Asking Nanny Faye Questions

Transcript

Hello, everyone, and welcome to cruel plastics, I'm your host, superfan, Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights and fan selected clips from all 14 go on to 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. Everyone's on vacation this week, so I'm taking over hosting duties. Sorry. Let's get right the clips. Come on. First, we have Adam Crawshaw 14:44 featuring on his Great Africa, Elsa Rose and Brian Bishop. This is the opening of the show, minus the guests. This is Adam ranting about the Major League Baseball and how discuss the years by bitter sunflower seeds spittle hilarious classic opening to an episode from October 2014. And we get so much of your old balls hooked up racked up. Speaking of last night, World Series seventh game, glorious I was I was feeling pretty good about my son, who was wanted to watch replays of the NFL week that happened prior. And I said it's the seventh unwarranted over the World Series. I said seventh, seventh game of the World Series. And he was like, Yeah, but baseball blows. Did he work? The the move? The needle comment it again. No, he Moorthy. Baseball was boring and it sucks. And I said, absolutely correct. So yeah, there's a correct answer, but this is the seventh inning or the seventh game, and this is ironically it was about the seventh inning. And it's a one run game, and we should definitely hang out for the next 25 minutes and see how this one ends. Even if you're hot or cold on baseball, medium cool, this is as good as it gets. Yeah. And the thing that seventh game, the thing that's great about all sports is the insane unknown. Just the the machinations there, the different ways that things can happen, the vagaries, the vagaries that you never knew. You just go, All right, if he gets a single here, then they got a guy in first, but not the guy booting it in center field. And then the ball rolls to the track and then the guy at the track boots the ball and then the guy who's running it out got no wheels. And I, I was going and say, now I was yelling at my wife, the guy at third base. The coach should have, should have sent him. Really, definitely should have sent him. You think so? Well, and here's what I said. Although she was tuned out and it drives me nuts when I call s**t and people are tuned out. I said he should have sent him. What does that? Sorry, what does that mean? Send him home. Waved him around. But don't don't hold up at third base. Don't hold up at third base. Go back on track for Go Home, Go Home, go home. And there were two outs there. Check, check, check their egos go down to their last out there, they could not if they made another out to the whole world, there is silver. Gary, you can stop it when I tell you to stop, but you'll see at a certain point, the runner is almost halfway between second and third when the guy still on. Still didn't show it from this angle, but still. Still on that track, picking the ball up the guy's halfway now, the guy who's running doesn't exactly have wheels, right? But here was what I likened it to because I like to do this in front of my children. If ICIS are Ikeda, Al Qaeda jumps you in the parking lot and says, Get in the van. Once you're in the van and the doors are closed, that'll be about it. You'll just be in some bunker somewhere where doing videos with a guy, hearing a guy sharpening a sword and you'll be thinking, I did have an opportunity and opportunity to let the kidnapper take you to a second location, right when I was standing in that parking lot of Costco in Glendale. I really should have made a move, right, that now there's a pretty good chance you would have gotten shot in the back as you ran by the runner now going to third base. Yes, OK. But that was your opening, right? I went to Lanette. I said the guy who's pitching for San Francisco is pitching lights out ball. The next guy is going to get up is going to pop out right and that will end the game. The percentage of the next, the guy who's pitching is setting records. He's is a dominant pitcher, Alison. And not only dominant, but when they start going back, they're going back dates where guys are named Whitey. When you're when they're when you have to go back and find out that Shoeless Whitey Brown was, yes, he's been doing better than better than pitchers that were named after girls Christy Mathewson and Babe Ruth. Yeah. Those are the pitchers you better any time. Madison on other girls named Madison Bumgarner Bumgarner. If there's ever a time when they have to go back to find a guy named Whitey to compare your staff in a World Series, that is great news for you. That means this is not going on in eighty nine years of World Series. So the guys, the guys pitch in, lights out, ball, right? And in my opinion, there's little to no chance that the next guy is going to get up and get a base hit, which is what he's going to need to get this guy not a long fly out, right? A base hit. And by the way, I've been watching for the last four innings and this is the only hit I've ever seen, right? So unfortunately, this guy doesn't have wheels, but the shortstop or whoever won out and cut it off shortstop, he went, he went and one hopped. Then he cleanly feel that he was going to have to turn around and he was going to fire a strike which probably under the heat of the moment, would have been a would have been a one hopper. I'm guessing to home plate and the catcher would have had to handle it cleanly and applied the tag cleanly, which he probably would have done, but he may not have. Yes, if there is a 20 percent chance he score on that play by sending the runner home, it's better than your two percent chance the next hitter gets a hit. And I think four percent I would have had it a little more of a 60:40 split because the shortstop would have had to turn and fire a nice ball and a lot. That's a tough throw to make in that situation. And oftentimes the catchers don't cleanly receive the ball, and if that play is not perfect, that guy scores if the if the right throws two feet. Either way, now I said to Lynette, Well, she said, then why didn't he go? And I said, there's a third base. I said I stopped it and I pointed to the third base coach and I said, See that old guy standing there. He had to make a decision, and he had a window of about 1.3 seconds max to make the decision. So swing my arm around, meaning go home to the plate or hands up. Hold up. Wait at third base. Now, first off, he was dealing with and this is why sports are great. He was dealing with. What would you normally do in this situation? Well, normally you would hold the guy at third, but that would be in game number four of the World Series in inning number five. This isn't the end of the end of the end. This is do or die. This is two outs ninth inning, seventh game guys pitch and Bumgarner pitch in lights out ball. And that poor 61 year old guy could not process all that. But I said, more importantly to Lynnette, this guy, if he waives his arm and that guy gets thrown out at home, the goat, he's the goat. He will be blamed for the loss. And by the way, this game's going to end right now. If he waives his arm two and a half seconds from now, this game could end at home plate and everyone's going to be booing him as opposed to if he holds the runner. Stay on third. Next, batter's up the flame still flickers. You know they're still they're still going to be in the safe but wrong choice. We think so, yes. And then the guy the next guy popped out and I looked at Lynnette and I said, What I tell you is going to do. And then she looked up from her computer and said, What? And I said, I told you, they're going to hold their hold. The guy that. It's going to come in to just pop out. She's like, yeah, that is, if I could. Then he popped out, right? And it's like, this is never how it's so satisfying. It's so unsatisfying. So wait, is the coach, not the goat? No, because no one hundred percent the wrong decision it was. He's not. Most people not think it was the wrong decision. There's a lot of negatives in that. What do most people think he? Well, the problem the reason he's not the goat is because he didn't stick his neck out. He made a TV executive decision. Yes, he did. A TV executive decision, which is the proper decision to make, is to hold the guy at third base. That's what the man says. He wasn't factoring in the guy who was pitching, who was getting everyone out constantly and in a crazy zone, and that the next guy would come in. He wasn't doing the math. He just like, this is what the book says. It's sort of like they do it in football. Go for two. Don't go for two. Whatever it is. As long as you don't deviate from that, you will not be the goat, right? And also, you see it in sports a lot when a manager or a coach makes a decision. Immediately, I was like, What are you doing? What was he thinking? That wasn't the situation. I was either holding him, OK? It wasn't even there. Holding him okay was that's that's what they should be doing, the book says. Yeah, that's what the that's what the book says. I'm so glad you're interested in this play because obviously I'm a Giants fan and I was dying on that last play. Let's back up a second because if he had scored on what was essentially an inside the park home run to tie the game in the bottom of the ninth and Game seven with two outs that would have been the crazier in the Kirk Gibson home run, the craziest play in baseball history. Right? Tie the game at home game seven two outs. Five Slow Whitey inside the park, home runs. And now there's a few things I always also look at because I'm I'm feelings based. I always look at the person who everyone laughs, but I always say that I like. I immediately go to the center field. They're so completely booted that ball regardless. And then the left fielder who booted it, too. And I like, Does beauty mean chase and not not catch it the thing where they're running around trying to get Blanco whiffed on the ball? He did something you talk about a lot, which is you want to be either in the ocean or up on the beach, not getting pounded by the surf. Gregor Blanco charged the ball super hard in the life. Be don't be in between. Yeah, he charged it to make the catch and then pulled up at the last second beat before the ball came in realized I'm not getting to this and he should have never done it because it's a situation where you have to keep the ball in front of you because there's two outs and your pitchers pitch and lights out ball. You can't give up a double because the guy will score from second base on a single means he should have done with a third base coach added, which is play it safe if he had just given up a single. What are the chances the royals get two more hits off, right? Not going to happen, but in his mind he's like, Game over. Well, imagine the game ends with you laying out, stretching out and sliding and robbing a guy of a sure hit. And by the way, that's what leads sports center. And then the iconic image that goes on a million years after you're dead. It's in the Smithsonian. When the game ends, they always have the guy who made the last out. So the diving catch in center field in his brain there must have been a I'm going to a drama when you're little league. And then at the end, the last five steps was that Oh s**t, oh s**t. Oh s**t ! He charged. Too hard. It got past him. And again, if you was a slaying, how his foot slipped just about it wasn't the glove. He wasn't playing it safe then. So if that game had been tied up, I would have felt horrible for that 26 year old Dominican guy because he would have then gone to his grave going, I f**king booted that ball and cost us the game because what what happened is, here's what would have happened. That guy would have scored if he would have scored, the next guy would have got in and popped out and the girl would have gone an actress and he wouldn't want f**k the next batter would have popped out if I just kept it in front of me would have stopped and he would have been the goat and had to deal with that. And I always think if you that sort of Bill Buckner thing, which is Bill Buckner, is a famous goat in World Series history because a lot of very easy ground ball game he was on Curb Your Enthusiasm, right? Well, yes. Yes, he was. So the your worlds collide people. The I feel horrible for anyone who has to wear that hair shirt around for the rest of their life. And this guy and baseball fans, because they have nothing to do, are more relentless than other fans. A lot of downtime. I'll get into the downtime and the baseball fan for a second. For some reason, football fans have a shorter memory and basketball fans have a shorter memory because I think the game is sped up. Baseball players, they literally sit around and talk about s**t that happened in the 20s and stuff like that, like old 89 year old guys are still talking about s**t that went down before World War One murderer's row. Yeah, they've literally it's set. It's so its history, such a part of the game that you're you f**king up, then becomes part of the history, which is part of the game NFL. It's like. First off, half the players in the league don't couldn't name 10 players who played eight years before they came into the league. I mean, it's just as, no, it's just no, it's no history, it's all athleticism, but it's no, it's no real history. Baseball's all history. So that would have just gone down. And that would have been, yes, I was screaming, send him, send him. But that poor old guy had to make a decision in a split second, and he wasn't going to end the game on his watch and he would have been a go by the book. It was the right decision. Like I said, I'm a Giants fan, but part of me wanted him to get sent because that would have been a definitive end of the game or greatest play in World Series history. But it would have been a moment that we not going to forget. But again, it was outside of the van lunch at Al Qaeda. What were the chances that it would have worked? I would, I would say, coin toss. And if you're on on a positive side and on a negative side, maybe 25, 20, 25 percent, you saw the runner rounding the bases looking at the wall. If he had been head down, sprinting out of the box, I bet he would have scored. But he was kind of the ball going to get caught. Oh no, it's not. Oh, should I stop? Well, he thought he thought he was going to get a single, then he thought he was going to get a double. Then he thought he was going to get a triple, but he was running as if and if he just put his beard down and kept going. Either way, I was saying, send him because he's going to pop out and it didn't give a s**t, and neither did Sonny, who was playing on. But he has the ball to the Moon. Why doesn't he using his tablet? Yeah, he hits the f**king tee to the Moon. So that was exciting, exciting and exciting for Brian is a big Giants fan. That was awesome. I mean, I think royal fans and sports fans in general can agree. It was a good series and won seven games that came down to the bottom of the ninth. Came down the last pitch of the game, pretty much. And then I got obsessed with what I always get obsessed with, especially, and it's something I never noticed before. But now, now I got a six inch plasma and everything's in high def and it's nonstop spinning. It isn't so much what the giant shade of spitting. Now, the pitcher for Casey has a nervous tic. When it comes, he does that. Yeah, you see him making a little a little trough with his lower lip doing a weird, kind of like weird sprinkler thing and then and then a big spit and then back to weird like dipping. Some of them are dipping, some of them are eating seeds. Pablo Sandoval is dipping enough for everyone else. The guy who hit the triple at a huge thing, a dip in his mouth so that you could see his f**kin brown lower teeth and the child sort of hanging out. By the way, I don't think that there's no way that dip speeds you up on that basis. And then when the last guy who batted does the move for Casey does the move where he does, he shoots a seed out and then he shoots the husk out. Then he shoots. Some spit out. Then he shoots some husk out. And I said. It's weird to like I can get no traction with this, I just go, look, how about this rule with all the high def and in the spitting is not, oh, once in a while you see somebody on the team spit from up from, you know, but that's from the Goodyear blimp. They go to the dugout, I'm f**king with TiVo. I count it out. They go to the dugout for four second shots. I'm going to spit. Can I literally just dumping s**t? Everyone's just dumping spit everywhere. They go tight on the pitcher. Like when the pitcher standing there looking for the sign up on the mound there, his head is taking up the entire screen and he's doing it is weird. Lower lip service frank. I don't even know what it is. Then he takes his whole hand. He puts it in his mouth like he just got on. And I was funny because the last guy does that with the whole hand in the mouth got a grip on the ball. The last thing is on the fingertips. The by the way, before this discussion, it was 20 minutes of me sitting in the kitchen watching Linette load the dishwasher, but every single glass had been thoroughly with hot water cleaned out to the point where it was spotless and fine. And I was like, That doesn't just put her on the rack. I like it clean. It's clean right now. There's nothing on it. It's completely clean. It's utterly clean. Just put it on the rack right now. I want it clean. I want I don't want any bacteria. There is no bacteria. It's not like I was steeping chicken parts or something in there. There's nothing in there. Just put it, I want it in here. I was like, OK, but it doesn't. It's not going. I have this conversation. And it's a weird one, but I have it a lot with a lot of people, which is I'm not here to criticize. I only want to focus on things that make sense in you. Your feelings base you loading and unloading that is just creating extra work for you. But my what I don't understand is the step of rinsing it out beforehand. If it feels like a one or the other standing over the sink, the sink is running of hot water on it and the glass is perfectly clear and perfectly clean. Now put it here. No, it's got to be. I want the hot water, you know, I want it steamed or whatever. OK, fine. Listen, I, as I say, look, we were talking the other night, you know, the most germs in the world on the coffee pot, all the f**king people in the bathroom, opening the door with their sleeve, lifting the toilet seat with their foot making the whole thing. That's fine, except for all the germs are on the coffee pot. And by the way, people pour the coffee, then they walk out and grab a bagel or a doughnut. They walk back to their desk and eat it with that exact same hand, the hand hand on the f**king coffee pot handle and don't think twice about it because emotionally it's not moving their needle at all. Emotionally fine. Hey, it's it's coffee. I like coffee coffees, nice coffees, warm coffees, inviting when there's a doughnut, that's fine. How many times have you seen the person tear the casone or the doughnut or the bagel in half and put the thing in there? Everyone walks up. They don't pick it up with their f**king sleeve or Kleenex or tongs or anything. They just pick it up. And I believe it. Well, that was just in someone's hand. They had to grab your hand because they had to tear in half. They arguably had a better grip on your side. They threw it down and you're back in there with the sleeves in the opening, the bathroom door with your foot and all kinds of it's great, except for it doesn't make any sense at all. And all I ever say to everyone is, let's just do what makes sense. Let's just do what makes sense. Just do it makes sense. And it's like, now I I want to do it this way. I feel much better about it this way. But there's no scientific anything that can back up that manner that you're doing, that's creating a whole bunch of extra work for you. And it's like. Understood. I like it this way, which is. It's f**king weird to me how and by the way, the entire entire country is this. I mean, it makes sense what you're saying, but I'm just thinking the person who says to you, I get it, but I like doing it this way. I'm wondering if they actually don't believe what you're saying. They act as if they don't believe what I'm saying. And there's this new gray area now with people where again, where it's like, you say to somebody, I talked to so-and-so, did you pay him for that gig? I thought I did. You thought you did? Because he said you didn't. Well, maybe I didn't. Well, you didn't wait a second ago. You said you thought you did. Did you really think you did? Why are you being a dick? Yeah, that's that's that's that's my relationship with other humans on the planet. But you're acting like a dick. What I'm saying is, is their actions would suggest they don't believe me. But that's not that's that's almost too high an order or a thought. Right, they're not going to commit, they're just going to go with what makes them. It's much more just superstitious, native like this is the way I do it and I'm always like. Do you does anyone want to listen to the guy who never gets sick, who owns everything or put it that way? I want to listen to that guy. I am the guy I never get sick, who owns everything is maybe, maybe I have. Maybe there's some insights I have. Maybe there a couple techniques I know in life that may for owning not getting sick, for owning and not getting sick. But that doesn't, by the way, those days are long gone, like whatever you have done with no meat will be done for me lately, Adam, meaning the. Back to baseball, my batting average is pretty good, I don't Hunter Pence good or is a pretty good bet on a lot of my pants are lower. I don't bat on a lot of fun. I don't bet on a lot of dogs. I don't I don't make a lot of like decisions that I regret, you know, and I'd like when I say, like, this is good. It's usually good, but it's not the people they don't know. They don't think you're a liar. It's just this is the way I do it. It's it's basically it's like, you know, the it's it's everything in life. Like, we talk about like, look, you're not religious, you're not superstitious, but we're getting on a plane. We're not going to talk about plane disasters. It's just not we're not going to do that. You know, it has nothing to do with this flight. But still, that's not going to be a topic soon on the table, right? On, right? Yes, there's that. It's that kind of a thing, but either way, it's spitting at spitting. It's more spitting. It's spitting, it's spitting. So I say to Lynnette, What the f**k like now with high def and everyone with the 65 inch plasma? How about this rule? No dip when you're walking a home plate or if you take them out, look, eat. Lay out a full f**king Caesar style buffet in the f**king dugout. But once you go out to perform which you are being paid millions of dollars to do. I look, if you ever seen Kobe Bryant running up and down the f**king hardwood or the burrito ness and going and going, Oh, he's hungry, I just got to eat honey, why can't he wants a big deal or are just sitting on the bench for some nachos between his legs or something? We've carved out three hours where you do your job. Can you not eat during that period? I will schedule the game when you eat lunch. One too good will make the game four three and then you'll be home for supper at seven. Like, but during this period, can we can we just not. I mean, look, a lot of guys smoke weed lot. Do you guys like to have a cold one lie? Do you guys like to eat pussy? But during this three hour period, can we limit that? Can we not eat snatch during the f**king three hour period? Or is the answer? I like eating pussy. I think for some, pussy helps them play ball. Yeah, you get paid millions of dollars a year. Can you leave the f**kin seeds in the dip in the dugout so these guys all come up to home plate or take them out on it? Yeah, and they're spitting all over their spit just flew out of your mess and land like she does what everyone does. It's baseball. They just that's what they do. What are you going to do? Say no. And I was like, Absolutely exactly what I want. I want to take a Sharpie and I want to race the San Diego Padres logo, and I want to put a swastika on there. How about that? Now the answer's no. You don't get to do that for the game. I picked him specifically because I have an angel guy up. I religiously. The point is Breyer the answer just be no. And I'm not saying you can't dip or eat seeds when the game's over. But during this window, just like in basketball, just like in football, you don't see f**king Peyton manning eating a f**king grinder, a hoagie on. No, it's not during this period of time. All right. And how about this? How about just this? As a start. Eat all the seeds you like, chew all the dip you like. But before you head to the on deck circle or before you take the mound. How about you rinse out with a little tap water and just for the for the very brief time you'll be at the plate. The 86 seconds you'll be at the plate, you won't have to engage. You cannot engage in this activity. That's super gross and high def for just this one moment in time. Yeah. Yes. Does that sound sound fair? Yeah. And then, hey, pitcher, you like to get back to your seats in your dip? Here's your incentive. Go out there, throw three pitches, have them all be grounders to the shortstop, and you can run back and get your precious seeds and depth and speed up the game. While it's disgusting and it's like, well, the players association would never go for never go for not eating while you're batting for and ingesting tobacco. It's, by the way, the f**k in the dip is as dangerous or almost as dangerous as smoking. I mean, it's up there. It's not. It's probably statistically not as well. It's definitely, definitely not a happy alternative. DFG. How are you a different guy? What's up? Living the dream? Yeah. DFG, it's been too long. Oh, it's wet the help, Nelson, I'm going to do, I danced on operated with a clean up those pumpkins. That's right, Fred. That's the first thing DFG ever said to me. How are we gonna do? What's up, bro? What's up, bro? Oh, hey. Oh yeah. Were you going to do some JV or all balls like a Halloween style version? And yeah, but dude, I never knowed anybody has guy lip cancer from Depp. Oh, well, you hang around a bunch of 20 something year olds. But when these guys get older, man, it gets ugly. They get a they get it off their lips, their jaws. Never even I'm giving a grizzly wintergreen pouches out for trick or treat candy. Oh no, no, you can't give Depp out, are you? Well, you know, they don't like it, I'll take it. Oh, you're talking about the actual the pouch they come out is for kid. No, no, no, no. The card to purchase all of the whole Thanksgiving dinner, bro. I would love, by the way, I would. This is what I'm going to do. Oh my god, are you ready? Set up the GoPros. I'm going out to Santa Monica. I'm going to give out powdered candy cigarettes and that little grizzly dip pouches. OK. Those would be the only two options when the kids come by. It's going to be so awesome to have that. That's the whole thing. That is a f**king awesome port. Call them porch arguments. And I'll be like there. Yeah, they're called candy cigarettes, candy cigarettes, nuts. There's candy corn. It's not real corn. If your kid was allergic to corn, they could still eat candy corn. Yeah, that's right. And the grizzly pouches, those are smokeless. That's right. Yeah, you're coming out ahead. The greatest awesome porch argument ever. All right. So DfT, where were we? Oh, I do. I think you will. I was going to ask you some J.B., all bald, Quentin. All right. I think we have an have an intro right now, man. Drea presents the deaf frat guy and J.V. or ball ball as. He called for the prodigal house to the show, the desperate the hearing impaired broke his hammered all day long. Moves by them, they chokes. She'll continue to govern and get good. If something's going to make the call, so it's time for. All right. The. Oh, yeah. What do you think about moves always dressing up like a lady, like a hot chick? This year, he's going to be sexy Ebola nurse. Uh huh.. Timely is timely. Say you worry now. Moose is the one who had wood during the halftime of Super Bowl, where Mick Jagger performed right, or he had wood rattling all the time with other dude. So you're a little like best friend. Yeah, no. I understand that. Feel nervous about moose. Like, you know, he maybe we might be gay. He goes as a woman. Everything you would. He's by, Oh, you think he's bi? He was always, he's not buy anymore. He's a asexual. He's now having no sex now. Not yeah, that's I don't know, dude. He's a freak. But tonight he dressed, he only dresses up like a chick. Yeah, I'll tell you, I've gone as a chick many years. I would say if there was a guy and you thought, I wonder if that guy is gay or not, he would never dress as a check on Halloween because he wouldn't want. He'd overcompensate. Yes, he got super masculine, right? Mm hmm. So I'm going to say all balls. It's not J.V. I'm gone. Yeah, my balls. I feel like it's JV. I'm sorry, Adam. I just think it's a little be cliche. Mm hmm. Dave. All right, Jamie. All right. Why don't you just go ahead and get, you know, save some makeup and just put a cork in your a*s now? Was that a makeup saver? Oh, I see, right? OK. All right. Listen, I hope Moose doesn't listen to this podcast. I don't know what he's doing, dude, he's up in Frisco. Oh, no. The plot thickens. He's celebrating working for the San Francisco Jets, and Halloween is like the equipment that moves all that. The Jacks. Yeah, that's yeah. Well, we can get into that later. All right. Anyway. What? Oh hell yeah. Mm hmm. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, what do you think about when Pete, when the kids use eggs to egg houses? Mm hmm. You know, it's weird because I enjoy eating eggs, but people always say, Oh, it'll take the paint, screws up the paint on the car and screws up. It's weird that something you eat so readily and serve your kids on a daily basis takes the paint off of cars. Does it really do that? Everyone claims that it really f**ks things up. The thing about eggs is they're a little bit. I love the notion of hacking things, but the egg is a little aggressive. First off, if it hits you, it's kind of if it hits you like the eyeball or the orbital soccer stuff is going to f**k you up a little bit. Number one, number two, you can throw it. You could bust a window with an egg, probably pretty easily. And you can kind of it makes enough. Now, if it then dries overnight, and like I said on the card, kind of it's hard to clean off and all that kind of s**t. Plus, you know, just the hacking of food, especially a protein. Yeah. You know, Gallagher smashing melons is one thing. This is a protein source. I want something in between toilet paper and eggs. OK. Pallbearers, apparently about two. Yes, it's it's not quite, you know, it's like toilet papers to light. Eggs are a little a little too aggressive. Water balloons? Yeah. But then that's like you could sleep through that. You know that that's OK, but you have to hit the person with it. I'm going to say, I'm going to say, Javi, I don't like thrown eggs at people. I just never saw the appeal. I say, Javi, I think Javi as well. All ball people told my people he thought it meant the house. Mm hmm. Like, who would you throw it at, like Ashley's house or something like that? I like the dean. You find that way there. Aha. Well, the professor that gave you a bad grade or or failed you because maybe you showed up late or didn't go to the class to halt the matter. Yeah. But then don't you think you should fail if you don't go the whole semester? The do you want to make that dean or professor you want make their their house look like if all white, if Colby Yellow the next day would egg? Oh yeah, yeah. Would that be all right or both perfect weapon that Nacho ever made? Yeah. Well, Potato Potato is up there too, right? Oh, that you could throw yourself. Yeah, you got to have a potato gun right now. We tell them. Yeah. All right. Give us two more. Oh, all right. Hell yeah. Mm hmm. Playing hokey pokey candy corn. Oh, OK, cookie is bad enough, but OK, candy corn is a small target. Oh well, cookie cookie is, you know, it's bloat. I, I sure do. But if the listener would like to know, then perhaps someone should explain that I am familiar with this game. I have no idea. Hey, Jason, if you if you if you toss out to Gary, Gary can find, Hey, DFG. Now we in memory used to watch the man show back in the day, right? Yeah, with the fox. Yeah, there was I think there was a man show. The judges, yeah, there was a man show, frat house kit for kids like play, you know, the sort of G.I. Joes, but frat boys, it was a whole like, you know, Barbie's dream house, but it was like four nine year old boys. That bit I think may have involved. Did it come with a cookie? Wow. I think, well, I'll show you that bit if we can find haven't seen it in a million years. But remember that bit the FDA, I think they were franchise superheroes. Yeah, something something like that. All right. So. OK, cookie. So whoever finishes last has to eat the oaky candy corn. Now we're now in a way. There's there's a part of me, does everyone come on one? Candy corn, I don't think that's going to be a tall order. That's a small target. Yeah. No. I'm picturing more of a Jell-O cup filled with canned acquired all of them. Oh yeah. So on one hand, it's one of those things where you go, Oh my God. Now, on the other hand, it's kind of like when you someone says, I went over Niagara Falls in a barrel, you know, like, I could never do that, but I kind of respect it. The kind of respect, the crazy challenge. I mean, that's that's kind of crazy challenge to respect. Crazy challenge. Yeah, I say it's literally all balls. I can't see a benefit to this. I said, Jamie, I appreciate the seasonal aspect of Oz while it is all ball because it's exactly what Ace was saying. It's like the adrenaline rush you get from not it's not every candy corn is covered in kids. Yeah, I know. But for me, you know, I would say it's more like being able to really laser focus and not be the last one. Do you have do you saying there are some candy corn you can enjoy? Yeah, OK, I got you. All right. Safer than the cookie. Cookie Colvard. Yeah, I understood. Understood. All right. Give us one more TFG. I I just do a speed round, bro. OK, is Tom McDonald of All Balls? Oh, balls. Oh yeah. Oh, pink guy. Well, it's not pink eye. It's earning it or giving it. You know what I mean? It's like nobody likes crabs, but if you got it from a supermodel, I think we'd be OK with that. So I'm going to say surprisingly, all balls, Davey, baby. Oh, all right. Pinky. All balls. J.B. Oh yeah, Dave. All in the world. Sammy Default Classic. The Fall Classic. It even sounds boring. Sounds like a golf tournament. I'm going. Oh, balls, Dave. Dave, how are you? It's called the World Series. Yeah, thank you. All right. Goblins, bro. Goblins. Yeah, I think it's J.V. I'm tired of goblins. Oh, balls. Yeah, I'll go all balls. They're all balls. s**t. I hate to fight Dave. Hold on a second. One more. One more here, speedrun. Okay. Not letting others define you. Yeah, I think it's Jay V. I think telling people not to define is like telling people not to judge you. It's impossible. This has got to be all balls of balls. It's all balls. Never let people define you, especially others. So don't let other people define you, especially others. Yeah, okay. That's a good, positive note. That's like a good Rihanna themed song, you know? Mm hmm. Thanks, DFG. Howie, I brought this one. Can I give a shout out to my Twitter and put his uncle Dos Ken, over Ebola? How he had to? Happy Halloween ! He's still in segregation. Yeah. Quarantine, right? Yeah. You know, for a quarter of not a quarter of a month or some s**t. Yeah. OK, so pooches uncle got Ebola. He tested positive. OK, all right, that's enough is enough. All right. DFG, you can go at Def Frat Guy on Twitter if you want to send out some. He was asymptomatic until he started fire the diarrhea from his a*s. Right? That's yeah. Ebola was like a Wolverine, crawled up his a*s and was fighting to get out of him. He's an eloquent man. Puget Sound. We should get him on the show. So while descriptive? All right. Thanks, TFG. Oh yeah, bro. All right. That was Javy or all walls with deaf frat guy drives by man Greer. Let's see our next J comedian is here waiting to come in, we'll bring him in a second. We have the man. We have the man show fraternity action heroes. OK, we're on you that you guys join the new hero fraternity action heroes. Five tough guys. One Tough fraternity Smitty. Joe Big Dave Puder and the tone. Got stuck on the evil beat, and I'm going to shut your house down if you don't catch tomorrow's exam. Forget your name. We're not cruising on my dad's fever to pick up some ecstasy for our party with the corporate. You're coffee. Feel my legs. Collect all five, so you and your friends can act out classic fraternity rituals. Fraternity action heroes Cookie Cookie sold separately. Four of them were like traditional figures in the one fat guy in a toga, the one Lucy. Yeah. And was that toad? Yeah, I remember having a nice conversation with the all the ladies at Comedy Central, where 51 year old ladies and I was like, They're like, Annabel, what is an OK cookie? Well, it means different things to different people. But I do know this OK is not on anybody's no fly. I mean, you know, FCC and say, OK, all day long. And of course, cookie I. And what's better than a cookie? So, you know, you would be talking to Debbie Liebling going, Well, yeah, you can say, OK, cookie. I mean, that much we know. I don't know if we can show one of the lads eating a lowkey cookie that I might be, you know, crossing the line. But either she'd be arguing. No cookie cookie. And we'd be like, Well, let us just show the cookie, but not kid. And they'd be like. And then she'd be like, Well, let me go down the hall and run it down, run a lawyer and talk to a lawyer about it. Like, All right, well, you know, get back this pretty quick on this OK cookie thing because we're running this thing and you have this thing. Well, if you run it for the audience because we're taping two shows and I can we edited out the OK cookie if we have a standards and practices? Well, it might be tough to carve the okey cookie out of it. It's like it's like two adults on a 22 minute conference call about the the hokey cookie. The cookie is OK. Yeah, that maybe that was my entire life was arguing about that kind of stuff with some. And by the way. Alton, nothing amounts to anything like you have these super heated arguments that go on for sometimes days on and off and then you blink your eyes. And 12 years passes and no one gives a f**k. No one brings it up to anyone. Back then, nobody gave a f**k. Back then, either. It was just somebody was getting paid a lot to pretend like they gave a f**k and you were going to get into an argument with them. All right, we will bring Arnaz Jay out. Let me tell you about angry homeowners. You know, it's a lot of work down a home, whether it's everyday maintenance repairs or dream projects. It can be hard even know where to start. All you need is Angie your home for everything home. Find a skilled local pro who will deliver quality and experience over 20 years of home service experience. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions, and Angie handles the rest. Look, you're busy. You don't have time to do all this stuff, let Angie handle it. Take care of just about any home project and just a few taps. Download the free Angie Mobile app today or visit online. Visit Angie dot com. That's a Angie I dot com a Angie I dot com. That's Angie. Let them do all the heavy lifting. Apartment scam helped millions of renters find their perfect places, and they're all different because none of us are the same. So why should our homes be? Apartment scam has the right tools to help you find the place that's uniquely perfect for you. Sort through and filter listings by amenities and don't miss out on their instant alert option. With over a million available units for rent, you'll find the place that's right for you. Whether you're looking for a place where the basement yard or pool apartments dot com, that's apartments dot com the place to find a place. All right, was Adam Carolla show 14:44 come up for clip number two today we have Adam Carolla show episode 2000 with the Try Guys and the world premiere of He's Done 2000 podcast for its banks. No, try guys in this portion. Hope you guys enjoy. This is not tricity in the air today, and that's why my hair's a mess. Good day, Gina Grant to you and valbrun congratulations everyone. I want to say this things in life creep along. We're getting heavy and they happen very gradually. And the very gradual part is the part that makes it difficult to wrap your mind around or understand the person who you see on a daily basis who loses 80 pounds. That's understandable, but never jarring. It's that same person you haven't seen since last year, and then you see them like, Oh my God, the way know what happened. What happened is amazing. Oh, great. It just elicits a different response because it's all at once versus very slow. I've lost four pounds a week for the last 17 weeks, and now here we are. So that never really gets any response because sometimes it gets looking good or whatever. But it doesn't really. Not from the day in and day out, because those people see every day hard to and it's a human thing. What we've been able to do here and come to a place and come to a studio, I had to as I was floating around in my freezing cold pool the other day and looking at the Philly cheesesteak, who does this great move, which is he gets on the he gets on the side of the pool and looks down at me like, Hey, I'm not f**king nuts, I'm not going in there like I have a three IQ, but I'm still not going in there. But he's all jowl when he looks down at me. You don't get that POV of your dog that often, or hopefully you do. You use plenty of water soluble lube that'll come off in the pool, but that dog just looking down his jowls starts surrounding his eye sockets, which is funny when the jowls spill up into the eyes. And he's just looked at me and he does this weird maneuver. He takes one paw and he just puts it out. Not really. He's not sure what he's getting out of it. Is that sure what he's doing and we high fiving and you're trying to pull me in like, I don't have anything he needs. He just does the thing with his pop. Is there a little of like, is he OK? Should I check him for the make sure it's moving? I wish there is not OK that I was just floating in my freezing cold pool and I was thinking to myself, You know, you've been able to carve out a life where you have a warehouse or you built this a studio in your warehouse. You've surrounding yourself with people you want to work with and you get to go in there every day and that's your job. And I'm thinking, that is insane. That's that's an insane notion. I mean, look, it's insane enough that you're able to get a job on spike TV or you get a job on whatever radio station or whatever that is. But the idea that you just get to go to that warehouse you bought to put a couple of cars and back in the day and go sit in your studio and talk into your microphone as a job is pretty outrageous. Now it's been done incrementally and for so long that it doesn't feel like it would feel if I was just in high school or swinging a hammer or whatever it was, my former life was if I just woke up here be like, Oh my God, this is insane. And it's important, I think, for everybody to sort of see if you can dunk yourself in the freezing, frigid waters of life every once in a while and think, Wait a minute. Here I am. Look at this. I mean, it's so easy to with the kids in the schedule and everything sort have everything just kind of passed you by where at the, you know, we're capable as humans of marveling at, you know, it took me take me and TiVo or DVR. I went from, Wait a minute, you can't stop TV. You can't pause a live show that's gone. I'm not a warlock that that's alchemy where you can't do this stuff. How do you do it to Jesus Christ? I recorded the g*****n playoff game, but didn't do it to 15 minutes. I didn't see the fourth quarter. I didn't see the last three minutes of car. Now I'm right. Yep, yeah, that's how we're that's what we're able to do as human beings, right from the Oh my god. I could have traded a five year old DVR to Elvis for his house in 1975. Possibly two of them, possibly to us. Yes. And a couple of his lady friends. But now I'm yelling at mine because it wasn't smart enough or I wasn't smart enough to hit the extend and record the rest of the fourth quarter of a football game. So. That's where we're at, and I am going to tell you right now that I do appreciate this, that I do think about this, that I I realize that it can't be done without you guys and it can't be done with out the sharing. I took Philly cheesesteak for a walk on Friday night when everybody was somewhere other than home, and I just called the guy, Matt, from Chicago, who had lost his dad and a sister in the plane crash. It's nice and we had a nice chat. And he's 24. And my God. I mean, you know, talking to him about his tool room and him and his dad had his tool room and they had the tool room in the basement and I was ask him what he had. And he did this part where he said, we have a band saw there's a band saw, but we we have to put it, I have to put it together. It's still in the box. I think I sort of realized, Oh, he got that while his dad was around and they had planned on putting it together and using it. But we had a very nice conversation and meant a lot to him that you called. Well, it meant a lot to me because I was saying our fans, he said, Oh, we saw you in Chicago and we saw you doing stand up and we saw you doing live podcast. Before I took my dad, my dad took me whatever it is, that's why we're here. And we never lose sight of that. So I want to thank all of you for listening for all these years and being a part of these 2000 episodes. So I appreciate it. And now we'll move forward with our 2000 episode. Let's see. We've got our rich bank song. Gary, Brian has it. I do. All right. I have not heard it. I have not, either. Let's check it out. Give it a lesson. This could be the beginning of something great or could be painful, humiliating 20 minutes. Let me tell you about first off, I got to say this. I'm nervous. I don't know why, but I've never done this before. Jimmy Kimmel Pitch on Pain Adams Magic Crystal Brain Back on Beavis Bryant's Cancer Lazy Hippie Mom. Seth Macfarlane. Gavin Newsom Controllers to when Bryan Cranston. Bryan Bishop both spelled with the Y. Blah blah blah. Confirmed you no returns, j more than Frank Guy. Bryan Cranston does. I know Moesha was hichi pissed off the Philippines. Alec Baldwin reeled off it on his right. Goodbye, 2005. Just. Complaining and getting in the waiting list of 12. You keep on going because it's hard exploring local power, makes you say 15 years will all be change smacks of bad after Kerry took it on a flight which does not dispatch Richard Martin, that White House very near those road trips Occupy Wall Street. Rock rode hard guy to win him, got fond in the news. Dropped the curtain on Williams to win Shropshire a week and Rage podcast on a cruise ship illustrated Typekit Tournament of roses. I can't comprehend the brand the way he's done two thousand podcasts. I can be ten more verses. It's hard he's going to game Artie Lange August looks like k.d. lang rice genius chess crew. The f**k selfish s**t. Derrick Rose, Dr. Drew David, Wildfowl du LAC, St. Louis, Michael Brewer, Elliott Gould Interview My God. Go go, Beastie Boys, Holler notes Buell Howser might well, may be your Taddeo Dawson president, be made of peanut allergies r****ds at the HuffPo Kevin Smith's in-house home since 2009. For now, I'm bringing their way out of chaos and ongoing because it's hard. Albert Brooks has best guest list that kicked off Southwest Poly film Big Mama. Got It All Sunny and the town. You're not Taco Bell. The Fury of Old Don Cheap Calls Chain Smoking Baby Don't No Beer in first class dagga. Teddy Pendergrass 15 Now J.B. What else do you want from me? So two thousand. I hope it goes another step two thousand. I guess you keep on going. It's hard. He's always tablature. Also, definitely not a Jew. Rich man, poor man. Bollywood came in Texas Fisher, Jeff Ross, Rose Island, the Gold Coast. This record from your every year Brent Apprentice made a movie favorite tweets, red bracelets, reading beach. Do his best, not your best window of negligence. He sold out. Seattle's four man grill isn't getting your start. Look at his complaint about Obama's charity Freak Out Some 2000 podcast. Braving the rain, he said. Yes. And if they're nicely gone, they still get, you know. Yeah. Rich banks, well, I'm guessing an assist from Michael Lynch that is their opus is amazing. Absolutely amazing. We should play that on stage in Fresno. Yeah, I love that kid that bears repeated listening. There's a lot I need to unpack that song. Yeah. See what hit blockbusters are streaming free this month during Popcorn Summer movies on Pluto TV. Watch Django Unchained or Transformers Dark of the Moon for an action packed evening or The Truman Show and School of Rock for a good laugh, but the whole family. Plus, Pluto TV has thousands of other free movies available on live and on demand. Download Pluto TV on all your favorite devices for free and start streaming now. All right. He's done 2000 podcasts and rich banks. Up next, we have Adam Carolla Show 13 12. Alicia Witt, Alison Rose, Bryan Bishop April 2014. Check it out. Yeah, everybody, police here with us here. Hey, good to see you. Just fine. One of the many shows I was Giovanni superfan Giovanni emailed me and he said Alisha was on Loveline in 1998. I remember that. I can't remember you're doing a horror movie. She played a urban legend. Urban legend. Mm hmm. Yeah. And she said he said she said she liked fart humor. So you farted and said, Did you fart or did I fart? He said, I farted. And then he said, then fart it again, and then you fart a third time, and then she wasn't laughing. I have blocked this out of my memory. I didn't. I did as well. That Giovanni. He brings back memories fond and painful. What's that smell? That's what I'm talking about. That's right. I mean, that's really free for you to hear that she likes fart humor and then fart, because sometimes you get more than you are bargaining for. And also fart humor isn't always asked. Related? No, it doesn't have to be. It can be all different orifices. Yeah, or cerebral fart humor or not. That's right. High concept. Yeah. Like, Oh, it's but he's right and ends with a whiff. Yes, exactly. So Alisha has been. Oh, let's see, do 1984's when you got started. I guess you've been like acting your whole life. Yes. What's the story? Where are you coming? Massachusetts, that's exactly where I'm from. Yes, I'm originally from Worcester, Worcester, Massachusetts. Mm-Hmm. But I've lived in L.A. since I was 14. And you were good student. Smart Bright just decided acting is what you want to do. Or somebody decided that I wound up in June through the weirdest chain of events. I had been on a variety show called That's incredible when I was. I remember that's incredible. I was on that. I was doing Shakespeare when you were four. Yes. Now there was two shows one of them had like John Davidson and Fran Tarkenton or something like that. That's incredible. Yeah. It was a lot of go back to home base. Guy had a, you know, guy with a beard of bees and then they'd go, bring in the human interest. And then the guy who was bouncing the chair and the Eiffel Tower, and then they go back to some of the contortionists. There was one who was in a bar and all. So you could you could. You were reading at age two, right? Yes. And see IRA and then at age four, you're on. That's incredible. Yes. Doing Shakespeare. That's yeah, that's true. Well, wait, what do you doing, though? I was doing Romeo and Juliet, part of the balcony scene with John Davidson as Romeo. I was fortunate that I was like five and a half. So you're way ahead of me. So that must have been amazing and insane. And it was crazy. And I it was the first time I had any experience like that, obviously, and I still didn't think I could be an actor. It was just wasn't on my radar and then randomly at four now. I mean, it's not like I grew up around any actors or saw any. And then a few years later, the casting director for Dune was watching a repeat of that same episode. And they were looking specifically for a little girl who could say big words, basically, because this character that I played in June had been infused with the water of life in the womb, and she was supposed to have the knowledge of generations of Reverend Mothers before her. So you had to toss out big words. Yes. And out of a young mouth and they went that girl. Four. And so I went to New York and auditioned for David Lynch and got the part, and that changed my life. And then you come out here at 14 and you start acting and it's basically what you did. You ever have a day job, so to speak? Or is it just been straight on through my job that I did while I was playing small parts? And, you know, getting my feet wet was I played piano for a living at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. Really? And I did that for two and a half years. And before that I had done various less regular jobs, like playing for brunches and playing one. You were. You were just the person in the lobby creating the ambiance exactly like they have a really nice department store. That's exactly right. Wow. You literally come up and make requests, and I'd do my best to play whatever they asked for. I had these huge fake books, which are just basically the melodies and the chords. And then you go from there is now ice to where we were sort of our trajectory, sort of our simpatico because this had to be good. I was cleaning ice to clean the carpets over at the Beverly Wilshire. Are you serious? Yeah. And I remember it's why I love going to Wolfgang Puck Place cut over there because there used to be a little diner called the pink turtle. And that and then there was a grand train on room or something on the other side and something, something something. But anyway, they tore out the little diner and they tore out some other rooms and they made this big restaurant out of it, which now cut. But that used to be back in the day, back in the Pretty Woman days back when it was configured, because I think that was the hotel that was around the time. I mean, I was there a little bit after Pretty Woman, but the lobby lounge was where they had the big fancy desserts. It was a restaurant, but it was also a lounge. And because I was a miner, I mean, I was 16 when I started there. Yeah, they did serve alcohol, but because it was called a lounge and not a bar, I was allowed to play there. There was a bar at the other end of the hotel that was called a bar and I was not allowed to play there. I always hated the fact that the Beverly Hills Hotel, the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and the Beverly Hilton were all within like seven blocks of each other. It's so f**king easy to go to the wrong one. I've done it a million times. I go, Where are the upfronts? They're at the Beverly Hilton. Then I just go to the Beverly Wilshire Wilshire. Never went off like that. They're all f**king off a Wilshire. Yeah. So wow. So you're playing the piano at 16. Was that unusual to be playing piano in a hotel at that age? For me, everything was. I mean, I know now how unusual everything about my my childhood was. But at the time it seemed like the most normal thing in the world. So of course, at 16, you feel so much more grown up. I think everyone does. So I didn't think, Oh, and I'm too young to be doing this or anything. I just wanted to be able to pay my rent and a lot of weird foreign dudes coming on to you constantly. All the time. All the time. Yeah, they always thought I was older than I was. No, no redheads where they're from. No know a lot of Sultan guys. Yes, that's exactly right. My room is 100 feet above your piano. Come up this show you. George Burns came in once, though. Oh, really, he was very cool. I played young at heart for him. Oh, really? Yeah. And he tried to pick up on, too. He didn't know. At least I don't think he did. If he did, I was unaware we must have seen a lot of luminaries sort of passing through there because that was kind of the place. I mean, when? People actors would be put up and people would come into town and do all that kind of stuff, that was one of the few places, yeah. There were quite a few people that came through. One who came in all the time. I think she was actually living at the hotel in the last few years of her life. Do you know who the actress Beatrice Straight was? She was. She was in network. Oh, and she won an Oscar, and she was famous for having won the Oscar. I think she was only in two scenes or three scenes, but in network in networks. Right? But Beatrice Straight would sit at the end of my piano and came in about twice a week and would just sit there and applaud. She was very sweet. Why? Why is there something exceedingly sad about the last years in a nice hotel, even if it means you have more money than anyone else, you know, like? Because it seems so anonymous now it. But there's a kind of a power move to it as well, like staying like full time residency at a hotel like that means you've got a lot of f**king money socked away, and it also means you're kind of choosing to do it like you could stay. Almost certainly buy a condo down Wilshire if you can afford to stay at the Beverly Wilshire every night. But there's something very sad about it and lonely about it. But why is it so sad and lonely? Maybe you're f**king your brains out upstairs and you're having a ton of fun down at the bar and sitting with Alicia. Why was she a piano? f**king your brains out upstairs having a ton of fun? I. I think she was probably not. I'm going to go with no on that one. All right. I'd like to think she was. That's me. But but maybe I hope that she was. You know what it seems like if you live in a hotel, even though you might know the people that work there, you never really have a community. Is that sad? Because people are always coming and going? But you're not, I guess. But I mean, do you? When I lived in apartments, here's how. Here's the only people I ever knew the apartment and apartments. That's the f**king a*****e who lives downstairs. And that's the. You never stop to call the f**king cops. I is just outside garbage, and that's f**king dickhead is always walking around the subterranean parking with f**king hands, his pockets in a circle. I don't know who the f**k is Kennedy? That's me. Yeah. And then you move into a house and it's kind of the same same thing as just a little further apart. But there's a lot of that. There's the old weird guy walks his dog at the wrong time. You know that that guy? Yeah, I always notice people buy their dogs. I pay much more attention to the sound of the dogs bark and what the dog's habits are are going to be and how many times they walk them and that kind of thing. I'm in an apartment type situation. Yeah, I I don't know what percentage now, now that dogs are allowed in airplanes. Yes. Then can apartments say we don't take pets anymore? I don't know if it's a service dog. They can't legally say that. So everybody for $52 can go online and make their dog into a service dog. You have to not say this out loud because then everybody's going to do when they're already on. I haven't done it yet. I don't do it. Oh, all right. Please be amongst the honest dignity and no price can be put upon dignity. I knew there was a reason why I hadn't done it yet. I'll probably not do it now, my dignity. All right, that was Alisha went back in 2014. Coming up next, we have Adam Crawshaw, 12 61, featuring Greg Fitzsimmons, Alison Rose and Brian Bishop. This is a classic story that Adam oftentimes mixes up and merges with other Greg Fitzsimmons stories to make it even more hilarious. Much of Greg's delight. You guys enjoy this one. All right, we have another question out there. Sure. This one's from Mike DataLab of Newport or his maker. Yeah, there he is. Yeah. Well, Adam, give him the mike because he has to. Oh yeah. Perfect question. And I'm not a hundred percent sure about. You're not 100 percent sure about it, I don't know this happened. You claim it happened, I don't know. Oh yeah. Greg Fitzsimmons famously has a story about sticking a pencil up his a*s. I just want to know if you had a story like that, Adam is getting more famous. It was held that story on my podcast. Or have you told everyone that you heard it on her page, you know? Well, Jimmy literally never told that, to be fair to Greg. Somebody needed a number two pencil really badly. And all we had was ones in threes. And Greg said, Don't worry, anybody can make it into a tear. This was an alchemist a**l. That's the because it's time for him to just eat em. Yeah, I'm sorry, Greg. What was that story about putting a pencil in your a*s? Oh, no, I think he was just saying as an example for you to tell a totally different story than the one about the pencil up my a*s. I'm pretty sure you didn't hear the pencil story, which begs less a regular pencil or mechanical pencil. And that would be cool with the mechanical pencils you start twisting your ear and the LED starts coming out. You know that'd be a cool move. I mean, you could do that with that. A pencil, though. Yeah, if you're a talented. Hmm. So what was the occasion when you did this? It's Tuesday. It's not a story. It's it's a fable. It's a thing. It's a thing I did. There's no beginning, middle and an end. I used to I used to put a pencil in my a*s when I masturbated, when I was like 13. Uh-Huh. Oh, well, this is a story I don't know up more than once occurrence. Later on, it seems dad like doing the taxes and buying on the end of it like you. How many dependents should we claim? What the heck, anyway? Where was I? How many dependents and what the s**t? I'm sorry. What did the dog s**t in a reduction anyway? How many dependents you require, honey? What are you cooking in there? Yeah. Wow. And as far as the pencil goes business and eraser end, what are we talking about here? I mean, that's you're making a joke out of something that was there was, you know, it was meaningful to me. Right? I mean, that pencil was, I remember, as a Ticonderoga meeting back then they made, um, I mean, they none of these swizzle stick f**king pencils. Yeah, those were. Those were Lincoln log pencils, right? Yeah. Now they had some half the way. Sure. Yeah, right. And they had vibrators in them. They had batteries. Wow. Yeah, they were. They were vibrating. Pencils were wasn't beating off enough. When you're 13, did did you feel you needed up the ante at that tender age? Like to me. The bloom was not off the rose for several decades. The bloom is not off. The brown rose for several decades. I was enamored with masturbation from the beginning. I didn't feel like, Oh boy, I really got up the ante here. That's all there is. I I don't remember why I used to put the pants up my ass, and I don't know why this guy brought it up. But it's Valentine's Day, and we could probably move on to some other stories. Now, do you think your forefathers would have put like quills up their ass, or do you think that's a generational thing? I'm asking, in all seriousness, I'm not being pejorative here. I want to know it's this and like, look, let me ask you this when you're not feeling quite up to it. Do you go with like a golf pencil like when it's like you're running short on time? So this is your whole monologue about pencils up the a*s you just give? I'm wondering if your ancestors put quills up there as if they ever fell in love with people with parchment up their a*s? That would be a roller skating, a key kind of situation. Yeah, right, right? Like Annie in the locket. So now and ever. Did you write anything down literally like. Yeah, no, it was funny because my mother said, why? Why are you writing hieroglyphs on the sheets? And I don't know how to tell her that skull an orgasm, honey. So I moved and you started as a 13? Probably. Probably about 13. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, you got to push yourself. I think at a at a young age, you can be satisfied with a simple, one handed jerk off. Or you can ah, you can say, you know, I deserve more. Well, that's that's all things. I don't. I don't I don't feel like today's generation has the fire in their belly and the number to up their a*s. You know what I mean? If they're years later, Greg would go. Greg would go break dancing and autograph the card because, right? All right. Let's see. I say, should we talk about this for another 20 minutes? There you go. Thanks again, sir. I mean, I just I just want to know, was there trial and error before you realized the pencil was what you like? Well, why do you think I had an eraser up my a*s? Yeah, there was an error. Mm hmm. All right. This is going to sound weird, but it's going to take three seconds. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back with more. Ask Pencil talk after this. Hi, I'm Larry Miller, but in a way, aren't we all? And this week on This Week with Larry Miller, I'm going to tell you who's on the mound. It might be Tom Mix, but there's something very meaningful you want to hear. And it is not about who's skiing down a mountain. Listen for free through iTunes or visit Larry Miller podcast dot com. We'll see you here. When? And we're back. Thank you very much. See, that was very painless. All right. We have some news. We do well because I feel like Greg is dying to get to a little little news. And by the way, FitStar can be found at the punch line in San Francisco, March 13th through the 15th that starting to take the sting off the pencil story, right? Yeah, yeah. Let's work our way out of it. Hollywood Improv March 16th and March 20th through the 22nd comedy works sound in Colorado South comedy Oh South. It's a sound here. Seem weird. Yeah, comedy works. That's that's the place to put you up in the condo where Mike August stole all the toilet paper. That's what I heard. Yes, so I don't know how many works is not the underground place. There's the downtown, which is underground and the south one. I believe they have like a fancy condo you stay in instead of a hotel. You can steal toilet paper if you like, and one more time to make August if you do at age forty six and a half decide it'd be a great idea to steal a bunch of toilet paper from somebody's condominium that the comedy club has put you up and do not brag about it to other forty something year olds as we head through L.A. acts. Yes. Yeah. Smart. OK. I feel like perhaps this crowd needs to hear the Mike August shoes story. It's one of my favorites, Mike. I said, I said to Mike August. Once I said, like, whose shoes are those? I don't know. I noticed I noticed shoes and I have I have questions about them. But I realize if people tell me all the time like, you know, when when you talk, you don't look at me, you look down. Which is not great when we're trying to communicate or connect, but it's good when there's a problem with either your tires or your shoes. Because I come in and I go, You got a problem with your car tires. I stare at everyone's car tires, I stare at everyone's shoes. And Mike, August one day showed up in some shoes and I said, Whose shoes are those? And he said, then my brother in law shoes. And I said, Why are you wearing them? Like, I was expecting to hear a story that involved, you know, I was driving a car and went off the road and I ended up in a mire and that my shoes were ruined and I had no plows house sitting. And so this guy, all my other stuff, is at the house that was on the other side of the bridge. It was taken out by the storm. And he said, Why am I wearing the shoes? He's out of town? I said, Well, why would you wear his shoes? Like, why should put the mileage on my shoes? His his tone was incredulous, like, yeah, he made the mistake of going to Vail snowboarding for three days. Why shouldn't we put some mileage on issues like the wear and tear on the seven blocks I would walk in my Nike's while he's in Vail? I mean, that could be 13 cents. I mean, that really starts to add up. He literally wanted to put miles on someone else's shoes. Mike, some of these guys were, if you say, don't listen until you've walked a mile and someone else, oh no, I have high wire. Everyone else's shoes. Sounds like, don't you think? Do you think he would appreciate you knowing that you're trying to feed the f**king cat, not wear shoes? And it's so absurd. It's not even the kind of thing you would put on your list. You know what I mean? Like the list of things might be, you know, don't over feed the goldfish and the front door is a little tricky. Make sure the dead bolts lock. But you never say to someone who was house sitting, Dude, don't wear my shoes. And it wasn't like one of these things where, oh, well, there was a theme party and the theme was the roaring 20s. And he had these wingtips, and all I had was loafers. Like, No, just wearing his shoes. So it's not to put mileage on his shoes f**king and say, Hey, he's at his house sitting. You shouldn't have to worry about your shoes. No, although if I house said, throw the f**king pencils out as soon as you get home. Right, right in the trash basket. Absolutely. Understood. All right. Now, from shoes to the news, baby girl. Thank you very much. With Allison Rosen. She read some news from her right hand, sometimes good, sometimes as bad as times on moral grounds on Earth. When it's time to wrap it up, just sign it up with it because it's either side by side. Merle Black. All right, so in honor of Valentine's Day, there's a study questioning whether an emotional affair is worse than a sexual one for men and women, and 72 percent of men said sexual affairs were worse than emotional affairs. Right, 89 percent of women said emotional affairs were worse than sexual affair. Sixty nine did. Yeah, they did. 69. Great. You know, I just I just had a thought that if you have this thought. Greg, we're about the same age going a little bit older now. Yeah, I have these thoughts, a lot of stuff I used to like to do, but you know, I sort of go like, Well, I don't I don't know that I will ever play a super competitive pickup basketball game ever again in my life. Like, I'll go out to the back with my son and I'll shoot around and I'll have some fun. But the meet strange dudes in the park and start elbowing guys and really get into a hoop game like back in the day shirts and skins like, I don't think I'll ever do that again. And I have little flashes that I'll go like. I don't think I'll ever go water skiing ever again in my life, like I just won't, because it's not like, Well, I'm going to put it away, but when I'm seventy five, I'll go water skiing like you have a reverse bucket list. Yeah, I've got a reverse bucket list. It really is. It's the outside of the bucket, right? Never taken things out of the box, throwing s**t out of the bucket. Like, I literally walk around going, I don't think I ever do that again. I may have sixty nine for my last time. Oh, interesting. Yeah. I mean, the night is young. Our sign language ladies are attractive. But I would never. Obviously, that's a choice she would have to make. I would not impose that on anybody. You want a willing participant in that activity, you know, someone who's angry. But if she want, if she wants the job again, that's right and certain right? Would you just make her say something over and over and over and over? I feel good. Yeah, the point is, I don't know if I'm ever going to 16:9 again in my life. Not sure why I did it in the first place. Yeah, it's never a good fit. Plus, young gal Utah retina with the pencil. Oh, right, right. To be very, very dangerous. Very, you know. Yeah, yeah. You know, a lot of times women who come out of my bedroom with goggles on people say, What's going on in there? Yeah. How'd you get the eight stitches in the forehead? 69 with Wittstock? Lead poisoning and lead poisoning, so let's say, do you want to go out again and she'd say, I'll pencil it in. Sorry, where were we? 69 Right? Well, it's challenging from a lumber perspective. I yeah, I don't. And also the the as far as this this test goes, I think I'm surprised that there's only three or four point percentage points separating men and women in this department for a guy. We're much more bottom line. If you did not have sex with that person, we're in a much better mood about it. And I wonder if this is the axe, meaning men are becoming women and women are becoming men. And we're just sort of meeting in the middle. And we're we started off as just an ex at the bottom, like somewhere in the 30s, and now we're coming to the middle where we're crossing. Well, no, I may have misunderstood this. The guys? Yeah, no, it's almost the same. It's almost the same percentage of men and women are opposite, like 72 percent of men think physical. I think it's all right. Hold on, let me use my thing. Watch this. Yeah. Yeah, but still, yeah, so. Exactly. Seventy three percent of men think it's banks. Sex is worse than the emotional fare, and sixty nine percent of women think the emotional affair. Oh, right. That's good. All is right with the f**king universe again. Now, 76 percent of women would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair. Only 35 percent of men would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair. This is great news for four dudes, because when you're yeah, this is news, you can use news you can use because when you're f**king the 22 year old junior college flunky hostess at Chili's, you can go. I would love to compliment you and send you a lot of super sexy text messages and things like that, but I'll never be forgiven for that. No, don't stop sucking. You're missing my point. You're missing my point. We can't do any of the penny for your thoughts. Any they that's strictly physical. No intimacy. Understand I have a family. OK? My children. They're my life. All right. Don't stop sucking, sweetie. You're not. You can listen and suck. You can listen and suck. Yeah. Mm hmm. It seems to me that. If my wife was going to have sex with another man, I don't think I care. You don't. I don't. I mean, I'm on the road all the time. I would be happy for she deserves it, really. I don't. I'm being totally honest. But if but if I knew she cared about somebody, that would really f**king bother me so she could have intercourse with the guy? And that'd be OK. It's not OK, but it wouldn't bother me. I thought you'd be happy for her. I'd be happy for. But I know in a bittersweet way. I guess I'd be happy, but I'd be sad. But I would accept it and I would. I would say, you, I'm s**t. I'm nothing. You're good. You deserve good c**k, right? Good c**k, Babc**k. I know that story. You try to play. That good guy offers them some cigarettes telling. Babc**k comes in the chair at back hands of small, pissed off. You better talk to me now. This guy's coming in. He's got warts. Yeah, yeah. So you're saying you're on the road a lot more on the road. She's alone. She she's attractive. And I think that if a man were to make love to her and he was respectful then and again, this is on the airwaves. So if this is not an invitation to the gentlemen of America. Aha. But there's two guys in particular that I think I might, and you would say the younger of your children should not be in the room. Is that part of now? Lay down? No kids or no hotel dude in a f**king hotel like that? Like a gentleman? That's all thing. What if they did it? What did they did in your bag? Now that's a problem. OK, right? But again, that can be overlooked. Uh huh.. As long as there is no emotional connection, you say that now. But fast forward to the day when your wife confesses her, her affair to you and you're crying. Did you have a Sharpie in his a*s? That's right. It was not a f**king sharpie, Brian. Once you're black, you never go back. That's what they said. If it wasn't a black sharpie, it's OK. But was it a black sharpie? It's OK. Yeah, yeah. This guy had a highlighter between his cheeks and he was packing. How can you compete with that? You can't. You can't win it. Would it bother you, Adam? If you found out that Lynnette, I guess what I'm wondering is for a guy, how would he even discover that his wife is having a quote unquote emotional affair? For women, it's easy, like if you sense that your significant other is becoming really close with someone of the opposite sex at work, that's a very uncomfortable feeling. Well, listen, my fiance, they did your best. I would like her to have an emotional affair, and then I just come home and f**ker. You know what I mean? Like, you get all your thoughts. You talk about all the people, all the girls you hate at work and all this. What's going on with the kids at school and Sonny's falling behind in math and all this s**t I don't give a f**k about? Isn't that what she has with Dr. Bruce? Yeah, I think she has it with Dr. Bruce and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, yeah. The emotional there where there's no sex going on. That's awesome, buddy, buddy. Save it for the Valentine's Day card, right? Right. Now I honestly, I think when we're a bit we've never shown or even discussed, I think when we did the man show we did rent a day or something like that. I can't remember what it was, but it was basically, you know, the guys watching the game. The wife wanted her, you know, wanted him to go to the mall with her and go shopping, whatever. And it was like you would rent a gay guy to keep your wife busy. That's essentially what this is. I think I think we'd be all right with this. But Greg, you know, you don't want your wife to experience emotional closeness. I don't think that she has any room left. She says I fill her up emotionally. Mm hmm. And so there's no space. I mean, I love I love hearts. I mean, you never stop talking. Or is that mean there's I'm a little needy? OK. All right. Mm hmm. All right. She's complete. She's complete. OK? She's at saturation. Mm hmm. Perhaps you've heard about this. Facebook is now adding a customizable option with about 50 different terms people can use to identify their gender. So it used to be that you could either say you're male, female or you don't have to indicate what you are. Right now, there's 50 different terms, as well as three pervert preferred pronoun choices him or her or them. The changes are aimed at giving people more choices in how they describe themselves, such as androgynous by gender, intersex, gender fluid. I like that gender fluid. It's like something you're low on. Yeah, or transsexual, for example. Yeah, if it's true, it'll give you a pink eye and it's on the comforter. I think every hotel I've ever checked into. That's what happened to Bob Costas, genderfluid, yeah, should have kept those f**kin glasses on when he was 69 and got the gender fluid in the in the right eye. By the way, they identify the part where you identify as, I love this new society we've crafted for ourselves where we go like, well, I'm male, but I identify is Wilt Chamberlain's c**k, you know, so that's my that's how I would like to be addressed. Like, that's that's how I identify. Like, All right, I was a black c**k born in a man's body. That's right. That's right. I have a small white c**k trapped inside a huge black man's c**k. I know other black c**k trapped inside a medium to small size man. Yes. So I identify as Neville Chamberlain. That's how I do. OK, awesome. How do we identify Bruce Jenner these days? He's apparently rumored to be pre pre-op. I like the idea that he's literally turning into Rhoda in front of us. He's going to wear a f**king scarf around his. He's turning into f**king Rhoda. All right, like you. Just it's but he his whole thing is, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just having my Adam's apple shaved like every 59 year old, you're gay. He's like my dad. Your dad before. Well, six. Whatever he is, we've all had our Adam's Apple shape. We all you know, you remember when your dad went in for high lights in a bob? Right, right, right. When his 65th birthday? Right? Yeah, right near me, you know. And there's a certain point in a man, you know, usually 51 years after puberty, where your your nipples start to puff up a little bit and the aerialists get enlarged and engorged. Yeah, and you might need to wear a supportive device. Yeah, right. I've seen pictures of him. It is insane. But the thing that's insane is he was the world's greatest athlete. Like, I mean, we're this is one of these stories that Wheaties box cover, like the picture of masculinity, the American flag, he's wearing, the dolphin shorts, he's he's doing the split, not where he's got one hanging on the right and the left right. Not many guys can pull that off. That's a gold medal, and all we can say normally is a commitment right or left. How do you dress? It's not straddles. That's right. And one of the why I know we did consider that masculine, very masculine back then. But when you think about it, those shorts and that's that's but not action. I know, I know, not very masculine, right? And the half shirt and can't stop the music. Maybe the feathered hair in the song is are signs we all should have seen coming. But he is literally getting his tips frosted and is wearing glasses like one of my mom's friends. And he looks like f**king Rhoda. I mean, he just absolutely does. It's it's crazy. And so the weird thing is is, I want a couple of things. I don't feel like at age 61, I'm going to go, You know what? You know, it's missing a vagina. I'm tired of dragging around this c**k smalls. It may be. I'm tired of dragging around this c**k and ball, so I'm not going to go the next 17 years with this stuff attached to my groin. What the hell are we doing here? People like I don't mean like, I don't feel like there's anything that's going to change on my 61st birthday. Like, This is a weird thing. Maybe it's always been in him, but it is a weird thing to start, have you know? I understand the, you know, 19 year old who's struggling with some sexual issues, who makes a declaration and whatever. But like what changed him, Bruce Jenner's life to allow this to come out now? Yeah. And yeah, at that age, your genitals are the least important thing to you. Your bowels are the most. Yeah. Your genitals are just first off, they age. Like Benjamin Button. Your sack is like twenty two years ahead of you. So I have the sack of an 89 year old right now, and it's all you can do is sit on it. It's vulnerable in street fights. It's just a more of a liability than it is an asset at this point. Right. The Pencil gets stuck in it. That's right. That's right. It gets burnt. When you do that, move with the flashlight, you know when you're camping. Obviously, everyone's bored. We've all done it. The point is this it's a weird it's a weird thing for Bruce to be visiting at this at this stage. It's also hard to imagine there's anything to cut off at this point. Having lived with the Kardashians for 20 years, oh yeah, yeah. Like when he undergoes sexual reassignment surgery, he's going to have to go find Khloe. What? The f**k's his wife's name Kim. Chris Christie. Yeah, sorry. With a K. Right? Well, look who keeps up with the Kardashians. He's going to have to be like, Hey, listen, Chris, I know we've been divorced for a few years now, but I'm undergoing a sexual reassignment surgery and I need to know where you buried my balls. Are they to the doctor? It's not for me. Obviously, we can't reassign something that's not there, so they're in a mason jar in the backyard or they're up in the attic. Like, where? What did you do with my balls? Yeah, you cut them off. And what was it? Ninety one. The idea to eat them back? I just need to return it. It's like that library book you don't want to read anymore, but you got to return it. Medical waste, they'll be incinerated, but we just need them now. Can we go ahead and find those? And then she's got them move like when you're looking for your keys to go and put your ball in her gigantic. She's been such a long time now. Yeah, there may be up the attic. I'll go check. You check the drawer at the post. It's simply the post. It's dry. The whole episode of the show that just follows that. Yeah, they may be in that drawer with the batteries and the pliers in the post. It's it's in the kitchen and I think there's a chapstick in there next to your balls. First game, first game I. It's in the drawer with that collar of that dog. I used to walk around that weighed three pounds. Yeah, permanent. Yeah, that's where my balls might be. Yeah. Let's break this Paramus into the ground a little bit. Yeah, I think we've done it. Morgan and Morgan, let me lay that on you, people 15 to 24 of the highest rate of E.R. visits due to car accidents. And I've got kids and they're about that age. So it seems while they're right in that age group, it's kind of scary. So if you've ever been injured, check out Morgan and Morgan. Submitting a claim with Morgan and Morgan is easy, and you can use it the same way you use like a rideshare app. It is that easy and even easier than swiping right on a dating app, which, by the way, leads to more trouble. Or this could lead to more money. America's largest injury law firm, 100 plus offices nationwide, over 800 lawyers, more than 15 billion, recovered for clients. So if you're injured in an accident, check out Morgan and Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win, so it's no risk. Morgan and Morgan write Dawson. For more information, go to for the people.com/ atom or dial pound lor pound five to nine from your cell phone. That's f0r the people.com/ atom or pound lor pound 08:55 from your cell. This is a paid advertisement. Let me tell you about O'Reilly auto parts. Well, I want to save some money. You want to save some gas. Here's a few things you can do to improve your fuel mileage. Check your tire pressure, people. If the tire pressure is low and one or more tires, you're going to use a lot more gas. Check out your owner's manual or inspect the tire yourself to find the recommended pressure. All right. Auto Parts carries a wide range of tire gauges to make it easy to check your tires on a regular basis. It's also a lot safer when they're properly inflated. Always keep your fuel system clean. A fuel injector carburetor cleaner is a simple, affordable way to remove carbon deposits and moisture from the fuel system and can improve the performance and efficiency of your engine. How about change in a clogged air filter? 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You go to an Echo Dot com and you click on the Amazon banner and you get the Lisa Loeb album. No fairy tale. Good. See again, you two and buy it. Don't just listen to it for free. Oh no, no. Yeah, that's what that's what we do these days. We watch music. Yeah, no, no. I'm awesome. I have a I have family members who are in a book I wrote, saying, Hey, read a fair amount of it on Amazon seems pretty good. So you're in the book, you know, and squeeze the trigger, sweetie. I know I read enough. They put a lot on there. Thank you. That's how I got rich. My father's a doctor and people come in all the time who are very, very sweet, and they tell him that they bought the record. And I say, You know what? That's impossible. I've seen exactly how many people have bought the record in Dallas and and bulls**tting that well, or I think people confuse that I bought it with I. They, you know, they confuse things with. I've actually listened to it and I've purchased it with. I know who you are. I've seen you before. I mean, it's flattering. They mean it to be flattering and I appreciate that. But it's also wonderful and they take that extra step. Well, it's just what are you with their dollars? I have, I have found and I've always, you know, I've never been this Hey man, it's the internet and it's art and it's free, man. It's like now it's it's not. It's somebody putting a lot of work into something and it's money. You have to pay engineers and there's equipment and there's there's time and everything else. But I think there's an interesting thing that go that's going on in our society. And you tell me what you think. Lisa Loeb OK, money used to count for more because you held it in your hand. Oh yeah, that's right. You gave it to people and it's like you felt it. And I know a lot of people that just kind of go through life. A lot of my friends, wives and a few dudes out there that they never really come across money. It's it's like I got a credit card, I got a debit card, I got a gas card and it becomes sort of easy because you never really see it or feel it right. It's like pretend. And I agree I was thinking, maybe I should feel that way too. Oh yeah. No one would ever lean into your car with the window open and grab your CD off your passenger seat. You're right. Oh my gosh. When you think about it, tangible, like no decent person would do that. But hey, if you can share file for free somebody else, maybe purchase it and it's going to give it to you or let you download it or whatever. That doesn't feel like leaning into someone's car just like it. Just like swiping the debit card doesn't feel it's so much easier to take all your girlfriends out to sushi when you're swiping the card versus peeling off plans like when you pay for gas and you pay for it with a credit card, you don't even take the receipt. I don't even want the receipt. Yeah, you know, but it's like buying a pair of jeans or something like that, just buying a pair of jeans. But it's gas. So and it's not with money. It's tough somalians. Yeah, because when you started back in the day, people didn't have credit cards and nobody had. Nobody could go to the end. There's no I-tunes. It's true. I will say, though, it is, it is a I'm, you know, I don't always purchase all my money, all my music, either. I do go check out music on the internet, and even when I was a kid, we all made mixtapes for each other. You know, we all had our albums and we'd make mix tapes and we'd bring him with us everywhere and share them with people. Eventually, sometimes we'd buy the records. It was kind of fun, and it's a thing that our kids will never, really, really have. I mean that. Yeah. Hitting it just right. I could remember getting the 90 minute cassette and hitting pause just right, skipping ahead to the next song, then timing it out, right? You know, so you didn't run out of tape at the end or have just enough at the end, you know, keeping the counter and everything. And we all knew a couple of short songs that were just at the very end of a side of it. Right. Only have 98 seconds left. And then this is stupid. Like, I used to teach boxing classes, so I had like my mix tape boxing, you know, fast, fun one. And then there's the I got dumped again tape. Do you still have them? I still have those. Not you have the tape. I don't have you dumped again tape, but I do have a lot of mixed tapes, so I probably listen to them. Do you have a cassette that will play them in my car? Somebody ripped it off in my car. No. Wow. My car. I have a cassette player in my car. That is crazy. That's a bad sign. It's awesome. No, it's not very bad. I was still writing music on cassette tapes when I bought the car. Yeah. Did I mean poor man, by the way? So yeah, having a cassette is, I'm looking here and it says that you attended Brown University and Brown University smarty pants. Man, that's an Ivy League school, but I did my homework. So yeah, what? So what is your? What is your story going back back in the day in the olden days? Well, I listen to cassette tapes and albums in vinyl in high school. I was a deejay and I wanted to be a DJ when I grew up because I thought you could play any music you wanted. Uh huh.. It turns out that's not what deejays get to do anymore. But yeah, I went to I grew up in Dallas, Texas. And by the way, DJ back then meant radio deejay, not jack a*s at club. Right? I turned sideways. I did play parties, though I did do parties, but it was the actual albums and we didn't, you know, we weren't like those kind of deejays. Is there anything heavier than a milk crate filled with 70s out? No. Seriously, I would carry this big two crates peaches that was some record store called peaches. Huge crates of records like The Cure and LED Zeppelin and Brian Eno, and whatever else I was listening to. I'd carry these huge crates late at night into this radio station to play whatever I wanted to play. And and I used to play electric guitar and and carry an amplifier and an electric guitar, too. And I still play electric now, but I don't, you know, walk around carrying a really huge amplifier. And I think it's so insane. I mean, you know, you talk about all these sort of technology stuff and how it's touch your life and stuff. I'm just picturing like a. A 19 year old, Jimmy Kimmel, as a wedding deejay coming up with the four crates of records and the stands with the big with the big amps on there and smoke mixes, the smoke machines setting up, I mean the table, I mean strobe light. You had to have a van if you wanted to do that four gig. Now it's just you get the iPod. It's insane as ever, going to smaller girl than a 19 year old Lisa Loeb with the musical. Yeah. 16. Oh my God. Carrying crates. So you're doing well in school. I was doing well in school and doing lots of other fun things on the side from school, and I got into Brown University, which was so exciting. And your dad's a doctor, so he's happy. But you wanted to get far away. I wanted to go someplace where when I visited Brown, it was rainy and cloudy outside and I thought, This is the perfect place for me. Really? Yeah, because I'll wear like cable knit sweaters and, you know, steady, which I probably wore a lot of cable knit sweaters, Benetton sweaters. Do you remember this Benetton sweater? Sure. I don't know if I studied as much as I probably should have said. And then when did the music? I mean, the music was always around, but when did it go full time? Just do all the all the all freshman year. I had a freshman roommate named Elizabeth Mitchell, and we had a band together and we played like the first week of school we played and actually we were going to play the first week of school. It didn't work out because we didn't sign up for the the freshman talent show soon enough or whatever. But we played a few months in and we had a great audience like everyone from our freshman hall showed up. We had a great audience and we just kept playing and it was all going really well. And I probably focused way more on music than I did on my studies. Mm-Hmm. Doctor Dad initially a little disappointed, and they were that my mom and my dad were not super excited that I was going to be a musician when I grow up, even though they would come visit me at school and I'd play concerts and they'd come see me. I was, ah, it was kind of like I was already doing it. So and I think I was probably just as worried as they were. So I was trying to make it work. You know, I wanted to make sure I could make a living being a musician and was the plan to just be a working musician. I mean, the success that you had, I mean, having in Billboard number one song in 1994, that had to be insane, right? That was crazy. It was. It was one of those things where I was temping a lot as an office temp worker because I could type pretty fast and I owned an Ann Taylor suit. And so I would go temp, and I did that for a few years and I tried to go back to school for psychology at NYU. But I was still focused too much on music. So I I all of a sudden I got this opportunity to put my song stay on a soundtrack. Ethan Hawke was a friend of mine. He's an actor. He's a friend of mine, and he offered it. He wanted to give that song to Ben Stiller to see if Ben would put that that song into a movie. Mm-Hmm. And Ben did put the song into reality bites, along with a bunch of other people executives who were in charge. Right? So that was a really huge opportunity, and it made me quit my temp jobs and and say this was going to be at this. I was going to make music. I mean, in retrospect, that probably wouldn't have been a good reason just to quit your temp jobs like you. You think those kind of opportunities when you're starting out, you think those opportunities as that's it still happening, but it actually was all happening. But you know, I just meant to be quit. So, or at least temporary. Are you married? I'm married and I have two kids. Wow. And on my way over here, I actually have a three year old and an eight month old baby. Wow. I know. And so with my husband, no. I left home with my husband for the next hour and a half while he feeds them and put them to bed. Is it one of the Zappa's? No, it's not. Is it? Is it a famous person? It's my husband, really? Herskovitz. It's very famous. Robi Herskovitz. Oh, the power forward for the for the avalanche. I don't know. What team did he play for? I know I actually felt like I was in some early 80s movie when I was driving over here in the Valley. Yeah. You know, and that trying to like, eat an apple and put lipstick on in the car. Sun going down. It should have been the Sun coming up. And something about aliens. But I just felt like it was, you know, I have the I have a whole family. So, yeah, you were single. Yeah. One of the second to last time or whenever we saw each other and. Oh, right. Yeah. Number one, single the show about you being single, which made Dodgson. Think you were single? Yes. No, I haven't made him single. Yeah, I'm his family now. Mm hmm. Perfect. Hey. Are you sitting down, by the way? Dancing? Yes, the dad from Brady Bunch, gay. Not a real family. They weren't even married, though still, wow. Since world spoiler alert, dude, yeah, you can't just because Elise is playing single on TV, don't mean she's available. I was single on TV then, but now what were you single? When Dawson asked you out? Went Dawson asked, saying, Oh, it'll be something. Oh no. Yeah, good. All right. Otherwise, otherwise. Yeah. Married children, you'd have a little what? You got a three year old to just be smoking a cigarette, talking about avocados right now, because that's his thing. Oh no, Alan Partridge. I mean, yeah. Alan Parsons. Yeah, perfect. Yeah. So sounds so similar to what's going on in my house right now. What does your husband do? He works at at Conan O'Brien. Oh, is he right? Works at the show? No, he works in the music production. Oh yeah. So you might have ran into him over there. It's a perfect. It's a perfect marriage. That it is. It is. We actually was on the show. I was on the show the other day and so I got to hang out with him at work. That was fun. And my daughter keeps talking about Conan O'Brien. She's like, Conan O'Brien is very tall. He yeah, that's especially when you're three years old. He calls, man. That's how I always felt bad for Andy Richter, Ben, and it's the way everything in life works, and just everyone should know this, which is Andy Richter. I've met a bunch of times in person, the first thing you think is is, oh, you're not short. No, he's super tall also. He's I don't know, six one. Maybe he's not a short guy at all. But if you stand next to a guy who's 66 or 67, then you're a short guy. That's just the way it goes. You do that math no matter what. Poor Andy Richter could not look shorter or fatter. Standing next to a guy who's taller or skinnier than Conan O'Brien, and that's how you will look. This is totally true. I'm actually not bald at all. Everyone listening. I think we're just going to be here soon. Oh yeah, I've always told. I've always told. I've always said, I want a guy to follow me around when I'm rich or I want or an airplane. I want a guy. I got a guy, by the way. I'm, you know, I got a guy break and breaks my shoes, and I'm right and I need another guy. No, I need. I needed one of those for my wedding. I went in the day before my wedding to say, Can you stretch these shoes out for me? Oh, really? And the guy was like, You need to be wearing them. That's the only way to stretch out your shoes. I was like, But I'm getting married tomorrow. Yeah. So I should have hired somebody in New York City to work guys to do that. Yeah, yeah. They should combine the shoe breaker and hers with the dog walkers. Yeah. Great idea. Solar power? Yes. Speed breaking it. Yeah, and it'd be hilarious to see. And again, another one of those great 80s or 90s things where the hot chick had the 15 dogs being pulled along with a skirt flying up in the air. Patrick Dempsey with the 15 dogs wearing pumps. Mm hmm. Perfect. We got a rom com. You got to write another song. Oh yes. So I always think I need a guy with a super huge fat big melon head. You know, those guys with the Big Melon had to get in the picture with me because I'm tired of seeing my big fat head in the picture with the guy with the skinny head. So I want to travel with a guy with a huge fat mustache. Well, it's not. It's not. That's what I'm hearing. It's medium fat, but I want the fat. I always want to be the second fattest head in the picture. You don't want to be the fattest in the picture. It's not even the smallest one, too, though, because you feel like something's like, I have this watch that was a Menudo watch in the 80s and all the faces. That's a same. It's, by the way, a band from the 80s. Yeah, with, you know, Ricky Martin, Ricky Martin, I mean, one do like. What are you doing to me? I'm about the Bryant Park man was huge. It was like they had cut the face out and stuck a different face in there for the replacement guy. But I always have, like in Japan, people always say to me, like, you have such a small face, and I never thought about that before. It's nice. I don't think about having a small face. You're lucky, especially when you're, you know, looking at your face down here and you're like on your iPhone and you're going down an escalator and you look, see your face by accident, you're like, Oh, oh yeah, don't look down on us. No, that's horrible. Your monsters like there's a monster in my phone. No, I've said it. I said many times. Actually, I've only said it once. The worst mirror on the planet is the one in the barber chair and finding the barber chair because they put that cape around. Put that cape around you and they won't have a mirror. Oh yeah. You got to go in just to see what's going on in the server shop. I'll tell you all about Linda. They put the cape on you and they'll choke your head off. So it's of your head and then you're like, Oh, and my soul, my next fat to your head, mushrooms up. Then they lift me up, and then you're kind of looking down on yourself a little. So you just look like a big mushroom head with five kids. Like, look at yourself in this way, too well-lit area. Your neck has love handles. Yes. You're right. The breast mirror on the planet is the one on the ceiling in the elevator. You ever get an elevator? You know, like I'm telling you, I like what's happening you, but not the side mirrors, not the like, the normal color above. Like, oh, like, oh yeah. Yeah, and we're going to have hello, cheekbones, cheekbones. We're taking you to the penthouse. All right. Lisa has a song. I have a new record sponsor. Oh, a sponsor. Well, I'm going to. I've figured you'd step up and get your stuff ready. And I. Oh yeah, that was my plan. We'll talk it up. OK? You cool. Now tell me about the new record. I don't. We don't have to talk about it. I want to. I care about you. We need to know. It's a record. It's a CD. It's called no fairy tale and actually on the front of it. When I took that picture, I was pregnant. Very pregnant. I don't have it on can't or will over there on my yeah, we'll pull it up. Yeah, I was in the middle of May. I made the record really quickly with my friend named Chad Gilbert, who's in a band called Newfound Glory. Oh, and it's a big rock band. Yeah, they're great. And they covered my song Stay. And they did a really punky version of it, which was really cute and asked me to sing on it. I don't know if it supposed to be cute. It's tough to force. It's tough says it's cute. It's edgy, but it's cute because it was just totally different and energetic and everything. So I sang on it. And later Chad asked if he could produce a record for me. And we made like a punky pop rock record together. Oh, there's by the way now and see look at you pregnant with a thin face, pregnant thin face and pregnancy camera slightly above. Smart, don't go with the camera. Don't go low with the camera. Not who, by the way, who are these a*****es? Oh boy, I'm you know what I'm talking about. I think I do. I'm 62 and all I do is take pictures all day long with people after the show that selling this thing, that here's a picture thing and these guys, the person hands off the camera. They hold the camera like down to the f**king belt buckle. Like I could you make my head look any fatter? Like the thing. This is where they flip the if it's an iPhone, they flip it to, the lens is on the bottom right. And then they hold it and fire them and down, and they're five nine exists. This kind of looks elicit. Ansel Adams. Just take it a little bit above. My husband is tall. Have some degree. The picture comes from above. Yes, you get an A-frame ladder and climb up it. Yeah. Thank you. You bring one with you. All right. A little love shoe walker. My dog walker shoe breaker inner should carries the ladder. Your shots have a huge head and an A-frame ladder. Lisa Loeb No fairytale. I'm tuning my guitar just to make sure we. Song, I wrote with my friend, my sharp, and I even got Tegan from Tegan and Sara, and she she wrote a couple of songs on the record. It's nice that you collaborate and give everyone credit. Why not do people collaborate and they pretend they did it themselves? Well, people tend to leave out other people's names. Sometimes, you know, they're talking about stuff they did. I come from a family of four kids. We got to give each other credit of that. You or else, you know. That would be bad. OK, I'm going to play this song. Yeah. This is called no fairy tale. A prince in the summer was a drag in the spring. How could you know that he took off screen and everything he wanted? Behind the castle was a hundred white horses who stuck in St.. It's no fairy tale. There's no breadcrumb trail. You back, but it's just as well. Sit down. You tried, but you can't bear the weight of the glitter and glue. So you let down dream. The kids said we week. Once upon a time can lead to a happier save after when the tears will. So is laughter. And sniffing every chance. There's no breadcrumb trail. But it's just as well, and you can't. Plus, the book. And curse the turn it took. And tell the true story of how. Went to jail. When it's short, the leaves are turning red and gold. And the one had to come inside and cast a spell. It snows every 10. No, there's no breadcrumb trail to lead you back. But it's just as well and you. It took. And tell the true story of how. That's a better way to do. That's a better way to tell. Lisa Loeb, everybody. Called no fairy tale available on Amazon. You know what to do that sounded amazing and it's always so nice. We had so many great acts coming in here, and it's funny. And nice when? Mm hmm. When somebody like Lisa Loeb who you look at and you see the glass as you see the cute little face and you go, Oh, that's just that's just so much popcorn. And then you see her pick up her guitar and hit it out of the love. That feels great. Thank you. Yeah. And I love popcorn, but you know what I'm talking about in your package is so it's tailored. It almost seems like you can be overlooked. Like, there's not as much substance there because of what you look like and or how you come across. I'm sure you remember I ran into that in the 90s. I actually I wrote the song the 90s about the 90s with Chad, and it was about that time period. And in one line I wrote, I'm the angel, and she's the demon. It's like, if you're not, you know, crazy or something, then L7, you get right, overlooked or you don't get overlooked. But it's like you have to prove yourself that you're not. Yeah, there's something like if you can have a conversation with a human. I remember going into record labels like when I was when I was signed to a big, major label. Now I'm on a smaller label because I had been putting out records on my own with distributors trying to do it on my own because I like being independent. But I went back with a small label called Savoy Records, but anyway, before when I was on the huge conglomerates like the huge ones. I remember going into these meetings where you were just it was the strangest thing to feel like you're not going to be heard because you were actually making sentences and you were having marketing meeting conversations. Yeah. And that was like not impressive to them. That was kind of like a bad thing. Well, you needed to walk like barely walk in the office crawling with your gun or I didn't even know what it is, is artists aren't supposed to be sane. Right? And I suffer from the same thing as a comedian where I'm just a regular person, but I'm a comedian, but I'm less funny and less artistic because I'm normal. Or at least. Right, right, right. So you're normal. So how artistic can you be if you're not cutting yourself? Exactly. I did actually cut myself yesterday. Oh, OK. But that was an accident. Oh, that's a paper cut. I know. I know. Yeah, this is more like that. I open the this the bar sink to get some a paper bag from Monday. Yeah, now that's not. That's not rock and roll, open rock and roll. Did it just a nail? Yeah. And she wanted it if she wanted to be the one who inflicted the pain on herself for a change? Yeah, I found a Crayola. A Band-Aid. All right, that's Adam Crawshaw, 10, 26, and for our final push today, we have Adam Crawshaw, 1791, JJ Green, Bryan Bishop, Jena Garrett. This is Bryan with the health update. Check it out. All right, Brian. Health update from you. Well, this has been an uplifting show. Yeah, we had a funeral talk and then we had the guy telling us we're all going to die, essentially in the explosion and health update. Usually these are come on and I said I had a scan. Everything is great. Blah blah blah. Rejoice and live for another three months. I made notes because I don't want to lose my place and am a little bit nervous. I've been sitting on this information for a few weeks now. I didn't want to announce anything till 100 percent sure. But Christina, we've had a lot of doctors appointments, a lot of scans, a lot of tests, and there is definitely a new growth. We knew we knew this day was a possibility. We didn't really expect it, but we knew that it was definitely something that could happen. And the doctors are now telling us that it could be five or six months until we meet our new baby. All right. Christie is pregnant wife Christie in five minutes and that we are overjoyed now for these guys to pass, but they are so angry. It's good time, too. It's good to hear that, Gary. You don't just shout out the winner. Yeah, Bill. Wow. Wow. I'm sorry. Is it so graduations? I hate you. I wanted to do something that was a little different. A little interest now, OK? Oh my God. Creep. I'm very sorry. I'm sorry, but I want to try and do something a little fun, not less. And I appreciate it is. Yeah, because the first time Brian and I discussed this, it'll be seven years at the end of next month. Wow. The next month there are five. Six months was sort of the over under on when he'd been when he'd joined Richard. My paradise for paradise. Yeah, so that's nice. Speaking of which, it is actually, oh, Chris and I were talking about it because we were everything. By the way, if any listener wants to go back and listen everything, I said 100 percent true. We have been sitting on this for quite a few weeks. There've been many tests, as you can imagine. Christie's actually, six months along, she's almost halfway done. She's showing a little bit, so you guys will see her at mass wedding and see her a little belly on the record. Is that what you're telling us? She wasn't a windmill pop partially, but she also hadn't told her work. And it's a weird thing over there because she's an executive and it's an international company, and she wanted to tell the top first and then tell her team and then, you know, so she want to kind of tell it all at the right time international. She could take three years off. I wish they don't give her the good, the good stuff, but it is kind of nice. Like we were talking about a second ago to think that seven years ago, almost we were you, Christine. I had to tell the people that we love and the people that are close to us. This devastating news that changed our lives forever and would probably change their lives. And now, seven years later, to be able to tell them life changing news in a good way, you know, this is a really exciting moment for us. This was insemination with or how was this done? So this was 100 percent natural. Wow. Yeah. We dropped several tens of thousands of dollars on two rounds of IVF and several rounds of Iowa and then decided to take December off because holidays and drinking and traveling. And we host a big party every year and it's like, you know, well, let's just take the month off. We'll try. We'll still do another round, maybe in the new year. And when it's when the pressure's off as as the cliche, when the pressure's off, that's when that's when things happen. And we had, you know, had recreational sex and resulted in the baby. You make it sound so hot as you can imagine a really nervous about, you know, Oh my god, you know, I'm I'm still on chemo or something, you know, Avastin and stuff. And so we did go through every single test we could possibly subject ourselves to blood tests and ultrasounds and everything and everything has come back just flying colors. Our baby is growing at a normal rate and looks great. And September, baby September and two on my birthday suit was my god. So it's a pretty it's one of those kind of like, you know, coincidences or whatever. It is the great magnet. But it's like, Wow, this is this is an achievement achievement. Well, I'd say you being around at that that point seven and a half years in is is an achievement. They are good. I still should point out that Big Pharma and in Cuba, everyone has access to top notch free health care. Let me finish it. A long way to go, but moving to Cuba? Oh, there you go. So adios, amigos. All right. Congratulations. That really feels good. It really feels good. And yeah, I got the same thing, which is, you know, Brian's got some health news and when you started down that path? Oh boy. All right. I hope later on, you can appreciate that. No, I'm I'm IRA. I appreciate it. A millisecond after came out of your mouth because I was that relieved. All right. Brian's epic prank never gets old. It's also kind of cruel, but still there is for people not following along or not familiar with what's happened Brian recently that he's been sharing the news that his tumor shifted and the doctors were able to remove one gram of brain tissue keeps specifying one gram snorted and may actually have some further treatment options coming up. So his actual health is great and possibly the best it's ever been since his diagnosis. So the news for Brian fans, if you can't get enough of this podcast, there's a separate feed Bible Cruella classics. Make sure you subscribe every Sunday. There's a bonus episode if you'd like to see some of these clips. YouTube.com. Adam Pearl, of course you are Aneel. All right, there is a place for all classics. Make sure you tune in tomorrow for an all new installment of cruel classics. Well, the show and staff are on vacation until tomorrow and get it on. See what hit blockbusters are streaming free this month during Popcorn Summer movies on Pluto TV. Watch Django Unchained or Transformers Dark of the Moon for an action packed evening or The Truman Show and School of Rock for a good laugh when the whole family. Plus, Pluto TV has thousands of other free movies available online and on demand. Download Pluto TV on all your favorite devices for free and start streaming now. Click and collect order confirmed dead tomorrow starred band. We become robots. Affirmative. Don't go crab battling that isn't a thing. How about swimming? Did Kerry Tichenor, you nod off and I will pick up the shop and deal deal while you do the important things, we'll do the essentials. Book your free click and collect slot at Tesco Daily or in-app Tesco. Every little helps. Terms and conditions apply.