger.com/deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Alright. Back to feedback Friday. Okay. Next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe. I've spent 2 decades building my music career, releasing music mostly through my own small record label. Growing a fan base outside the mainstream has been slow but rewarding, and I deeply value the connection I have with fans, many of whom I know personally. Hey, that is amazing. I've done something similar with this show over the years. I I have to admire any artist who builds a career like this, develops a fan base outside of the system that makes it easier for a lot of people. That takes a lot of hard work. So well done, man. However, I've been frustrated by a better known musician in my genre who used to mentor me. Early in my career, he supported me in many ways, offering advice, hiring me for his touring band, and producing 2 tracks on my debut album. But over time, I sensed that he saw me as inferior partly because I wasn't signed to a major label unlike him. He'd called me a hobbyist implying that my day job made me less serious. Okay. Of course, I did wanna be a full time musician but by the time I started the industry had changed a lot and streaming made record deals much harder to secure. As a result, I did a lot of work for Xposure, including a lot of free work for my mentor done on a skills swap basis. But he never honoured his half of the agreement. When I asked for his contribution, he instead quoted me his full rate. This combined with subtle but constant nagging over a couple of years made me realize that he had no respect for me. I stopped initiating contact and we fell out of touch. Well, that sucks but I'm glad that you made that call. Life's too short to seek approval from people who don't treat you well. In recent years, I found moderate success, which has been gratifying. But while this has happened, my former mentor has been making subtle digs at me. For instance, a few years ago, an interviewer who was also a fan of mine asked him whether we would work together again. He could've been diplomatic, but he said that he'd rather work with other musicians who could help him achieve the things he couldn't do on his own. Ouch. Meanwhile, he's engaging in weird one upmanship online. I recently posted a video about my excitement using a particular instrument for the first time. A couple days later, he posted a video of all of his compositions using that same instrument. Okay. Sorry. I don't mean to laugh, but this guy sounds deeply insecure to me. Earlier, the writer mentioned, he saw me as inferior. I'm not even convinced that's the problem here. It sounds like it sounds like he views you as a threat. The fact that he's more successful in acting like a middle schooler with a class rivalry, that just tells me everything I need to know about this jabroni. There are other examples, and he has a habit of implying that everything I'm doing, he has done before. Again though, why does he feel the need to do this? A grown man. Yeah. If he's so much more successful than you, why not just let his work speak for itself and leave you in the dust? This is so transparently narcissistic and lame. Then recently, my first album received a critical reappraisal. During the years it went unnoticed, my former mentor did nothing to promote it. But now I've seen him joining social media discussions to highlight his involvement. Of course. Of course, he did. Now that there's something in it for him, he's all over it. So there's narcissistic supply available and he's like, oh, well, do you know that I had a credit on the 3rd track? Like, shut up, man. Who cares? With this guy, he is mass massively insecure. Pathetic. You are so worked up today. I am worked up today. This is handsome boy number 1 energy. That's right. That's right. Don't you forget it. Well, I don't mind this. It feels a bit desperate. His contribution was perhaps a couple days work compared to the 3 years I spent on it. Yeah. What bothers me more is that he doesn't correct those who mistakenly credit my work to him despite being very particular about his own credits. In the past, he's asked fans and DMs to edit his Wikipedia page to boost his credits and he's peevishly emailed music reviewers to correct minor crediting errors. All of this seems petty to me. I appreciate any coverage my work gets and I wouldn't nitpick small mistakes especially from unpaid bloggers passionate about music. I could overlook all of this but one thing he did really upset me. I have dyspraxia which affects my playing style though I get by fine and it's more of a talking point than anything else. And Gabe, dyspraxia is what again? I don't know if I know what that is. It's a condition that affects a person's ability to perform motor and sensory tasks. Okay. It's also known as developmental coordination disorder. I had never heard of it until now. Okay. Interesting. So this makes him, what, play the guitar upside down? I mean, it doesn't I don't get what it does. Yeah. I guess it changes the way it plays because he says, my former mentor released a piece of music whose title mocks my playing style. The title also references an old in joke, so I'm sure it's deliberate. Well, screw this guy. Be nitpicky about your credits, competing online, boosting your clout, annoying, petty, but maybe kinda understandable if, like, you wanna be the biggest fish in the smallest pond. But straight up mocking someone for a disability, somebody that you supposedly used to mentor and that you worked with who hasn't done anything to you, this guy's just a dick. He's just a garden variety a*****e with nothing to show for it. He presents himself as mister nice guy online yet mocking a minor disability doesn't seem like nice guy behavior. I'm usually a turn the other cheek person but now I'm wondering if I should push back. Have you seen mentors act this way before? Should I call this guy out? Or is this kind of narcissism best left alone? And should I just focus on my work and let any success I have speak for itself? Signed, assessing the need for war against my former mentor. Yeah. 100% leave this kind of narcissism alone. Focus on your work and let your success speak for itself. That's my strong feeling here. Like I said, this guy doesn't sound like a tough but meaningful nemesis who has some legitimate beef with you or is pushing you to do your best work. You guys aren't rappers dropping diss tracks back and forth that are elevating both of your brands and inspiring you to come up with more and more creative bars or whatever. This is a former mentor or if he ever even was a mentor really. Everything you shared suggests he definitely wasn't. Or if he was, he's kind of a s**tty one. Clearly more interested in doling out advice and being close to people who could potentially help his career, which is definitely not what a true mentor does. This is a guy who diminished you, rednegged on his deal with you, proceeded to screw you over and has spent a weird amount of time cutting you down in various ways. This is not a healthy rivalry, this is just bullying. It's really lame, it's pathetic, it's a waste of everyone's time. It's actually a waste of his time. It doesn't have to be a waste of yours. Which is why my stance when it comes to people like this is, don't give them an ounce more time or energy than you absolutely have to because that's how they win. These people are clowns, they just have no idea. Also interesting that this guy has stepped up his shenanigans after our friend here found moderate success, after his first album received this reappraisal by critics, which by the way is awesome and congratulations. Well, that's not an accident. Right? As long as our friend here is getting some wins, this guy can't be happy. He either needs to cut him down to size or he needs to capitalize on it for his own gain by taking credit for his tiny role on social media. It reminds me of Robert Greene has the 48 laws of power, and I think one of them is never outshine the master. And that's when, you know, someone mentors you and you do better than them. It that person might be a little bit bitter about it, and you have to kinda manage that relationship. In this case, it sounds like our friend here hasn't really, in sort of absolute terms, outshined the master, but the master's is so deeply insecure that him getting an inch closer to this guy's status in in the industry is so threatening to him that he feels the need to shut it down. Correct. And what is he supposed to do? Spend 3 hours a day on Twitter correcting the record? Yeah. Putting out videos mocking this guy? Right. Like, then he's spending all of his precious time on this kind of pathetic guy Yeah. Whom he's lucky, frankly, to be done with. And that is time not spent focused on his music, on his life, which is the only thing that matters. Exactly. These people only get fuel when people fight back. And whether he's trying to or not, he's distracting you from what really matters. Also, I can almost guarantee if this is how he's treating you, there are other people he is treating like this to. And I'm sure that he engages with other successful people who can definitely help his career in a kind of smarmy, self serving spirit and that's only gonna get him so far. For sure. Some combination of all these things is ultimately gonna hold him back, maybe even tank him completely one day. And our friend here won't have to lift a finger. There are people in podcasting where what someone will say, can you believe this guy did that? And I'll go, oh, I have a story about that guy. And then 5 other people are like, oh, I've got a story about that guy. And you just realize that everyone thinks this guy is a piece of crap. And it's just universal. And then there's another person in the room maybe who doesn't have a story about that guy and goes, 7 people in the room that I respect are talking about another person that I respect and they all have a story about him. Where there's smoke, there's fire. So this kind of stuff really does not do well for him over time. So don't call this guy out. Leave him alone. Focus on your work. Let it speak for itself. You're not gonna regret it. It's gonna be liberating. And one day, if you're ever sitting for a pitchfork interview or whatever, and they're like, so what's the deal with James so and so? He sure talks about you a lot. You can smile and wave it off and just say something like, oh, you know, lot of interesting personalities in this racket and just leave it at that. But in the meantime, what do the kids no longer say? I'm sure bye, Felicia. Your instinct is yeah. That's probably like, oh, man, boomer slang. You just got demoted to handsome boy number 2 Yeah. For that one. Handsome boy number 3. Your instinct is spot on. It says so much about you and why you're already coming out ahead here. In the long run, being the bigger person and side stepping drama like this is always gonna serve you well. I admire your hustle, I appreciate your lens on all this, and I wish you nothing but success my dude. Good luck. You can reach us Friday atjordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Use descriptive subject lines that makes our job a lot easier. If you're finding dead squirrels in your mailbox, your neighbors are eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or you're trying to figure out how to co parent with a criminal narcissistic ex, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up at Fridayjordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, and our newsletter, We Bit Wiser, it's a bite sized gem from a past episode from us to you delivered right to your inbox once a week. It's like a 2 minute read. We don't make these things long. We want it to be shareable, digestible, it's very practical. So if you wanna keep up with the wisdom from our 1,000 plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. It's over atjordanharbinger.com/news. Okay. What's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a 27 year old chemical engineer currently working at one of the US's largest fortune 500 corporations. Last year, it funded a master's degree program for me. They paid my salary and my tuition while I attended school full time which was a pretty sick deal. I was required to sign a contract with the company stating that I would stay for at least 2 years following graduation or I would need to repay the tuition. After returning to work, I've enjoyed many parts of my role. But, I feel a bit stuck and I'm ready to move on with my career and my life. The company is located in a very small town that is family oriented and does not align with my life as a single young person. Also, the values of the corporation are draining. Recent large rounds of layoffs have generated a lack of confidence in the company's leadership and there isn't much opportunity for technical growth as the company is largely more concerned with keeping the status quo and playing it safe with its products. Innovation is not encouraged which makes the job feel a bit soul sucking. I totally get it and that's why big companies lose talented employees like you all the time. Which fair enough, that's just how big companies are. After looking for jobs in industries combating climate change, which is super exciting to me and would make me proud, I ended up receiving an offer to one of the most notable names in the industry. A huge opportunity. This company is also in a European country, and it would be a chance to live and work abroad, which is something I've always wanted to do. Oh, that sounds great. Amazing. Congratulations. This is super exciting. So the problem is the grad school money. Right? That's the issue? The problem is if I leave now, I'll be required to pay back my tuition support within 90 days of leaving the company. Oh, wow. This is a large sum, about $40,000. I can pay this money but I would need to dip into my 401 k to make it happen. I've looked into other options but I don't qualify for any loans with reasonable interest rates as I haven't built much credit. I currently don't have any debt apart from my car loan and I plan to sell my car when I move. I have a year and a half left before I can leave without owing any money. I also mentioned this to the new company and they're not willing to assist with any of the repayment. Bummer, that was definitely gonna be my first idea. If I don't take this opportunity now, I fear I may lose momentum to make such a big move as I'm approaching 30. If I find a partner in that time, I'll be less likely to want to move out of the country and have more to consider when making a career change. I know I could find other jobs, but the next opportunity will be different from this one. And there's so many positives. The industry, the company, the adventure. This could kick start a long career in this industry with even more job opportunities to follow. Should I pursue my dream at a cost? Or wait it out and potentially get stuck in a career or an industry I don't want? Am I being too impatient? How do I know when it's the right time to take a big risk that could pay off big in the end? Signed, be obstinate about moving continents or remain cognizant that it might be improvident? Great question. And look, I know how intense it is but this is champagne problem. A tough choice you're only facing because you've done so much right here, because you're a valuable candidate who's driven by purpose and curiosity and a real desire to make an impact in the world. I just wanna take a moment and appreciate how awesome that is and how well those qualities are gonna serve you in your career. So look, I can't tell you with a 100% certainty what to do here. I don't think anybody can. You have some good reasons to stay and earn out this tuition support, and you have some good reasons to take the hit and embark on this adventure. This ultimately is gonna come down to how you value all of these different variables. The value of this tuition support, the value of dodging a $40,000 hit or taking on $40 in debt, the cost of giving up this great opportunity, the upside of chasing this exciting experience. I say this a lot. All of this is ultimately informed by what you believe is most important, what matters most to you at this stage of your life. And also, your tolerance for risk, your long term goals, that's something only you can really decide. And it sounds to me like this job means a lot to you right now in a number of ways. But those ways are probably hard to quantify. It's easy to go, well, I'm gonna make x dollars a year so I can earn back the $40 in 2a half years or whatever. It's harder to say, well, working on climate change technology and going to live in Europe and meeting these kinds of people and having an adventure before I turn 30, that's worth x dollars to me or worth whatever to me. But the fact that you can't put a dollar value on those things, that might also tell you just how valuable those experiences really are to you. Yeah. Such a good point. The other thing this is gonna come down to is what kinds of opportunities you might create for yourself in this new chapter and also how you're gonna invest in yourself along the way. Because look, you could lose $40 and go have an amazing few years in Europe at a job that you love. And for one person, hit like that is absolutely worth it. And for someone else, maybe it's not worth the price. But if you go to Europe knowing that you had to give up $40 and you work really hard and you build a ton of great relationships and you create even more opportunities for yourself, I mean, I don't know. Maybe you carve out a consulting gig or you start a cool side hustle or you start speaking at climate conferences on the weekends or something or who knows, maybe you even meet your future spouse over in Europe or like you said, you get even more job opportunities down the line that pay you twice as much. Suddenly, that $40 starts to look a lot different. Maybe it stops feeling like just a liability and it starts looking more like an investment. And if you take this job and you move to Europe knowing that you invested $40,000 in yourself as opposed to just losing $40,000 that might motivate you to make the ROI as high as possible. Whether that's working harder at this job or putting in the effort to really meet people or just taking trips to cool places while you're living over there or just soaking up your new city and making sure that you really appreciate this gift that you are giving yourself. Point is, the value of this $40 to you, what it signifies to you above and beyond the dollars and cents, so much of that comes down to what you do with this new chapter. Could not agree more, Gabe. And that's even truer the higher the dollar amount is. If our friend here only had to give up 5, 10, 15 grand, it's a chunk of change. But you could just call that the cost of doing business. 40 grand, that's a lot of money. So if you're gonna give that up, you almost have to make a pact with yourself to really live your life in a way that makes it worth it. And by the way, part of the reason I'm saying that is that you don't have any other debt. So you're not gonna compromise yourself terribly by making this move. It's a privilege to be in that position. So you gotta use it wisely. So I'm leaning toward taking the job, to be honest. But if you decided to wait a year and a half, I'd understand that too. I don't think that's automatically a mistake. Like I said, $40 is still a lot of money. It's working for you right now in that 401 k in your retirement account. You're talented. This is not gonna be the last job offer you get even in Europe. But you also have to factor in your age, your life phase, your long term career goals, your freedom right now, your flexibility. Those are crucial factors. And like you said, those won't last forever. And there's something to be said for heating the call to adventure when it comes, which is really what life's about. Congrats on getting this offer. It's super exciting. It's a validation of your hard work and ability. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you value those things fully and keep growing and investing in them however you can. Good luck. You know what you won't need to dip into your retirement fund in order to afford? The fine products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by Progressive. Most of you listening right now are probably multitasking. Yep. While you're listening to me talk, you're probably also driving, cleaning, exercising, maybe doing a little grocery shopping. But if you're not in some kind of moving vehicle, there's something else you can be doing right now, getting an auto quote from Progressive Insurance. It's easy and you could save money by doing it right from your phone. 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AG1 is a daily health drink packed with nutrients to help alleviate bloating, support sustained energy and whole body health. AG one has probiotics, prebiotics, adaptogens, helps keeping things, you know, regular which I think we can all appreciate. While traveling, you can also bring AG one travel packs along and keep your daily nutritional routine in check even when your meals aren't exactly balanced. Mixed with cold water and ice and you're good to go. So this holiday season, try AG1 for yourself or even gift it to someone special. It's the perfect time to focus on supporting your body with an easy and surprisingly delicious daily health drink. And that's why we've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Every week of November, AG1 will be running a special Black Friday offer for a free gift with your 1st subscription, in addition to the welcome kit with vitamin d3k2. So make sure to check out drinkagone.com/jordan to see what gift you can get this week. That's drinkagone.com/jordan to start your holiday season off on a healthier note while supplies last. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you find our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support the amazing sponsors to make the show possible. All of the deals discount codes are all searchable and clickable at jordanharbinger.com/deals. If you need somebody to dig a little deeper, you can use our AI chatbot over atjordanharbinger.com/ai. And if that doesn't work, you can email me, jordan@jordanharbinger.com. Someone here is happy to dig up that code for you because it is that important that you support those who support the show. Alright. Back to Feedback Friday. Okay. What's next? Dear Gordon and Jabe. I've been married to my husband for a year and a half, together for 5. He is charming, funny, and romantic, and we share a lot of the same interests. But he has a dark side. He yells, screams, and criticises regularly. He disrupts plans, events, dates, emergencies, and holidays by starting fights or by being so sullen that it makes people uncomfortable. He has broken things, left me places, threatened to abandon me by quitting his job and leaving, and asked for divorces to quote show me how serious he is unquote about whatever it is he's upset about. Wow. That is not fun and super dysfunctional. I know that this is not love. It's abuse. Mhmm. I know I should leave. But I can't help but wonder if this is my fault because I find it difficult to meet his very specific needs. Specifically, when he gets upset about something I've done, he needs me to 1, repeat back or paraphrase what he said AND use the specific word he used to describe his feelings. 2, acknowledge past patterns in my behaviour and how they influence the current situation if he brings that up, which he does repeatedly. And 3, apologize by taking responsibility and saying how I will prevent this infraction in the future. Infraction? Okay. This sounds awful. This is not a husband. This is a drill sergeant in, like, a military prison who's also kind of a baby from the sound of it. That third one is extremely concerning to me. Extremely. This is not a conversation. It's not even a productive fight. It's just like, you pissed me off because I have all these triggers, and it's automatically your fault. And you need to apologize in this very specific way and tell me how you'll avoid setting me off in the future. I'm just very worried about all this. The problem is that he monologues. He talks at length and brings up so many different things that by the time it's time for me to talk, I'm turned around. I try to start by talking about the first things he brought up, but he gets angry because I need to start the other way with what he said last What? This is psycho, man. It's weird But when I do repeat back what he said he gets angry because I'm just repeating and not apologizing in the way that he's asked If what I say doesn't immediately resonate, he interrupts to tell me I'm wrong or that I'm doing it wrong Then I feel he hasn't given me a chance to say everything I wanted to. Again, this is not a conversation. This is an interrogation. This is some kind of weird North Korea style domestic reeducation programs. It's so odd. Deep down, I suspect that this is about control and moving the goal posts to induce guilt. But I have a nagging fear that he's treating me this way because I struggle to meet this need. Or, from his perspective, refuse to. Is this need totally unreasonable? Or do I need to hone my active listening skills? What responsibility do I have to meet his needs as a wife? And what responsibility does he have to meet his own needs for acknowledgment and validation? Signed taken aback that I'm catching flack from my chap because I guess I don't have a knack for parroting back. Man, I'm not even in this marriage and I'm sweating over here. This is so concerning. So stressful. First of all, I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. As you can tell, I'm having a very strong reaction to your letter. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes. Awful. What you're describing sounds, yeah, insanely stressful, as Gabe mentioned. Suffocating, unsettling. I could go on. Basically, this is a nightmare. This is not a healthy, respectful, high functioning relationship. So, no, this need of your husband's, whatever, it's not reasonable at all. I'm not even sure that it's a legitimate need. I mean, it's a need in the sense that he feels he needs it, I guess, but he obviously has some deeper need for security, respect, control. But it's not a legitimate need in the sense that he's not bringing it to you like, hey. I think I need this deeper thing. Reassurance, understanding, empathy, whatever it is. And I'd like to explore that with you. This is a bizarre set of demands. It's bullying. It's manipulation. It's domination. This is him kinda downloading all his fears and anxieties onto you in the form of these monologues that sound like they're designed to make him feel safe and powerful and cared for. They're not designed to help you help him work on himself or bring you 2 closer. So, no, you don't need to hone your active listening skills. I'm kind of, I don't mean to laugh, but it's almost like ridiculous that that's one of the the options. This is not a failure of listening. This is a natural response to some weirdo ranting at you incoherently for an hour and a half and then expecting you to pair it back what they say word for word in the exact right order, looking for you to slip up so that he can yell at you for doing it wrong. I mean, could you listen better? Could you say mhmm and chime in along the way? Could you take notes on what he's saying so you don't miss any points? Sure. But something tells me that that wouldn't satisfy him either. In fact, it might even piss him off more if you perfectly respond to every single point he makes and then he needs to look for other reasons to get mad at you, which is what's going on here. Yeah. This guy's not looking for you to be a better listener. I'm afraid that what he's looking for is an object for his rage and his anxiety and to your point, perhaps a mechanism for control. And I'm getting the sense that that will never end even if you are quote unquote perfect, whatever that means. So your question is a really good one. What responsibility do I have to meet his needs as a wife? And what responsibility does he have to meet his own needs for acknowledgment and validation? Well, again, those specific needs and the way he's going about getting them met, they're not entirely legitimate. There's a difference between going to your partner and saying, hey. I'm feeling a little uneasy. I'm feeling unappreciated. I'm feeling lonely. Whatever you might be going through, can we talk about it? I could use some support right now. There's a difference between that and going, sit down and listen to me rant about how unacknowledged and disrespected I feel, and then tell me how you're gonna avoid making me feel that way ever again, and do it in the exact way that I want, or you'll be failing me as a wife. Also, even if those were somehow legitimate needs of his, it is not her job to protect him from feeling difficult feelings ever again. It's just not. No. And even if she were somehow doing certain things to trigger him, at some point it's on him to go, okay, why does this upset me so much? It's like, it's not your wife's fault, you turd. The call is coming from inside the house, the unstable petulant house. I think it probably is in his case and God knows why that is. I mean Yeah. This this worries me. I mean, you know, she said that he's loving and funny and romantic and then he also has this other side. In a certain way, that doesn't make it better. That makes it worse. It's more confusing to me. I have to imagine that there's some kind of trauma in his past to cause these two halves of his personality to take turns. And or personality disorder caused by said trauma, for sure. So my take is, yeah, he has the primary responsibility to meet his own needs for acknowledgment, for validation. You can only support him in that. But more importantly, he has a responsibility to investigate why those needs of his are so profound and why he thinks this is the way to get them met. Therapy? Therapy. But I'm not sure that this guy is gonna go to therapy. Yeah. I have my doubts as well, and I'm not sure he's gonna even appreciate hearing, hey, man. You're out of control, and you have some serious wounds to address. Get thee to a therapist's office from his wife who he obviously doesn't respect. No. But she can say, I think you're looking for something that I can't quite give you. You're also making it really hard for me to give it to you in a way that's fair and that honestly makes sense to me. So if you wanna have a real conversation where we both get to talk, I'm here for that. If you wanna yell at me for 90 minutes and then demand that I apologize for letting you down over and over again, I'm not really interested in that anymore. What I am open to is talking about what makes you angry, why you get so angry, why you're relating to me like this, how I can help you find the acknowledgement that you're looking for. That's a different conversation. Of course, that's the message. But again, I just don't see this guy responding to that very well and I imagine that would be super scary for her. I totally get that. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, but that is a fair response. I think she can also consider having this conversation with him when he's not in these moods. You know, maybe when he's in his fun and sweet and romantic mood, she can say, hey. Can we talk about how we talk when things get difficult? Maybe that's easier then. You know when you become a psycho and everyone hates you? Don't say that. Don't lead with psycho. But Yeah. It's an interesting question. When do you bring this up? I hear that. But I'm I'm I'm a little worried about what might happen if she stops playing along with his nonsense. She hasn't said anything about physical abuse. I'm hoping that's not part of this guy's MO. But at a minimum, I suspect that these monologues and interrogations are only gonna increase when she stops participating. Probably. And how he responds is gonna tell her if he's open whatsoever to trying things in a new way. You know, I suspect not, but it would be really good for her to know that for sure before she decides what to do. Let's also remember that this is not just about these monologues. He screams at her, he criticizes her, he ruins parties and holidays by sulking and starting fights. He throws stuff around the house, he ditches her in public, He threatens to leave her. I mean, that's more than just being suffocating and needy. There's something very wrong here. That's what I'm saying. This guy is out of control, and he's causing a lot of pain and chaos. And I think that she's right that this is probably about control and moving the goal posts to make her feel guilty. Although, it probably goes way deeper than that. You don't do this to your partner unless you're deeply insecure and in a lot of pain yourself. That is what he needs to address. But it is not your job to address it for him or to cramp around his wounds or do all these freaking gymnastics to make him feel safe and in control. Full stop. So it's up to you to decide whether you wanna leave. If I were in your shoes, I probably would, especially if I had no evidence that this guy's willing to work on any of this stuff. I just don't see how staying in this marriage is sustainable, fair to you, etcetera. But if you leave, please do so safely. Extricating yourself from a partner like this can be very tricky. We talked about this a few weeks ago. Listeners write in with this all the time. The most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when they are leaving. So you're gonna need a solid plan. You're gonna need some good support from friends and family. We're gonna link to some good resources in the show notes for you. Please check them out as you weigh your options. We're sending you a big hug. Take good care of yourself. We're rooting for you. Gabe, what'd you think of that response? Yeah. I mean, I think it was No. No. No. No. Start from the last thing I said and work your way back to the beginning. Say it exactly how I said it. Yeah. Exactly. In iambic pentameter while you're at it. Iambic pentameter. Why did we spend any time learning that in school? Can you what is the rationale for me? Like a real non English minor right there. Good lord. Alright. And now for recommendation of the week. My recommendation of the week is a documentary called Sour Grapes. Man. Okay. So this guy, this Indonesian guy, it's about wine. Look. I know you're like, I don't care about wine. Trust me. This is interesting even if you don't care about wine because I don't care about wine. This is a guy from Indonesia, and suddenly he shows up in the wine scene here, I think, in Silicon Valley slash California. And he starts spending 1,000,000 or even tens of 1,000,000 of dollars on rare wines and wine collections. And he's hanging out with all these super wealthy and famous Hollywood people and drinking a $100,000 worth of wine at these dinners they have every every month or every 2 weeks or whatever it is. And he just changes the market for wine. And suddenly people are like, how is this guy getting access to all this money? How is he getting access to all this wine? And it turns out to be this massive scam. And this guy is not only counterfeiting some of the wines, but the money source is obviously dubious and sketchy. It is fascinating. If you like counterfeiting, true crime, kind of fakes and forgeries and that kind of stuff, this documentary is for you. It's called Sour Grapes. I watched it on Netflix. I don't think it's there anymore, but it looks like it's streaming on other services possibly even for free. So we're gonna link to that in the show notes. It's one of those things where you go, I don't care about this and people are like, no. No. No. Trust me. And I'm doing that same thing to you right now. Doesn't matter. Forget that it's about wine if you don't care about wine. If you do care about wine, you're gonna be in love with this documentary. It's fascinating. I've heard about this documentary. It sounds pretty amazing. I've been meaning to watch it for a while, so I'm gonna add that to my playlist. The combination between some sort of high end product like wine, forgeries, fraud, and embezzlement or whatever the there's just a lot of crime going on in one place, and it the way that he did it was fascinating. And the amount of people that he duped was also kind of comical. It's hard to feel sympathetic for these guys with $500,000,000 drinking Swill and being like, oh, this is amazing. Look at the notes of cherry, and you're just like, bro, you're drinking something from a sink. But, anyway, in case y'all didn't know, there's a subreddit for our show if you wanna jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes or anything having to do with the show. For example, Jordan's new moniker is number 1. What was it? Handsome Boy number 1? Handsome Boy number 1. That's right. We've gotta figure out a way to change my flare from whatever it is now to handsome boy number 1. Oh, our amazing listener who creates the flares on the subreddit, can you make a new one called handsome boy number 1? And can you give it to me, or do I have to select? I don't know how any of that stuff works on Reddit, unfortunately. But if there's an episode you like, you wanna talk about the episodes or talk to other show fans, find us in the Jordan Harbinger subreddit and we'll see you there. Alright. What's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I recently and unexpectedly lost my mother and I'm deep in grief. It was a big loss for many as she was involved in many charities and clubs around her interests and her disease. My mother suffered with rheumatoid arthritis for over 45 years, but she never let it stop her from achieving and supporting those she loved. Oh, man. I'm so sorry to hear this. Your mom sounds like a remarkable woman, and that's tough. Now in the wake of her loss, I find myself wanting to honor her spirit by paying forward the love and support she gave me as well as the support of the wide network of friends and family she built for me. I'm not interested in any grand plans like starting an organization, but I'm looking for small actions with big impacts like my mother had on so many people. Can you suggest any ways of turning this lemon into lemonade? How can I take this dark moment of my life and use it to lighten others? Signed, moving through morning by paying it forward. It's interesting. I was just talking with you, Gabe, about my dad. He had a pretty bad fall a couple weeks ago, and last week, he had hip replacement surgery. And the whole thing just really brought to life the fact that my parents you know, they're getting up there. They're in their eighties. And it's such a strange experience, me and middle age, to watch your parents get old and to know that eventually we're all gonna have to say goodbye to them. And I look, I hope it doesn't happen for a while, but obviously it's on my mind. It's a sad thought. It's really intense. So I'm sorry that you had to say goodbye to your mom. Like I said, clearly an awesome woman who made a huge impact in the world. And I love that you want to embody these awesome qualities of hers. That's an amazing way to honor your mom, to show up in the world the way that she did. And it also tells me she was a great parent and raised you to be a solid human being as well. So I hear you that you don't wanna start a big nonprofit or do anything huge. That is totally fine. I think oftentimes the most meaningful gestures are the small ones, the quiet, the intentional ones. We don't have to be career philanthropists to make an impact. So first of all, there are some simple ways to give back to the RA community the way your mom did. You could connect with other people who live with RA. You could attend or even run an online support group. You could volunteer for a local arthritis charity. You could raise money from friends and family for 1. Raise awareness in your circles. I also did some quick googling on this and a cool idea I read about was creating a small care package or comfort kit for people dealing with chronic pain. Apparently, that can mean a lot to people. The other thing you can do is create a couple small rituals or traditions inspired by your mom. So if she had a favorite charity, an annual event, or a certain way of helping that was uniquely hers, even if it's just the way she conducted herself at these charity events, or the way she talked to people, or the way she listened. You could continue those traditions, make those a part of your life. Another way you can honor her, sort of a 6 minute networking inspired idea, can you connect people the way your mom did? Maybe you can introduce people in the communities that she moved through, kick off some new relationships. You could start a new community if it's not too heavy of a lift, or just look for ways to bring people together in all areas of your life the way that your mom probably did. I also think that anyone going through grief is kind of an expert in grief, and you can help other people who are mourning. Again, this doesn't need to be a formal thing. Your empathy, your insight, your availability to people who have lost someone, it's super powerful, and it doesn't require you to start a formal grief charity. We learn from one another's stories especially when it comes to loss. And every time you make time for somebody who's going through it, you're gonna be kinda connecting with your mom. Honoring her memory really. Sharing her spirit with people. Yeah. I love all of that, Jordan. I think that's what honoring somebody's memory ultimately comes down to in the end. Right? It's just like embodying the best parts of them and telling their story. I've been thinking about this a lot lately too, just how we keep people alive. It's funny. Sometimes I'll I'll do some ridiculous bit with my sister or and my family will host a dinner together and I'll just be like, oh man, there's my grandma. It's like she's right here, you know? Or I don't know, you know, you give somebody an extra big hug or you make a certain gesture. You feel like you move your hand in a certain way or you arch your eyebrow in a certain way and I'm just like oh yeah, there's my grandfather, you know, there's my dad who's still alive but it's like so funny to notice these qualities popping up in you I was thinking about this this morning too because I worked out at home I didn't go to yoga And a lot of the time when I work out, I think about my grandma, my mom's mom, who until she was very old, this lady worked out every single day. So these rituals, these values, they don't necessarily need to be around philanthropy per se. They can also just be about the way your mom lived her life, the way she saw the world. Like Jordan said, how she treated people, how she laughed, you know, what she found interesting or moving or funny. I think that's a great way to celebrate somebody, and that can make a huge impact on other people too. Agreed, Gabe. I love that. So I hope that gives you some ideas for how to keep your mom's memory alive. But I gotta say, the fact that you're asking this question at all, that you're moved to do something meaningful for her, that tells me you're already honoring her. And I'm very confident she's gonna live on in big ways and in small ways, especially the small ways. I totally agree. Just keep her close to your heart, and she'll stick around. I promise you that. Go back and check out Mike Rowe on our skeptical Sunday on food packaging if you haven't done so yet. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network. The circle of people I know, like, and trust. And I'm teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself. It's our 6 minute networking course. The course is free. I don't need your credit card number. It's not gross or schmoozy. You can find it on the Thinkific platform at 6 minute networking dot com. The drills take a few minutes a day. You can binge the course. Dig that well before you get thirsty folks. Build relationships before you need them. You can find all that again for free over at 6 minute networking dot com. Show notes and transcripts are on the website, advertisers, discounts, ways to support the show, all atjordanharbinger.com/deals. I'm atjordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogerty, of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own and, yeah, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing things you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show about a guy born into the world of organized crime who spent much of his life as an enforcer for the Italian mafia. So I'm in the club, and I'm putting so many envelopes together. This guy walks in. So I get up. I said, excuse me. Can I help you? He said, I wanna talk to you. He pulled out a gun. I still got the first car right over here. This guy beat me so bad. I don't even know how I made it back downtown. I was crawling out of the place. Literally, I was crawling out of the place. And I remember him saying, you come back here, your mother's gonna have to have a closed coffin for you. I'm gonna blow your f**king head off. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do that. Diaz, my cousin takes me home from the hospital about 5, 6 days later. They told me who this guy was. And when they seen Joey d, we went to the basement, all weapons. His family were gun runners. I mean, if you want the b 52 bomb hit, they'll get you in 3 days. They'll have her at your doorstep. I mean, they have bazookas. They had hand grenade. They had stuff like you never saw. He goes to me, pick out something. I take them to Cousins Court, and I drive to Third Avenue, and I park right in front of the place. There's a parking space. I got the gun on my waistband. I go to go in and Dukey the bartender. She goes, what are you doing here? I says, don't worry about it. I said, don't worry about it. I said, don't worry about it. I said, I wanna talk to him. I figured I was really talking. When I walked through and I turned around, I seen him. He had his back to me. And he was talking to this girl, Karen Schooley. I'll never forget Karen. The music goes down, and I hear her tell him. She says, Anthony's behind you. For whatever the reason, before she said it, I had the gun in my hand. This guy gets up. What did I tell you, you dirty mother You must have a closed coffee. I'm gonna blow you up in hell. He opens his jacket, and I seen the gun in his waist, but he puts his hand on it. I just picked up my hand like this and emptied the whole clip into him. Joe called, give him a drink. He gives me a 7 and 7. Look. Look at this kid. He goes, he just killed somebody. He's sitting there killing the cucumber. For more with former mafia enforcer Anthony Raimondi, including the many creative ways mobsters have gotten rid of bodies over the years, check out episode 425 on the Jordan Harbinger show. It's the day of your party and you've just discovered all the nibbles you've been putting away have vanished. Everyone denies it. What do you do? A, tell your guests the dog ate them. B, declare Christmas is cancelled. Or c, keep calm. Because you can now get your Dunstor's groceries delivered in as little as an hour by buy me. Just order straight from the Dunstor's app. What's more, delivery on your first four orders is free. And next time, hide everything. Minimum spend ?30. Delivery charges apply. Select the delivery areas only, subject to availability.
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