Don't Follow Your Dreams. Age With Your Interests!

Transcript

Welcome to Crowe Classics. I'm your host, Supervaya and Giovanny. This is the podcast we play the best moments highlights and fans like the clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a separate podcast feed titled Crowe Classics. The ad free archive is exclusively available through Adam Carolla's Substack. Make sure to check out adamCarolla.substack.com where you can also get access to Beat It Out, the brand new show currently featuring Adam and Jay Moore. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us, classics at adamcorla.com. Coming 1st day, we have Adam Carolla Show 774 featuring Debbie Gibson, Alison Rosen, and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2012. And now he would have had an electric youth, but his mom couldn't pay the utility bill. Adam Carolla. Yeah. Get it on. Chris Maxilak has no idea what you're talking about. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandy, get it on. Could be reunited with my, celebrity apprentice pal, Debbie Gibson, coming in here. Good day, Bob Brian. Who's wiping Allison tonight? Cranston. He's a great guy, ain't he? Love him. Love me some Cranston. Much as I love Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth perfume, which I owned. Really? I wish I still had it and I could smell like it tonight and see if she could guess what I smell like. Wow. I thought she wipes me. My wife did too. We talked about it on the way in. There's the blue little blue thing or whatever. Is it some blue container? Yeah. It had some cool atomizer with, like, a squiggle inside. Because the eighties were all about squiggles. Oh, it's the greatest thing ever. Whenever I watch, like, late night HBO Showtime, whatever, and it's like, hot upcoming comedians from 1987. Laine Bizler covered in the swirls. Right. And then they show Yes. They show the stage. It's always just random neon bars going weird and it's the same it's it's a Nagel painting. Yes. It's all it's it's a turquoise and a sort of a pink and a and an orange and it's just like not lightning bolts and not letters. It's just a sort of Geometric. It's like throwing it nuts with a protractor. And then there's a black guy wearing a sweater that's doing about the same thing. Yes. What happened to us? I don't know. We pulled shoulder pads out of cans. And we we were so festive at it that we even f**ked black dudes up. Because normally, we can't get black dudes to go along with this kind of tomfoolery. I had a giant cordless phone that was like the size of a shoebox, because that's what cordless phones were. And I took permanent pens and drew squiggles on it. Yeah. It's just I squiggled it. When you watch the beginning of Saved by the Bell, that is the eighties even if that was 92. It was like it's just a it's just weird squiggles, weird electric squiggles. Yeah. Let's find out from David Gibson what the f**k. It's a weird it's also weird thing too where neon first shows up in the twenties and we're enamored with it. Like, oh, there's all these old drinking establishments in Las Vegas in the forties fifties and all that. You know, maybe neon is I I neon is probably from the late twenties, mid thirties, something like that. Then we completely forget about neon. Like all the way through the sixties, seventies, no one wants anything to do with neon. Seventies, no neon. Which is weird because seventies was not a tasteful time. Right. But no neon. I know roller boogie but no neon. Then all of a sudden 84 comes around. Pow. Where's our neon? And you're like, what shape do you want in it? No shape. But don't you want a guy smoking a cigarette leaning against the Las Vegas? No. No shape. Give us your scrap neon. Yeah. Exactly. Just the straight pieces you cut off. We'll have them go in different directions. Yeah. Spare me one and I'll make a broach out of it. Yeah. There's a very, a very I think there's like a Whitney Houston video that was very Yeah. A Whitney Houston video. 88 Baker's dozen. Alright. In addition to the squiggles, we also like to acid wash our own jeans Yeah. With the red dye. Yeah. I never did anything. I didn't have enough money or enough time. And I somehow knew quietly would come back to haunt me. I never I never had a look. I never cultivated anything. You were in an age no better though. Allison and I, my wife, was way too young. Yes. Allison and I were way too young to be. This is awesome. Neon everywhere. We had to chill out. Speaking of good. We're speaking of good? No. No. Let's get on to good, though. Alright. Let's get on to good Subway. They got the freshest breakfast sandwiches and the freshest town. I love me a Subway breakfast sandwich. I dig the breakfast sandwich. And not only that, but they got a little thing going on. They got talent from NYU and USC. Brian, fire up the band, buddy. Mhmm. Watch this. Thank you. Watch the subway fresh artist film series at subwayfreshartist.com and join the conversation on Twitter with hashtag subway fresh artist. Let's see. Fire up the band again. They're like short films. Right? They're like Yeah. Like a short filmmaker series. Mhmm. It's pretty cool stuff. All the things you're into. Sometimes they plan the beginning of movies. You know what I mean? Like, here's a short film from the USC, NYU, Subway. You what I mean? And it's always sometimes, we're entertaining the film. Subway is, yeah. I find that Yeah. Find that well, the film stinks, and it's a 100 minutes long. Yeah. Then the short one's always gonna be back. The short's over in 90 seconds. Subway screening the films at South by Southwest next Monday on 12th, and, the stand the, sandwiches, the steak and egg whites and cheese or the, Sunrise Subway melt with the green peppers and the onions. Love that green I loved cooked onions and cooked green peppers. Raw, cooked, fantabulous. They got the $3 combo and the 6 inch breakfast sandwich and the 16 16 ounce coffee. You know what I like about coffee? Everyone got on coffee. Like, it used to just be, Oh, yeah. You go to Starbucks and get good coffee and everywhere else was like, TS, you get what we give you. Now everyone goes, you know what? We do good coffee. We gotta keep up with the Joneses. Subway, no exception. And, and or the 21 ounce fountain drink. Build your better breakfast at Subway. That's Subway. Alright. Where the heck yeah. Thank you. Where were we? To the readers all. Yeah. Appreciate it. We went from squiggles to steak and egg whites, which is making me hungry. Subway, I like the steak and egg whites, and I like yeah. Alright. So, I had a fun fun time with my daughter, tonight. We, we wrestled, then we danced to Adele. Wow. And then, we ate tacos. And at some point, she jumped up from the table and was going, it's sort of like saw a mouse, but it wasn't sure. She bit her tongue, like, what was going on that she was hanging her tongue out of her mouth, and she's, it was her first jalapeno experience. She bit into something. There's something in the guacamole. It's funny. Gringo. It it's Yeah. It's sort of like feeding your dog peanut butter or something. It's just kinda funny to watch them. Mhmm. You know, there's nothing Too bad you weren't filming it. You could go viral. Yeah. Nothing nothing, you know, there's no permanent scarring here. There's just, there's just her jumping up and down and their tongue out in excruciating pain, but but just it's momentary pain. Mhmm. The psychologically yeah. Psychologically scarring, but not physically scarring. And she's just jumping up and down. And she's, you know, she's doing You feel like pawing at her tongue? Yeah. Like like with cartoons, you know, like fanning her tongue and sticking her tongue out. And, I was just sort of standing there laughing and Olga, the nanny, did this thing that was so LA, grabbed for a cup that was like just sort of sitting on the island. Called her publicist. Put it put it under the sink and started filling it with water to douse the flames then quickly dump the water out, just rinsed it and then put it under the filtered one and filter so that no municipal water could touch her tongue. Right. It had to be even when her tongue was on fire, she had to get filtered water on. Yeah. So it was fun to watch her jump up and down and then later on, put an ice cube on it. And I enjoyed it because, she's oftentimes mean to daddy. Well, you may have missed this fumbling opportunity like Allison said, but there's still horseradish. You want wasabi? Something horseradish based? That's a fun thing. Pong at her nose because that's something on your sinusitis. It was fun. I you know, the one one thing I miss about being poor is paying my friends, like, $10 or $20 to do stupid things. You know, now it costs more. That's how much now? Well, you know, it's one of these things where it's usually it probably breaks down about 2 hours worth of your work. Right. So if they know you're making good money, it's not as good. Mhmm. At work. Sort of like how the ring should be 2 months' salary. Yeah. Yeah. The Frank should be 2 hours' salary. Well, it's kinda based on, like, if Mark Cuban said, I'll give you $10 to eat that dog food. It'd be like, $10. You're Mark Cuban. You know? But if just a you know, if Ozzy did it, my Ozzy, Nicaraguan Ozzy, it'd be like, you think about it. Or if a homeless man offered you his 40. Right. Wow. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. That's or Ozzy offered you 20 of his 40 or $20. Either either combination. He'd offer you 20 in order to to have your dog food? Right. I'll give you $20 of my dog food. You'd probably make it good if you pound it in a flap steak. So, Ray, once, we got to eat the ball, you know, the ice cream scooper ball, the melon ball of wasabi. This was $10. Ate the whole ball. Then what happened? Just fun. Just watch. Just you've never seen a guy eat, you know, what would be what would be, like, a large strawberry full of, you know, size of wasabi? I've also never seen a guy throw feces at someone's ear. He actually didn't throw it at my ear. He actually slapped it into my ear. That's what he meant. Okay. He placed it there. Yeah. It was, it wasn't it was not a throwing motion. Well, it was a throwing motion, but it connected. He mashed. Yeah. Yeah. Mhmm. Mhmm. It was a it was a Slam dunked. It was a it was a Spiked. It was a s**t b***h slap. You know, it was like going upside somebody's head. Mhmm. You know you know what I mean? The Deacon Jones is just like a Yeah. Deacon Jones used to do to get around a defensive or offensive tackle. You know what I mean? It's just a head slap. In a sense, he tagged you. Mhmm. I was tagged. Alright. So, Debbie's here. We'll bring her in in a moment. We'll do some, what's the news? Electric news. You got the news ready. I do. We got an evening with, me and, oh oh, yeah. Should we hear it? Should we hear? I it's it's the greatest thing ever, and I want full credit for this because this didn't exist until I started screaming about it. And now now it's not gonna be too gonna go. Yeah. Atkins' flood of breaking arms was 2 purposes. 1 was to give myself an initial head start on the fast rush. In other words, a extra step. Because anytime you go a man's head or a woman, they may have a tendency to blink their eyes or close their eyes and that was all I needed. Dan, Deacon Jones Alright. Was a defensive end The purpose was to fulfill 2 mission. Is to get initial step and to get them to blink the eye. Because anytime you go upside a man's head oh, woman. Now, if he said man or woman's head, it still would have been better than a man's head, pause, or woman. I mean, because this is not you just doing that fair and balanced thing. No. And I've said, I would there's a part because you guys don't remember the seventies, but everyone had it drilled into their f**king bean where you'd go, all I want out of an airplane pilot is I want him to be competent and I want him to be sober, him, him, there's always some c**t next to you going, he looked like B. Arthur going, him, and you're like, oh, okay, he or she, he or she, even though there wasn't any female airline pilots at the time, or if you talked about astronauts or airline, he's like, I just want I the president, I think he should be strong, I think he should be fair. He? He or she even though Thank you. It was 1972 and there's still never been a female president and there wasn't any before that. You still had it or some b***h saying he or okay. Or Lord God in his infinite wisdom. His Yeah. Or her. Right. Right. There was a there was a lot of that. There's a lot of that. Wouldn't you guys find it annoying if you're sitting around going, oh my god. My friend had such a menstrual flow the other day. She she she did? Your friend? Was it a he, he or she? He? He. Mhmm. My friend. So He or she. But he stopped. He stopped and said a man's head, and then he said or a woman. As though we've been tripped up before. He was like, he made that mistake before. Yeah. And then went on to say they blink momentarily. I gotta air it one more time. I have to. It's the best ever. It's the greatest thing ever. It is the greatest clip ever. Of the Deacon Jones head slap. The head slap was to do two purposes. 1 was to give myself an initial head start on the fast rush. In other words, a extra step. Because anytime you go outside a man's head or a woman, then they have a tendency to blink their eyes or close their eyes, and that was all I need. That's all we need to know. It's insane because he's talking about his NFL career. Nothing else. Yep. There's not one woman in the league. No. It's But you could use the same strategy if there were. It's the great it is the greatest thing ever. And, I'm taking full credit because this thing sat around for 30 years and no one said a f**king word, and I was sitting home one night about 5, 6 years ago just drunk on my red wine watching, like, the greatest sports legends or something. I was like, or a woman. And I went into, the radio show and started screaming about it. It is the greatest ever. Alright. Speaking of the greatest ever, an evening with, that's Mexican for me and the great Dennis Prager available now on Itunes. Finally got it up. You can get it at, our site if you like, but, also, iTunes as well. It is 2 and a half hours of, thought provoking conversation. We have a little clip for you, a little snippet on, happiness. This is Dennis's thing. It's not my thing, but on the importance of, being happy. Dennis makes a point on on his show that you owe it to those around you to be happy. It's very selfish to be unhappy. That's right. No. Thank you. And it means it means a lot to me that you've got that and said it, and it means a lot to me that you applauded because I am very big on that that we owe it to act happy to the people around us. Right. That that is a huge, huge message. I agree. And and a a lot of people will say, well, if it's false, who cares? But I don't know it if I'm just traveling through LAX. Yes. And you're checking my ID Yes. And you appear to be walking on sunshine. It's not like I climb onto the plane and say the guy next to me, you know, I think that chick was full of s**t. That's great. That's great. I happen to know that was that was just a the mask of, but there was tears behind that clown's mask. I don't care. And as a matter of fact That's right. Going from, you know, micro to macro, I wish the whole Middle East would act happy even if they were miserable. Wouldn't it be nice? Yeah. Look, you you know, but when I do my happiness hour, my opening is it's the happy make the world better, the unhappy make it worse. It's just a fact. And, I I know some I have some wonderful Muslims, obviously there are there is There are bad Christians, bad Jews, bad Muslims, good people in every group. Nevertheless, what you just said has truth, and I would say this up in front of an all Muslim audience. Muslims, at least religious Muslims today, do not evince joie de vivre. Is that a fair is that a fair comment? That that author they wanted to kill? Well, there you go. Me and Dennis Prager riffing it on stage. Yeah. Being happy, especially, you owe it to your coworkers, but your kids, man. Yeah. Oh, the kids. I had bummed out parents and it bothered the s**t out of me. Were your parents happy, Paul Brian? Yeah. You know, we talked about this before. My parents didn't really because so I can't participate in the tales from the cheap. Because my parents a great job of not I don't want to say masking, but doing a lot with what they had, which wasn't much. You know, we're solidly middle to lower middle class, but I never was aware of our limitations. I mean, it was just was everything I thought I wanted, I had. And everything I wanted, but, I mean, I was just a happy kid. But, when in some of it is your own wiring, but, material whatever side, just the way they treated each other, the way they treated you. Yes. Is screwing around, joking around, dancing, you know, being silly. The the things that you do, the sort of physical displays of happiness, you know, cheering when your team scored or something like that. Yes. All of that. I wonder if sports fans are happier. I mean, I mean, it's When are their teams winning? Yeah. I mean, they're winning. There was never any no one liked any teams in my in my house. There was nothing there weren't fans of anything. Right. You know? And I guess part of not being happy is not being a fan of anything because then you can't be excited when, oh, so and so's in town and they're in concert. When you're depressed, you have there's nothing left to have any feeling about anything. So it sounds like that's Yeah. That's what it was. Just just just a big gray cloud. Well, how about your parents? My my dad had moments of silliness and moments of drunkenness. Oh. And my mom does not have emotions. Well, no. She's anxious, and she's she worry. They're big warriors. They they didn't have a lot of joy. They had silliness sometimes. The worrying is another it it's it's it's it's a way to show that you care, but it's also a way to get make your kid neurotic. Yeah. No. I mean, if someone came in with great news, you could sustain the excitement for, like, a minute before people would start poking holes in it by thinking about everything you need to worry about about it. I mean, very very crazy. Kinda dewy. Sure. Yeah. But because there's a sort of a, you're gonna hex it. Like Yeah. It's funny because the Jews are not ultra they're not religious or as religious as as a lot of folks. They're not oh, you're sitting around waiting for the rapture all day and, you know, thumping a Bible, but they do have a knock on wood. Right. Oh, no. No. Don't start bragging about this. Yeah. There's the sense of, like, let's not have it. Let's not have dumb happiness that's gonna make us, stop thinking about, natural predators like the rest of the world. Yeah. No. There's a thing of if you come back from the doctor and say your fit is a fiddle, you shouldn't be bragging about it. Right. Because throws all over your shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. You knock on something or do something. Don't be bragging about how how how how great shape you're in because now you're setting yourself up for it's it's it's a superstitious it's probably it's a managing of expectations Yeah. All the time. Yeah. Yeah. It's a it's it's it's it's perfect. It's also it's like not wanting to make yourself a target by being to anything. Yeah. I've I've I've started saying it in my act, which is my the only Jew in my family was was my grandfather, and he would he would remember, he was perfect because he he said, he'd he'd tell me, he he kept wanting. I I finally told him I was making a lot of money at some point, and, and I said, I'm making a lot of money in Hollywood right even before he died. And he was like, what? You aren't? I said, yeah. And he said, are you making $1,000,000? And I said, no. I'm not I made $540,000 or something. I said, no. I'm not making a million. But the next year, I made a $1,000,000. And he was he loved the bejesus out of me. I mean, he was he if if this was a a a race, a loving race, he would come in first by I mean, everyone else was, like, had been hobbled, by by Bates, you know. Secretariat. Yeah. I mean, he just he was just opening up lengths in front of everyone. Make everyone else was just depressed and off in their own world, and he loved the bejesus out of me. I didn't know what you're getting at it first, so I apologize. My parents were, for parents, were fun as s**t. They're really fun, and they were silly, and I was joking around. So, in that respect, yes, was raised in a very, not loose. They were they were parents, but you know what I mean? But sort of but it was a fun household. I like that. No. That's like, hey, we're alive and we're happy. We're happy you're alive too, and this is good and you're blessing and we're glad you're under our roof together. And I like that. That's so foreign to what I grew up with. Yeah. Well I'm envious. Yeah. No. I know that you don't. You didn't do that either. Yeah. It's good times. Alright. Should we do, a little bit o news and then we'll bring in, the great Debbie Gibson? The news with Alison Rosen. She'll read some news from her. I've had some time that's good, sometimes it's bad. Super Tuesday results came in, and it was a a fairly close race, which means it's gonna be a long primary season. Because, oftentimes, people know who it's going to be after Super Tuesday, but not this one. So I would say I'm gonna downgrade it to Okay Tuesday. Yeah. Romney won Alaska, Idaho, Massachusetts, Ohio. Ohio by, like, they're saying a razor thin margin. Vermont and Virginia, Santorum The thin part of the razor or the wide part of the razor? Because, you know, razors, they get wide and then Yeah. The I think the cap, actually. Oh, you mean the kind of razor you'd use to, like, cut up cocaine or, like, a disposable, like a twin blade? Cocaine. Okay. That kind. But in the thin part of the razor? Yeah. Not the width? No. Okay. Okay. Gotcha. The edge. The cutting part. Oh, that's tight. That is tight. Now that's tight. Cutters margin. Yeah. That's tight. Little more dull. Box cutter would be more dull. A little bit of a razor in there. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Santorum won North Dakota, Oklahoma, and Tennessee, and Gingrich won Georgia, and Ron Paul won nothing. Just not ready for Ron Paul. Like, just not ready for him. No. Will he still be around when the world is ready for him? No. No. But I feel like we can reanimate him. Get him and Disney on the same ticket. Smart. Yeah. Mhmm. Ted Williams is a good guy. Williams. Yeah. Like the ball of the park. Mhmm. If you had enough money, would you have your head frozen so they can bring you back just like Walt Disney? I you know, there's this thing where, you know, first off, I think of the fans. Do it for us. You just like you owe it to us to be happy. You owe it to us to be frozen. I you know, there's that you can't think like a dead person. You can only think like a a an alive person who's dead, which never works. Like, I don't wanna be laying there staring at the inside of my coffin for eternity, hungry, having to take a piss, or s**t myself. Means uncomfortable clothes, please. Oh, yeah. Like, and what if your a*s itches and you can't get kicked in? God. Yeah. Put Yeah. Now Preparation. Notivo and the sling box. No. Gary's gonna f**k up the sling box. So the you you have those kind of thoughts, and then you realize, oh, no. It'll be nothing. Mhmm. And then you think, you know, whenever we've had our surgeries and we've been put under, that moment between the time the guy tells you start counting backwards and that point where you're in another room and someone is saying your name and it's a little bit echoey, that little point, that'll be what it's like. And I don't need to come back from that. That nothingness? That that's that I don't need to come back from. Sitting here and thinking about that, I need to come back from, but that I don't need to come back from. I feel robbed. I didn't get the counting back, and I didn't get anyone saying my name. I got just, nothing. Mhmm. And then I felt like I was being moved, and then I was in pain. That's it. It was like I felt them shuffling me onto some other table. Oh, yeah. I didn't wanna go back and have them do it again. Yeah. Tell them to do the count backwards thing. Yeah. I wanted the count backwards. I wanted to be, like, you guys, I only got to 97 Yeah. Or whatever they say. Yeah. That's as far as people get. Why an embarrassing moment when they did the count backwards, and I was, like, well, 199, 98. And they said, well, we haven't drugged you yet. But it was still having difficult. I slowed down around 90. Right. You know? Yeah. I'd been practicing. I brought a laminate, but they're just f**king with me. Mhmm. So the video that Andrew Breitbart was evidently going to release, the one that makes the the damning Obama video that makes people think that this is why, you know, conspiracy theorist, why he was eliminated, looks to have come out Mhmm. And just when he was in in college. Mhmm. Mhmm. But he's talking on behalf of Derek Bell, who was an academic tied to Jeremiah Wright Mhmm. Jeremiah Wright. Anyway, here it goes. It's, I find it not as that damn. Open up your hearts and your minds to the words of professor Derek Bell. That's it? Team style. Yeah. Now what makes this so interesting when you think about it, it it's, of course, we hid this throughout the 2008 campaign. So no. No. I don't care if they find it now, but, right? Because Professor Ogle Tree. That his growth have been Mhmm. Talking about the video. And I don't know if that's the the damn thing, the fact that he said that we hid this throughout the shoe. Trying to deal with it and laughed. I don't know. World of Harvard Law School. Well, is it the Bell thing, or is it the right connection? Or is it both? I think it's both. Okay. I think more will be coming out about this because, the Breitbart dotcom editor in chief and editor at large appeared on Sean Hannity tonight. We've that hasn't aired yet here, but they'll talk more about it. Alright. Well, we'll, we'll listen to that. I just don't like I the the part I don't like is he went to Wright's church for 20 years, but he didn't really listen to him. It was like his thing, which is like, why are you going to his church then? Like, it's that sort of I I I smoked pot, but I didn't inhale. Like, if you went to the guy's church and you're into whatever he was saying. Right. I'm not sure exactly what he was saying, but you at least gotta say he was into what he's saying. Otherwise, well, you're just back there just playing that electronic football or something, like, sitting in the back of the field? There are a lot of people who go to church though and don't inhale. I guess. But then why because you knew you're gonna well, did your wife drag you? Like, what what was the whole I don't know what the whole connection was. I don't know how long he went there. I think it was for a long time. I don't know what rights thing is, but I just this sort of thing where it's like, I went there for 20 years, but now I wasn't really I'm not into the guy. Yeah. It's gotta be kinda weird because that is who you chose to go listen to on a Sunday, on a, I guess, 4 times a month. So which is it? But either way, it's it's a game. You gotta get elected. I can dig it. I can dig it. Hope and change. Here it comes. In further videotape news, a Hulk Hogan sex tape has surfaced. Yeah. I know. Brutus. I'm burying the lead. Mhmm. It features Hulk getting undressed and a naked unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is not his ex wife, Linda, or his current wife, Jennifer McDaniel. Mhmm. In the video, he pulls off his shirt and brags to his companion that he started working out again, and then he runs his hand through his blonde hair. Mhmm. He also evidently has a thong shaped tan line. What? Now, he claims that he was secretly filmed without his permission, as is often the case with secret filming. Mhmm. And, his lawyer Yeah. Is now taking action, saying, we will take all necessary steps to enforce both civil and criminal liability. Mhmm. And, also, Hulk Hogan can't seem to identify his female costar, claiming that he went on a 4 month alcohol fueled sex bender between the time he left his ex wife and met his current wife. He says during Matt, where's, the porcelain punisher, Matt, finally? Yeah. What's up, boss? I get that into my calendar. Okay. 4 month how's that one go? 4 month alcohol fueled sex offender? Yeah. Alright. Are you gonna do 4 months at once, or are you gonna break it up? Matt. Yes. It surprised me. I know I I gotten at the Celebrity Toyota Grand Prix this year, so I'm gonna have to sober up to drive for that. Now are we gonna have access to this? Oh, yeah. In the Google Calendar? Yeah. I got I got a look at a little I got a couple of races coming up and, some live appearances. Well, it works some of the sex in the live stuff. Before or after? That surprised you. Surprise me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be better off stretching this out before nonconsecutive months, really making it last. Yeah. Right. Let's spread it out to the end of the year, Matt. You got it, boss. Get on the calendar. Okay. Where were we? Sorry. Make sure to have the sex when you drink though because the alcohol wears off. Okay. Alright. So it's a alcohol fueled sex matter. Yeah. Okay. Exactly. And, thong back tan line or or no? Put that on the calendar. Right shave a*s first. As a matter of fact, I got this one. You could get a spray. You could just wear a thong and get a spray tan. Alright. I'm gonna do it. Yeah. And what happened to, what who are we talking about before? Who had the pictures come out, earlier in the week? Olivia Munn and Christina Hendricks. What happened with them? Well, the pictures are still around. And skitch.com, which is the website Mhmm. Or the pro I don't know if it's skitch.com or skitch. The program, that Olivia Munn or whoever evidently used to impose to put the text on the pictures Mhmm. Is really the winner here because now people are learning about this. Because I love when you finger me in the doorway, lick my tight a*****e, blah blah blah. Right. Alright. Let's let's focus and stay on point here. You so wish I had read the rest of it, and I'm glad I didn't. I really do. Apropos to Hulk Hogan, you know how Preet of Gabriel and everyone's getting mad at politicians or whoever for using their songs? Mhmm. And, like, you know, don't use my song because I'm not down with your politics or whatever? Right. What's the stop what what why hasn't any politician jumped on using, like, wrestling themes? Like, especially remember Hulk Hogan's wrestling? I don't know if you remember it, but it was, like, this ridiculous song about, like, being a real American. Yeah. Doesn't it just why don't they just go here for this? I It's a wrestling entrance thing anyway. You're right. That would really make people take someone like Romney more seriously if this played behind him. And I don't It just says he's a real American. I don't put any thought into this stuff. All the hair is yeah. Written on written on me. Real American. No doubt this guy. I think also most of the artists are left leaning, and most of politicians that use it are right leaning, and that's where the beef comes in. Right. I'm trying to think of an example where it's like governor Jerry Brown. Uses Kid Rock. One of these yeah. I was I was, I was thinking of, I don't know the guy who thinks I wanna talk about me, whatever Brian's favorite is. Or, Yeah. The big guy. Yeah. The big guy. Not Travis Stripp, but Yeah. We'll think of it in a second. Keith. I got Toby Keith. Yeah. Right. Like, if if if, you know, yeah, let's say Jerry Brown when he used Toby Keith when he came out. But that never happens, does it? I mean, I imagine it probably has, but No. No. It's never happened. No. Toby Keith for the for the right leaning. Never happened. No. But I know, but no one goes, oh, I like this song. Is that because no one likes the music of right leaning musicians? I think most musicians are left leaning. Yeah. And I think that the it's funny because the the right musicians' songs are more sort of patriotic. So you think they would use them, but the left doesn't like the overt patriotic stuff. They like the we can do it stuff, but not the, hey, do you hear me put a flute in your ass, you know, we're America stuff. They're just more like the feel good stuff. Whereas the right guys like the we're waving the flag stuff. What song would you use if you ran for office? I would use, the, Ides of Mars. I'd use Vehicle by the Ides of Mars. Awesome. Mhmm. Just because it's awesome. Just and it's got the horns kicking. You know? I'd use that yodeling song we play sometimes. Oh, Hocus Pocus by Focus. Yes. Yeah. That's pretty strong too. That's damn strong. I think it's time to bring in Deborah Gibson. Let's bring in Debbie. Should we take a break? Mhmm. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Tippet c**t. That was the news with Alison Rosen. Oh, Debbie Gibson, everybody. Oh, she's doing the dance. Debbie Gibson, the Grand Slam Charity Jam. She is hosting it. It is Saturday, March 10th. That means, this Saturday, the grand slam charity jam.com. TV show Celebrity Apprentice. Of course, we know that. Haven't seen you in a while. Good to see you, sweetheart. Good to see you too. I wanna just start at the start with Debbie Gibson. Yes. And, first, let's jump ahead to the end. I mean, not to the very end, but are are the people a lot of a lot of people who've had a lot of success early on like yourself then wanna get away from it, and then at some point, it feels like they've made peace with it and they now enjoy it. Is it has there been some sort of arc or some sort of thing? If it's always been great being Debbie Gibson, was there a time when you're trying to go, I'm Debra Gibson. I'm not Debbie Gibson. I'm doing something else. Leave me alone about this. Don't ask me about that. Actually, you know what? The Debbie Deborah thing was very much just I I was Deborah growing up at net 16. I signed my deal with Atlantic Records and they wanted to go with Debbie. And everybody who knew me up to that point said, Who's Debbie? Why are you calling yourself Debbie? And I just always had it in the back of my mind that I wanted to go back to Deborah because a lot of people separate their stage persona and their real life. And for me, I was like, it's just it's always me. It's 1 in the same. And I felt this disconnect with the name Debbie. So that it was a going back to the name Deborah for me. So it was never a I'm disowning my pop career, and I'm a sophisticated Broadway actress. It was never that. Did that bug you that it was interpreted that way? Yes. And that's why I eventually went, I give up. It's Debbie. Embrace. So I am what I eventually embraced was like that brand name that I built up. Mhmm. And I and I felt like, well, you know what? It's not up to me. People have a connection of that name, and it's kind of their name in a way. So I went with it. So let's start at the start. Where do you grow up, and when does it start going on? Like, when do you start singing? When do you start knowing? What's your background? What's going on? Okay. The very, very start was that my parents got a piano before they got a couch. Mhmm. And my dad was an orphan and sang in, like, a barbershop quartet. They were they were called the Peanuts. Mhmm. And he grew up in this Catholic boys home, and they used to say I still have a recording of them singing, if you could imagine this, the 10 Commandments in 4 part harmony. He was an orphan. Yes. And he sung in a barbershop quartet. It's so a 100 years ago. They were on Ed Sullivan and named that tune and they won a station wagon, but none none of them were old enough to drive. So they gave it to one of the nuns. Wow. I thought I'd really go back to the beginning with you, like Yeah. Pre birth. Yeah. Yeah. But then but so my dad always loved music. And my mom said, you know what? We're gonna figure out a way to get a couch. Let's just get the piano now. Mhmm. And so when I was about 4 years old, I heard Billy Don't Be a Hero on the radio. Oh, yeah. And I ran the whole Baa baa. Don't be a hero. Don't be a fool with your lie. Yep. So I went back and I don't know what song is. Baa baa on the piano and started playing it. And my and I just there was something in me that instinctually knew how to play the piano. Mhmm. Yeah. And, that was the beginning. My sister It's a moving tail, by the way. You know that song? Billy Don't Be a Hero? I mean, I don't know lyrics. She she I would like she told him. Hear it. She it's it's it's it's told from the fiancee or from the girlfriend. She's saying, don't go off to war, Billy. But Billy says, I'm going off to war anyway, and she's saying, Billy, don't be a hero. Don't be a fool with your life. Billy, the the I don't think anybody can say that. Come back, Bo Donaldson. Somebody should just grab us the lyrics. Bo Donaldson in the Haywoods. Alright. So anyway SK. I don't know. So my my She was at Alice Cooper. And she's saying come back, And he says, no. There it is. I'm going off to war. Mhmm. And there you hear And then he does something stupid and he gets shot. And at the end, she throws the letter away. She's very defiant. And then Deacon Jones slaps her in the head. That's when there were stories and pop music like they're on country now. There they are. Mhmm. Uh-huh. Yeah. This is a random segue, but I'm overtired. So you're gonna get me, like, unfiltered and not making sense. I don't know all the oh, where is it? It's like karaoke. Yeah. This is awesome. Where is it? Wait. I can't really see where we are. I didn't know the verses. Crying through her tears, I heard her say, Billy, don't be a hero. Don't be a fool with your life. Everybody. Billy, don't be a hero. He's trying to harmonize. Yeah. So either your sound man is just really awesome for giving me the reverb or he was like, you've been talking too much during press and you you just sound sucky and I gotta drown you in reverb. 1 of the 2. But thank you. I love that. Is trained. Thank you. So I love the reverb. So you heard me singing that song Yes. And you're drawn to the piano. I heard you singing that song. Yeah. And now you're banging away on the piano. How old are you? Like, 4 years old. And Mhmm. And my sit then my my sisters actually started I had I had 2 older sisters at the time, and now I'm kinda younger sister came along later. Mhmm. And, they started taking piano lessons. My parents thought I was too young, but I would sit and listen to them practice and then imitate what I heard. And it was just clear that I was drawn to music is the long story short. Mhmm. And so now it's all it's part of your life. Your dad's got that crazy wax mustache and he's wearing that hat with their red and black striped, like, barber's coat on and all. He did have a at one point, there was a reunion and the guys got together as older guys. Yeah. It was awesome. Yeah. He has like a Pat Boone crooner type voice, my dad. He's great. That's great. And so he's playing the piano. He's singing. You're singing. You're drawn to it. And at what age do you make your sort of professional move? Like, when's the first time you get up on stage? I get up on stage at, like, 6 in the in the talent in the local talent contest and play the Furo Elise. Mhmm. And precocious little thing that I was stood up before they announced the winner. Wow. And afterwards, my mom said, I can't believe you got I said, Well, 2 other people played the Furo Elise and they played it really choppy and with no emotion, and I just knew that I played it better. And you won. I got up and I won. I won the gold medal and the trophy. It's like calling your shot. Yeah. I like that. Funny. So you're hooked at that point. Hooked, and then I wanted to be Annie. Mhmm. And auditioned for Annie from age 6 to 12. And by the time I was good enough to sing the role, I was too tall, but I would get baggy overalls and bend my knees and they'd measure me. And so they thought I was like, you had to be like below 4.7. Sure. And I was like 4 10 or whatever. So anyway, they found me out. That was the end of my Annie dream. Yeah. Had that moment. But luckily We all had the end of the Annie dream. Was that before you were the 2nd Latino supermodel or after? Because that was, like, my favorite line. I loved that. Because I love Patricia, but I loved when she said I was the 1st Latina supermodel. I know. Everyone shouldn't be shouting their resume out at mister Trump in the boardroom all the time. Yeah. There's all that like Aubrey O'Day. Like, mister Trump, I am one of the hardest working, most successful independent women I've ever personally met myself. It's like, alright, sweetie. Give it a g*****n rest, would you? Get the f**k out of here. This boardroom the reason we'd be in the boardroom for an hour and a half, they they show 20 minutes of it, but we'd be there for an hour and a half because he'd be like, Aubrey, who would you fire? I'll tell you who I wouldn't fire mister Trump. I would not fire a up start go getter like myself. Who would you fire Aubrey? I'll tell you one of the people who's not on my list of people to fire Is me. Aubrey and it's like, oh, right. Like somewhere around the 26th time I was like, oh, can we waterboard this b***h and get out? Let's get going. Our life's wasting here. She's not answering. Trump, stop asking her the same f**king question. She wouldn't answer. Now that you're watching it, are you getting re annoyed? I was standing there and then even behind the wall. Because he asked Aubrey 15 times the same question. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And then and then he he would ask her, you know, who she would fire and she would say, when I'm project manager, I could determine that because I'd have all the information of I ended up oh, there she is. Now I ended up really liking her, though. She's like, I don't know. I think she's just really I think she's just actually super vulnerable below all of that banter. I'm sure. Beneath all of that banter. No. No. No. Everyone has something that if you cut through it, you can get to the super nice squishy soft nougaty center. I'm not interested anymore. I want the nougat on the outside. If I got a nougat to get the nougat. Inside. That's I'm leaving. I'm I'm just digging through that hard candy shell. See, that's the thing, and I said it once in the boardroom too. I said she reminds me of me, like, 12 years ago because I used to wanna be the quickest, the sharpest. I actually was proud and pleased when I when I remember I can't I can't say this because I'll be giving something away, but Trump had asked me something relating to something that happened the day before, and I forgot what it was. And I said, everyone was like, You can't remember? And I was like, No, isn't that great? Like, I don't have to be the girl who remembers everything or everything I did yesterday or the sharpest, quickest thinker, fastest talker. But Mister Trump, I feel like I am the reason I'm qualified to be the next celebrity I worked with P. Diddy for over a 6 month period. I'm a big fan of Puff Daddy. I'm down with him. Word up. Yeah. Alright. But I will we'll get into that later. So now you're up you're you're playing Annie. You're growing up where? Where are you? And I didn't play Annie. And then then here's another little fun trick. You're trying to play Annie. Too tall for Annie. I I then got you're gonna have the bus and truck company of it, but it was nonunion. And this was I'd already done a union show. I had done a a Christmas carol playing Belinda Cratchit. Mhmm. And this was, like, the unofficial moment my mom became my manager. She sat me down and she said, Here's the deal. I know you always wanted to play Annie. We could change your name, hope that Actors' Equity does not find out. You can do it. And I instantly actually started to cry because I was like, I don't ever wanna go to an open call again. I finally got my union card. I mean, I was, like, 12 years old. And I was like, I finally got I'm not giving it up. And so she laid the facts out for me, and I made the decision. And that was kind of like that professional relationship was born. And then when did the so mom became manager. Mhmm. How was that? How was it? And we still work together. She's at this point more in a in a in a consultant type role Sure. Because I don't have that kind of, like, need for the the babysitter manager Yeah. Yeah. Thing. But you know what? At that time, it was amazing. It was great. Because yeah. Especially in the record business being a little girl Right. You I was actually the girl who wanted my mother around. Well, how old how old were you when you got into the record business? 16. 16. How did that come about? I started playing my demos for Atlantic Records at, like, 14 or 15. An entertainment attorney introduced me to the head of the dance department at Atlantic, and I basically, at that time, because there were no little girls doing that, he wanted to make sure, like, let's say, the 3 good songs he heard weren't a fluke. And he said, let me, you know, keep bringing me stuff. Keep bringing me stuff. But literally about a 100 demos later, I was demoing songs in my garage. Were you writing your own stuff? I was writing, and I had the had the Tascam 4 track, and I had the reel to reel tape. I was splicing tape. How did you learn how to do that? A rack mount sequencer and keyboard. Your sound guys are like, Yeah. I mean, that was like I would make radio radio IDs where I would like, you know, lay in a little personalized jingle for a station and the TV track and splice it, and it was insane. I pretty much, like, hid the manuals and learned how to do it. I just figured it out. Mhmm. It was in you. I mean, that that that's the whole thing. Kids I mean, it wasn't sports. It was singing. Right? It was in me and I before this is what my mom actually went to you're getting so the detail you're like Barbara Walters right now Thank you. To me. I'm telling you everything. You've always say that to me. But, I was before the studio, I was actually lining up, like, the Panasonic and RadioShack tape recorders of my sisters on the ironing board. Mhmm. And I had a Casio keyboard and I was attempting my version of multitrack recording. Like, I'd play I'd play the programmed drums into one tape. I play them back. I play a bass line into the next. I I was like I knew that there were layers to the music and I wanted to do it. At the end, you basically heard in some arrangement in the faint distance. So my mom went, this is ridiculous. We have to get you the tools you need. Now what was your dad doing? My dad I love this. My dad worked for TWA Airlines for 35 years in customer service and then behind the ticket counter. And to this day, I have people come up to me and said, Your dad helped me at that counter once. And because eventually, when my record came out, he's he still worked there. He loved it. Mhmm. And every nobody checked in not knowing that he was my dad. I mean, they all How long? He was my dad. How long before the record see, it always seems like, oh, the record came out and then everything exploded. But then a lot of people say, oh, no. Nothing happened with the first record. It was 2 years later or something like that. It is something like that. It was like it came out and I signed in, like, right around my 16th birthday. It was 1986. The record came out. I started playing clubs, like, 200 I would play a teen club, a straight club, and a gay club all in one night. Mhmm. Change clothes in the car. My sis my way to go. My sister Yeah. My sister would do sound and lights and, I had the 2 gay dancers and my mom. And we were like the von Trapps, but I was playing clubs in East LA where armed men were escorting us in. And my mom would go, kids, wait in the car and if I'm not back in 10 minutes, someone come in after me. She always got the money up front. Do you remember what kind of money you were getting? Sicilian tough woman. God, at that time, that's a great question. I was probably in the beginning getting a grand. Mhmm. And it was probably costing me more to pay the dancers' meeting. Right. You know? And then and then as the record started climbing up the dance charts, he got more. And I only had 3 songs and they were extended re so I would do I would do a half hour show of 3 songs. Like, you know, there'd be shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake in the middle of shake your love. Shake, give her love. You know? And, Yeah. I'd get done at, like, 6 in the morning. A little Bo Donaldson in there, you know. If I was on the Just ignite the crowd. You know what I mean? Was that him? Yeah. Thank you. See, this is where he's telling that the captain told Billy to go he volunteered. You know? She she forgot what what he said. You know? Oh, modulation. Don't be a hero. Don't be a fool when you're alive. Billy, don't be a hero. Come back There's that reverb again. I love it. I'm going up. He said, Billy, keep your head low. Billy, don't be a hero. This is a mama set. Yeah. Now it's pointed. She threw the letter away. Do you know what other song? This is so random. If you like ping a colada. I never realized what a storyline that song had until very recently. Oh, really? There's a whole thing about like a the unhappy people in the relationship and I think she puts out a personal ad and he answers it. It's Yes. Him who shows up. Oh, yeah. I remember when he was at home. Yeah. No. I just thought it was 2 o'clock in the rain. Yeah. You sing the chorus. You don't listen to the story. Well, I listened. First off, Rupert Holmes who nothing nobody looked less like a pop star than than Rupert Holmes from, you know, 19 sounded less like 1. 81. But here's how that There it is. It's a horrible song. But so it turned out to be his lady. Tired of my lady. Right. Turned about his old lady the whole time. When that conversation moments after the, hey, it's Eubie. Hey, b***h. Yeah. Who you've tried to f**k? And so you're just looking through the penny saver's c**k. I love that it's the penny saver. And this could be redone with Facebook now. It'd be great. Yeah. Show a picture of of Rupert Holmes, by the way, if you wanna see a great I read the paper in bed. No. I thought you were in Steve Goggins. That's like my 8th grade math teacher. That's Charles Nelson Reilly. Look at that. Now show show the bald one. You're show you're showing a very flattering pic. You're showing him in his freshman year of college. I wanna see him singing this song. Okay. That is No. Oh, boy. That's James Lippett. No. No. Is there anyone that had James Lippett? Luck. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Only Christopher Cross. So there was a lot why he did not have a follow-up hit. Yes. Because he went to perform it live, and everyone was like What? Be it. A what? No. Yeah. It's to be the Culadasa song. Oh, my god. I didn't think about My Lady. I know that sounds kinda mean. Now where were we? But me and My Lady had fallen into the same old doll. I feel like we need to get more young Debbie Gibson songs. Yes. I do too. I can smell her perfume. Close my eyes. So now you're doing the clubs. It stops climbing up the charts. Mhmm. Everything's going going through the roof. And what happens? And I'm staying I'm in high school still. Like, I'm going to oh my god. This is so with Mhmm. Like, the soundtrack of my life underneath. Behind the music. The bells. Anyway, so it's distracting. I was 20, like, 2 when working construction. I was like, it's a pretty good song. I had a lot of guys that were like, I basically had your albums in a paper bag under my bed during college, but don't tell anyone. Mhmm. One time I wore a hat to school and my friend said, very Debbie Gibson. Oh, really? Really? I couldn't really pull off the hat. You could've. You did. Mhmm. Yep. So That is, So when when does, when does it become official? Like, when does that we hit up, you know, platinum. When does the real success come? And, you know, it's so strange. It's like I was so in the thick of it doing something every day that I don't it it was such a gradual climb for me. It was like, oh, one person recognized me, 3 people recognized. And, you know, I was it was about, I think it was a little over a year, like, 65 weeks or something it took the song to get to the top 5 from the time it was released. And again, back then it was those weeks were, you know Filled. I was the most exhausted 17 year old you you never met. Is there any stories about being screwed over by the record company and never being properly compensated? No. Actually, I gotta tell you my mom Yeah. She made me some killer deals. Oh, really? How did she know? She just had good business sense? She did. I mean, she she did not go to college. She went right from high school to to she she went on an interview to become to to be a secretary. Mhmm. Couldn't type to save her life. Lied, bluffed, got the job, turned to the the girl on the 1st day of the job sitting next to her and said you have to teach me how to type. Mhmm. And that's just always the way she was. She was like, you know what? I better figure this out so my daughter doesn't get ripped off. So you never had any big blowouts with with mama? I mean, I'm sure you had disagreements. But most of the time when mama or daddy is doing the the managing, there's always some part whether it's a fighter or a pop singer, there's always that point where Joe Jackson thing. No. I mean, we've always had, I would say, the normal probably the normal mother daughter stuff and the normal manager client stuff all rolled into 1. The great the great thing about it being my mom was, you know, there might have been times a client would have left her or she would have left a manager would have left me. Right. And we didn't. You know what I mean? And we we stayed in it, which ended up being a really good thing. What was the the the pinnacle for Debbie Gibson? The best year or 2? Oh my god. Do you remember, like, having that moment where somebody called you Frank Sinatra called? Billy Joel wished me yes. He called me to wish me a happy birthday. Billy Joel did. Yes. And he was always my favorite growing up. There was a Elton I always liked the piano men and the Broadway women. Mhmm. I liked Elton John, Billy Joel. I love and I actually I own one of Liberace's all glass and mirrored pianos. I was a Really? Liberace fan. I I went to he was my first live show ever. Did you ever go to the made a picture of Liberace. Live show ever. Yes. Do you ever go to the fair. You ever go to the Liberace Museum? I didn't because I feel like I live in the Liberace Museum. I see his piano. To us here. 1 of us climb one of them claims to be a Liberace fan. Fan. The other has been to his museum in Las Vegas, Nevada. Have been And I just love that piano. Love the piano. She has Liberace's last piano, but doesn't have her own perfume. Yeah. I know. We were talking about this before. I don't have I don't have any more electric youth perfume. I have one broken bottle and a dresser. He was the kid either. You know? He was the ultimate showman, and he never could slow down long enough to get married. I remember those stories. Movie being made? I heard Michael Douglas was supposed to play him and Matt Damon was supposed to play his lover. The movie that needs there there are certain things in our society that we that we all sort of everyone remembers or recognizes or goes, yeah, I know that story. And we make a big deal out of some of it and not so much out of the other. And, like, the Liberace thing like, for instance, everyone remembers, like, oh, there's David Hasselhoff, and he's drunk, and he's eating a cheeseburger, and he's talking to his daughter. Right? Okay. So what? He's in a hotel. And then everyone remembers Alec Baldwin, like, he's leaving there. Hey, little piggy. Stop being a b***h and put your mom on the phone, message on on his daughter's phone. What people sort of forget about is Liberace Pretending to be straight? Well, there's that. And then there's like his 21 or 22 year old boyfriend when he was, I don't know, 50, who was getting plastic surgery to look like Liberace. See, I didn't even know that. He was The question's flattering. He was f**king himself. Like he was getting this young kid plastic surgery and done up to look like Liberace at age 21. White man. Find me a picture. Find me something. Now the Liberace probably went in his mid fifties something something something. I know. Later later Later fifties. It's it's like he's been around our whole life. But on the other hand, when you're young, you think 57 is ancient and I realized he was not that old. No. But he was in his, I don't know, early sixties, late fifties, what whatever it was. His boyfriend who and there was a lawsuit was getting a bunch of plastic surgery done to look like Liberace, which is super creepy. Yeah. Super creepy. But a great movie plot. That's what you're saying. That should be a movie. Right? It should. And the fact Oh my god. Wow. Yeah. But the the fact that, not that many people Behind the candelabra. Yes. I love that. It was like like they're behind the music. Find out. Behind the candelabra. Find out how old the the Liberace was when he went and, and find out, I know he went in a car accident, but I'm trying to think who no. I'm trying to think I wanna see pictures of this dude because I am telling you that's part of the dude's lawsuit and part of the dude's story that he was being forced to undergo procedures to look like Liberace and then f**k Liberace. That's so weird. Allison, did you wanna f**k you? I know I was. Yeah. I'd give it a go. 67. Not bad. Curious person. Not bad. Palm Springs? You're not there. It is one of those things where I think if you have AIDS, they go, come on down to Palm Springs today. Adam. I talked to his polycyst. He died in pneumonia. Oh, sorry. That's right. I had respiratory problem. So, we'll find, we'll find the story out, as as we go. But, anyway, so best year. Sorry. Billy Joel called. There was a whole there was, like, a whole chapter of Elton John and Billy Joel. Like, I went to Madison Square Garden to see Elton John in concert, and before the show, he said, would you like to come up and do a song with me at the end? First of all, he's like, oh, your song is number 17 on the charts this week, isn't it? And it's he just he loves current pop culture. Right. Right. You know, he said, and and, you know, Billy's gonna come up and and do a song too. So he has his own keyboard, so you'll have to share mine with me. And I was like, no. I'll twist my arm. So the song was actually Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Wow. And I kind of played by ear and sang some harmonies, and it was amazing. And then the next week, Billy invited me on stage to do Keep in the Faith at NASA Coliseum. Oh, really? But I think it was, like, Billy wouldn't have been the first it was, like, proven that I could do it. And so then Billy felt comfortable inviting me up. Right. It's kinda funny. But, yeah, they one of his crew members came and got me out of the audience near the encore and said, hey, Billy wants to know if you wanna come up to do a No no idea. No idea. Just there to watch. Just jump in. He said, take the piano take the grand piano down front. He'll take the keyboard in the back. Wow. Oh, wow. That was insane. So there was that whole because anybody you you grow up idolizing I mean, my first single was Crocodile Rock. My first album was 52nd Street. Mhmm. And there I was on the stage with them, and it was I mean, that was one of the that was definitely that moment. Any any creepy guys ever any, like, any creepy dudes come on to you? I I had a naked, escapee from a mental institution jump the fence of our house in Long Island. Billy Joel. Mhmm. Yeah. That Billy. Actually, I think it was Dee Snyder. He was my neighbor on Long Island on that street, actually. But, yeah, I actual that actually happened. But how about, like, celebrity guys? Like, you know, the publicist calls. You know, that's super creepy. Oh, their publicist calls. No. No. I didn't get that. Although, you know, it's really funny. I did, Hollywood Uncensored today. I taped it with Andy Dick, and he reminded me that he was trying to date me, like, 12 years ago. Oh, really? Yeah. Didn't work out? That didn't work out. I don't see you 2 together. No. I I didn't either. Yeah. Sweet guy, but no. Sober? He is now. Oh, good. Yeah. Soon he'll be, naked and over somebody's fence and being tased. But for now, sober. Alright. Shall we do a little, totally topical TiVo trivia? Yes. Like, give me a second. You know, you just reminded me. I actually did have and I don't even remember who it was. It was somewhat it was it was royalty Mhmm. In England. Somebody there there was that tried and I I just went, I don't know that person. I can't just show up and go to some gala with some guy I don't know. Or even if he has a prince, but it was it was a member of the royal family. Yeah. They it's part of the They do. Yes. They target female TV and they go, I wanna be with that person. And then that's that's kinda Yeah. What what happens. And the celebrity guys do that. Right. I mean, they just they're publicists. They just look at the TV and they go, hey, I want that chick from that commercial or they sing that song for it. Yeah. It's kinda nice. That must have been weird dating though being you. Yeah. But I I somehow managed to have some kinda normalcy in the middle of all of that, and I don't know. I, you know, I lived in New York, and I had, like, kind of some kind of normal lifestyle going on. And I met people in normal ways. And Did you go to normal high school? I did. But it was the most abnormal experience. Oh, especially after all that. Yeah. I mean, I stayed in high school thinking that I said, I wanna be normal. Right. I should've not stayed in high school. But Did they play your songs at the prom? Because I was And they're inducting me into the hall of fame this year. They, yeah. They they did play one of my songs at the at the junior prom, and I It was very uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable. Did did But people I would have been like, play this. Here's a tape. Can I ask you a, quick Celebrity Apprentice, question? Yes. Because I I don't I don't know this because everyone always says to me, well, what made you decide to do celebrity presence? I go, I don't decide to do anything. So somebody calls and it just sorta go, I don't know. When is it? How long does it take? Oh, okay. I mean, everything is like, I didn't decide to write a book. Somebody told me to write a book or and, you know, everyone tells me everything, and I just go, yeah. Alright. So but then it I I realized some people may have wanted to do it. Some people may have campaigned for it. Some people may have turned it down in the past. How did it work with you? Because I'm not sure what everyone's story is. Yeah. It's a great question. They called me before or they met with me before the summer, and I said I would think about it. I had not really seen the show that much. Mhmm. And they gave me the DVDs. Mhmm. And, I was on the road touring this past summer with Tiffany, actually. She did not write her own songs, but did perform in malls. That's right. But she is a Mhmm. Seriously, killer singer. Like, if people could put aside whatever they, you know, perceptions that she's a killer singer. Good chops, though. Amazing. Amazing. Great gal. Great gal. Mhmm. And it was just kinda grueling, and I was exhausted. And I thought, do I wanna pretty much get home and turn myself around and go in, like, just purposely tax my nervous system for however long I'm gonna be on the show? And, I said no. And I said no, like, 3 different times. And they kept saying, really? Rethink it? Rethink it? And ultimately, 2 things. First of all, now if anybody says they do this show only for the charity aspect, they're lying because everyone knows it's a great big press platform for everything else you're doing. And that's, you know, something to consider. But the charity aspect did keep nagging at me because I was like, I I work with Children International. And, I literally, I started to get, I'm like, I become a total girl talking about it. I just get choked up. I was in Manila last year and I started sponsoring I started sponsoring kids through them when I was 18. And then, last year, I started sponsoring 8 new kids, and I just felt like this is like a bird in the hand time. I can maybe put them on the map in a big way, maybe get them a bunch of money, a lot of awareness, a lot of people sponsoring kids. And you were there, so you know, like, I think it I think without that as the backbone of the show, it would have felt really strange to wake up every day and do the things we did. Yeah. I was kinda like, I don't I didn't have the desire to just be on TV or just run around in circles with a bunch of other celebrities. Yeah. Yeah. I I agree. I mean, it's pretty it's pretty taxing. It's pretty grueling, and then there's a lot of, like, getting the van and staying in the van and waiting in the van and sitting in the van. Well, look at you. Like, you're here in your studio. You run your own show. You run your own life. Yes. And then there are people that come from the reality world that are now celebrities from reality shows that are on our reality show. And so they're kinda used to being, like, they're a hired hand and they're, you know, into the press and all that. And I'm kinda like Well, the the There's a there are a lot of odd moments. It was a lot of for me, there's a lot of I'm very, independent, but independent sounds good. I'm more of a loner or whatever the negative version of independent would say. Antisocial. Antisocial. Thank you. I am too, actually. Thank you. And I just sort of wanna walk and be left alone Yep. For the most part, Especially when there's a camera in your face for 13 hours. Mhmm. And so it's this sort of thing where it's like, alright, you're finished making your sandwiches. You've been up for 13 hours and they put you in the van. And you're sitting in the van and you're like, alright, it's 10 o'clock and we gotta be down we gotta be down in makeup at 6 AM or Debbie has to be 4 AM. At 4 AM. I gotta be down in the lobby at 3 other girls for makeup artists. Yeah. I gotta be down in the lobby at 7 AM and I wanna get the f**k out of here. And they go, well, we gotta wait because Paul senior is doing a testimonial thing around the corner. They're doing an interview with him, which I haven't really woven into any of the episodes thus far. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen one of those. But I and I'm sitting in the van and and I'm like, alright. Listen. Where are we? On 53rd? Oh, listen. I'm walking. I'm just no. You can't walk. Yeah. I know. You cannot walk. And I'm like, listen. I love walking. It's nighttime. It's New York. I'll sign a release if I get gang raped. Just let me walk. I can f**king I can get to that hotel. Let you get gang raped without filming it? Yeah. The hotel is 7 blocks from here. To be right. Yeah. Let me walk. And then they're like, no. We gotta wait for Arsenio and Paul. And I'm like, well, I got an idea. Just drive me to the hotel. Drop me off and then circle back. And by the time you were a school child right after that they're like, no. We gotta hard. They gotta wait. And the thing the only time I really lost it is I was just sitting in the van, sitting in the van, sitting in the van, and then certain point and there was like the chick who was like sitting with me listening to me the whole time, like, kinda rolling her eyes. I'm going, look, just let me walk. I'll walk to my room. Producer or something? Yeah. And and she was bothering me because she sounded exactly like Sarah Silverman and she looked exactly like Sarah Silverman, but she said no one has ever told that to her and she totally denied it, but she was exactly Sarah Silverman. But she had blonde hair was the problem, so it screwed everyone up. But, at a certain point, finally, after, like, 20 minutes and, you know, it's like that clock is like, come on. We gotta be down in the lobby at 7 tomorrow morning. I'm exhausted. At a certain point, Paul senior gets into the van and they, like, shut the door, and then she opens the door again and goes like, hold up a second. Paul, I wanna ask you a quick question. And I'm like, really? Really? It it was it was a situation where I think we're waiting for Paul, but it's like Arsenio was sitting in the van with me the whole time, and she stopped to ask Arsenio something when we're finally getting ready to leave. And I I said what I always say which is, is there a surprise party for me back at the hotel and somebody just called you and told you we're out of helium Oh, god. And we can't fill the balloons and we need an extra 3 minutes. Are you f**king serious? Because I could've walked to the hotel and walked back and walked back again in this time. And then and then also during the tasks, it was the same issue for me. Like, I'm a New Yorker, so I'm used to, like, I have a thought, I need to get something, I run out the door and I go. And it was the same thing if you give the van a half hour notice. You gotta take someone with you. You've gotta Right. And then it was the same thing. Oh, you've gotta wait and you you Lot of sitting in the van. If you got in the van and within three seconds didn't tell give them the route you wanted, they purposely took you, you know, the long way in traffic to And all so you could walk you could walk from the international to the Trump Tower wherever we were much faster than you could by going through Central Park in the van and getting getting stuck in gridlock and all. So if you're like us Why did they do it that way? Well, the whole thing is we wanna keep you together, we wanna keep you agitated, and we wanna film you, basically, like that. And when you're walking through Manhattan, you're none of those 3. Alright. What's it say about Liberace over here, Allison? Well, okay. Thorson says he reconstructed my entire face. As a matter of fact, I just had the implant for my chin taken out. King says to make you look what of his his appearance on Larry King. Thorson says, well, he brought the surgeons in. I picked them up in my Rolls Royce. I drove. They were in Las Vegas. I picked him up and brought him to a Las Vegas mansion on Shirley Street. And Lee was introduced to the doctor, and he says, I want you to come with me. And Lee walked him through, went into the, you know, into the bedroom and said there was a picture of Liberace. Oh, I guess he was probably in his thirties. I used to play in thirties, Larry. He says, I want you to create Scott to look like me when he was younger so he looks like my son. He wanted me as his son, but at the same time, he wanted me as his lover. And then King says, bizarro. That's icky. Super creep. I mean, so I bizarre, but, obviously, it was it was so taboo to be gay then, and people actually believed all these movie stars were straight and people like Liberace were straight. And But the fact that we're all aware of Alec Baldwin calling his girl a piggy, no one really knows this. Right. It's like That is This is the holocaust, and that other one was a, you know, just a little skirmish. I'm getting a vision of Clay Aiken playing Liberace in the Broadway musical. That, I would watch. I love making some good. I think he could do it. Alright. Should we do you know what? Let's just skip ahead and go and do some finish up, some, news with Alison Rosen. And now the rest of the news with Alison Rosen. Alison. Apple announced the new iPad today. We're very excited. And first of all, it is just being called the new iPad, not the iPad 3. Mhmm. Just the new iPad. And it's gonna have high definition screen, a faster wireless connection, and it's a little heavier. And it comes out March 16th, and it'll be $499. Who's in charge of, being out there and, delivering the new is actually. Steven Jobs anymore. Right? Can't promise him, you Gotta have another guy's kind of, you know, not overly dressed. It's the company's new chief executive Timothy d Cook. That's a tough, fill in job, isn't it? Yeah. They make, like, Steve Young and Aaron Rodgers had it tough. Yeah. This guy got it pretty bad. Yeah. Yeah. I know. And you get up there and, like, stammer a little, and iPhone comes flying at your head. It's a scraggly a*s off stage. Rather I'd rather hear this from Jobs' corpse more interesting than you. Nice mock turtleneck. Yeah, dude. Yeah. And the product will have a screen that provides a comparable level of clarity to the iPhone's retina display with higher resolution than conventional high definition television. Do they have all this technology already available to us, and they just keep stringing it out so we keep buying new things? I think those aliens, like, in Area 51 I mean, we have to be way more advanced than we are. Right? And there have to be the next wave of products. All I want making you say that right now. I want a g*****n toast. Might be. I want a fast toaster. That's my thing. I don't care about You don't have time for toast? A toast takes Like a micro toaster. Same time as it took in the forties. It's exactly the same. It's just tungsten. You ever make a sandwich where you toast? Like, sometimes I love a toasted sandwich, but I'll opt out because I don't have the time for the toast. And I find myself staring at the toaster going, come on. I have a Hello Kitty toaster. It imprints Hello Kitty on the toast. Really? Wow. How cool am I? And you don't have your own perfume. Wow. Wow. But it takes Did you buy this at Sanrio? Does that still exist, that store? It does. But I got it, I'm embarrassed to say, in a gift suite. Oh my god. There it is. Look. Oh, wow. Oh, see? That's different than what I expected. It toasts the outline of Hello Kitty. I didn't see that Charlize Theron movie, young adult. No. Young adult. But I there's a whole Hello Kitty thing in there about how it's, like, some it's just so weird that it's acceptable for adult women to wear hello I have Hello Kitty clothing, and I am kind of in denial of my age and refuse to grow up. But it is very strange that that's trendy and acceptable for adult women to phone Hello Kitty Yeah. Toaster Missy, did you like this stuff when you were a teenager, though? Not really. It's your lost youth. That's that's it. It's my lost electrician. Her toast. Mhmm. It's kinda cool and kitschy now. You know? Now, see, my boyfriend doesn't have a microwave. That's what I always say. That's great. For dismissal. I I wanna buy him one for me, but I feel like I would just Oh, get him a microwave. Man, I got one in my car. But what? It re reanimates everything. I mean, how do you bring a lot of I know. I did hear that, like, if you microwave chicken or something, it's no longer chicken. Like, it's no longer the makeup of the chicken anymore. I'm fine with that though. Yeah. As long as it's hot and quick. Yeah. Yeah. You get them a microwave. That way. Yeah. If you love them, you'll get them a microwave. I'm feeling it's cute. To me, he'll get a microwave. Oh, that's a good point. Mhmm. I'm feeling this new micro toaster product that you're gonna develop. Who wouldn't go out and buy a toaster that just took, like, 15 seconds instead of 10 minutes? To you. And the microwave does a s**tty job warming water. Like, when you know you're gonna make some tea or something, you put that mug in the microwave, you're like, the pot that was been that's been used for several 1000 years is actually with the flame under it. Mhmm. Actually faster than this. Have you done corn on the cob in the microwave? It's great. No. Yeah. You keep put the, like, the husks kinda back on, put butter in there, rubber bands around it. Rubber bands. You flip it, like, every 45 seconds. It's awesome. I like that. I know. I it's kinda crazy. Hello, Kitty. It doesn't pop. We digest. Oh, it should just be pop. Yeah. Me too. No. It doesn't. So psychologists are chiming in about men with beards and the role that the beards play and how men are perceived. And, apparently so they did a study on this. And women do not rate bearded faces as more attractive than clean shaven faces. Mhmm. It's potentially tough news. I look around the other guys in the studio. Beards. Everybody has kind of scruff, not really gold beards. I'm just being lazy. I'll shave tomorrow. To assess how beards affected perceptions of men's age, attractiveness, social status, and aggressiveness, the scientists showed, people of European descent in New Zealand as well as Polynesians in Samoa You can't pull a beard if you're Samoan. I know. They don't have they don't have the whiskers. I call bulls**t. Yeah. Pictures of the same men with and without full beards as they displayed neutral smiling and angry facial expressions. Both men and women said that with beards, the men looked older and more aggressive than they did with their beards shaved. Somebody had to do this study? Mhmm. So if we They also found that people with beards were hairier. Wow. Yeah. And that they look more feminine when they applied kissing potion. No s**t. Right. Of course. It's weird because young guys are growing beards. Well, that's the point. And they're and they're sort of looking more older. Now old guys are growing beards ironically to look younger because young dudes have beards. Yeah. And because dudes are getting fatter, they're all growing the goatee because it's a way to tighten up the chin hydrate. And elongating your face. You can create you can carve a chin into your face. Like, dudes are big now. I mean, there was never this many big dudes. No. And so you see the big dudes and the big dudes take the it's like somebody it's it's almost like a plastic surgeon takes a Sharpie and goes, okay. We'll make your chin line here and then we'll add definition there. And it's like they shave their chin line in. Like, you're not sure where their chin ends and their neck begins, but they'll show you with a beard. I'm suddenly, though, kind of envious of men because I'm looking at you guys, and there is, like, this natural shading that you guys can do if if you're feeling a little bloated one day. I'm gonna wear a beard. That's it. They can do that now. Right? I'm Italian. I probably probably could. Yeah. Snooki is engaged and pregnant. Now. Damn it. I know you're talking about it. That's what's killing me. Off the market. We're talking about it. Another one bites the dust, Brian. She's 15 weeks into her pregnancy. No more. Mhmm. She's engaged her boyfriend, Gianni. Gianni. Which is not just the way she pronounces Johnny. It's actually spelled Gianni. People have to go, like, jump through hoops, you know, respectable older couples to adopt children, and Snooki can go have a baby. Mhmm. Yeah. Yep. She's had a lot of work done on her face. Has she? Yes. What? You owe me a Coke, baby. We both said it You guys are so on the same wavelength. Manzies. Yeah. Let's see. Like Hello Kitty toast popping in at the same time. Tiffany next year. You take the ace man out on stage. That'll be a unique double bill. Do you guys know this one by, Billy Don't Be a Hero by Bo Don? Yes. We know it. You played a 12 time row. 234. Billy Don't Be a Hero. Don't Yeah. We'll just keep rolling into it. Uh-huh. Thank you. Is it me? Are they just doing the same song over and over again? Or did I have a stroke? What's going on? Oh my god. Then you just deny it. You just say you're doing 12 different songs. And and and I can I can kill time because I'm used to killing time on stage? I'll get out there and go, you know, in this time of war and this time of strife, there's a song. Right. Right. Just start at your back. Even though it was written by who what some people call it, genius. Many years ago, it foreshadowed some of the events that are taking place right here, right now. Some sometimes separated by oceans, but never by emotions. Oh god. For the 44th time tonight. Timing motion any motion. I think she's done that. Bo Donnelley. What's his name? Bo Donnelley. Bo Bo Donaldson. Bo Bo Donaldson in the Haywoods. Beau, wherever you are. Oh, he's still alive? But I still mean it wherever you are. I mean, you could be somewhere. Right? Look, he's not here. That's my g*****n boy, Debbie Shink. I'm winded. That's perfect. Just go right into it again. Pans a crowd before dabbing at their tears. Right. Right. If you call yourself an American or even Canadian, you stand up on your feet, light your lighters, and get ready for the 45th rendition of this song. Mhmm. That'd be awesome. Right? Do you know I wanted to sell lighter? Because it was, like, an eighties tour last year, and I wanted to sell lighters, and a lot of the venues won't allow it. I know it's a great time to get a light. Flame on my iPhone, and it's so lame. Yeah. Kids don't You want the lighter? Kids today don't know what they're missing. Mhmm. I wonder where that started, the whole holding up a lighter during a song. I don't know. I never understood the Dawson must know this. Symbolism of it. Look it up. Torch song, I guess. Somebody could claim they did it. Right. Right. You know what I mean? Mister Bic. You'd have you'd have a hard time arguing Fred Zippo with that. But I feel like there could be, like, an actual merchandise item that's the, you know, the ballad lighter. The Yeah. Ballad lighter. Yeah. Whenever and whoever, it was definitely linked to a ballad. Yes. And and it was sort of like Thank you. Sort of like claiming, like, the guy claims he started the stadium wave. Oh, and everyone knows the guy that played that. That guy knows the guy that pulled the gerbil out of Richard Gere's butt. That's right. Everyone knows one of those guys who know one of those guys. Right. Mhmm. I know that dude. I know the gerbil. He's the lighter to get him out of there. Mhmm. He's the lighter to I said come He smoked him out. Come toward the flame. I'm gonna say it was moth the hoople. Come to the light. Yeah. We'll figure it out. A woman named Lindsay Blankmeier is suing her college, her former college, because she claims that her roommate had too much sex while she was there. Blanquire, by the way, sounds like the name that gets you beat up by a cop. Wild guess. The girl on the right is suing the girl on the left. Well Because she doesn't look like the girl on the left. Wow. And she's jealous. We'll go with that. But doesn't it sound like you'd go like But you're wrong. No. It's the one on the left who's suing the school. No. The one on the left is the one who wasn't having all the sex. No. The one on the right was This is for the podcast listeners. We should probably describe them. The one on the right looks like she has a stick up her butt named Fred. She has a And the one on the left is the one who is a little more. A little slutty. You can say it. Mhmm. We can say it on this one. The one on the left looks like she's ready to party. Yes. She does. But maybe she was for all those years, and instead, all she got to do was listen to her roommate get it on. Yeah. The one on the right sort of looks like the teacher from Fast Time at at Ridgemont High where they went to the morgue. You'll find that guy's sex. See, this is college right there. It's ugly people having sex in front of you. Mhmm. Which is why when people say, do you feel you missed anything not going to college? I say, no. That's what I missed. You guys are looking at this all wrong. You'll see this on adamgirl.com. The girl on the left wearing a rosary around her neck. The girl on the right wearing wearing some guy's shirt from the night before. Oh. A little trollop. Yeah. Is that really a rosary? I don't know. It kinda looks like it It sounded good. Key. Okay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. Yeah. Now what's your name? Blankstein? Blankmeier. Lindsay Blankmeier. I'm telling you, I feel like if this was a black man's last name and a cop pulled him over and, like, what's your name? They let him go? Joe Blankmeier. Alright. I'm getting you out of the car and beating the s**t out of you unless you give me a ring of, Like, Blank Meyer just sounds like a name you give the authority to basically, you're telling the cop to f**k off. Yeah. Like, when you think you got a chicken s**t ticket, Blank Meyer. That's Use that. There's the look. This is Skiavelli? Mhmm. Alright. Skiavelli. That's the look. There he is. That's her. Now look at the eyes. Look at the direction of the eyes. Could easily be one of, could have sprang from his loins. Alright. Anyway, suing for too much sex? Yeah. Well, she's saying that she, is prone to depression and the condition her living conditions made her more depressed. And then when she complained to the college, they didn't do enough to get her a single, and she ended up having to live in a hotel. Mhmm. But hearing hearing the sex depressed her? Yes. Well, it yeah. It was just not conducive to her mental state, and it was not just hearing well, I mean, they shared a room, so she saw it. And, also, she witnessed the girl having inappropriate video chats. Wow. Mhmm. And she's suing for a 150,000 in damages. What school is she suing? Stonehill College. Wow. Good old Stonehill? Where is it? In Massachusetts? You mean you mean oh oh, home of the fighting gravel? Wow. Mhmm. Yeah. I can't believe that. Mascot is just a big rock. Wow. I when I was in college, I heard sex I didn't wanna hear, through the wall. Why why did you not wanna hear it? Because you knew what they looked like? Well, actually, the girl was very pretty. Well, then you should wanna hear that. If I were a guy. Well, you're sure who's into girls. Well, hold on. Pretty girls usually get with good looking guys. Right? What she sounded like. She's very squeaky. Well, maybe they just need some lube. Oh. I had that. Sounded rusty. Oh, Oh, god. Like a rusty cabin door. I thought that happened. Like, Like, like, like, like, like, beaker from the mopets. Oh my god. That's what you said. Wow. Oh. I'm so glad I didn't go to college. Wow. It It was really weird. Weird and high pitched in school. I Thinking. I had a well, but she she was hot. Right? Yes. She was, but I just felt like, oh, no. I don't wanna be hearing this. I I had a when when my dad had a little s**tty apartment in North Hollywood a 1000000 years ago when we used to go, like, stay in his 1 bedroom, it was set a long hallway that just shared a long hallway with the unit next to it. And 1 night, just all night, just like, you know, just the chicks, like, Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. And I was saying I I remember going I I like the slowing down at the meeting. I remember saying to my dad, like, that this I was, like, 9. You know? I was, like, this one you know, when you do the the serious sex to a 9 year old through a wall, like It sounds violent. Yeah. It's like I was like, this woman was sick. I thought Yeah. I I pictured her, like, vomiting, being nauseous, you know, because it was like, oh, no. Oh, god. Oh, god. No. Oh, god. No. Oh, god. No. And I was like, my dad's like, hey, dad. You gotta call an ambulance. Like this woman, he's like, as soon as I'm done beating off. Yeah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Where were we? Well, Justin Bieber's mother, Patty Mallet or Mallet, but we think it's probably Mallet Mhmm. Has inked a deal with a Christian book publisher to write an intimate memoir about her difficult youth and how she turned it all around when she became pregnant with Justin. In the book, she will open up about her traumatic upbringing, which included violence, substance abuse, and a suicide attempt at age upbringing, which included violence, substance abuse, and a suicide attempt at age 17. Her Hold on a second. I want a real suicide attempt. I don't want this f**king book selling, like, you know, Marsha Brady. I was strung out on coke. You did a couple of f**king rails with Jan in 1987. That is not strung out on coke. I don't want the I was raped when the guy put his hand on your thigh. I want some raping. I want some coking. I want some molesting. You hear me, Brian? I want something. I want some abuse. I don't want this bulls**t where you just sell books and nothing ever really happened. Might I recommend Drew Barrymore's Little Girl Lost to you? Mhmm. It's moving. Yeah. Mhmm. Some good abuse? It's a lot some real drug use at age 9. Any raping? Not that I remember. And no can do. Okay. No hard bargain. Mhmm. So she was, abused? Yes. So dismissive. You know what kills me? The mothers posing on the red carpet, like, in that picture. Yes. Because they have that sort of warmed over, we wanted this look. Yes. Like Dina Lohan, same thing. I remember me I remember me Cyrus' mom too. I remember meeting Lindsay on a red carpet, and Dina was posing. And I turned to my mom, and I said, thank you for never posing on a red carpet. And she was posing. I mean But yes. Those solo fashion shots for the moms. Right. It is so yeah. It's so weird and creepy. Yeah. It's very gypsy Rose Lee and mama Rose. And not and and and especially when you're not there and no one's there for you. I mean, even the book is it kinda reads as Yeah. Yeah. It's coming out at the same time as Justin's second picture book. Mhmm. He's Doing a picture book. I feel like maybe your mom could write an intimate memoir. I feel like I should write it. That could be my next book. My mom doesn't know anything about me. No. About herself. Oh. Oh. Her story. What she know about her? Let's see. Yeah. Oh, God. I would never read that book. God, that'd be sad. Chapter 12. Oh. Primal Scream Therapy. Oh. And my friend's son, Ray. Oh, no. No. No. My mom got taken away by child protective services and raised by her horrible grandparents. Like, she had a horrible. Not a horrible life. So your dad and my dad could have written the orphan the singing orphan book. Yeah. But he didn't. I know. He didn't. He should have. Yeah. And we should have got a piano. Opted And so you had a couch? Yeah. We're nuts. We had a sofa. Yeah. She got left. She got taken away. It was one of these, bulls**t stories, like, I talked to my grandma about it before she died and it was like this weird, like, 1 and 1 doesn't equal 2 stories, but, you know, you don't feel like hassling the 91 year old woman too much. But you kinda like, just trying to get a few things. Like, my grandma said, first you get that, I'm gonna enjoy playing this card if I ever get to that age too where I get to tell people it was a different time. You know, that was 2,009. Things were different, you know. We didn't know. Yeah. We didn't know any better. And so, what I'm was my my my grandma said she was going to some kind of practice or something, and she left my mom behind and the neighbor lady was supposed to watch was watching. It was like babysitting. So it'd be like if we if you lived in the apartment above me and I said, well, I'm gonna go do this. Can you watch my my 2 year old? And he said, yeah. I'll watch your 2 year old. And then when I got back, I was like, where's my 2 year old? And you're like, gave him to child protective Services and he go, what happened? And they go, well, because you abandoned him and then I go, what the f**k did you do that for? You said you're gonna watch him and I said that to my grandma and she said, well, she had the hots for my husband And I said, well, how's this get her any Right. Closer to your husband? And then she said Get that 2 year old out of the way. Well, we were getting ready to leave. We were gonna move out. And I was like, well, how does that slow down the process of you moving out? It doesn't make you want a move out faster and then how about the part where you just go to child protective services and you go, hey, there's this nutty broad who brought you, but she was babysitting my kid. So can I have my kid back? That part all kinda goes away. How long did it take till she got your mom back? She had to wait until her her parents died, her grandparents. I mean, her parents, which would my mom's grandparents Right. Who now then grew up believing that that was her parents. So she never knew who her parents were. She thought those were her parents. Like, why are you guys so old? Right. Why are you going to bed at 7:30 in the evening? And who did she think her mom was, or did she not know her? Why you keep talking about Matlock? She didn't no. She thought I think she thought her grandma was her mom. Right. But who did she think her actual mom was? Or did she not know her? She thought her grandma was her mom. No. Who? But who did This lady, the the one who had actually given birth to her, did that did she ever meet her and think, well, who's this lady? Oh, who did she think her mom was? Yeah. This is Right. Who's like a bad who's on first? I I know. I'm I'm completely lost at this point. Sorry. When her biological mother would come to visit, how did they explain her? Understand who that person was. Okay. I got you now. She didn't come around too often because she hated her parents and she was one of those things where she said they were horrible people but yet they were good enough to raise her daughter. And, she was, I guess, described as aunt so and so. You know, look, when you're 4, like, who Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, there was some checking ID. It's good old DNA. Who is this? But, you know, you just go aunt so and so is here to hang out. And then she hung out until, like, her, her dad died, then her brother killed himself, then her mom died, and then my ma then then my grandma collected mom, but she was ruined from that point on. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Bad times. Right? Yes. Mhmm. So what a happy story. Yeah. That's true. I was gonna say to bring it all full circle, if Justin Bieber's mom's book is not that It should be that. Tantalizing, then why release it? Yeah. Yeah. It's a good point. You gotta top, macarolas or whatever maiden name is. I don't even know what it is. We don't sweat the details. Why would why would you? Why would we? Basically, my grandma was, like, 19 and wanna have fun. She wanna hang around. Alright. They're playing my song again. That's right. See, I suspect the neighbor had good reason. Well, actually, I don't know. I don't mean to judge. I have no idea. I don't think you I think The soundtrack of her youth. I don't think you could take your kid away, and you can't go get your kid if that really just went down that way. Yeah. Because then anyone, whoever hired a babysitter could just go the babysitter could just go walk him in somewhere and go, I found him alone eating his own boogers and paste. Mhmm. Philadelphia cream cheese. Philadelphia cream cheese. Yeah. Is pulling its ads from ABC's mid season show GCB, which is based on the book series Good Christian b***hes. Mhmm. Right? We were just talking about this in the car, and it changed a good they they say now it's good Christian bells to be political friends. Uh-huh. I didn't know. I thought it was still b***hes. Said a company spokesperson, Philadelphia has decided to pull its advertising from GECB because we have received a few complaints from consumers, and their opinions about our advertising are important to us. We have recently decided to redirect our advertising to other programs. And this show is somewhat controversial. New York City Councilman Peter Vallone called for a boycott of the show because, quote, the title of the show alone is yet another outrageous attack on the Christian faith. Charlie Sheen will be back on 2 and a Half Men before we see a similar title targeting another religion. People are just too precious and politically correct. Oh. Come on. Yeah. Really? We're out. We we need we need a war. We need, like, a real war. Mhmm. Because we're all up each other's asses. Yes. Don't be a hero. No. What happens is is, like, we're we're sorta like we're sorta like a a bunch of, you you know, like, and and it's it's why in high school lunch is only, like, 35 or 40 minutes because if you gave them 2 hours, people just keep fighting each other. Yeah. Like, there's too much we're all milling about. Right. Everyone's sort of fat. We have kinda too many TV sets and too many TV shows and even poor Too much cream cheese? Even poor people are like, I gotta drive a Mini Cooper that's like 3 years old, so I can really feel in it right now and the air conditioning Designer temperature. But it's not frosty. You know, like, even poor people aren't really poor. Everyone's got a flat panel TV and we're all a little bit fat and we're all kinda soft and we're all just up each other's asses and everyone's just busy busy Twittering away, saying snarky things about everybody. And we don't really we're not united behind anything and there's nothing going on. Remember, God bless her Whitney Houston there singing at the Super Bowl and the Jets flying over and the, you know, American flag, the size of the football field being spread out and everyone had a tear in their eye. And it was like, no one was thinking about riding. When you performed with Debbie Gibson. That's right. That's right. I had tears in my eyes. We need every once in a while, we need you need you need a terrorist attack, you need a war, you need an earthquake, you need something, a tsunami. Like, you need something that gets everyone sort of off their s**t because otherwise, you're just like you're you're like siblings that are sitting in a car too long, like, it's a van ride, and there ain't no flat panel and headrest in front of you. Oh. And you're just one of them's gotta pee and then those clogged legs. Shotgun. Yeah. But I got screwed and I'm now in the back and I'm irritable and it's like the Grand Canyon's another 4 hours and everyone's just f**king snarking on each other and it's like daddy and as you're flicking someone in the ear and he's smiling. That's where that's where all that is. People are bored and distracted and paying attention to all the wrong things and not Yeah. And everyone's like everyone's just kinda looking around, looking to send someone a s**tty Twitter, looking to get up someone's a*s. You're fine by the way with the Twitter thing because I know with apprentice this was like all new to me because it's the first time I'm involved in something so pop culture. It's like you take on when you sign on to something like that, you sign on to a whole new full time job of tweeting for the show and in real time. And if you don't, people get pissed off. And it's very it's kind of my very odd. Yeah. Yeah. Are you enjoying it? Or are you getting s**tty tweets or what's No. I'm actually getting a lot of support, and so that's really cool. I'm just I don't I don't know how I or anybody keeps up with all of that. It's just I don't think we're geared to. Yeah. It's odd. And you can't, like, you just can't sit and take things in. You can't sit and just watch the show and take it in. You have to be instantly commenting on it in real time, and it's Well, I know it always talks about that that all the tweeting and updating and stuff makes it so you're not really experiencing things. Right. No. I mean No. I we we talked about That was me, wasn't it? That was you too. That was you you talking about your wife at the concerts just just tweeting away. Talking and Twittering at concerts. Yeah. And, we saw in the Academy Awards or either Grammys or Academy Awards. I can't remember, like, you know, Grammys where someone's getting a standing ovation. It's just 2 chicks sitting behind just going at it, twittering away while everyone else is standing. Like, they didn't even try to see that show. Experiences in it at that point. Mm-mm. They lost the experience. Alright. Let's bring it home. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Tippett c**t. That was the news with Alison Rosen. Oh, but I'll tell you the technology that's gonna save us all. Go to meeting. Oh. That's right. You don't have to get on the plane. I mean, you could could go wait in line and say hi to Debbie's dad. He's actually not there anymore. Yeah. He's like pushing 70. He's retired. Alright. Well, that one more reason not to travel. Exactly. No Debbie's dad. His name is Joe Gibson. And everyone sees just he's jolly Joe Gibson. Jolley Joe Gibson. So many people are like, I met Joe Gibson on TWA. He needs to write his book. TWA is not there. It doesn't exist anymore. He stamped a lot of people's hearts. Go to meeting. Yeah. One more reason again not to get on airplane. No Joe Gibson. Go to meeting brought to you by Citrix. You can now, you can now be face to face. They got the HD faces. You pop up the computer, and you can have these meetings now, and you get all this stuff done, and you can look your compadre in the eye. You just don't have to have any human contact anymore if you don't want to. All the germs and stuff and dander coming off of people for the dander alone. Yeah. I don't even know what dander is. I don't You don't want to. Oh. Be thankful. Sebum and dander. Oh my god. Yeah. Worst morning duo ever. Sebum and dander in the morning. Right. They're so sebaceous. You wanna try it out for 30 days? How about you try GoToMeeting? They got an app. You can put it on your iPad. You can download it. Try it out for free. 30 days free only if you use the promo code, Adam. Visit gotomeeting.com, click on the try it free button, and use the promo code Adam. And, Debbie, what do we got for you? Let's see. You know what? When you were talking about just the the that great morning show duo, it also took me back to another thing. You know, to promote a record back in the day, you had to physically go to every morning show in the country. Yeah. And there was still no guarantee they were gonna play the record, but it was a given that they wouldn't if you didn't. So you had to So you had to. And I do remember, okay, being, like, 16 and and being like, why are people so cynical? Because I just did I didn't get the morning show humor at that age. Now I love it. But, you know, now I do like the radio tour for NBC and afterwards, they go, oh, we apologize that that station was so edgy. I'm like, I, you know, I'm 41 and I'm fine with it and that was fun, but at 16, it's very jarring. But there's also a lot of morning show guys that aren't that funny. They're not that fast on their feet. No. And they're trying to be They only have one angle and, like, one guy, you you because the they they they just do this. Like, someone you could see him. No. No. You just you just bring up an event. Like He's a bander. He's been, like, the That's awesome. You bring up the Oscars. But I see the Oscars last night. Yeah. That's lame. Oh. Lame, dude. Yeah. How about that, Natalie Portman, though? I want Totally. Beat some a*s. Lame. It's beats some a*s. She's on my list. But, it was lame, man. I mean, like, Billy Crystal, man. It's lame. Yeah. I didn't laugh one time, Dan. No, man. It's like it's lame because, you know, you have all these big stars, and, you know, it's totally lame. And they're all together, and they're like, there's Billy Crystal. It's like, you know, he's, you know, he's, like, he's so lame. And it's just lame, man. I don't know, man. I don't know. I saw all those tuxedos. Yeah. Like, all in this pair of jeans. They're totally the tuxedo they're all these lame tuk tuklimos, I call them. And it's just I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I just thought it was lame. You know, man? Blame. Blame. Yeah. So because if you don't have anything funny to say that really does sound like that the phoners do. Be cool and you don't have anything to say and you can't think of anything funny, you just go that that's lame. Like, that show's lame. That thing's lame. That thing's lame. But they also the go to thing for those guys too would be the 5 question game that are all sexual questions designed to embarrass you. Mhmm. What do you hey. Debbie Gibson. What's a lamer sexual position? Exactly. Reverse cowgirl or doggy style on the lame o meter. 1 being least lamest, 10 being lame o matic. Lame o matic. When I was 16, I was like, do I have to endure this to get my record played? Yes. You do. Yes. You do. You wanna spin the wheel lame? We got Oh my god. Hold on. Playing lame, lamer and lamest. Oh, we got some traffic coming in the lame copter 5. Hold on. Lame boys over at Shakeys Pizza right now giving out Snickers. Alright. Alright. This Adam Kroll show 774. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll show 789. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll show 789 featuring Ben Schwartz, Alison Rose, and Brian Bishop. This one's also from 2012. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me. And TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone, and it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier. And rewatch cult classics like higher learning. Oh. Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker. Or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump. Run, Forrest. Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows all for free. Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. So, first, a little, life lesson. Well, of course. A little? Alright. It's gonna take a while. But, you know how whenever I announce I'm on a diet, the the s**t just starts, pouring in. Some director's Life Brings Pies. Yes. I announced I I was on a diet yesterday, and my wife brought home Taco Bell for lunch and In N Out Burger for dinner, which is like, I am call me I know there's something wrong with me, but I I've I've said I've had this with her before. I go, I've said I'm this is it's painful to see this big cardboard box of cheeseburgers come in here, and she's like, it's for the kids. And I'm like, I know. But it's it's hard for me to smell them as they come into the house. You know? I feel like Sunny would rather eat raisins or something. I don't know his eating habits, but he seems like he'd be eating healthy. He probably would. So, there was, so I announced I was on a diet, and yesterday was the Taco Bell followed by the In N Out Burger followed by showing up here with a pumpkin pie and a pecan pie and 2 quarts of ice cream And lasagna. And and frozen Stover's lasagna and a couple bottles of I did drink the red wine, but I I ate Jesus Christ. Oh, g*****n. g*****n. Speaking of Taco Bell, not Taco Bell material, new book. The link is on our website if you'd like to be kind enough and preorder that bad boy. What are you on time for, buddy? You look skinny. Thank you. You know you know, I have some TV stuff coming up, and whenever I have TV stuff coming up, I just kinda take it easy. And, also, I'm also one of these guys who just sort of £200 is kinda my mark where I'll just f**k around, get up to £200. I go when I get to about 200, 201, I go, oops, it's time to get down to 193 again. So I'm in that in that mode. But, thank you anyway. And, yeah, Taco Bell, everybody. I was wildly you know, the book is just a bunch of stories, essentially, and, Ken Crosby, who's the who's, one of the segment producers and the guy I work with whenever I do Kimmel was I I talked to him earlier today and he said, oh, man. I was reading a book in bed last night. I was laughing hysterically except for my wife was asleep, so I had to sort of stifle myself, so I was convulsing. And I thought he was talking about my last book, and I've thought like, it was part of me who was thinking, that's flattering, but on the other hand, hey, Ken. It took you a year and a half to read the f**king book, and we worked together a lot. I'm surprised you didn't claim to be a fan. And, is That's why I'm saying it inspired me to conquer my illiteracy. He was reading the new book, and I said, well, how the f**k did you get the new book? And he said it just literally came over in a file and it was just a pile of papers. He was just thumbing through them, but, never had more praise heaped on me for really anything ever, and this guy's sharp. And, I was like, gee, I didn't think it was that funny, but, it's just a bunch of stories. It's all the stories. It's all the old stories in one hardbound cover with a little bit of life lesson stuff worked in along the way. So, it's the collection of the ones you have heard, some you haven't heard, but it's all in, between 2 hard pieces of cardboard, and I was very flattered that he was convulsing. One of the lessons I actually stumbled across, not in the book, but I said to, Matt Fondolier, the porcelain punisher. I called him up today, and I said, hey. I was watching 2020 on Friday night, and they had this whole story about the kid who jumped off the George Washington Bridge and blah blah blah, and I need that. I I need you to find that and look it up and this, that, and the other, and then I paused. Thanks, Mike. Hand me the paper with all the beat sheets on it. And I said, by the way, I come in here and I go, hey. I was watching TMZ and they had this guy and I saw this on the news and I I saw the stupid tampon commercial, and I've done the thing where I've said to everyone I've worked with on terrestrial radio, and I I'm not I don't wanna sound judgmental or dicky here. I understand how people are wired. I said I've said to everyone, you're all deputized. If you see something funny on TV, if you see a commercial, if you see something that seems good, a peanut allergy or a lotto story or something like that, or you're just watching your show and there's something in it, bring it in or tell somebody you'll find it. We'll run it. We'll talk about it. We'll do it. And in the 10 years I've been doing that, it's been pretty much zero of people bringing in s**t like, hey, boss. I was watching 60 minutes last week. I don't know if you saw this story. It just doesn't happen. And I said to Matt, the porcelain punisher fondlyr, I said, Matt, I'm not blaming anyone. It's human nature. I'm I'm I'm over 10 years on this, but if in I said it's $250 every time we use one of your stories on on the show. I gotta believe there'd be a few of them coming in. And he said, oh, for sure. And I said, yeah. That's how we're wired. And then I said, let me tell you a story about a fella who did nothing but donate his time and never really got paid for it. He was producing bands. He was writing parody songs. He was producing the Kevin and Bean Christmas album every single year. He was, showing up at 3:30 in the morning and editing stuff, cutting tape, little audio tape on his thigh and sticking it back together with scotch tape and essentially doing all the producing, all the writing, and all the heavy lifting for the, Kevin Bean Christmas album. Never got paid. Never f**king got an extra nickel for it. Really didn't get much praise for a couple of that boys. Barely a beer. I said, Did he jump off the bridge? He is hosting a little something called the Emmys. Oh. Todd Stewart. Love that guy. He will be hosting the Emmys in a few months, and he worked for free. And all he did was work. All he did was shut up and work, and he's hosting the Emmys. How does that work? That is the message I want to send to your kids because everybody does that amen and amen and what about a little love? I mean, honestly, I'm not any better in any of us. How, you know, I wouldn't have worked on those albums getting there 4 in the morning, editing, staying late, going and wrangling these bands in and writing songs. No bumps. No pay, no praise. And that times everything. Mister Bertram editing, doing all this stuff, all the bits we did. That was all Kimmel, but guess who's hosting the Emmys? Kimmel. That's right. There so you can go into sort of kind of cruise control of I'll bring s**t in when you pay me to bring s**t in or I'll volunteer my time when you pay me to volunteer my time. It sounds a little counterintuitive. I'll work on this when I get a nickel from that or when I can directly associate me working on this with then it'll get sold, and I'll get a nickel from everyone that's sold in 3 weeks. But Kimmel always did all this stuff on a flyer, and that's how he always approached everything. And now he's hosting gammy's for free, by the way. Not kidding. So he's still stupid. Yeah. Oh, no. I'm not saying he's smart. I'm saying he's f**king broke. He's getting f**ked. You think it's good to have someone like that around because they'll help you out, and they don't want money. I'm just saying the dude who gave it all away, the dude who never asked for a penny, the dude who did nothing but volunteer their time and bringing s**t and do all that s**t is a dude who's hosting the Emmy's, and it's not a coincidence. That's how the dude was wired and is wired. And I don't know how you give that to your kids because we're all so, yeah, I'll come in on a Saturday, but I get golden time. Right? Like, that's where we're all sort of wired for. And I think people feel like they wanna impart the don't let yourself be exploited, don't let yourself be taken advantage of lesson as well, which in certain circumstances is important too. Sure. Have to figure out. Well, we're yeah. I agree. But you're never really exploited because all of the skills that Jimmy had to learn in order to produce a comedy album he now takes with him in a successful late night show. And, ironically, when he's working on doing bits for the Emmys, he will have use he will be using a lot of those same muscles that he used so many years ago producing that Kevin and Bean Christmas album. He'll be doing bands. He'll be doing parody songs. He'll be, you know, whatever it is. It's not one for 1. It's like a push up makes you a little better at football. It's not always practicing football that makes you better at football. When I started writing, I wrote for free for national magazines, and I I did cover stories for them. And I built up all my clips, and I was able to then take those and send them out, and that's how I started writing for people in Rolling Stone very young. And if I hadn't if I demanded that I were paid, I wouldn't have been able to get all those credits. And that's and people sort of understand that a little bit as it pertains to college. College, you don't you're not gonna get paid to go to college, internships, and that kind of stuff, but they don't realize that extends into your professional life. I mean, when Jimmy was doing this stuff, he hid been at his 5th radio station, had a couple of kids, was married, was working, gainfully employed, and full time, and all that stuff, and still was doing all the free s**t on the side because he knew he didn't wanna be the sports guy at K Rock for the rest of his life. Life. Anyway, Question. What percentage of his success or anyone who's successful's success do you attribute to the hard work versus obviously, hard work is important like you're saying, but at the end of the day, you have to produce. You know what I mean? He's talented and his stuff, he worked hard to produce great stuff. I mean, people who work hard and spend their wheels, you have to be talented. Right? You have to be Yep. The proof's in the pudding or whatever, you know, either you wanna use. You know, the thing that's funny about Jimmy is his talent is his ethic and his producing. And while he's funny and while he's talented, his probably greatest talent is putting people together, assembling teams. The the the the engine behind the ideas. I mean, when you really just wanna cut them open and see who's funnier, like, who bleeds, like, if we if you cut open Jimmy's vein and we just drain it into a giant beaker to see how much funny would come out of it. And what's it measured in? Chuckles? I'll bet you. No. Leaders, mil millichuckles. He has chuckle cell anemia. I mean, honestly, Josh Gardner, DFG and writing all the parody songs, he might come he might come up a little higher on the beaker. And honestly, he might. Mhmm. I mean, he's a super super funny guy who will never get an ounce of that to the rear wheels. He has no way of putting people together. He has no way of facilitating it. He has no structure. He has no I mean and and it's a weird thing because we we do that by the way, Winter Bush is the next album that's available on iTunes as we speak. No. I don't and it's not to say Jimmy's not funny. Jimmy's plenty funny, but it's not who's the funniest. It's who is funny enough to do this and then who works it and who can assemble the people and who has the structure and the ideas. It's like the NFL combine. It's like that guy has a faster 40 time and a higher vertical leap and all that stuff, and why is the other guy, you know, starting and making $10,000,000? Well, he's got it. He's got the internal drive, whatever it is. Of football speed, but it's also a combination of not staying up and partying and doing rails with hookers. Yes. Yes. Jimmy does. No. That's what I'm saying. That's right. Oh, okay. We're on the same page. Alright. I don't know. I'm again, he's working for free like an idiot. He's doing a lot of rails with hookers. So all I'm saying is the guy who all those years ago was, working for free is now hosting the, Emmys. Tangent. Thank you. Alright. Let's see. You got some news A Taco Bell box of tacos, rich man, poor man. Mhmm. That's either like, this is this better be lunch and dinner or it's, you know what? They're a dollar 29. Let's just buy a whole box. If there's extra, there's extra, we'll throw them away. Yeah. Rich man, poor man. I don't know, but I love me some Taco Bell. And, I I don't know if they're gonna do anything with my book or not. Like, distance themselves from it. Yeah. Alright. Let's talk about, this whole thing with the Rutgers webcam thing and this, Darun Ravi guy and the Tyler Clemente. The guy the guy jumped off the bridge. Remember this whole thing about a year ago or so? It was just in the news where I don't know what you're talking about. Sentence, sir. They're trying to bring him up on manslaughter charges or something. He filmed his gay roommate, having sex and then put it on the Internet. And Did he did he out him? Yeah. Oh. Mhmm. But then he was sentenced. I don't know if you have it there how many years ago. Clemente is the victim. He's the guy jumped. Oh, sorry. Ravi. Yes. Ravi. Mhmm. And but he came out, and he said that he had texted, the the victim and, you know, apologized and that he didn't have a problem with him being gay, and it was just a prank. Mhmm. It was all, which Shay is all correct except for almost everything, which is he was not outed by this guy. He was out already, and he did not film him having sex. But the media reported that they filmed him having sex. Mhmm. And the media reported that he outed him, and the media reported that he also would have, like, these viewing parties and put it up on the Internet. He didn't do any of that. We're insane now. We're officially insane. We're so hungry for a story. This guy, Clemente, he was depressed. He was clinically depressed, and he killed himself because he was clinically depressed. This guy, Ravi, really did almost next to nothing, and we need a scapegoat, and we cannot stop beating the s**t out of ourselves as a society. We never stop with how racist we are. We never we never give ourself even breath. We we never stop with how racist we are, and we never stop with how homophobic we are. This guy, Ravi, is as big a victim as anybody in this case because he is being f**king lynched for almost nothing. First off, he's an 18 year old kid. Yeah. You have to factor that in, and people go, oh, he's an adult, you know, but What actually happened? What what what actually happened? What actually happened is is he got a weird introverted gay roommate who was a weird dude and depressed. So he got first thing he got was, oh, great. I mean, I was talking about that. I mean, with, Kevin Hench earlier today and it's like, first off, your roommate is a cellmate in college. It's that close. And about the only upside is if you get to hear and bang their girlfriend twice a week or something like that, if you're gonna be living on top of each other. But when the guy's gay, let's face it, not as much fun putting the glass to the to the door or to the wall and hearing them make out with the dude. That's not homophobic. That's just the truth. When it comes to 18 year old dudes with a libido, if you had a you're there's not a homophobic bone in your body The first time in college, that's your entire that's your social circle, your roommate. So he's he's your key to making friends. Right. And there's an element of, I hope this guy's got a hot girlfriend. I hope she's got some hot friends. I hope she can bring I hope we can go out and pick up some chicks. I hope when I'm in the room banging my chick, he can be in the kitchen thing. And when you find out your roommate's gay and he's super introverted and super weird and depressed, that's a bummer. That's when you tell your friends great news. Guess who I got stuck with. So that was that was part of it. Secondly, the guy was bringing over the dude he was bringing over wasn't his boyfriend. It was like older creepy dude who we, like, met on the Internet. So you're living in, you know, 400 square feet and when you're 18 and the 26 year old dude comes by and the dude is got that look like, remember in Boogie Nights? Yeah. Remember the guy, Thomas Jane? Yeah. Yeah. You don't want Thomas Jane from boogie nights when you're 18, like, coming into your apartment and just sort of hanging out and your part your partner going, you know, your roommate going, could you split for a while? You know, like, s**t, man. I got all my stuff in there. Like, just weird Internet cruising on the Internet meant a dude to have sex with, dude. It wasn't, oh, this guy's over Thomas Jake. No. Not Dawson. This guy's it wasn't like, oh, I met this dude at a in a mixer Mhmm. Yeah. At the Delta House. This is the guy from the other dorm over. This is Towny dude coming over who's hanging out in your room f**king now. Supposed to call camp sec when you see them. Right. So that was number 1. Number 2, he just turned on his computer to show the chick he got exiled to a chick's. He had to go wait in a chick's dorm while they're doing it. He got sex out. He basically turned the computer on because he thought this guy may be a criminal and he could turn his computer on mathematically, remotely. Mhmm. And he turned it on and he wanted to see the dude. He wanted to show the dude to the chick he was staying with, like, in case there was trouble. Right. And he show turned it on and they were making out and immediately turned it off. So there's no there was no filming of it. It's off. There's no filming of any sex act and there's no, like, parties or anything like that. We completely f**king strung this guy up. And as a society and here's all I'm saying, don't tell me our media isn't leaning that way because how do you get people that far away from the truth if they don't want any part of the truth? You have to have them leaning that way in the first place. You're cooking up stuff and stuff that's become truth to us. Well, what happened? Well, this guy filmed his roommate having sex, then he had viewing parties, he spread it all over the Internet, he outed the guy and then the guy killed himself. Well, he never outed the guy. The guy was out to his parents. He was out to him. He told him I'm gay and he told his parents he was gay. None of the part about him being severely depressed and by the way, you can't get someone to kill themselves. Right. They kill themselves because they're severely depressed. You're missing a f**king message here, which is why did this guy kill himself? Well, if the reason the guy killed himself is because he has a homophobic roommate, then there's no message sent to any other 18 year olds who are thinking about killing themselves. This is why we're so f**king stupid as a society and why the media does a horrible disservice to our side because we're so f**king hell bent on creating victims and we're so hell bent on creating an environment that's homophobic and racist and sexist and has this crazy agenda. This guy this guy, Darun Ravi, let's see this guy. This guy is the nicest place on the ultimate Frisbee team, like the spindly middle Stoner. He he wait. Just show the first clip. This guy And what follows is a string of allegations one worse than the next. The public is led to believe that Ravi not only watched Tyler having sex with his male lover, but that he secretly recorded the act, posted the video online, and outed his roommate out of spite. How is that hitting you? I was angry that people would make these statements without knowing what the details were. I felt like it was being used by everybody. And sure enough, much of what was reported turned out to be wrong. Did you out Tyler Clementi? No. But then when he brought a guy over and he walked him in and he does this in front of everyone, he doesn't care. He's he's okay with it. Did you record him having sex? No. Did you put anything online of him having sex? No. Did you put people together and broadcast him having sex? No. None of that happened. But it was all said that people believed it. Yeah. And what did that make you? It made me the worst possible person. You are the face of the bully. Yeah. Alright. Now as a monster. Is our society stupid, or do they have an agenda? Are are the news organizations that bad? I mean, when they were to report some atrocity out of Iraq, do they f**k it all up? Do do you know what I mean? I'm curious how this all got so far away from the truth. Did did they have an agenda? The news has an agenda. Their agenda is we're homophobic society. That's the story. There's no story here. Other than that, you'll have a freshman who killed himself, and freshman are jumping off bell towers as we speak. But do you think that someone sat there and was like, this is what the truth is, I'm going to spin it a different way? Or do you think there was some ambiguity in that what I think is there probably was some ambiguity in the facts, and so then they spun. No. You have to want something. You have to want the Duke lacrosse team to be rapists in order to create this case. You have to want that. If you go in with a Woodward Bernstein, I don't know, let's find out what happened here, then you'll find out what happened. If you just wanna uncover details, you'll uncover details. You have to want this to be and then you start pushing it that direction. And then and then and then it becomes a snowball and then everyone gets behind it and here's why we're f**king idiots. We're idiots because a, people start tuning out. Oh, it's a homophobic whatever. Now the next one that comes across are are you gonna believe it? Are you gonna are you gonna have to think about it next time some real atrocity happens? It really is homophobia because we're cooking everything. You see this guy's an 18 year old f**king spindly guy. Doesn't give a s**t about anything. Number 1. Number 2, you could use it as a teachable experience about suicide and suicide prevention. But if it's just the homophobe's fault, then what is there to learn? We're a horrible society. We're homophobic, and that's what gets people to kill themselves. Not this guy was clinically depressed. Right. And where their signs And where their sons no. All f**k f**k all that. Forget that news people. Let's focus on the monster that's homophobic who's all of a £128 and an a student. Alright. No. I think you're exactly right. You can't there's no one thing that precipitates suicide. No. Or else all of us would do it on bad days. It's it's it's an overall depression that goes on on untreated and basically unseen. Mhmm. And it turns out his parents weren't excited. Now I know his parents are gonna have to blame the roommate for suicide because they don't have a mirror at their house, but the bottom line is his parents did not accept this very well, and they were probably a part of it. Part of it's chemical. Part of it's societal. There's a whole bunch of reasons, and they are reasons that could have and would have been discussed except for it could not be discussed. We only had to discuss homophobia that's running rampant in this society. You're right about the media having an agenda, but you need to also recognize, I think, that this trend of, especially online media pushing the whole thing towards, we have to report this as fast as possible. Damn this. Damn the facts. We're gonna get this story out. Well You see it a lot more with, like, remember You shouldn't be in the media. You're damn the facts. Remember when they, they tweeted about, Steven Jobs' death before it happened? And there was a there's a yahoo, news gathering show called There's a difference But they were they there's a difference of jumping the gun and factor. There's jumping the gun and there's erroneous information. You know, there's the 13 school kids were killed. It turns out there was only 9. You know? 4 went to the hospital. 40 things aren't true. I'm talking about that. This is this you have to have an agenda. This is that plus an agenda because it all steers one direction. It does never steers the other direction. It all steers toward the homophobic direction. So it is jumping the gun. It is misinformation, but it's that thing where you're at the liquor store and every time you go in, you they shortchange you and you go, I gave you a 20. And the guy goes, oh, I thought you only gave me a 10. And you go, no. I gave you a 20. He goes, alright. Somewhere around the 5th time, it's always on their side. You start to think, well, there seems to be a theme here. It's not never giving you more change than you deserve. Always kind of on their side. Everyone grabbed it. Everyone hopped on it even months after it, and they just kept riding that. Nobody wanted to know the truth. It became But no one bothered to know the truth. Alright. Well Look. I I agree. They're news people. That's the horrible thing is that they're news people that should take the time to research. Interested in it. They're interested in the titillating story of homophobia and how homophobic we are as a society and why it caused this young man to kill himself. Mhmm. That's the only thing that we've been asking. I feel like that's part of it. Like, there's so many facets of it that make it a TV movie. Alright. What's the next one? Oh, we're gonna start the news? No. No. We have a few more clips. Bully Tyler Clemente. No. I didn't bully Tyler Clemente. Did you bully him? You misunderstood how fragile he was? I really don't think he was very fragile. I think he just Alright. Stop it there for a second. I this part drove me nuts. Do you think you misunderstood how fragile he was? It's not your job as an 18 year old doormate to gauge someone else's fragility. Yeah. That's their business. They're fragile. Look. If you're f**king fragile and I come up slap me on the back and go, how you doing bro ho? And you dislocate your shoulder, that's your problem. That's not me being rough with you. That's you having a spinal problem. Do you understand? Yes. If I tap your car at a parking mart a parking lot and I just tap it going less than 1 miles an hour and you you're paralyzed, that's not my fault. That's you. You have a congenital problem with your neck or whatever it is. Your vertebra is your problem, bro. Yes. 18 year old roommates aren't supposed to know how fragile people are. Right. That's up to them. All he knew is he had a weird guy who was bringing a weird dude over. Alright. Sorry. I think he just didn't like talking to people. That's that's the only thing I got from him. I don't think, you know, just because he's gay doesn't mean he's automatically fragile and can't deal with anything. How could he not be fragile and have jumped off the George Washington Bridge? That's good. Had to be very wrong. Journalism. Right? Something had to be something had to be very wrong. And something was wrong. Robbie learned Tyler complained about him. So he sent his roommate a poignant and revealing text message. You told him that you knew he was gay from the beginning. You told him that it wasn't a problem for you, and that this was a misunderstanding, and that you had guilt. Yeah. Why did you want him to know these things? When I sent that, all I knew was that he wanted a room change. So I figured I need to tell him that he shouldn't feel pressured to do this. Like, this is the only choice. I want him to understand that I'm not there to to make him feel, like, intimidated or anything. However, that text doesn't stop authorities from bringing a case. Alright. Now we're wasting f**king taxpayers' money. We're putting this guy behind bars. You know how much it cost to put on one of these f**king circuses? And, look, it's not his fault that the media picked this up and ran with it and went the wrong f**king direction or that we're all such colossal pussies that we have to attribute everything to everything. Are we bullying? You don't get someone to kill themselves. And bullying that's why this guy looked anything like a bully. No. He's wearing a purple plaid shirt. Log cabin. Yes. Yes. There's nothing. And and to the guy's credit, to, Ravi's credit, they gave him a plea bargain. Like, we'll just admit you hate gays and that's why you did this, and then we'll get to move on. We're so f**ked up as a society. We take the 18 year old who really didn't do anything and we accuse you of doing something and go, okay. I'll tell you what, I'm in a good mood. We won't lock you should be working on your f**king engineering degree, by the way. But I'll tell you what, we won't lock you up for 9 years with hardcore f**king felons if you just admit you hate gay people and that's why you did it. It's like, you cook this story up, not him. Why should he have to f**king admit to something that they threw on his lap? So alright. Now he won't admit it because he has a little something called f**king dignity and he could be locked up or deported or both. Oh. When they actually put him in the prison, then they pick the prison up and drop the f**k off. That's Kuala Lumpur. Throwing out the felon with the prison. His point is is the guy's got a little f**king dignity, and he's saying, I'm not taking the plea deal because I didn't hate him and I don't hate gay people. I'm not gonna f**king have this be on my record and I'm not gonna admit to it because it doesn't exist. It drives me f**king nuts. And the idea that we have a 1,000,000 news outlets and we could easily get to the bottom of all this stuff and you could easily find out the truth quite easily. Most of the stuff just electronic these days. Not interested. Nope. We're homophobic. It fits the agenda and we got this perfectly healthy kid who was psychologically very very even keeled to jump off a bridge because he was gay. Couldn't be further from the truth but it on again, any interest in the truth? News people, do we have any interest? Do you all f**king owe this guy an apology? This guy should have a f**king class action lawsuit against all you a*****es and so should all the guys from Duke lacrosse. I mean, everyone's been accused of being f**king racist and being rapists and being homophobic. They gotta walk around their whole life that way. I mean, you're you're as smart and as red and as caught up as anything. And now I had that. That's what I thought. Yeah. He's the guy who filmed this thing thing and outed him on the, you know, YouTube. That nothing none of that happened. But that's what was told us. What else are we supposed to believe? I'm pretty sure the Duke players did sue the, DA's office. Good. Because it was Nifong who, brought jumped the whole thing up, basically. Good. And that a*****e should be f**king run out of town on a donkey. He's out. He's out. Good. And so should this DA too. I think we have the last clip, clip 5 of talking to, jurors about it. Tyler's suicide, the elephant in the courtroom. You weren't supposed to consider the fact that Tyler Clemente's dead right or that he took his own life. Is that possible? It did not factor in our decision at all. In what they call a very close case, the decision the jury reached may have had as much to do with what they did not see and hear. 1st So if Darun Ravi had a gay friend that he had an open relationship with, you would have seen all of these other things that happened as not being bullying. I would have felt that Tyler would never have the thoughts of being intimidated at all. Alright. So they convicted him of, like, manslaughter or something. And they said, well, the fact that the guy killed himself didn't factor in bull f**king s**t. I don't know if it was probably wasn't manslaughter because you'd have to factor in the corpse at that point. But the point is the guy's looking at 10 years and his roommate's, what, ripping a bong load and balls deep in his buddy right now at some dorm room. You're not you wouldn't that wouldn't be a different factor. Right. Yeah. You can't unknow something you know. So Especially when somebody's dead. And if you just get rid of the part where the guy killed himself, you have one roommate f**king around with his other roommate a little bit. Mhmm. A little bit. Right. And even that is he didn't actually film it. It's so f**king sad, the society we're living in. And what the f**k is going on with the news? And by the way, you guys call yourselves journalists? You've got nothing right and you f**k up left and right. So please stop hitting it with your f**king agenda. You report. I've said this many times. You report the news. You don't make it. You don't twist it. You don't bend it. You don't put f**king cool whip on it. You just f**king report it. And I know you have an agenda but this doesn't work with your agenda. So you have to wait around for a story that does. But you're not allowed to make one into a story that fits your f**king agenda, you asswipes. Of course, they have an agenda. Not a notion that we try to think this society and the news people don't have a f**king agenda is insane when you know all the details of what happened with this actual story. And, So where do things stand now with this? Well, he's appealing it because the f**king r****d jurors convicted him and he's appealing it and he would not take the plea thing which basically had would we need him to stand. Like, we're we're so starving for, homophobic and we're we're we have such a thirst for homophobia, and we have such a thirst for racism and sexism where we literally go, just stand up and admit you hate gay people so we can beat off and go home and admit we are in a f**king horrible homophobic society, and then we'll let you walk. Just lie. Just admit you hate gays. Just admit it and then we'll let you go home. Of course, you're f**king hungry for it. It's so sad. This is really it's the least homophobic, least, this country is easily the least homophobic and easily the least racist and sexist nation on the planet. Sorry. Sorry, everyone who hates it. Sorry for everyone who won't see the truth. Yes. Is there homophobia? Yes. Is there racism? Yes. Is there is there, xenophobia and, sexism? I can make argument for that. Yes. Yes. But nowhere near what you guys not think make it. They're not thinking it. They're making it. You understand? We think we're 60% of people walking around are racist and homophobic, but we're not at 60%. We're not even in the double digits. So what do we do? We gotta spin some news and we gotta pad those numbers. And it's f**king sad when it happens to guys like this because they are f**king more victims than the guy jumped off the bridge. Alright. Anyway, just wanted to, straighten that out with you people. Fun times. Good times. Alright. My sides hurt. Should we take ourselves a little, should we take a little break? Yes. Yeah. Mhmm. We got, Ben Schwartz in here. He's gonna come in. What the hell is this show? House of Lies. House of Lies. Oh, they're very aptly titled House of Lies. Lies, well, the news, what can I have to complain about? Kansas City Uptown Theater this Friday and, Lincoln, Nebraska, Rococo Theater this Saturday. So check that out. Quick break right back after this. Yeah. Ben Schwartz here from House of Lies. Hello? Finale. Good to see you, Ben. Sorry. Good to see you. Pause. Season I was I was like, is that where I say my name, the big pause? No. It was me. Showtime, 10 PM. April 1st, big, season finale. Don Cheadle, one of, one of the greatest actors we have, I think. And, Kristen Bell, super sweet. Yeah. She's a really nice person. You Yeah. Could spend some time with her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Both of those guys. The 4 of us play the main characters, them and then this guy Josh Lawson. They're all insanely nice and insanely talented. Yeah. Cheadle's nice, So funny also. Any stupid bit you start behind the scenes, he'll continue. Anything you say, he'll yes and and make a joke and it'll be great. Yes and and not only that but? Yeah. I know. Wow. Yes and then but and then how. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's an improver. I like that. Advanced. Ben, I was reading here that you started off doing freelance writing for, monologue for Letterman's monologues and then, getting into SNL. Yep. As well, the news on SNL. Yeah. I did freelance. So I faxed in jokes. So I wasn't like a real writer. I was never a staff writer. I freelance. So, I had to buy a fax machine and buy a landline, in order to do that. And then you get paid so little when you get a joke on that. It would just fund that. The landline and the back seat. Yeah. Well, what did you average, like, on your best What's my batting percentage? Well, I that's unfair because because people don't realize that you would get cut from any minor league team in the country with that batting average. Absolutely. Because for if if you're getting one joke for 25 that you submit, you're doing pretty damn bad. That would be you're an all star. That would be your all star. Yeah. That's like Mark Maguire numbers. That's right. That's right. You're choosing. Yes. That's exactly correct. Your computer's on creatine at that point. Yeah. It's just leaking out all of its USB ports. To your keyboard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, the keyboard would be huge all of a sudden. Like the first season would be really tiny keyboard, then it's like this massive three level keyboard. Address a senate committee and then the power code guy come out and talk about it. It starts crying. Its kids don't know what's going on anymore. Space bar would shrivel up. That's right. It's terrible. That's right. Somebody writes a tell all book, Conseco writes a tell all book about your keyboard. Right. Right. But you can't read it on computers. It's only paperbacks, so the keyboard feels even worse. It has nothing to do with it. See, this is the a*s land at its finest. I don't even know what we're talking about. We have a tight 3 hours of this. Right? There's no reason to use a tight 3. I feel like after 85 or 90 minutes, we move into monitors. Oh, that's smart. Yeah. That's right. Transition into monitors. Then we see if we get sponsors for the rest of it sort of waste our time. And we start talking about computers in general. Like, what's up with the tower? Hey, buddy. You're up to my shin. Is that a tower? That's good. Godzilla? Uh-huh. Hold on. It's perfect. Yeah. It's good stuff. Oh, we should save it for hour 3. You know what? Let let's fax this s**t into light of our day. Let's make some money. Let's up that average. God. So smart. I feel like I've learned more in the first 20 seconds of the show. We should quit now, man. This is it. You know what? When you climax this hard, this strong Now roll over and have a smoke. Don't go for number 2. You pull a cab. Don't you dare. Take your time. Rest up. It's gonna take 10 minutes. We're in a refractory. You guys carry the show. We're cruising in refractory. I want virtual Adam to take over. Go ahead. Thank you, Paul Brian. That's why you I'm gonna lean back. Yeah. This is virtual Adam. Wait. What does virtual Adam do? I don't Let the baby have his bottle. I figured big boy. I figured out about 5 key phrases I could almost conduct an interview. Can I say can I say a sentence and you reply as virtual Adam? We'll see if it actually works. Adam couldn't be more happy if he tickled his balls right now. Oh, thanks for so much for having me on the show, Adam. So what do you wanna talk about? I don't know about that. Yeah. No. It doesn't make much sense. I'm just I'm just saying, like, do you wanna talk about the news or do you wanna say some jokes or That's why you get the big bucks. Thank you so much for having me on, Adam. It was really nice to be here. And, is there anything you wanna plug? What are you gonna do? No. I think you have to end with a statement. Like, when you go with a question, that's where the problem comes from. Chiming in. Okay. So, like, okay. So, like, so, jeez, I think Jeremy Lin is losing a little bit. He's injured now. He's a big boy. It works perfect. Alright. Hold up. Hold up. But I even with that, I think the Knicks still have a chance to get into playoffs. I mean, they they're still pretty good. I don't know about that. Maybe. I know because Omari's injured also. But if you give them some time, I feel like by the end of the season, they should get there. What are you gonna do? You're right. No. You're right. Try first try Isaac Hayes. I think you can do the same thing with Isaac Hayes. Me and Isaac Hayes had a 2 person show. It is it is a good thing. Yeah. Got it. Same type of thing and then a statement? Yeah. Isaac, but the whole idea of you dropping out of South Park kinda was weird. Do you still feel do you still feel like that was the right decision? It's a pleasure. Sometimes. It works it works well. I ate eggs today, and it was delicious. It's good. So this is just your show all day? I'm not talking. For the rest of the time? Sometimes. Yeah. Is this a new couch, Isaac? Yeah. Alright. I'm not doing any better. It also means that your man is very good playing virtual. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know. And he's gonna parlay this into 1,000,000 one day. Need you anymore. That's his own that's his own podcast. So, and also Can I ask a question? This is so bad. Have you ever had Virtual Adam talk to Virtual Isaac, so literally no one has to be in this room? Oh. No. That's too fast typing. Okay. I understand. Understand. There'll be lag time. But if you give me enough notice, I could do it. SNL, I will oftentimes just fast forward to the news and watch that Really? On SNL. Did you go through the SNL thing? Do you audition for weekend update and stuff like that or no? No. I've never never been invited there. Never I've never had anything to do with it. I feel like I interviewed and known a 1,000 people that have gone through those doors over the years. And I loved Norm Macdonald doing the news, but I like Dennis doing the news, and I liked all of them. I I realized it's when you start when you're on your 5th newscaster that you really like, you realize you just kind of like the format of them taking what went on during the week and telling the jokes. I agree. That guy sounds hot. And I also think that we should be able to watch. It's really kinda cool because they have to be completely topical and have to really sort of capture the big stuff of what went on that week. Uh-huh. And I'd love to see one from Neil and I'd love to see one from 87 because I bet they'd bring up a bunch of s**t about stuff that you just remember from your Ollie North and Teddy Ruxtable or whatever the Yeah. Rex Fin. Rux Fin and all that stuff. Teddy Ruxtable is also that's like the Huxtables meet Teddy Ruxtable. Right. Yeah. Bad sweatered animatronic little teddy bears. But all the s**t like, you if you just saw one from 1988, you'd just be going, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just remembering your past automatically. Yeah. They said back then they used to have, someone under the desk writing jokes and handing it to them, like, live while it's happening. While someone's thinking of a joke, they would throw it to them. Supposedly, that used to happen. That's what happened with Ben. Get under the desk. Oh, for the jokes? No. Man, no. It's so weird. Like, the only way you can tell me a joke is you have to talk through my penis microphone. And I literally they're like, it's not on yet. They, like, get it warmed up. Right. That's why. The soundtrack. You get the band. And if I really like one of the jokes, I'll let you know. Yeah. By the way, they always let me know. Yeah. Every single time, they let me know. And on the other, I never got one on. I You never got one on? No. I was Who were you who were you writing them for? I wrote for I got I got 2 or 3 on weekend update. I wrote for, it was, I think it was Fallon and Tina Fey. No. I'm not thinking about that. It was Amy. Amy Poehler. It was Amy and Tina Fay. And, Tina Fay was having a baby, so Horatio stepped in. Mhmm. And I've been freelance for a bit, and Horatio said, mine were always a little bit racy. And Horatio said, 2 of my racier things. And they went over the last they got were so fun because the audience go, like, one of those. Right. One of the man. It happened so long ago. I wish one of them was, there's a oh, one there's a new the Mint is releasing a new coin, showing Thomas Jefferson with a hint of a smile. A smile that says, hey, you see that slave over there? Yeah. I tap that a*s. Right. Like, it'll be jokes like that. And then, like, the audience didn't know how to react. Right. So I got 2 on the same trip from that. Isaac loves that joke. I always like, and and I don't know why, but when the audience doesn't know how to react, it'll it's funny because one of the only people that tells them how to react is Bill Maher. Like, Bill Maher is like, Bill Maher will just have his audience is just a bunch of people and you just get up there and you go, call me old fashioned, but I think every child, no matter the color of your skin or your heritage has a right to a good education. And it's like, you know, you just throw all those just sort of Yeah. It's applause meters. And they must have something, but all you do is throw out some of those. Sometimes the best man for a job is a woman. And it's like and you could just you just go and load it with about 5 of those and sit back and enjoy it. But every once in a while, once in a while, Bill Maher will say, this guy, it's usually when you do some Hitler reference or something that confuses people and the audience would be like, what? And he'll turn and yell at them. I'm not saying that's me. I'm saying that's him, you idiot. Oh, that's all I got to laugh. No. I get it now. But he's the only guy I know will actually yell at the audience. I like that. You're not anti Semitic. You're talking about someone who is anti Semitic. I totally get it now. I totally get it. There's a little math that's hard for audiences to do, which is if you get 2 or 3 references away, they'll just stop on the last one and get f**ked up. But, just halt. Yes. So, I'm sorry. We're we're I feel like so I got a so my batting percentage was I got maybe 15, 16 jokes on Letterman, and it was right when I was 21, right when I got out of college. Oh my god. Yeah. But for me, that was the I was a page there. I didn't have any my whole family is, like, social workers and, Bronx school teacher and stuff like that, so nobody's in entertainment. So it was huge that I was a page. I even let people in the audience. That to me was amazing. And I got to watch him say my jokes because I was there. Oh. So it's crazy to watch that. Would you know from rehearsal in advance? No. He doesn't he wouldn't rehearse. He wouldn't know. You know, he must have backstage. You'd just be kind of waiting for your joke. It's the most nerve true. It's funny. I never talked about this. The the he kept doing jokes. You don't know how long his model is gonna And then, you can't see my hand. This doesn't work in a podcast. But he would point to Schafer, Paul Schafer. And the second he points, it means his monologue is over. And every time points, if you hear really, like, in the background, you hear me going, f**k that. So I didn't get any jokes on. But just like, come on, you f**king a*****e. Yeah. But then when I get one on, it was like I remember at the beginning, everybody writes so many familiar jokes that are so similar that it could not be sometimes it's not your joke because Mhmm. If Paris Hilton run, you know Mhmm. I remember Paris Hilton got, rear ended. It's like everybody's gonna write 60 rear ended Paris Hilton jokes. Sure. So you, like, learn, I try to write more obscure ones while still writing in his voice. I just came up with a great idea for a late night talk show host where, show where I host. So far, it sounds amazing. I have no riders. So far, we're down. We're down a notch. We started high. We're down lower. It's called It's a hit. It's called America Makes a Joke. And you guys, America Okay. Right? They all America has to send in all their jokes Country. For the monologue, the entire country. Yes, sir. Every day. Now the monologue sucks, but every single person in the country is watching. Just to see if they got a joke on. See if they got a f**king joke on. That's a great idea. That's the greatest ruse in the world. That's one of the best jokes. You watch, you may we'll send you a Chili's gift certificate up to $50 if we use one of your jokes and there's a good chance you may see one of your jokes on national television. I'm gonna stay up all night writing. 100%. All you need is like 5,000,000 joke writers. Yep. And they'd all sit up every night, and they have to watch every second of the monologue. Uh-huh. And then I'd go, oh, and there's a bonus joke we sneak in at the end after the band plays. Away from the band. After the band. Just after I say thank you and good night, there's this quick bonus joke. I said Yeah. And that's it. That's all made up. Commercials. You put all the commercials and then the special joke that's with, like, the $1,000,000,000 lottery. The entire audience is super disappointed joke writers, but I have huge numbers. And you only accept the real racist jokes for no reason. Your your show becomes just a terrible show? That's right. Really smart. Accept faxes. Right. But they can never count they can never cancel us because the numbers are so amazing. It's amazing. Everyone's staying up. Your 18 to 49 demo is huge. Oh, shoot. Give me a break. Give me a break. Another great show. Alright. Alison Rosen, you wanna, queue up some, news, baby girl? Maybe we'll, jump in on some of that? Can we all call her baby girl? Just do it. Go ahead. Alright. Well, we'll see if it feels natural. Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip and Cut your time. Jackpot in Friday's Mega Millions lottery drawing has risen to half a $1,000,000,000. That's more than 1200, Adam. Wow. Uh-huh. It's the largest in the game's history after Tuesday night's drawing produced no winning ticket. Mhmm. And initially, they'd estimated that it was 476,000,000. But then a couple hours later, they said, no. It is 500,000,000. I think Lynch or Gary or someone was telling me there was a line of r****ds waiting outside this gas station to buy these f**king tickets. And Yeah. Also, I want all these people rounded up. I mean, for two reasons. One is, the 36,000,000 not enough to get you out of your 1 bedroom apartment and your slippers, number 1. So a, stupid. B, I know all these people are deadbeat dads, and I know that f**king money I know there's hammered welfare checks that are being used to buy that f**king money. I want all these f**king people rounded up. So no office pool for us? No. And I've said this a 1000000 times. A lot of people are doing that. Worst message a government can send its people is the lottery. You think about it. If you were a guidance counselor at a high school and you instructed one of your kids start playing the lottery Yeah. You'd be fired immediately. People would be outraged. Like, that that is the worst. Everything that this country is is work hard, educate yourself, bust your butt, even playing field, all this roll up your sleeves and get to work, and all this is is the exact opposite of that. The message from the lottery is sit back and hope something good happens. Come on. You have a 1 in a176,000,000 chance of winning. Those are good odds. God will not smile on you. You'll have no chance. It is the opposite of everything that we preach at our schools and in this country. It is the opposite of this country. Right. It's the cheap antithesis of it, and it should be f**king illegal. And the idea that the money goes to the school system is like selling crack cocaine and giving it to giving the extra money to pregnant moms. That would sell better than those chocolate bars that you were talking about yesterday. No. I'm saying door to door. I'm saying we should do that. Yeah. Oh, this is a this is an idea. This is a plan. Yeah. No. It wasn't a joke. I'm so sorry. No. I mean it. No. This is f**king horrible. It should be legal. It's r****ded gambling. It's gambling for addicted people that really can't make it out to Lofland and can't make it to one of the bicycle casinos. Yeah. They can't make the prim or, oh, where the f**k's that town? Oh, Baker. The scariest thing is that you said that nobody won last time. So, essentially, everybody could buy tickets, and, again, nobody could win. I love I hope no one ever wins, and, eventually, we all just f**king cave in on ourselves. And the idea that, oh, the money's going to the school system. How's LA, and California schools rank nationally? How have we done since we got all the f**king mega 1,000,000 dollars? So is it helping the school system? I don't know. I think the school systems did better. I'll bet the standardized testing was a lot better before the lottery kicked in. Number 1, so it ain't helping anybody beats the worst f**king message you can send to a human being who lives in your society. You should hope. You show me a society where everyone plays a lottery, I'll show you a horrible society. Is there an age limit on the lottery? Do you have to be 18 or does it even matter? Probably need to be 18. Yeah. Yeah. Here's every news report on this story that's on TV right now. Throw into you, Cheryl. Hey, Don. Cheryl, if you won the lottery, would you still come to work tomorrow? I would. Only for you, Don. By the way, Don and Cheryl are f**king. We can get that out of the way. Right? Don and Cheryl are straight up f**king the way they're talking to each other like that. Yeah. Yeah. But the best thing is the way you said at the beginning. At 35,000,000, not a lot of people are lining up. But now it's 500,000,000. Right. It's an insane amount of money regardless of what it is. Sure. That this, like, oh, 500 but I couldn't do what I really wanna do with 30,000,000. But now with 500,000,000, I could really get that car loan. Yeah. Your guys had, like, a moped that was impounded 6 months ago and doesn't have a $133 to get it out. You don't think the 35,000,000 is enough to get you off the f**king worn sofa. And, you know, there was that thing where they go, would you quit your job? And my answer would is I would not quit my job because that implies I'd have to pick up the phone and call somebody. Right. I just not show up. There's no official quitting of anything. I would not be there. They said when people who win the lottery, they always get hit up and they're more likely to get killed and commit suicide. There's huge things that people because all their friends hit them off for all their money and it becomes they can't go out at night. The people try to rob them. There's a huge documentary about it. Anytime What I think is the sample size though that they're able to do to get these statistics off. Oh. I mean, at least Don and Cheryl, that's 2. Yeah. They're all over the state and all over the states, because every state has their own lottery, and the s**t's been going on for 30 years now in a lot of these states. And you'd be surprised and not everything is $500,000,000. Sometimes it's just $2,000,000 and Mhmm. What happens is you get the super poor guy who gets $2,300,000. Well, the first rook is the part where they go, would you like half of it? Yes. If okay. If you win the 500,000,000, you can either get it as an annuity over 26 years or you can get it in a one time lump sum payment, which would only be 359,000,000. And then you pay taxes on that 350,000,000? Right. Which would make it, what, a 100, 80,000,000? You're down to 200,000,000 easily. How can you live on that? That's impossible. You gotta wait till it gets bumped up. That's, like, 800,000,000 to start playing the lottery. That's what Adam's saying right now. Wait till you get to say it's 100. Yes. Yeah. Right. The stories are always horrible because the person thinks $2,200,000 is enough for them to lead the rest of their life. So they start buying, like, houses and boats and Right. Putting their high school jersey number on Cadillacs and and things like that. I guess I'm talking about the Jews. Alright. I've said it. The point is this. And their friends wanna borrow money, and the next thing you know, their old lady seeing their best friend, and then there's an insurance thing, and then the guy's dead. He's gotta kill himself. I've seen those documentaries. It never comes out good. It does not come out good whether you're a child of a rich guy who invented his own, you know, software company and did and it was a self starter and then just dumped you a bunch of money on your 18th birthday Sure. Or you win a lottery. When you get money dumped in your lap for no good reason, when you don't earn it and whether it's a ton of money or even a little money, whether it's the stipend from the from the state or it's the megabucks, it never works out. Why? Because you did not earn it, and by not earning it, you don't have the tools that you would need to deal with it. See, the guy who started his own corporation made $500,000,000 has 20 years of experience behind him and knows exactly what to do with that money. When it just gets dumped in your lap and you're used to making $11 an hour, you f**king go nuts. I think you're more afraid of losing it also. If you work for it, you're way more afraid of losing that money as opposed to when you just get it. Sure. You respect it more because you realize you didn't just go down to liquor store by 40 and a lotto ticket. You actually f**king I'm not talking about the Jews. You're gonna read between the lines. I'm I'm saying this. It should be illegal. Gambling is illegal. Mhmm. Can't bet on football games. Can't bet on sports here. You can't play 21. We've decided that there's a moral issue with gambling in the state. This is a r****ded form of gambling that is aimed at under educated people, and it's a f**king horrible message to send especially to the kids who go to school, which it claims to benefit except for if you look at the test scores, it does not. Get rid of this f**king scourge known as the lottery. You have more chance of dying in a fireworks accident than winning the lottery. You said 1 in a 175,000,000? 100 and 76,000,000. So, essentially, if if if a 176,000,000 people bought one ticket, they would win. That's right. That would be so smart. That's what you're saying. $576,000,000. Yeah. Literally, that's how to win. But there's no way that's correct, but that's the way. Awesome. I'm getting pretty heavy on it. Mhmm. That's what it is. Mhmm. Alright. I've said my piece. So guess what, Adam? Here's something Is this the segment called guess what, Adam? Yeah. Oh, I love this. This is my favorite segment. Guess what, Adam? Yeah. Go. I'm looking up at line 1 and, Dusty from Seattle, and I love me a Dusty, especially a 20 year old Dusty, did what I said to do, which was refuse to do the mandatory sexual harassment seminar that the employees all have to do now. That's a good guess. But, actually, what I wanted to tell you was, turns out you were right about something meat eating animals lose their sweet tooth over time. Evolution. Humans eating? You say humans eating? No. Okay. See, we had this whole debate on the podcast about whether dogs will eat pie. Mhmm. Because Adam said that they his dog wouldn't, but Brian and I felt that no dogs will eat, water balloons, and they'll also eat pie. And dogs are not mentioned in this story. However, European and US scientists, there's findings that say that animals that are carnivorous, so meat eating animals, appear to lose their ability to taste sweet flavors over time. Most mammals are believed to possess the ability to taste, sweet, savory, bitter, salty, and sour. However, they discovered that in domestic and wild cats, due to there's a gene defect Mhmm. That makes it so that they can't taste sweet things. And then the same team examined 12 different mammals who subsist mainly on meat and fish and focused on a couple of the sweet taste receptor genes and found this mutation that makes it so they can't taste sweet stuff. I was schooled on this by everyone on Twitter who said their dog would break into a sack of muffins Mhmm. And tear everything apart. I will concede that everyone has a horrible dog that eats anything and tears into everything. I think it's in a weird way, I think it's more a discipline thing than a taste thing. Yeah. Maybe. My dog is a like, my dog is like a lord Rothschild. Like, will not you know, needs to can food and needs it to be busted up in just a certain way. And needs to watch you busted up. Watch you busted up. And I'm like, give her f**king kibble. Like, oh, she won't eat that kibble. So her thing is all about protein. It has to be bacon. It has to be skin. It has to come from an animal, and it has it it can be cottage cheese. It just needs cheese, dairy, protein. Yeah. Even a nut. My dog will eat nuts because there's protein. She's in South Beach? They eat peanut butter and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. But right. But there's no way she'll eat a piece of fruit unless it's got some meat fat or something protein y on it, and she won't eat a piece of bread because it's all gotta be sort of passed through her protein thing. But I've been told by everyone now that they all have a dog that will gladly tear into anything that's edible and and devour it. But I don't know how much of that is they crave bran in their system or they just are just f**king wild animals that just are hungry and all that. You train them. I remember my I had a a dog grown up and we would anything that was on the kitchen table, we would just feed him. So he just got used to eating anything we f**king throw at his face. And then anytime then then it became don't leave it out on the kitchen table because he will eat anything because we just trained him that what we're sitting at his table food exists. But you would like if you're sitting at a table and you're eating a steak and you drop a scrap piece of fat or gristle or whatever, the dog will definitely In a sec. Mow that down. But if you're eating a piece of braca flour and it doesn't have any of the steak fat on it, it's just like braca flour and you put it down to the dog, the dog just kinda sniffs it. At least that's what my dog does. But it's like, no thanks. Put it in mouth and slowly spit it out. Like, how dare you? Like, slowly spit it out. I'm looking at you. Oh, one of the greatest things I ever did was I'd go to that Zanku chicken. Sure. And they'd give you the chicken and the beef and the shawarma and all that good stuff. You'd be eating that stuff, but they also give you that weird pickled horseradishy, weird radish thing. And it was red and radishy. And for some reason, it tastes horrible, but it there's things that taste horrible, but if you take one bite of them at the right time in between bites of things that taste good, they get better. Yep. I think it's that thing, like, where you're like, if you come and choke yourself out at the same time, it's better. But if you just choke yourself out, like when you're driving It's not nearly as much fun. Not as good. Not as much fun. Onerotic asphyxiation? No. Just asphyxiation. Yeah. Auto asphyxiation. If you're just laying in a hospital bed and someone puts a pillow over your head Not fun. Not that great. Because in your hands anything. Someone's doing that. Right? My god. Yeah. Yeah. So if they take the belt of their ghee and pull it just tight enough when you're coming There's ghee. That's good. Yeah. So this weird radish thing is one of those things where if you take a bite of it in between the chicken and the lamb or whatever, it's so much good. But I was eating my buddy Alex's house when I was house sitting. I'm in his f**king little dog, Barney. Never. It's like it's side tail. Come on. Give me. Give me. Give me. Give me. And I'd give it some skin because I don't wanna eat the skin. You know? I'd give it a little piece of gristle, but it kept bugging me. And eventually, I gave it that horseradish thing. And the thing just did the and I go, here you go. Here you go, Barney. And I went, and then did they and it just falls out. I like when the dogs they don't have an ejection system. Right. They're not James Bond. Grabby. Bundles out. Yeah. It'd be like if James Bond opened the door and pushed the guy out versus hitting the switch, you know, like, they just go Right. And it just falls out. It's a good thing dogs can't spit. I feel like there'd be a lot of dogs that Yeah. f**k out of here with this s**t. A lot of attitude. A lot of attitude. To hold the batweilers, people, stuff like that. So it just opened its mouth and let the thing fall out and gave me the what the f**k. I can't believe that came from the Styrofoam container you've been eating all the other delightful things out of. But I found that dogs don't like stuff other than that, but everyone has told me everyone their dogs dig into everything. So, Mabryl. Great. Ice cubes. Sea lions, fur seals, Pacific harbor seals, Asian small clawed otters, spotted hyenas, and bottlenose dolphins, cannot. Delicious. Yeah. Is everybody gonna steal it? They can't taste sweet stuff. Good. Mhmm. However You don't want them to experience pleasure? Their dentists are pissed. They're they're I'm a dentist. Who do you work on? Just the bottlenose dolphins and the otters. Just the f**king otters. It's always the same. Same x-ray every time. But racc**ns, can the Canadian otter, the spectacled bear, and red wolf, who are animals that are exposed to sweet flavors Mhmm. Are able to Those are classy animals. You're talking about classy animals. Right. Ones that go through your trash and find your ho hos and things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mhmm. Should we talk to, Dusty real quick? Dusty? Hey, Ace. How's it going? Good. Dusty from Seattle. What's happening? Oh, I'm just on my lunch break calling the Ace man. So I I basically proposed that, everybody within the sound of my voice, next time they do one of these r****ded mandatory sexual harassment meetings, we should not go, and they couldn't fire everybody. They do we have a society where they go, oh, you don't go to this meeting, you'll be fired. Absolutely. Tell that to the 400 people who work in this building who will not be there. You're gonna fire everybody in this f**king building and then do what Monday? And by the way, you're gonna have wrongful termination suits if you fire a bunch of people for not going to a sexual harassment meeting unless you can prove there's a history of sexual harassment. Right. You have no history. If you have a long history of an of employment and no history of sexual harassment, I don't think you can fire somebody for that. I I think you could take it to the Supreme Court and hold on. You could say that those meetings are putting the thoughts in their heads that this is how I can sexually hara*s. Oh, I could do this is something that I could do? Right. I can touch breasts? Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, Dusty, you you refused. And I'm also sure that in this world where you can get a kosher meal in prison if you have to, that you could just say whatever religion you were said you can't go in and talk, have a woman speak to you about such man matters, and you could definitely get out on a religious past. Okay. You do what all he did with Vietnam. Yeah, man. They're making a movie about that. Interjection real quick. This is this is answered all your problems. Mhmm. You need to found a religion. And like like like a religion that all these tenets are, our religion does not allow me to go to these meetings. My religion does not allow me to to see So far. Mashed fruit iced tea. It's called This is why I knock out all these things. It's called the I'm smart. I'm only planning on living to my mid seventies, so why are you f**king wasting my life? But I'm gonna have to shorten it up and call it something. Call it something. Yes. That's right reverent. Yeah. That's right. Add a adenix? At an annex is probably the smart. Dusty? Yeah. So you where what what kind of place do you work at? Well, I work in a, like a plumbing supply company, and there's a warehouse side, and there's kinda like a sales side. Uh-huh. And, I started the job in, like, November. Mhmm. And then, I a part of my training, I had to watch, like, an hour, you know, sexual harassment video. And I was like, okay. That's fine. You know? One of those horrible nineties, you know Mhmm. Movies. But best follow it if you're like, I was running up and groping somebody at work, which never really happens. I mean Sure. Sure. But I watched it for part of my training because I just started the job. You know, I didn't wanna make any waves. And then, in December, so, you know, a month later, somebody on the sales side said, like, an obscene joke or something that got somebody riled up. So they called, like, a mandatory meeting for everybody to watch this video that me and, like, 4 of their new hires just watched, like, last month. Right. And, I talked to them. I'm, like, we just watched this. We don't have to go. There's no reason we've already we've been trashed in our minds. There's no way reason we should go this. Everyone's just scared. And, everyone was like, yeah. I'm down. Maybe we just watched that stupid thing. And, my boss gets all free to just gets me to the right thing. HR is gonna be all up on her a*s if we, you know, if we, if we don't do this. Did you do it? And then I I called up HR, and I was, like, up in corporate. And I'm like, listen, we just watched this video a month ago. It's gonna be a waste of our time. And, she's like, yeah, it's fine. You guys you guys watch it. You know what you know what it was all about. We just had a test on it. And I'm like, see, there you go. And my boss is my boss who was filling out his Mega Millions lottery ticket today was Thanks, Dusty. Hey. Hey. Look. The point is anybody can say they were sexually harassed. So why bother having a f**king meeting about it? Mhmm. And you'll know when you're sexually harassing somebody. And the scale is so broad because everyone has done stuff and seen stuff and had stuff happen at work that's completely would completely cross the line from any meeting. And there's no real scale for sexual harassment. Like, there's no yardstick to measure it. There's we've all done a kajillion things that would fall under the heading of sexual harassment as described by these women with the huge, amber beads. There's like when someone says I feel threatened or I felt threatened. Right. I would've approved. It's a f**king huge waste of time and it's in one more it's basically one more way our society is being becoming less productive and worrying more about f**king bullying and harassment and everything else that we really can't f**king control. You'll know it when you see it. Now let's get to work. And it's the only thing, like, you have to get a DUI in order to go to alcohol treatment counseling. Uh-huh. You this is the only thing where you do this r****ded preemptive strike. Like, you go to it before there's any history of it. And I'd also argue that if you have 5 of these under your belt, you don't need to go to another one. You should agree. What new developments are there in sexual harassment? Yeah. There should. It should be like a tetanus shot. Nineties video. I will tell Dusty to lay off the phrase, it's still fresh in my mind when you're talking about sexual harassment videos. That doesn't good that doesn't bode well when you're telling me about, like, oh, I still remember the last one. Yeah. My question is, do you think this is an honest question, though. It may sound like a joke. Do you think that there is sexual harassment training for strippers or escorts before they do it? Or were you working in a strip club? Mhmm. And would the rules be totally different? You mean, like, it's a corporate world. Like, it's if if it's like Like a big corporate, like, Spearman Rhyno. It's like exactly. Are the rules totally are they is does sexual harassment exist in that world? Mhmm. Well, it's probably like a a weird opposite sexual harassment. That's I love this idea. Like, somebody what if somebody offers you $20 to suck their c**k? Right. Well, obviously, you you look at that as an attack that $50 would be much more appropriate. Right. Right. Right. Right. And And, like, I was talking to my boss and all he did was look at my eyes. Mhmm. Yeah. Right. It was terrible. Yeah. And, you know, there's all sorts of etiquette about tipping the DJ. A percentage of the door. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's say you've been having a bad day and he throws on cherry pie and you kick you kick your your groove into the next level Absolutely. And thus some 20 start making it rain on stage. Uh-huh. If you don't tip that guy out, then we got a problem. Absolutely. Human resources. That's the equivalent of sexual harassment at the strip club. That's right. Right. Uh-huh. Mhmm. Hey, buddy. We got a mandatory meeting coming up. I spell meeting, m e a t. I change stage 4 stage 4, James. Always a little business for them to take care. That's amazing. Alright. Where were we? You may see now that during during the show While she's on stage, Kandi's up on stage. But, before she gets off, remember to feel her tits or we all get in trouble. That's Kandi, c a n d I e y e. Anyway, I'm living at my parents' basement. You can see me as these adjectives for a long time. Let's not do that. New York City has recently created a list of words that will be banned from New York state tests. Oh. And it includes such words as birthday and dinosaur. Why? Because dinosaur may offend those who don't believe in elimination. Oh my god. Halloween may be some people think that it is a pagan holiday. And then birthday birthdays aren't celebrated by Jehovah's Witnesses. And yet one of the questions is literally on that test, one of the questions is what's your favorite dinosaur Halloween birthday party? How are you supposed to get It was. How do you answer that question? Anymore. That's crazy to me. Isn't that crazy? Other brands That's in high school, you said? This is for no. It's, for all the testing. Yeah. It's for all the standardized testing. Tested. This list went out to the different companies who are trying to get the contracts to write the test. Now, I know this is one of those that sounds insane, and we're gonna pick it up and run with it. But do we really think dinosaur's not gonna be allowed in testing? Like, I I don't by the way, I don't I don't know how much it's gotta be in textbooks. Right? I mean Yeah. Well Do it is it Yeah. I mean, I well, I feel like there's a a push against ever teaching evolution, but I don't think that they've passed yet. That was one of the most important parts I remember growing up as a kid. People love dinosaurs. And to go to the Natural History Museum in, New York We had a song about stegosauruses. Did anyone else have songs about dinosaurs? No. You went to a weird school. No. That's freaky. Baby doll. Yeah. Nailed it. We got one baby doll out there. No. My son says That's why you get the big box. Is he loves dinosaurs. He's gonna be dinosaur scientist, like, be ready be ready for the pussy avalanche. Yeah. And, for the pussy avalanche. Yes. Put put that f**king neck brace on NASA because it's coming. It's gonna be a dinosaur scientist. Although, I I think the Alienologist? I think well, that's yeah. I think When did son have this? The percentage of boys that before the age of 10 say they're gonna be a race car driver or dinosaur scientist or let's say I'll just say race car driver or professional athlete. Or firefighter? Firefighter. Basketball, that was my dream. But we give professional athlete, firefighter, dinosaur, or whatever. That there's like 5 things that guys all say they're gonna do before the age of 10. And then for chicks, it's always veterinarian. Mhmm. It's it's always they're gonna work with animals. I'm gonna fix horses. Yeah. And then at a certain point, they hit 13 and they go, what? That f**king biology book is so thick. f**k that. And and they start getting and then you you really get you realize what percent every single playmate if you read what they were gonna be in, you know, junior highs, veterinarian. It's like, it's always was never gonna I was gonna take my clothes off and mince about in front of a camera and f**k James Con in the grotto. Like, that's never on their list. It's always veterinary. So I think this work with dinosaurs, you can't help it because every 3rd book, because all kids books are just f**king total cop outs, like, they're all derivative and they're all just like, hey, what do what do you wanna do? Let's write a kids book. Let's see. What shall the topic be? Should we get into NAFTA? No. How about dinosaurs? Okay. Let's do it. Dinosaurs because kids it's trains and dinosaurs. Right. I'm gonna f**king write a book called dinosaur train. I'm gonna say, oh, mister dinosaur drove a train and every kid it's it's f**king heroin That's heaven. To to to 5 year old boys. Like, they can't stop with the trains and they can't stop with the dinosaurs. So every 3rd book is, oh, he's a little train. He wasn't as powerful, but he's strong and he's got a strong will and the dinosaur is mister dinosaur. So every kid thus wants to either do some I wanna be a train conductor and I wanna work with dinosaurs and no one ends up doing it because it's the s**t we feed them Yeah. Yeah. Nonstop. I remember when my friend in, elementary school or high school realized, he's like, I'm gonna play not only did he play for NBA, he's like, I'm gonna play for the Seattle Supersonics. That's where I'm gonna play. And I remember the week where he realized that he's not good enough to get into college basketball, let alone be in the NBA. I remember looking at him being like, oh, that's his watching his dream just like crush in front of his face. Yeah. But he held on to that till high school. He was like, oh, no. I'm gonna play on the Sonics. In high school? In high school, when he was playing high school, I was like, I'm gonna play in the Sonics. And then I was like, you're not there's no way you're gonna be playing college. What are you talking about? Yeah. I like when the guys when the guys actually pick the team that's gonna draft them. Yes. I'm I'm be like, no, man. I'm not gonna play for the Nets. There's no way I'll play for the Nets. I'll play for the Sonics if that happens. You know what I mean? Like, no way will I play for the Nets. Alright. Sorry. Keep going. Well, so these are the words that they're saying can't be used in the New York State tests, like the standardized tests. That's great. The Nothing can't use them every are there? Suggesting that or trying to get them off, or is it a mandate? Because I would be very surprised. Topics were recently spelled out in a request for proposals provided to companies competing to revamp New York City's English, math, science, and social studies test. That is insane with the dinosaur and the f**king Jehovah's. Who gives a f**k? Have you had do you know Jehovah's Witnesses? Yeah. Yeah. They don't celebrate Christmas either. They celebrate Jesus' death day, but they're not gonna celebrate the birthday. And they also celebrate their parents' anniversary. That's a big Is that true? Yeah. Jehovah's Witness. That would have been good with me because I would have had to knock that off about age 7. Free to do whatever I wanted. That's a little something called divorce. That's right. I worked with a Jehovah's Witness named Andy who I used to paint commercial offices with, and he named his kid at he had about 7 kids. He named them after the apostles, and it was just like, when you paint, the only thing you can do is talk because you're in a room that is a small room. Like, we'd paint the Twin Towers in Century City and we paint lawyer's offices, and you'd both go in there. And one guy'd be cutting in with the brush and the other guy have the roller out. And that's about all you could do is just f**king stand there and talk because you're 4 feet away from each other, and that was about it. And there's no earbuds back then. So it was just all just like I'm bored off my a*s and I'll talk to anybody who's in this room. And, you know, Tom Hanks had a better time with that volleyball on the f**king beach that I had with Andy, honestly. Will see. Will said. And it would just be like, you know, Jeho and then eventually, it turns into we're having a big rally at Dodger Stadium this weekend if you're not doing anything. Like, that's what I need to do is go to f**king Dodger Stadium with a bunch of Jehovas and talk about apostles and painting, like, I don't know. But and we couldn't listen to any music because it had to be Christian rock. Oh. Would you always leave the conversation towards Jehovah Witness stuff? Yeah. That that No matter what. Well, you have to understand these guys, they don't have velvety tongues. Like, they're not super funny, fast talking Right. Cool dudes. Right. They got into this religion be because they weren't great thinkers. Yeah. So their mind was sort of soft enough to suck them down this road. And then once they got into it, their brain is like a very small sponge that just got filled with Jehovah talk. Mhmm. So when you squeeze it, all that ever comes out is Jehovah. Yes. And a little soap. Lot of that. Yeah. And a weird mildewy smell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is with sponges smelling disgusting all the time? Don't know. Don't know. Sorry. Where were we? Director James Cameron plunged to the deepest known point in the ocean in a one man submersible. And as I believe it was Fond Du Leer said or no. Maybe it was Matt D'Arc. Trench? Yeah. He said, that man's gonna die. Mhmm. It was a history making solo venture to Challenger Deep, part of the Mariana Trench in the Western Pacific Ocean. Mhmm. And this point that he went down to is about 35,800 feet deep, which means that it is deeper than Mount Everest is tall. Yeah. It's had only 2 previous human visitors, US Navy Lieutenant Don Walsh and the Davy Jones in his locker. Mhmm. And Megatron. And Megatron. Well and the 4th was Swiss explorer, Jacques Piccard. By the way, I just feel like we could answer everything with, oh, you know who did that before you? Swiss explorer Jacques Piccard. Yeah. Everybody go, oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. I didn't know that. Were you a virgin before me? Nope. Sorry. Swiss explorer Jacques Piccard. Oh, that guy. Chariot high school. Jacques. You'd never go like, what? That's bulls**t. Who's that guy? Like, I don't care if you're breaking the sound barrier. I don't care if you scaled, you know, Mount Olympus in your underpants. I don't care what it was. It's Swiss explorer Jacques Piccard did that. You know whose dog eats broccolini? Swiss explorer Jacques. Jacques Piccard. He looks just like Steve Zuzu, Bill Murray Bill Murray's character in that Wes Anderson movie. That's what James Cameron looks like exactly in this photo. All you would need is a date to put after that. Oh, he did that in 94. I didn't yeah. Swiss Schwarz, Jacques Piccard did that in 97. And you just you just be humbled. Just, sorry. It's gonna start a protest. You always finish off. Oh, I made a documentary about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll watch it. I'll check out Netflix Instant. I'll check it out. So he went down to a depth of 35,000 feet? Yeah. 35,800 feet. He's the first to make the trek alone, and the vessel he went down in is called the Deep Sea Challenger. It's the result of 8 years of development and construction. And Cameron described the bottom of the sea as a very, quote, very soft, almost gelatinous flat plane. It was almost featureless, and it went as far as he could see. He says it's a completely alien world down there. He didn't see large life forms that I think he was hoping he would see. That's gotta be a bummer, man. Yeah. Make it all the way down there, and all you see is gelatinous stuff below you. Right. That is a strikeout. We'd all love to think this is him talking. We'd all love to think there are giant squid and sea monsters down there. We can't rule it out, but my bet is there aren't. What you're going to find is these very, very interesting animals, the likes of which we've never seen before, that have adapted to this extreme environment. Or maybe they all escaped because you're in a neon green thing That's right. For the first time ever. Poking out of it. Yeah. I was playing Titanic in there. You know he's playing Titanic. I wish I wish my mom was James Cameron's mom because, here's how that conversation would be. Mom, I just went to the bottom of the Marianas Trench. How deep was that, son? 35,800 feet. Is that deep? So not 36,000? No. 35,800. Oh, but not 36. 35,800 is pretty deep. When when you get to 36,000, we should talk. I know someone who said that he went to 36,000. Bobby Bobby from down the road went 3 West Explorer's Shopkick. Man. He's drinking tea down there. I thought you were gonna have to drop. I was very thrown by the head. How would I know that? Thank you. Alright. So, that's cool. You gotta love Cameron. He must've recorded it. Right? Took, like, yes. He did. For a movie or something. Mhmm. No. I think he just wanted to see what was down. It's for science. He wants to see what's down there. It's for science. It's my favorite sentence. Something didn't work, though. Like, the arm thing didn't work, and he was gonna bring samples back, and he wasn't able to bring them. Oh, wow. And he'll have to go down again. The thing It's a sequel. He really he thinks he's doing something, but he's really just f**king up all the good scientific writers. You know? Because remember, we used to go, like, from the moon comes a creature, and now it all got f**ked up because someone went on to the moon. You know? Mhmm. And then we did the same thing with Mars. Like, these creatures are from Mars, but then we send some probe to Mars and then no one buys it anymore. It's like, no. From the bowels of the ocean, from the Marianas trench comes one of the scariest. Nah. Cameron's down. It turns out there's nothing. Like, you're f**king up everyone's stories. We've we've taken the moon and Mars, the deepest part of the ocean. We know too much. That's going on. The best meeting to be in the studio meeting. So, like, we have that so you get to the bottom of the ocean, these big squids. No. No. We're gonna have to replace squids with gelatinism. Gelatinous material. Like a mini shrimp. Clear mini shrimp just doing nothing. Just chilling, honestly. Mhmm. Here's the thing, though. When he hit the bottom, he tweeted, just arrived at the ocean's deepest point. Hitting bottom never felt so good. And it was not it was clear how he was able to I bet he gets better cell reception in the bottom of the Mariana Stranch, and I get my f**king house in Hollywood Hills. That much I f**king know. Yeah. I pull over by a stop sign and have every conversation. I can't go up my driveway. It'll cut out every time. It's the worst. g*****n it. We're so tortured. That pun that he did that whole thing for that tagline, hitting the bottom never felt so good. I guarantee he thought of that tagline. He's like, guys, we gotta do something where I can match this up with. Oh, yeah. Prad a team of guys faxing in jokes. Yeah. So let's just all day. That was yours, wasn't it, though? Yeah. It was. I got $75 for that. Alright. Come on. Schwartz. Thanks, guys. Full circle. I feel like we should bring it on home. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zipit c**t. Thank you, baby doll. That was the news with Alison Rosen. Alright. Those Adam Carolla show 789 with the great Ben Schwartz making his Adam Carolla show debut. I've been involved with a 1,000,000,000 different projects, most notably now as the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog, a 3rd movie now in theaters. He was also on the, epic episode 1,000 recorded from room 5 above Maelphi. That'll be here in tomorrow's Cruller classics. And our final clip today is from 2020 4. It's not even yet numbered. It's, Steve Guttenberg on the Adam Carolla show from last year. Hope you guys enjoy. Hey. It's Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla show. Bet online is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting from the earliest odds to in game live betting. BetOnline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA, and championship boxing, all your betting needs in one place. Head to BetOnline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with BetOnline. BetOnline, the game starts here. The Adam The Adam Carolla show presents Steve Guttenberg's birthday c**ktail party for August 24th. Let's see who's invited. Let's welcome Italian born American mafioso, the first head of the Gambino family, Carlo Gambino. Hey. It's Otis Campbell from the Andy Griffith Show. Hal Smith is here. Here's the guy who invented styrofoam, Ray Mac McIntyre. From the Chambers Brothers, guitarist and vocalist, Joe Chambers. Professional wrestling promoter, Vince McMahon is here. Actress, Anne Archer joined the party. Here's politician, Joe Manchin. NFL coach Mike Shanahan just walked in. English comedian and actor Steven Fry is here. Politician Mike Huckabee is here. Cal Ripken Junior just joined the party. Let's welcome David Koechner, friend of the show, Dana Gould. Marlee Matlin just walked in. Reggie Miller's here. Here comes Dave Chappelle. Actor Chad Michael Murray is here. From the Harry Potter movies, it's Rupert Grint. And let's welcome the former chairman of the Palestinian Liberation Organization, Yasser Arafat. Steve Guttenberg is on the Adam Carolla show. Steve Guttenberg is here. Good to see my old friend. Steve's done so many movies. Coc**n Police Academy, 3 Men and a Baby. One that I always short circuit, of course. 1 I one of my favorites all the time gets a little overlooked, diner. Yeah. What a great picture. Just a great picture and a springboard of catapult launching point for some incredible names. Yeah. Yeah. We had a I have them somewhere. Lucky group there. Oh, wait. Look at the diner cast somewhere here, Chris. I think it's pretty oh, there it is. Sorry. Daniel Stern, Mickey Rourke, Kevin Bacon, Tim Daley, Ellen Barkin, before you knew who any of these people were. Yeah. That was really terrific when, you know, when you're starting out, everybody's ambitious and everybody's got a little something, but I don't think that you think, oh, we're all gonna become we're just looking for a job. Right. And and get paid. And, hopefully, will something happen with it? I don't know. None of us knew what it was like to have a a picture released or be famous. But, actually, the only the famous one was Kevin because he played a character, I forgot his name, on a soap opera. He played a drunk. Mhmm. And maybe his name was Tim or something. And we were at dinner one time somewhere, and a lady came over and she came over to Kevin and said, you should be ashamed of yourself. That's so fans of the best. So I mean and so Barry Levinson, it's a funny, small, interesting, smart movie, I mean, diner is, that I I feel like some people missed. So Yeah. Avail yourself of of diner. 92% with the critics on Rotten Tomatoes. And then it got voted by the by Vanity Fair as the top picture for the last 30 years. Really? Yeah. For the sort of the intelligentsia, people who are cinephiles, everybody who knows movies. But in the big scheme, you know, in the Marvel Universe, it's not gonna be making making a difference. I'll tell you there's one thing I picked up from diner that was all over that was always in the movie and that we me and all my friends did after we saw a diner, and I recommend it. When you go out to a diner and you order French fries, especially the kinda thicker ones, order a side of gravy. Yeah. Dark gravy and dunk them in the gravy. Yeah. It's great. Screw all you people with your ranch. And your ketchup. Do the gravy. That in diner, I was like, oh, we started doing that. We'd, like, we'd go to Dupar's, and we'd order fries. We'd order side of first off, they just give you a side of gravy. They don't argue with you. They just go, what's it for? You know? They just go, here's the gravy. Dunk it. Yeah. I think it's a Baltimore thing. It must be a Baltimore thing. Baltimore's a great city. Yeah. Really great city. You've been there? I've been to I'm gonna be at, Timonium, which is outside of Baltimore, but Goobie's coming up. And I we did go to Baltimore. And I know you grew up you did stand up early on. Right? Yeah. And, actually, I saw you were gonna be a governor's. I I worked at governors when I was 16. 16 Yeah. Doing stand up? Doing stand up. And I was I I had a great beginning, great middle, terrible end. I just couldn't I couldn't click the end of a joke, but there was also a place called the White House Mhmm. On Hicksville Road, and Eddie Murphy and, I think Jerry Seinfeld and a bunch of guys played there. And it was owned by, you'll remember this guy, Richard Dixon. Do you remember Richard Dixon? He was a a Richard Nixon impersonator. Oh, really? And he owned the White House Comedy Club on Hicksville Road. Right? So did you start off as a stand up? No. I I started off when I was, like, 12 doing children's theater. Mhmm. And then I just would do anything, you know, to try to get in front of an audience. And I always thought that stand up was great theater because it is theater. Right. Get up there with a little script and you've got 20 minutes or 1 minute to sort of do your little show. So I think it's I mean, it's a great it's it's the bravest theater around. It's a one man show. Yeah. I never thought of it, but, yeah, it is sort of the ultimate theater. It is. And if you would be in a play, then why wouldn't you do stand up Yeah. If if you treated it like a theatrical one. It's a script. It's not you know, everyone thinks you get up there and you're just winging it. Obviously, you're not. Right. Right. You got material. You memorized it, and you gotta know where the jokes are. You know where the, you know, where the you can sort of play around, but you gotta hit certain places. And it's I would love to start doing it again. Because also what's great is, let's say you're somewhere and you go, I wanna go on stage. You walk up to some comedy club, and you can do 15 minutes anytime you want. Yeah. It's like I wanna go do some theater tonight. I can get up there and and work. Well, the book I should tell people about, by the way, Time to Thank. And, it's about you and your dad and you being a caregiver to him at the end of his life. Yeah. We figured out he was a police officer. Yeah. So he was kinda your hero growing up. NYPD. He was a plain clothes undercover. He was a uniform cop. He loved it. So wait a minute. He first was uniform, then plain clothes? And then plain clothes. Right. And they did undercover too. And, Sonny Grasso was his partner who was the brother of the character that Gene Hackman played in French Connection. Wow. And so they were like go go guys, really go go guys. And at one point, my mom couldn't take it anymore. And she asked my dad to stop stop. She said, I can't wait for you anymore to come home. Right. It's too hard. So then uncle her cousin Harvey had an electronics company, Sun Radio. Mhmm. And my dad was an electrical engineer from and from City College, so he went into that. He he was one of the first guys into semiconductors. And how'd you get into acting from that background? It was just coincidence. My parents' good friend from Brooklyn, guy named Michael Bell, who went to high school performing arts, he went out to California when he was 17 or 18, and he started acting. And he was doing okay, pretty as well as an actor, but he was great as a voice over guy. He became one of the top 10 voice over guys in the in the whole world. Paul Fries and those guys, Danny Dark. And in the seventies, he was making a fortune. So when he would come to New York, to Massapequa or to Flushing and visit us, he came in a Cadillac. He always had a beautiful girlfriend, and I said somebody would say, what do you wanna do? I'd say, what does he do? Right. And I just started I I went to a a children's theater called the Oyster Bay town of Oyster Bay Children's Theater where we did Rapunzel and Snow White for, for schools for a couple of summers, and I liked it. And I then I went into the city and started taking classes, and it just started rolling. Sometimes I think if I had to do it again, I don't know if I would become an actor because it's a weird life. It's such a up and down life, but it just kept rolling and rolling. And then when I was 17, well actually when I was 14 went out to visit Michael in Hollywood and oh my god, he lived, in a beautiful house in the valley and he had a shrimp. He had an aquarium with a live shrimp in it. A live shrimp. Yeah. It was so Not even a sea monkey of real live shrimp. This big. Huge shrimp. So it was so exotic and he had parties and and he was doing voice over. He would leave in the morning at 9 o'clock and probably do 10 sessions a day, and it was exciting and it just looked like a great life. So when I was 17, my parents let me go out to Hollywood again for 2 weeks Mhmm. See if I could become a movie star. And, I got a commercial. I got a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial. And my I was supposed to go to Albany State University, but my dad said, okay. You could stay a little longer, but you need to come back by the end of the summer to go to school. The KFC commercial, you're acting with the actual colonel? Yeah. Exactly. I was standing right next to him. Harlan was his name. Yes. And it was exciting as hell. It was exciting. And, god, I'm trying to think. I mean, I wonder how much longer he lived after that. Oh, I think for a little while because I remember seeing him in the paper, and I ran into him one time at, in Florida somewhere in boat a boat. He was actually at, Century Village where my grandmother lived in Boca Raton, Florida. Like retirement? Yeah. He was walking around. I think he was visiting a friend. So you come out. You get a commercial. Yeah. It's a national commercial. Yeah. So there's some money there. Yeah. A little bit you know, like, paid pretty good, actually. And you've got, like, a little taste, you know, of success pretty pretty fast. Yeah. Right? Yeah. But then when does what's first? Is diner the first big thing for you? No. I did a picture. I saw winning. You have winning out there. Oh, I was looking at something. I remember. Keep going. Boys from Brazil? Well, no. It was called Rollercoaster. It was directed by the same director, James Goldstone, who directed winning. Uh-huh. With Paul Newman. With Paul Newman. And and I actually was looking at the car out there. That really blew my mind. So, I did this little part. Actually, Helen Hunt was in it too. Roller coaster was a thriller about a roller coaster that had a bomb in it or something, and it was gonna go off. And they had to I don't know why they came up with this as a premise, but there used to be earthquake and towering inferno and Poseidon adventure with Irwin Allen. They do these big Sensor round. Sensor round things. It's a Cinerama Dome. Yeah. You know? But, yeah, roller coaster was a seventies action thriller, whatever. Mark. And somebody planted a bomb on the roller coaster. Timothy Bottoms. And what who who were you in this movie? I was a guy who had one line. I came into a scene with Widmark and and Siegel and Harry Gardino, and they're in the bottom of the, the amusement park trying to figure out where's the bomb. And I they need the plans. Right. And I come in with the plans. And I say, here I got but the park is huge or something like that. Here are the plans. And that was my Was that before before the boys in boys in Brazil, that was Laurence Olivier and Gregory Peck. Yeah. That was when I went I actually stayed out here for a year. I did a little movie with Phil Silvers, a teenage movie. Wow. And I got a bunch of commercials, but at the end of the year, I did not I didn't like it out here. I didn't like the culture. I felt like a fish out of water. I couldn't make any friends, and I quit. Mhmm. And I went back to Albany State, and I wanted to start school and become a normal person and become get a profession and just get a job and live a normal life. And my agent called me about 5 months into my semester there, said I got an audition for boys from Brazil. I want you to go to the city. And I said, I don't wanna be an actor anymore. He said, just go there and see. And I went there, and I got the part. And I I I took it. And I went to Portugal, and I did the picture. That was a big film Yeah. Back in the mid to later seventies. Yeah. 79. 79. Right. No. Sorry. 77. Yeah. Felt even earlier than Yeah. Than that. Yeah. And Laurence Olivier, you could say you acted. Pretty fantastic. And, he he was a you had he had a regular point of view. Everyone called him Larry. Larry. Larry. I called Laurence Olivier Larry. Larry. And he was so good to me. He knew I was uncomfortable at times, and he had a big entourage and let me hang out with him and go to dinner with him and go to his house, and he'd have dinner parties. He was quite fantastic. He was not well, so he had to have he had trouble getting around, but it was pretty terrific. It was right at the end for him Yeah. Or one of his last movies probably. Yeah. So how did, then diner come about? Diner came about, I went back I went out to California. I did a small television series, and then, I did a movie called Players with Ali MacGraw and Dean Paul Martin about tennis. Mhmm. And I got an audition for a movie called Diner, and just an audition. Went in there and there was Barry, and he was auditioning a bunch of young actors. It was right in the the and it was Jerry Weintraub's office, the big producer, still on Wilshire Boulevard. I think it's 8744 Wilshire Boulevard. And I remember going in there. We're going up there, and there's Barry, and he says, look. Why don't you read this? I read it. He said, yeah. I am. This is good. This is good. And we might have a, like, a screen test and have a few guys screen test with you. I go, okay. So who screen tested with me was John Doe from the group x. Do you remember what x? What we just brought up, John Doe No. We're not. Earlier in the show, John Doe, the guitar player from the band x, underrated band Yeah. And also a band that I knew very well because I grew up out here. Uh-huh. And when I talk to my friends that were from Boston or something, I'd go x. And they go, I don't know what you're talking about. I go, the band, x. And they go, I don't know. And I realized they were very big here in LA. Band. Yeah. LA band. Exene. She was a total b***h. Oh, was she? Yes. Exene Cervanka was the lead singer of acts who I interviewed years later on Loveline on K Rock, and I hated her. Uh-huh. But, John Doe Yeah. He auditioned. Is a teenage Mickey's part. Oh, Mickey Rourke's part. Yeah. That makes sense. I mean, he must this is pre x, though. Right? I think he was in x at the time. Oh, he was? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Early 81, something like that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Mhmm. And, and we did the audition. I went home, and a couple days later, my agent called and said he got the part. And that was it was pretty unglamorous, and, that was it. And did you know how good the material was Yeah. While you were doing it? I did. I did. You know, sometimes you read stuff, and you go, this is good. There's a great gag or hook or through line or whatever in that movie, which is your character's a Colts fan. Yeah. Right? An insane Baltimore Colts fan back when they were in Baltimore. And he's getting married, but the only way he would get married is if his new fiancee could pass a a Baltimore Colts, a a trivia she had to have deep Yeah. Otherwise, the marriage was off. Yeah. She was, like, studying all this cult stuff from the fifties and sixties. It was just funny. It was like a through line all the way through with her cramming Yeah. To have cults trivia. And you never see her? Oh, that's right. Yeah. That's right. You never just hear her. And they're all sitting in the basement, and they're in another I guess, in another room in the basement Right. The 2 of us. And they're listening to the question. Who is Alan Amici? Right. It's just like, I know this one. I know this one. It's so good. And, and Mickey Rourke is young, sort of pretty Mickey. Yeah. O'Rourke, not not not buff, you know, weird Mickey Rourke. And everyone was so young and it was Yeah. And it but it was really smart and really funny. People should should definitely give it a lot. Competitive in a friendly way. Mhmm. We're all it was a great way to be competitive. We all were rooting for each other to be great in the scene, but we were also trying to steal it. And then, police academy, who coulda guessed? Yeah. I mean, did you go into that going, this is gonna be huge, and we're gonna get 10 of these? I didn't have an inkling about box office, but I read it and thought this is gonna reminded me of a cross between officer and a gentleman and stripes. Mhmm. And it just that's what it hit me and I thought this I would go to this. This is a this is a great one. So I I really wanted it, and I went in and auditioned and had a screen test with and I wore my father's police academy shirt. Oh, wow. Yeah. The real this real shirt. And I remember the director said, now did you make that shirt? I go, no. No. It's my dad's shirt. And the guy who was auditioning against me, who was great, could sing, could dance, he was funny, he was unbelievable, he was good looking. And he did his audition, and I'm sitting outside listening to him. And the crew was laughing and having a ball and clapping and and just unbelievable. He walks off, came in, like, good luck. Thanks a lot. I go in there and nothing. They used it all up for him. No laughing. No clapping. Nothing. It was like a pin drop. And I got done my audition, and I thought the guy got it because he was he could this guy was really talented. So I got out of there, and, the next day, my agent called and said, you got it. I I couldn't believe it. Who was that guy? Do you remember? I do. I'll stay off the air. Well, I I do have I do have some of the, the numbers that Well, I you know, I know people have are very nice, and Steve's very nice. But I think when you say a guy hit it out of the ballpark but didn't get the spot, that's not exactly you talking smack about the guy. I mean, you said he crushed it. He crushed it. He was good looking. Good looking. And he could sing and he could Sing and dance like a bird. And that's a compliment to say the name of the actor. And he could act? He could act. He was a great dad. A giant hit. A, who's that great director who did 48 who did, Trading Places? Oh, cool. Oh, he's fantastic. Give us some give us some examples. John Landis. John Landis. So he directed a movie with this guy starring in that movie. Ghostbusters? Is that Landis? No. That's, how the Ramis? That's alright. Who who That's why Ivan Reitman directed that one. I can hear the people that, well, according to Wikipedia that were that were considered for, Carrie Mahoney. Right. Michael Keaton. Who turned it down. He actually they offered it to him. Oh, they turned it down. Alright. You can say that. Judge Reinhold? No. He he was up for it. Mhmm. He didn't screen test yet, but yeah. Tom Hanks. Yeah. He was between that and Splanks. Mhmm. Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis. The guy's not on the list. Wow. The guy was in it. So John Landis did this movie who that sort of a, a horror movie. Uh-huh. Horror movie in London. Oh, that guy. The doctor Pepper guy. That's the guy. God, I gotta think of his name. Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too? Incredibly talented. Yes. Super talented. He was a kind of Broadway guy. Broadway guy. Good looking. Good looking. Could sing Dance. Act. Did Doctor Pepper commercials Fantastic. And, American werewolf in London. You got it. You know his name. Yeah. And his name has been brought up before. What is it? David David Naughton. Yeah. David Naughton. David Naughton. Yeah. Alright. Well, he landed on his feet. He sure did. Oh, yeah. He's super talented guy. And, and as you did as well. Now last time I saw you or one of the last times I saw you, Dancing with the Stars. Oh, gee. No. I saw you at, your at maybe the premiere of your movie or one of the movies we went to. I'm sure. Or maybe do some some I'm just taking it back to Dancing with the Stars. Yeah. I think you went right before I went. Yeah. I thought and by the way, Steve invited everyone to his home, had a lovely barbecue. Yeah. Was very sweet. I mean, I I don't know that there are nice guys in Hollywood like you Nice. Anymore. And I I don't know. You seem to have judging from your book and your dad being your hero and being as dedicated, it seems like he must have passed down some gratitude or something, or you have gratitude from somewhere that a lot don't have. Yeah. My mom and dad are are pretty special people. My dad was really cool. Mhmm. He's a cool guy and really smart, and he was able to sort of discern through the muck. He could always see the good through the muck. He was a great disciplinarian. I would screw up all the time. He would just bring me upstairs, sit me on the bed, and say, Steven, what's wrong with you? I would say, I don't know. He goes, don't do that again. He was he was he was funny. He liked to tell stories, and he had a great appreciation for everything. I'll tell you what my father did. He could listen. When you would talk to him, you you know, they always say you know, when you meet somebody, they always act you you feel like you're the only person in the room. He actually really was listening to you. And he was his eyes brows would go up and his eyes would glisten and he'd smile and he would hear what you're saying all the time. And he would just say he would always say, just enjoy life. Enjoy life. It's a good life. Enjoy it. You know? So I kind of tried it with enjoying it. I try to appreciate it and be a nice person. You know? What happened I mean, when I first came out of California, I think LA, I think it was a friendlier place. I don't think LA is as friendly anymore. Yeah. But, you know, there's a real there's a real community of the world that we need to say good morning to people. We need to say hello. We need to show people that there's nothing to be afraid of. You know, a a friend is a stranger first before you meet him. You know? You meet a guy you don't know him, and then 10 years later, you're best friends. You know, you have to you have to be nice. Being nice is a good thing. No. I agree. I mean, we should all start with a wave policy. Yeah. You know what I mean? How you doing? I walk around. I do it. I walk down this back street. There's all these guys who work at this factory. They're always going, and I say hola. But, walk by. Just give them just give them the wave. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just give them the wave. There's one thing about Malibu when I'm in Malibu halftime and you walk around the streets from Malibu. People drive by, like, the side streets. They give you the wave. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah. Give give the wave. That's, that's all I'm that's all I'm saying. That's great. I'm gonna take that up too. If everybody just implemented the wave Yeah. Just that. Be a better You don't have to love your neighbor. Yeah. You don't have to wash his feet. You don't have to pick up his dog's poo. You don't have to do anything. Just just a wave policy. Just walk down the street and pass them and give them the wave. Yeah. It doesn't like that. I like the wave. I like giving the wave. I like receiving the wave. I like returning the wave. Car also. Car wave. In Malibu, people in their car, when you're walking up their side street, when they're coming past you in their obnoxious g Wagon Mercedes Yeah. They give the wave. Yeah. The You gotta give the wife. Yeah. So your dad made you nice Yeah. And appreciate things. Yeah. He's a sweet he's a sweet a tough guy and a sweet guy. Yeah. That's what that's what people want. And What was his reaction when, you decided to take a break from acting and be his caregiver? He didn't like it. You know, he really would always said, I want you to get back into it, but I just wanted to be with him. I knew how important it was. I think I knew I guess, I didn't want to admit it. I even it's hard for me to say that I admitted that I thought he was dying, and I didn't wanna admit. And I would never say to anybody Right. My dad's dying. I would say, he's good. He's doing great. He's doing okay. But I I think I knew that he was gonna leave, and I I wanted every second with him. How long were you with him? Well, we about about 4 years Really? Total. Maybe about 5. Yeah. Did you move back out? Yeah. We were living in New York, and we moved out to I was gonna move to Phoenix where he was living with my sister. Mhmm. And, so we but we already had a house in LA, so we moved to LA. And then I would leave on Monday morning about 3 in the morning, drive out to takes about 6 hours that early to get to Phoenix and take him to dialysis Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday with my sister, and then Thursday drive back to LA and then do it again on Monday. Wow. And then I wanted to be with him. You know? It was when he he had cold black eyes. He was so sweet. And when I would walk in in the morning, like, 8:30 or 9 o'clock to take him, he he, you know, he's one of these guys who was so honest. He'd go, you're here. You're here. It was so wonderful. You know, you don't get that very you don't get that celebration very often. No. Unless if you have a dog, maybe a dog will do that. People people like that with a dog. They come in and the dog's wagging his tail. Like, he's loving it. Yeah. It's Tuesday. I'm home. Yeah. Here we go. But I try to do that with people. I try to remember. Hey. And you know what? It's not corny. It's not goofy. It's fun to see someone you know and go, hey. Give a bigger than life thing. You know? It just just really makes you feel good. You do you have kids yourself? I don't. No. That seems so let's see. I don't wanna I wanna choose the right word. Yeah. No. What I'm saying is it seems counterintuitive Yeah. To me. I do meet people that don't like their parents and come from a bad place, and then they go, no kids. Yeah. Not gonna do it. I know. But you seem like the number one candidate to have kids. I hope I do one day. I know it's you know, I mean, I could be an old dad, but I I I I just never did. You know? It oh, it didn't work out. Did you ever get married? Yeah. Yeah. Been married twice. Are you married now? Right now. Yeah. And kids? That's And we we talk about it, but nothing really. You know? It's we we were before we married, we said, you know, maybe we won't have kids. And then later on, we were talking about it, but it just hasn't worked out. But I I I do miss that. I I I do miss a home with kids in it. I would think that you would be toward the top of my list for dad material. Thanks. Unless there's some weird dark side that I'm unaware of, but I I think I woulda sussed it out. You I'm not gonna show you my underwear. By now. I have the dark side of Gutenberg. Yeah. But I I just if anything, just to show them all the old funny movies when they get to a certain age that I thought I was gonna do with my kids, but I don't give a s**t. But you know? Or the episodes of dancing with the stars or, what have you, which they're, by the way, not interested in anything you've done before, you know, lately. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. Doesn't exist. Yeah. I know. Why he's so at peace. He hasn't been chopped down to size. Yeah. He hasn't Oh. Yeah. He hasn't had the rug of life pulled out from underneath him like I have. Well, let me give, Steve a plug. Time to Thank, and it's caregiving for my hero. It's available wherever you find books. May 21st is when it is, out. It's always good to catch up with you, Steve, because, I have some I have such a fond thought when I think of of Gutenberg, which is good, which is what you should. When when people go, oh, what about this person? Well, I go, Gutenberg, so nice. Such a nice guy. Thanks. People should say that. And, maybe maybe it starts with a wave. It's a little wave. Hi. It's a little wave. You wanna try one? Yeah. Let's do it. Hey, Steve. Hey. What's up, Adam? How you doing? Hey, Chris. Oh, hey, Adam. Oh, good. Steve. Good. It's like being in Barbie World. Yeah. Little Eddie World. Alright. Netflix is a joke. That'll be, tonight. Leno's gonna be there, and Jay Moore's gonna be there. And, who else is gonna Rob Schneider's gonna be there. I'm gonna be there. Wow. Just go to adamcrow.com and find those tickets over at Jimmy's Theater after that. Tickets available. Steve, great to see you, my friend. You too, Adam. And until next time, it's Adam Crow for Steve Guttenberg and Paul Virzi and Chris from X Rad is saying. Mahalo. Alright. That does it for today's Kroll classics. Until next time. Mahalo. And get it on.